Voyager Caption Thread #183 Tuvok said finding S**T is illogical

[Finn]

First, the winners...

The "Spaceballs" award goes to Zombie Cheerleader

JANEWAY: Anything, Mister Tuvok?
TUVOK: I ain't found shit

The "Groot" award goes to JirinPanthosa

TUVOK: I found this axehead among Seska's possessions.
CHAKOTAY: My god...she was planning to cut me down!

The "Getting to the root of the problem" award goes to Kick the Can

Janeway: Well we're facing certain annihilation at the hands of that swarm of alien ships. I'm open to suggestions.
Chakotay: Let's retreat.
Tuvok: I say we hide in the nebula.
Neelix: Why don't I just make them a nice potluck dinner of leola root casserole?
Janeway: Brilliant! We'll poison those bastards.

The "Quest for an iPad-less society" award goes to Tenacity

Count Chakula: "I have the reports from all the department heads, plus the monthly crew evaluation reports. In addition to the padd in my hand I'll be leaving another one hundred and seventy padds on your desk today because of course each report is in a separate padd."

" The "That's so wrong" award goes to Kick the Can

Squatting Bull: Chakotay, listen. About the war paint. I gave the order to paint up for the war party, and you did, so kudos on your enthusiasm. Your enthusiasm can not be faulted. But look at Running Duck over there. He's got a double red line on each cheek - a little on the nose, but a classic look nonetheless. Pipes-A-Lot did the half-red/half blue face thing, which, while making him look like an angry football fan, at least leaves no doubt about his warrior's commitment. And you, Chakotay. This...this. What is this supposed to be, can I ask?
Chakotay: It is a quantum slipstream event horizon. And a Vaardwaar subspace corridor. Very extraordinary.
Squatting Bull: I see. More "Delta Quadrant" phenomena, I presume?
Chakotay: Harry Kim says they are statistically unlikely to find more than one occurrence of these spatial anomalies in each galactic quadrant.
Squatting Bull: Sigh. And another thing, about this Ensign Kim you keep mentioning. Who keeps serving for years without getting promoted like that? Your whole oeuvre is an implausible affront to the suspension of disbelief. Even Limping Sparrow made full Brave after five years at Ops....

Now, it's Tuvok's turn...

...and, of course I had to include this

 

[JirinPanthosa]

TUVOK: Captain...I know your first instinct here is to reset the timeline to prevent me from ever getting badly burned, but I must ask that you not do that, as it is illogical, and unethical to manipulate the timeline for your own gain.
JANEWAY: I will respect your wishes, Tuvok. *Whispers* Mr Paris, find a temporal anomaly.

NEELIX: I would ask that Tuvok be assigned to every diplomatic mission I go on as my security detail. There are dangerous planets out there.
TUVOK: Killing you...with my mind...

TUVOK: That should be enough brush cover to keep Neelix from seeing the Liola Roots.

TUVOK: I'm reading the remains of one of our Ensigns. Something really dangerous must be on this planet.
SEVEN: Which one?
TUVOK: It doesn't matter.
SEVEN: Shall I decrement the crew count by one?
TUVOK: Naah.

In one of his early assignments, Tuvok was assigned to infiltrate Dark Helmet and gain his trust.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Janeway: "Lt. Paris, inform the Bridge we've found another case of Writer's Inadequacy."



Part I

To himself, "Hum, I appear to have found grass."

Part II: "And now, the conclusion"

Tuvok: "Just as I suspected -- grass."

 

[A Chimpanzee & 2 Trainees]

Vulcan Priestess: Greetings on your return to Mount Seleya, my students. Have you found Kolinahr and purged your emotions?

Tuvok: We ain’t found @#$&*!!!!

 

[Herbert]

Neelix: blah, blah, provisions, blah, blah, Kes, blah, blah, maps, blah, blah, dinner recipe, blah, blah......
Tuvok: <thinking> I wonder if I can mind meld him into shutting the hell up. Surpressed Vulcan youth rage rising!

 

[Herbert]

7 of 9: They appear to be....mating.
Tuvok: Confirmed. It's definitely Paris and Janeway
Chakotay: <thinking> Damn you Tom Paris! Dammmnnnnn yooouuu!!

 

[Tenacity]

Tuvok: "which one is which?"
Seven: "Well, that one is on top."
Chak: "The one on top much be Janeway"
Tuvok: "How can you be sure?"
Chak: "Trust me."

 

[Mr Soak]

Security Offier's log: With Voyager's sensors down, the captan has tasked the crew with combing this destroyed civilisation' city manually. My group has found what appears to be a public latrine.

Tuvok: We found s#!t!

 

[A Chimpanzee & 2 Trainees]

Chakotay: We've LOST THEM! Any ideas, Tuvok?.
Tuvok: Perhaps if I mind-meld with this plant, it can direct us.
My mind to your mind... your thoughts to my thoughts...
Chakotay: Find anything?
Tuvok: Yes... a fear of lawn mowers.

 

[tharpdevenport]

[y]Tuvok:[/b] "Fascinating. It appears to be two dogs humping."

"Oh yeah, the ground is still warm from where they humped."

Chacotay (off screen): "I don't want to go on away missions with you anymore."

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Janeway: "1), I said squeeze my hand when it hurts, not break it. 2) He hasn't even started yet."

 

[Triskelion]

T4TWs Orange Monster!

7/9: What the heck is wrong with Tom's weird-ass lizard weener?
Chakotay: It was like that before.

 

[Leviathan]

Tuvok: My mind to your moss.

 

[Leviathan]

Tuvok: Still better than TSFS-era security uniforms!

 

[tharpdevenport]

"Star Trek: Futurama"

Watching salamander Janeway and salamander Tom do it.

7: "Um, should we be watching this? It seems kind of personal."

Tuvok: "That's not an issue for us, we're highly-advanced 24th century beings."

7: "What about the moaning? Is it okay to listen?"

Chacortay: "Sure, but act like it's no big deal. Just pretend you're adjusting your tricorder's settings."

7: "Is it weird if I talk about his crazy salamander penis?"

Chacortay: "No."

 

[Nerys Myk]

TUVOK: When do we get rid of this lame security armor?
CHEKOV: Not till the 24th Century.
TUVOK: Then I'm out until then.

 

[Triskelion]

T4TWs The Orange Monster! Woo hoo!

Janeway: So has Tom's field medic training been helping Starfleet's best tactical officer in the Delta Quadrant?
Tom: Oooohhh, burn!
Tuvok: It does leave something to be desired.

Neelix: I have a suggestion Captain. What if I used some buzzards from the buzzard collectors for our Thanksgiving meal?
Tuvok: I hesitate to think what he believes jeffries tubes are.

Tuvok: I don't know why they left orbit without me. All I said was this mission has taken a fern for the worse.

Tuvok: Two lizards dry humping.
Chakotay: Yes?
Tuvok: What?
Chakotay: Oh, you...wouldn't know...about...my school nickname.

Young Tuvok: THIS AIN'T THE CARL SPOCK! I SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR THE CARL SPOCK!
Tuvok's Moms: THIS ALL WE CAN AFFORD! NOW GET UP OFF THE FLOOR IN YOUR IDIC SCHOOL CLOTHES!

 

[Finn]

New contest coming this weekend!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Tuvok: Repeatedly referring to me as the Great Gazoo IS NOT LOGICAL!!!

 

[Bry_Sinclair]

Tuvok: So you come and visit me now, but when my mind deteriorates it's Seven's death that pushes you to get the ship home early!

Tuvok: (thinking) Did Neelix just past gas? [*sniffs*] (thinking) Yes. Yes he did.

Chakotay (os): Tuvok, have you found Neelix yet?
Tuvok: [*covering the fresh mound of dirt with moss*] Negative, Commander. [*smirks*]

Chakotay: What is that?
Seven: I do not know.
Tuvok: It is Kes, Commander.
Chakotay & Seven: Who?

STD early Klingon makeup test.