TOS Caption Contest #284: Journey to Caption

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone, time for a new contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "First world problems" Award, going to:

Bones, I don't care how many AMT or Polar Lights models of the Enterprise you've built, you still need to clean up your modeling desk.

Next, we have the "Set course for Amazonia!" Award, going to:

In accordance with the Articles of the Federation for the treatment of prisoners, we demand snu-snu!

Next, we have the "Alternate Settings" Award, going to:

Chekov: "Yes yes yes yes ... oh God yes ... ahhhhhhh ... please more ..."

Spock (os): "The controls appear incorrectly set."

Next, we have the "REALLY Alternate Universe" Award, going to:

JASMINE:...and this is Jafar.
ALADIN: But who are Abu and Iago?

Next, we have the "Misdemeanor or Felony?" Award, going to:

Spock: I have arrested the doctor. The charge is, impersonating Karl Urban.

McCoy: Wait, WHAT?

Our Photoshop award, goes to:

"Yes, I pirate the signal, Captain. And we have no 'Brady Rule' in this universe."

"Sweet."

MIRROR KIRK: Spock! Let me out of here so I can execute you!

Congrats to our winners and many thanks to everyone who participated!

And now, the next contest!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Kirk: (thinking) I really hope that synthehol doesn't become standard on starships.

Could there be a worse omen than this in Star Trek?

Uhura: Personal Log, Lieutenant Uhura. Captain Kirk has been acting like a total jerk to everyone again. I think the crew is beginning to consider a mutiny.

Kirk: Very funny Lieutenant. I'm sorry I forgot your birthday.

Nimoy: The script calls for you to get the last word in this episode. Bill has already begun petitioning for a rewrite.

Spock: It is remarkable and how much more efficient this ship is run when I am in command.

Uhura: Should I tell him that you're here Captain?

Kirk: Preserve the surprise.

 

[Nerys Myk]

INTERCOM: Will Security Squad Alpha please report to the Transporter Room.

MR. LESLIE: Ah, you guys go ahead. I forgot something in my quarters.

KIRK: Whoa, really been hitting up the plomeek broth, eh Sarek?

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: Thank you, T'Pok.

UHURA (thinking) I didn't know Spock even had a sister.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Redshirt Leader: "Alright, whichever one of you is humming 'Knockin' on Heaven's Door,' knock it off!"

 

[T'Girl]

Sarek: "... and so Vulcans learn to drink sehlat urine while crossing the desert, today it's highly prized for the intricacy of it's texture and structure ... wouldn't you agree Captain?"

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Sarek (to bartender): "Under no circumstances are you to give my wife more than two drinks."

 

[Nerys Myk]

AMANDA: Doctor, I'm here for my "physical"...oh, hello Spock.

 

[Nebusj]

``Well, Ambassador … Even in this brief conversation I've come to understand so much more about your son … and why he drinks.''

``OK, it's still eating Johnson. When the light turns green, Matthews, you rush in and it eats you. After that, Richardson, then Leslie, then Maccomber … never fear, eventually indigestion is bound to set in!''

``Personal log: talk to Uhura about setting her publicity stills as screensaver defaults.''

``Well, I don't know why the computer threw up all those multicolored disks. Amanda, did you see anything?''
``I certainly wasn't browsing DeviantArt! I mean, no.''

``If he stays off the bridge just a couple more seconds I'll have Shatner entirely written out of the script.''

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: Well, I hate to leave the reception, but I'm needed on the Bridge.

UHURA: No sir, everything is fine up here.

KIRK ( firmly) I said, I'm needed on the Bridge.

 

[CrazyMatt]

Security chief: "One more time men, so we have it perfect when the captain arrives!"

All: "We who are about to die salute you!"

 

[Maurice]

KIRK: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

SULU'S VOICE: The red light is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no docking on a white light.
UHURA'S VOICE: No. The white light is for immediate loading and unloading and there is no docking on a red light.
SULU'S VOICE: The red light has always been for loading and unloading there is never docking on a white light.
UHURA'S VOICE: Don't tell me which light is for docking and which light is for loading.
SULU'S VOICE: Listen Uhura, don't start up with your white light shit again.
LESLIE: God, sometimes I wish this shirt curse would work...

UHURA: Excuse me, sir, there's been a little problem on the bridge...
KIRK: The bridge...what is it?
UHURA: Its the round room at the top of the ship where the helmsmen sit, but that's not important now...

BONES: Nervous?
AMANDA: Yes.
BONES: First time?
AMANDA: NO, I've been nervous lots of times.

 

[Armored Saint]

Next, we have the "REALLY Alternate Universe" Award, going to:

Thanks!

SAREK: Yes, it tates like urine, but it is the only logical way we Vulcans found to be able to live together.
KIRK: Is it also the secret of your happy marriage with an emotional Human?
SAREK: Yes!
KIRK: I'll quickly learn to like it!

 

[Armored Saint]

BONES: With your own mom?
AMANDA: Well, it's a Vulcan tradition, don't be so shocked doctor.

 

[Triskelion]

TFTW Leadhead!

Sarek: Until he was three years old, we dressed Spock as a girl and called him Amelia.
Kirk: What?
Sarek: Logic, yadda yadda yadda.

Scotty: Now remember, the secret to survival is sticking together - hey, where's Iggy?
Ricky: He thought he heard the ice cream man and he went to check it out.
Scotty: Bloody hell!
Iggy: <screams>

Kirk: Is he gone, Lieutenant?
Uhura: Yes sir, but in the future you might try not scanning your butt cheeks into Spock's sensor station and logging it as "The moons of Uranus".
Kirk: That's ok, I can still do "Fart Nebula," "Full Rectal Eclipse," and "The Chocolate Milky Way."
Uhura: Not my point, but yes, sir.

Amanda: Spocky, you forgot your itchy bottom balm again. Take off your pants.
Spock: Not now, mother.

Kirk: Why is it so quiet up here?
Spock: Turns out we had a volume button for every station.

 

[Armored Saint]

WYATT: What do you mean by backward?
KELLEY: Where do you think you are? This is Star Trek, not Father Knows Best! Bill Theiss designed that for your breasts, not for your shoudler blades.

 

[T'Girl]

[]

Amanda: "When Spock was seven years, we sent him into the deep desert."

Spock: "For a survival test."

Amanda: "Yes of course a "survival test."

Red Shirt One: "What's the red light mean?"

Red Shirt Two: "Uhh ... that it's okay to open the air lock doors?"

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Spock: "My mother was just telling me, Doctor, that you and she have previously met."
Amanda: "Many years ago, I was a swimming instructor at Ol' Miss University. So, tell me, Lenny...you still got those 'surgeon's hands'?"
McCoy: "Oh my God! You're the 'Water Cougar'!"

 

[Armored Saint]

Spock: "My mother was just tells me, Doctor, that you and she have previously met."
Amanda: "Many years ago, I was a swimming instructor at Ol' Miss University. So, tell me, Lenny...you still got those 'surgeon's hands'?"
McCoy: "Oh my God! You're the 'Water Cougar'!"

KIRK (os): I don't wanna know how you used to call my mother when you were her intern!

 

[Nerys Myk]

Only the top of the line models knew how to read.