Title : Brain Squad!
Author : Rob Morris
Type : Remix of the TOS episode, 'Spock’s Brain'
Rating: PG
Summary: ‘Spock’s Brain’ has often received a drubbing–what happens when it receives a Drebin? Will the Nielsens go up?
Brain Squad!
by Rob Morris
STARFLEET SQUAD! - IN COLOR
( The Narrator Speaks )
TONIGHT'S EPISODE : SPOCK'S BRAIN
( But screen reads 'Comes A Horseman' )
"Detective's Log, Frank Drebin on duty. I was investigating some destroyed planets when I got a call about a Code 3.14156. Someone had stolen a Vulcan's Brain. I decided to put the lineup off till later."
( We see The Doomsday Machine, The Whale Probe, V'Ger, A Borg Cube and The Crystalline Entity all lined up next to a star )
"Don't any of you even DREAM of trying to leave this Quadrant!"
"Before I left, I decided to stop off and see good old Quark."
Quark, what do you know about a Vulcan's Brain?"
"Detective, I am merely a humble businessman. What do I know about such weighty matters?"
( Slips him a small bar of latinum )
"All right. They can't last more than twenty-four hours without it. But if you bring ----this control device---- you should be able to move him around in a most undignified manner."
( Drebin leaves; Q appears )
"Quark, how do I undo a causative temporal loop that I myself didn't create?"
"Do I look like a physicist?"
( A bar of Latinum )
"All right. God does NOT play dice with the Universe. He does, however, play pinochle!"
"As I passed by Wolf 359, I saw that the Federation was still cleaning up from that disaster."
( In space are maids, construction workers with Jackhammers, and guys with power sprayers. Some Borg are eating donuts )
"Finally, I got to the USS Enterprise. As usual, Odo was there before me."
"What've you got, Constable?"
"Well, Frank, let's just say that my people have cast me out again."
"All Right."
( Together )
"My People Have Cast Me Out Again."
"Odo and I decided to ask the Ship's Captain, James T. Kirk, what he knew."
"All I know, Detective, is My Friend Is Dying And I Can't Help Him!"
"Sorry, Captain. But I don't know that one. Vic, you know 'My Friend Is Dying, And I Can't Help Him'?"
( In A Corner Of Sickbay is Vic, on the piano )
"Yeah, Frank, I do. But howzabout something a little more bouncy?"
"Can't do, Vic. Deanna's on the 'D', remember?"
( Kirk nods )
"She sure is."
( McCoy screams )
"MAY I SUGGEST....."
( Sits down at Piano )
"I've Got You Under My Skin; I've Got You; Deep In The Heart Of Me;"
( As he plays, crew members drop dollars in a large brandy jar )
"We followed a lead, and traced Spock's brain to one of those out-of-the-way post-apocalyptic pre-Genesis worlds."
( Brute-Man shakes, scared )
"No! The soft ones come for us!!!"
( Frank nods )
"I thought they might swing that way!"
( As Drebin and the others descend, Chekov fires his phaser at a mound-shaped rock, then pushes a stick into the rock, moving it back and forth. The rock bursts, and popcorn comes out.)
"Jiffy-Pop is Russian Inwention, after all."
"Down below, we found some Theiss-wear bimbos wielding neural control devices. For some reason, I was unaffected. Some of the security folks weren't so lucky."
( On the ground, we see tiny red shirts around baked potatoes )
"We cornered the leader, who decided to play dumb. But she was dealing with a master of the art."
"Who Are You? You Are Not Morg? You Are Not Imorg?"
"No, I'm not Morg, and I'm Not Imorg. I'm just an honest cop, trying to recover a Vulcan's Brain. Now, show me how its done!"
"No! We must use the back room for such things!"
( Drebin pushes her out of the way, puts on Teacher's Helmet. McCoy objects )
"Drebin! Your Brain is not configured for that thing. There could be side effects."
( We see Drebin has turned into Curly from The Three Stooges; Then he is normal, and takes the teacher off )
"Oh, its all so simple! EVEN a child could do it."
( In front of Spock's body is a Hi-Fi VCR with a Dolby Pro Logic 5.1 Sound System. Frank hooks it up with ease.)
"No, its wearing off! Must--set--clock."
"Captain's Log--Luckily, since Detective Drebin successfully hooked up the sound system, we have managed to restore much of Spock's Brain, which we have digitally remastered."
"NO! You Must Not Take Him Away! WITHOUT HIM WE WILL DIIIIEEEE!!!!"
( Frank slaps her around )
"Get a hold of yourself! Get a grip, I said!"
"Detective, stop That!"
( Kirk tries to calm her down, starts slapping her, too )
"Stop It! Get A Hold Of Yourself!"
( Scotty stops Kirk )
"Cap'n! The very idea...All right, you, Ah thought I told yew to calm down...."
(As she screams, we see Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, Rand, Riley, and the rest all waiting behind Scotty, some wielding large blunt objects )
( Spock's Brain is restored )
"Well, Doctor. You have done your usual exemplary job. Truly you are a fine surgeon with complete emotional control."
( Kirk looks at McCoy; He shrugs )
"Jim, it may take a few hours for everything to settle back in just right."
"What will become of my people?"
( Drebin )
"Your people will do just fine, Missy. But as for you, from now on, if you want to steal any brains, you'll have to do it at Statesville Rehab Colony."
( We see Spock playing with the Dolby Pro Logic System; Feedback hurts McCoy's ears )
"I should never have done it."
"Done what, Doctor?"
"I should never have gotten the powered sub-woofer!"
( All except Spock laugh and freeze as the credits roll. Spock observes the phenomenon )
"Fascinating."
STARFLEET SQUAD! IS A DESILU PRODUCTION!
Announcer : Next week on Starfleet Squad!
"Captain Janeway, let me just talk with your Mister Tuvok for a moment."
"May I be of some assistance, Detective Drebin?"
( Drebin whispers to him )
"Nordberg, that disguise is brilliant!"
( Tuvok looks confused, then whispers back )
"Damn it, Frank, you want to blow my cover?"
Announcer : Detective Drebin travels to The Delta Quadrant to clear his partner of a crime he might well have committed!
Author : Rob Morris
Type : Remix of the TOS episode, 'Spock’s Brain'
Rating: PG
Summary: ‘Spock’s Brain’ has often received a drubbing–what happens when it receives a Drebin? Will the Nielsens go up?
Brain Squad!
by Rob Morris
STARFLEET SQUAD! - IN COLOR
( The Narrator Speaks )
TONIGHT'S EPISODE : SPOCK'S BRAIN
( But screen reads 'Comes A Horseman' )
"Detective's Log, Frank Drebin on duty. I was investigating some destroyed planets when I got a call about a Code 3.14156. Someone had stolen a Vulcan's Brain. I decided to put the lineup off till later."
( We see The Doomsday Machine, The Whale Probe, V'Ger, A Borg Cube and The Crystalline Entity all lined up next to a star )
"Don't any of you even DREAM of trying to leave this Quadrant!"
"Before I left, I decided to stop off and see good old Quark."
Quark, what do you know about a Vulcan's Brain?"
"Detective, I am merely a humble businessman. What do I know about such weighty matters?"
( Slips him a small bar of latinum )
"All right. They can't last more than twenty-four hours without it. But if you bring ----this control device---- you should be able to move him around in a most undignified manner."
( Drebin leaves; Q appears )
"Quark, how do I undo a causative temporal loop that I myself didn't create?"
"Do I look like a physicist?"
( A bar of Latinum )
"All right. God does NOT play dice with the Universe. He does, however, play pinochle!"
"As I passed by Wolf 359, I saw that the Federation was still cleaning up from that disaster."
( In space are maids, construction workers with Jackhammers, and guys with power sprayers. Some Borg are eating donuts )
"Finally, I got to the USS Enterprise. As usual, Odo was there before me."
"What've you got, Constable?"
"Well, Frank, let's just say that my people have cast me out again."
"All Right."
( Together )
"My People Have Cast Me Out Again."
"Odo and I decided to ask the Ship's Captain, James T. Kirk, what he knew."
"All I know, Detective, is My Friend Is Dying And I Can't Help Him!"
"Sorry, Captain. But I don't know that one. Vic, you know 'My Friend Is Dying, And I Can't Help Him'?"
( In A Corner Of Sickbay is Vic, on the piano )
"Yeah, Frank, I do. But howzabout something a little more bouncy?"
"Can't do, Vic. Deanna's on the 'D', remember?"
( Kirk nods )
"She sure is."
( McCoy screams )
"MAY I SUGGEST....."
( Sits down at Piano )
"I've Got You Under My Skin; I've Got You; Deep In The Heart Of Me;"
( As he plays, crew members drop dollars in a large brandy jar )
"We followed a lead, and traced Spock's brain to one of those out-of-the-way post-apocalyptic pre-Genesis worlds."
( Brute-Man shakes, scared )
"No! The soft ones come for us!!!"
( Frank nods )
"I thought they might swing that way!"
( As Drebin and the others descend, Chekov fires his phaser at a mound-shaped rock, then pushes a stick into the rock, moving it back and forth. The rock bursts, and popcorn comes out.)
"Jiffy-Pop is Russian Inwention, after all."
"Down below, we found some Theiss-wear bimbos wielding neural control devices. For some reason, I was unaffected. Some of the security folks weren't so lucky."
( On the ground, we see tiny red shirts around baked potatoes )
"We cornered the leader, who decided to play dumb. But she was dealing with a master of the art."
"Who Are You? You Are Not Morg? You Are Not Imorg?"
"No, I'm not Morg, and I'm Not Imorg. I'm just an honest cop, trying to recover a Vulcan's Brain. Now, show me how its done!"
"No! We must use the back room for such things!"
( Drebin pushes her out of the way, puts on Teacher's Helmet. McCoy objects )
"Drebin! Your Brain is not configured for that thing. There could be side effects."
( We see Drebin has turned into Curly from The Three Stooges; Then he is normal, and takes the teacher off )
"Oh, its all so simple! EVEN a child could do it."
( In front of Spock's body is a Hi-Fi VCR with a Dolby Pro Logic 5.1 Sound System. Frank hooks it up with ease.)
"No, its wearing off! Must--set--clock."
"Captain's Log--Luckily, since Detective Drebin successfully hooked up the sound system, we have managed to restore much of Spock's Brain, which we have digitally remastered."
"NO! You Must Not Take Him Away! WITHOUT HIM WE WILL DIIIIEEEE!!!!"
( Frank slaps her around )
"Get a hold of yourself! Get a grip, I said!"
"Detective, stop That!"
( Kirk tries to calm her down, starts slapping her, too )
"Stop It! Get A Hold Of Yourself!"
( Scotty stops Kirk )
"Cap'n! The very idea...All right, you, Ah thought I told yew to calm down...."
(As she screams, we see Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, Rand, Riley, and the rest all waiting behind Scotty, some wielding large blunt objects )
( Spock's Brain is restored )
"Well, Doctor. You have done your usual exemplary job. Truly you are a fine surgeon with complete emotional control."
( Kirk looks at McCoy; He shrugs )
"Jim, it may take a few hours for everything to settle back in just right."
"What will become of my people?"
( Drebin )
"Your people will do just fine, Missy. But as for you, from now on, if you want to steal any brains, you'll have to do it at Statesville Rehab Colony."
( We see Spock playing with the Dolby Pro Logic System; Feedback hurts McCoy's ears )
"I should never have done it."
"Done what, Doctor?"
"I should never have gotten the powered sub-woofer!"
( All except Spock laugh and freeze as the credits roll. Spock observes the phenomenon )
"Fascinating."
STARFLEET SQUAD! IS A DESILU PRODUCTION!
Announcer : Next week on Starfleet Squad!
"Captain Janeway, let me just talk with your Mister Tuvok for a moment."
"May I be of some assistance, Detective Drebin?"
( Drebin whispers to him )
"Nordberg, that disguise is brilliant!"
( Tuvok looks confused, then whispers back )
"Damn it, Frank, you want to blow my cover?"
Announcer : Detective Drebin travels to The Delta Quadrant to clear his partner of a crime he might well have committed!
Brilliant again! Brings back fond Police squad memories!
hilarious.
