TOS Caption Contest #192: Who Invited You?

[Rat Boy]

Ah, I love the smell of a new caption contest. First, on to...

Now this is awkward. And creepy. Creepy and awkward, that's what this is...

KIRK: I'm going to PRETEND I didn't feel both your hands on my shoulders during the prostate exam.

This is also awkward, though thankfully lacking in any anal penetration...

MCCOY: According to reports, the planet below has exploding rocks, plants that shoot poisonous thorns and humanoid-seeking lightning. Shall we beam down, Spock?

SPOCK: Are you crazy? I'm not wasting valuable crewmembers or officers on this miserable planet. Let's send down a couple of those stupid redshirts instead.

(pause)

SPOCK: (whispering) They're right behind me, aren't they...

And I guess Sulu and O'Neil beamed down to Rock Ridge, which is also awkward...

Sulu: "I had forgotten there was so much racism in this time period! And I don't like the way those guys are looking at me!"
O'Neil: "Don't worry, I'll smooth things over. Surely they don't have anything against the Irish."

And our Photoshop goes from awkward to even more awkward...

McCoy: "Spock, this... this behavior is way out of character for you. As the ship's chief medical officer, I'm afraid I'll have to confine you to quarters."
Spock: "Very well, doctor. But... can the guards stay with me?"

Congratulations to the awkward...I mean winners, yes winners. Speaking of awkward, we have three situations that fit the bill, featuring appearances from Nomad, guys in funny hats, and Nazis. And you thought season three had all kinds of crazy. Enjoy:

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "Spock, if another probe shows up seeking its creator, please shoot meet."

Spock: "Delighted to, Captain."

Maab: "They have beamed down...without pants!"

Kras: "Told you. Now sign the damn treaty."

McCoy: "Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Jim. How you going to explain this one to Colonel Klink?"

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Kirk: "Well, Spock?"
Spock: "Scans are conclusive, Captain. The probe is female. You should try sleeping with it."

Kras thinking: "Hmm. A Klingon would look good in a ponytail."

Kirk: "We're here to see the Space Pope. We've got a bone to pick about his ill-considered comments about atheists"

McCoy: "We ain't no damned atheists!"

 

[cooleddie74]

NOMAD: Perhaps you have met my older and larger cousin.

He goes by the name of V'Ger.

BOB THE DISCOUNT KLINGON: See, Teer? I told you about these Federation humans.

They don't appreciate the value of a good Sloppy Second.

KIRK: Quick!

Get her and Dr. McCoy into the tunnels! And tell Hogan NOT to send the message to London until AFTER we've beamed back to the Enterprise!!

 

[cooleddie74]

NOMAD: You come from the third planet? A planet with one large natural satellite?

This planet is called...EARTH?

KIRK: Actually, if you want to get technical...I come from Iowa. Though some would argue with that.

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "All right, what's the back-up plan?"

Daras: "You pose as an Italian film crew with dynamite strapped to your ankles."

Kirk: "Here, you two take off your shoes and I'll help you with the dynamite."

McCoy: "Ah crap."

 

[cooleddie74]

McCOY: I'll pretend I'm drunk...that always worked back in the old days when Nancy wanted sex.

DARAS: Excuse me?! What is he talking about?

KIRK: Just pretend you didn't hear a WORD of what was just said...and we might just make it outta this alive!!

 

[cooleddie74]

TEER MAAB: These Earthmen have MORE to bargain with than just weapons and power. If they want our rocks, they will have to offer us samples of this "Bling" they keep speaking about.

 

[ItsGreen]

Only DeForest knew this crossover episode would be a bad idea.
Schultz of course knew noth-thing!

 

[jep]

Klingon: "I feel like the ringmaster in a damned gypsy circus."



.

 

[jep]

And, just as McCoy had feared all along, the transporter experienced a tragic malfunction...


.

 

[Mr. Adventure]

"Bones! You're so much...softer...than I remember."

 

[ToddPence]

Whatever you do, Bones, DON"T MENTION THE WAR! I mentioned it once or twice, but I think I got away with it . . .

 

[LeadHead]

Nomad: I am more efficient than your usual means of killing people who wear red.

Kirk: Spock?

Spock: It's true Captain, 47 redshirts are dead and we haven't even beamed anywhere yet.

Kirk: We will save so much on Transporter fees. Nomad, you're hired!

Kras: Humans, I naturally have the upper hand here.

Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise. Beam the Klingon to the Brig.

Kras is beamed away

Kirk: Now, we can settle the trade deal, your teer doesn't have to be overthrown and the baby can be born peacefully.

Grant: And I get to live!

Grant is killed by a throwing dagger.

Kirk: Meh, can't have everything.

Kirk: Bones, what are you doing here?

McCoy: The Nazis gave me a medal for saving Edith Keeler.

 

[jep]

Kirk: "Ah, Isak, you're just in time. The "hero of the Fatherland" here has generously offered to pull a train for us. Care to join in?"

Daras: "Wait, wait, I offered to do what?"

Isak: "Well, there is a spy in this building with a secret transmitter and I should be hunting him, but I think it can wait. Hail the Fuhrer."



.

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: Where's my cappuccino?

ANDREWS: And I thought I was gonna look gay!

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Kirk: This space probe is unlike anything I've ever seen.
Spock: That is not the Nomad space probe, captain — it is Lieutenant Uhura's vibrator.

 

[The Squire of Gothos]

KIRK; "Dammit Spock the Robot Wars league opens in a week"
Spock; "I would remind the Captain that world sterilising energy weapons are prohibited in the league. Would a chain saw suffice?"

 

[Mistral]

Kirk: "Spock, what is it?"

Spock: "If my scans are correct, it's a combination coffee maker and food processor."

Kirk: "You mean-?"

Spock: "Yes, Captain. It purees coffee. We can finally drink that slop Yeoman Rand makes."

 

[Gary7]

Thanks for the win, Ratboy.

Spock: "It not only has the capability to destroy this ship and everyone aboard, it has a built-in garbage disposal, vacuum cleaner, hot beverage dispenser, and an AM/FM transistor radio with dual extend-able antennae."

Nomad: "I AM NOMAD. I AM DOMESTICALLY FULLY FUNCTIONAL."

Andrews: (thinking to himself) Man, if I knew I'd be around a crowd of weirdly dressed freaks here, I would have taken that acting job on "Mod Squad". Next break, I've gotta find me a phone booth.