TOS Caption Contest #189: Take a Load Off

[LeadHead]

Kirk: I've got bad news, the Kelvans are now responsible for 10 more deaths.

Spock: You sit on more crew again?

Kirk: No, I went to the Batting Practice cage in the gym. They loaded the team from Science Lab 2 into the machine.

McCoy: How long did it take you to figure that out?

Kirk: After the first one?

Scotty: Why didn't you stop after that?

Kirk: I was batting a thousand!

 

[Captain Crow]

Kirk, drunkly: Anyone wanna see a one eared elephant?

Others, flatly: No.

 

[Mistral]

Gary Seven was thrilled with his brand-new, top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art piece of equipment. And he was pretty happy about the new typewriter, too.

 

[T'Girl]

Kirk: "I've received some disturbing news."

Spock: "What is it Captain?"

Kirk: "According to the Klingons, Scotty didn't actual beam all those tribbles over to the Klingon ship."

Spock : "Then what happen to ... "

McCoy quickly drops his food to his plate.

 

[Maurice]

GARY SEVEN: Oh? Think you're so advanced? Type me an M-Dash.
TYPEWRITER (types): *SOB*

 

[Isis]

Kirk: "This planet ain't bad."

Spock (OS, only audible to Kirk): "Well, Sir, you might have endeavored to better familiarize yourself with Iotian culture. By elevating your feet in that manner, you have just challenged Bela Oxmyx to a duel."

Kirk (only audible to Spock): "By any chance, can you fill me in on the Iotian gesture for 'Whoops, only kidding'?"

Kirk: "Spock, I don't care what the Vulcan custom is. When you eat with other crewmen, Mister, you are not to play with your food."

Gary Seven: "Was that as good for you as it was for me? Surely you can't blame me for asking...sometimes what comes out of you is a little hard to read."

 

[Drob]

In the future, dinner is a pile of tasteless, depressing funcubes.

---

Kirk: "Whats this? I ordered my shit medium-rare"

---

Kirk: "Im not eatin' this fuckin' shit again!" <punches Spock in the back of the head>

---

Kirk: "You know this stuff gives me the shits."
<Scotty eats with gusto>

---

Kirk: "Spock, stop trying to mind-meld with brunch."

 

[Drob]

Gary Seven: "Whats that sexy typewriter? You want me to type what on my what?"

---

Just then Gary falls backwards crashing a vase on the head and a typewriter in the nuts.

---

Gary Seven - Author of several obscure erotic thrillers, all involving cats.

 

[Drob]

Gary Seven: "Nothing better than a lounge" <leans back gingerly in creaky chair>

Kirk: "Ya call that lounging, this... This sir, is lounging!" <BOOM, up go the feet>

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: Fish sticks and custard?

SCOTTY: It's my Great-grandma Pond's favorite recipe.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Scotty: "If I hadn'a seen it with muh own eyes, I wouldn'a believed it! This borgas frat can actually shuffle deli-sliced turkey just like it was a deck o'cards!"

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "Why yes, I do find it ironic that your henchmen had the exact same suit measurements as I do."

*sucks in gut*

McCoy: "How was your date with Kelinda?"

Kirk: "The suction cup marks on my back should be proof enough."

Gary Seven: "Now I want this part in italics...no, no, italics, stop typing what I'm...dammit."

 

[LeadHead]

Kirk: So we're gonna take over the whole planet. But we've got changes planned for your little planet. This mafia stereotype has been played to death.

Krako: So what are ya gonna do?

Kirk: Well, we're renaming this Sigma Rowling IV and sending you all of the Harry Potter books.

Krako: Nuts to this! I'm gonna hide in my vault.

Kirk: That's The "Chamber of Secrets" now.

McCoy: What's the matter Jim?

Kirk: I tried to pick up Uhura. Even as a styrafoam cube she wants to stay away from me.

Gary Seven: Thanks to the efforts of Captain Kirk and Mister Spock, the Earth was nearly destroyed. Mission Accomplished.

 

[Gary7]

Kirk: "Spock, you've been at that thing for almost 48 hours straight now..."
Scotty: "And he's not stoppin!"

 

[Gary7]

 

[Gary7]

Kirk: "Cawz I'm deh... I'm deh..... I'm..."
McCoy: "The Captain?"
Kirk: "--deh captinn! Thazit.... yeah."

 

[SeerSGB]

Kirk: Where awesome and win meet, that's me mofos.

Gary Seven: Typewriter on, vocal input..."Spock slowly eased his hand down the front of Kirk's ripped uniform, gently tugging at the waist of Jim's pants..."

Typewriter: Self-destruct activated! Self-destruct activated! Self-destruct activated! Self-destruct activated! Self-destruct activated! Self-destruct activated!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Spock: The Andorians call this gristhera. I call it CRAP!
Scotty: Aye lad. I prefer me haggis.
Kirk: I think my plate is moving!
McCoy: (chomp chomp chomp) Delicious!

 

[Isis]

Gary Seven (to self): "The best thing about typewriters--they don't back. A great improvement over Isis. Sometimes she can be so catty."

 

[ItsGreen]

Fuhgeddaboudit, after this performance that Emmy is in the bag!