Contest: ENTER Voyager Caption Contest # 169 Manuevers

[Catarina]

F for 'fuck it' award goes to: Triskelion

Chakotay: Well, we asked the producers for more characterization. What'd you get?
Kim: Hair gel. You?
Chakotay: Someone took my hair gel.

Joan River's burn award goes to Logic puzzle.

Tom: Harry where does the smoke come from?
Harry: It appears to be an emergency alert.
Tom: What kind of emergency?
Harry: Fashion police


Damnit, Jim, now I'm hungry award: goes to: Orac

Starfleet HQ: Hi, can I help you?
Paris: I would like a basket of chips,
A beef chimichanga with a side of sour cream
I would like some guacamole on my chimichanga
With a quesodilla of tomato, onion, and vegetables
I should like a burrito with beans, beef, and
I would like a carne asado taco
Could you put some hot sauce on that for me?
No, inside the taco, not on the side
Yes, can I have a carne asado taco?
Not a pollo asado, we don't have chicken
Do you have guacamole?
Can you make me some guacamole?
I have guacamole
Ok, on my burrito I would like the muchaco beef and the shredded pork
And some more cheese, please

Men and women agreed on one thing award: Nerys

KIM: Homina....homina,,,homina

90s cliche bad boy award goes to Mr. Lazer beam

Chakotay: I want Ensign Kim court-martialed immediately! The charge is: Facial assault with a Sharpie.

capturing the essence award: Jirin panthosa

KIM: I am going to take initiative and take charge of this entire campaign to wipe out the rebel forces, even if it means brazenly defying orders!
DOC: Now your 'historical record' is just getting ridiculous! Ensign Kim, taking initiative?

KIM: I'm going to tell you all the reasons I deserve a promotion!
JANEWAY: Zzzzz...
KIM: Captain?
JANEWAY: Sorry, I drifted off there for a moment. What were you talking about?
KIM: Promoting me to lieutenant!
JANEWAY: Zzzzz....

KIM: And that's when I finally got my promotion.
JANEWAY: Oh. I probably shouldn't tell you what I'm going to do to this timeline.

Team work award: Tressa an Nerys Congratulations

Jeri: "So, Garrett, I found this obscure website nobody has ever heard of that said you were..."
Garrett: What? Not that again! Please tell me they just got me mixed up with George!

Nerys adds:
Jeri: So you're not Japanese?

 

[A Chimpanzee & 2 Trainees]

Cullah: Useless Federation technology! This defective battery VAPORIZED my Galaxy Note 47!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Seska: I'd like to talk to you about Amway...

Culluh: Hello, CLEVELAND! Are you ready to ROCK?!??

 

[Catarina]

Cullah: Hypocritical Federation. I'm taking your shuttle for stealing Kazon technology!
Paris: You mean those matchsticks?

 

[Catarina]

That moment where Chakotay wished he had taken the call in his office.

 

[Catarina]

Wang: Something wrong, Roxann?
Dawson: Oh, nothing. it's just...you know when Kate does her panel about being the only woman who got stranded with 4 inch heals, the hair doos and and push up bras? It is really short sighted of her. I mean, I have all that and a forehead to put on! You don't see me making a fuss for fan sympathy.
Wang: I see. Well soon you'll be a director and you can come in looking like a slob in no time!
Dawson: Don't be silly. I have self respect.

 

[Catarina]

Torres: Do you know you have coffee stains all over your carpet?
Janeway: Those aren't coffee stains. They are blood stains from the last officer who joked about my coffee habit.

 

[Jedman67]

SESKA: "I just saved 15% on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"

JANEWAY: "Neelix has added Raktajino to the replicator program. I want him off my ship!"

KAZON: "An Uptown A Train is now arriving on the Express Platform. Please stand clear of the platform edges.
A Queens-Bound E Train is now arriving on the Local Platform.
This is a message from the Metropolitan Transportation Authority. If you a Suspicious or Unidentified Object, please inform a police officer or transit worker. If You See Something, Say Something."

 

[tharpdevenport]

Torres: "And I leave you this status report, Don Janeway, on this -- the day of your lizard babies birth."

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIM: The Captain wanted this done by 1300.
TORRES: Yeah yeah...I just gotta finish this post.
KIM: This never happened when Carey was in charge.

SESKA: I'm baaaaack

CULLAH: We've taken the ship..and they have shampoo and conditioner!!!!!

 

[tharpdevenport]

Kim: "Anything yet? I feel like I should be accomplishing something so I can get promoted."

Torres: "All right, accessing the shuttle's log file now: it's the Goddard from the U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC 1701-D. According to this is was being piloted by Counselor Deanne Troi when it crashed."

 

[Triskelion]

T4TW Catarina!

B'Elanna: Away Team Mission Report: Ensign Kim is...proving to be...the biggest asshat...on this mission.
Kim: Don't write that!!!
B'Elanna: Don't call you an "Asset"?
Kim: Oh, well that's ok....
B'Elanna: ...Also he....needs his....ears checked.

B'Elanna: A high-polarity invisible dog fence?
Janeway: No, a reversed-polarity invisible hedgehog fence.

Culluh: A fitting end for a people who would not share their technology. Let's see if you manage to survive without your Ernest Goes to the Delta Quadrant mini disc.

Seska: I've got your son, Chakotay. And I've named him after you.
Chakotay: You named him Chakotay?
Seska: No, your other name.
Chakotay: Not Commander Jockey Shorts!
Seska: I meant, Amal-Kotay, you oxygen-deprived moron.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Just wanted to point out that:

"Garrett: What? Not that again! Please tell me they just got me mixed up with George!"

Was not part of my quote.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Janeway: "It's okay, B'elanna. You can look me in the eye."
Torres: "Sorry, Captain. If I did, I wouldn't be able to stop laughing at your hairdo. *squeak* Did I say that out loud?"
Janeway *sighs*: "And the demotions keep coming..."

 

[Nerys Myk]

JANEWAY:and....
TORRES:I'm sorry I locked Neelix in the airlock.
JANEWAY:and...
TORRES: Filled it with delta radiation
JANEWAY:and
TORRES:didn't know delta rays make Talaxians even more annoying,
JANEWAY: Don't let it happen again. Do the damn research!

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Ensign Kim visits Paris and B'elana's quarters shortly after they finish making love.

B'ELANA: I don't know how to say this, and I know we're low on power, but I need to request more replicator rations.
JANEWAY: Why?
B'ELANA: I broke some stuff.
JANEWAY: What stuff?
B'ELANA: ...All the stuff in my quarters.
JANEWAY: How'd that happen?
B'ELANA: Well, Lt Carey pissed me off, but I knew I'd get in trouble if I hit him. So I went to my quarters.
JANEWAY: *Sigh* This is the LAST time.

KULLAH: Captain's log. We somehow manage to keep pace with a ship traveling a thousand light years per year even though our engines are far inferior. I'm not sure how that works, but it all makes sense when Seska explains it.

SESKA: As you can see. The Kazon haven't mastered the most basic of modern technology because they put all their R&D effort into perfecting the art of cosmetic surgery.

 

[Finn]

Janeway: Have you found out what happened to my coffee?

Torres:...I don't know how, but apparently the bio-gel packs gained sentience and got hooked on all the coffee.

Janeway: *mutters* Picard never had to worry about the Enterprise drinking his damn Earl Grey.

The Computer: I'm not the Enterprise

 

[tharpdevenport]

Ensign Kim visits Paris and B'elana's quarters shortly after they finish making love.

Kim: "Wow, all this happened just from doing it?"

Torres: "What? No, I finished early and filed some status reports. Paris just kept going. He's like an animal."

Kim:" Huh. Like a lizard?"

Torres: "SHHH!!!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

Kim: "Wow, all this happened just from doing it?"

Torres: "What? No, I finished early and filed some status reports. Paris just kept going. He's like an animal."

Kim:" Huh. Like a lizard?"

Torres: Amphibian, actually. Very versatile.

 

[Drob]

Tom: <comm> "Oh, and the Delta Flyer tends to turn itself inside-out if you lean too hard on the clutch first five thousand space miles."

Bugs: "Gee, ain't I a stinker?"

Culluh-io: <rapping> "We keep spending most our lives living in the gangsta's paradise..."

(Fantastic Voyage'r, The Greatest Hits)