TOS Caption Contest #144: Hands-On Treatment

[S'kai]

"Fifty bucks, Captain. Same as on the outside."

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Kirk: "Well done Ensign. Keep it up, and you'll be promoted from Captain's turbolift whore to Captain's colonic irrigator in no time."

Spock: "Fascinating, all these years and I never realised Uhura was a futanari."

Spockfink: "Your phasers cannot harm me... My cape is like a shield of diburnium-osmium."

 

[Triskelion]

Not to worry, Captain, I have prepared some witty barbs with which to decimate the bullies.

Kirk: Nice...shaft.

"RED" IS NOT A FLAVOR!!!

Excellent lines, good heft - but how will it hold up against hippies?

I'm sorry, Spock. I said "maize", not "maze".

 

[Jonas Grumby]

New from Paramount Pictures! Leonard Nimoy IS Bilbo "Badass" Baggins in The Baddest Mutha Hobbit of Them All!

 

[scottydog]

Shaw: "You're right, Captain. The more I do it, the more hair grows on my palms."

McCoy: "No, Jim! The shuttlebay hangar doors look like THIS!"

Spock: Layla, youve got me on my knees.
Layla, I'm begging, darling please.
Layla, darling wont you ease my worried mind.

 

[Shatmandu]

Kirk: "Can you check outside for more of those crazy Landru fuckers?"
Spock: "Yes, Captain. <makes a throwing motion toward the floor and disappears in a cloud of smoke.>"

Shaw: "I love you."
Kirk: "Thanks."
<she looks stunned; doors shut>

McCoy: "IT SHOULD HAVE TAKEN LONGER THAN TEN MINUTES TO GET FROM EARTH TO VULCAN!!!"

Spock, inspecting something: "Hmmm. Why would Mr. Sulu's underpants be in this field?"

 

[Rat Boy]

Spock: "Yes, I am Frank Costanza's lawyer."

 

[Hambone]

LEILA: No, Mr. Spock, you misunderstood me. I said "With those pointy ears, you look like a jackrabbit hopping off in the field."

SPOCK: Wait. Almost there. Ah, there we are.

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: Where's the plomeek patch?

 

[Shatmandu]

Spock: "Pardon me. The Enterprise has no visible toilets."

 

[scottydog]

Spock: "If I stick this in the ground and sit on it...."

Reger: "It'll hurt."

< later that day >

Leila: "Oh look! Spock on a Spike!"

 

[Rat Boy]

Leila: "You've been firing that phaser into that gopher hole for an hour. I think it's dead by now."

Spock: "I must be certain."

 

[Alrik]

SWEET! A Win! Big time thanks!

Harry (OS): "You don't scare me, Tom."

Kirk: "What are you saying?"
Shaw: "It's over."
Kirk: "But the gesture?"
Shaw: "It means Rosie's your girlfriend now."

McCoy: "Gawd damned baboon ate the whole bag of Oreos."

Kirk: "Clyde's an orangutan Bones."

Leila: "Any luck?"

Spock: "Not as yet. This was not a good place to lose a contact."

 

[Alrik]

Spock: "I believe you are correct. This does appear to be the same one that Michael Phelps was photographed with."

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: Inform Dr. McCoy there is no sign of his "giant carnivorous rabbits."

 

[cooleddie74]

Love means never having to say you're sorry for almost ruining your ex-squeeze's career and life.(TM)

McCOY:"They SHRANK TV GUIDE to what size?!

They took THE LOCAL CHANNEL GRIDS OUT !??!?"

SPOCK:"Curious, Captain.

The people of Landru appeared to have mastered the Jumbo Size Slim Jim LONG before Earth humans!"

SPOCK:"Who keeps screaming Outlander and Your Woman?!"

 

[cooleddie74]

AREEL:"Bye for now, lover.

I'll tell the baby his daddy was killed in battle."

 

[Isis]

Spock: "Sir, would you please endeavor to watch your step."

Reger: "Thank you for alerting me--I could have really hurt myself."

Spock: "Oh, I don't give a s**t about you. I just don't want anyone ruining this fine vat of plomeek soup."

 

[Cuhl]

McCoy: "For the last time, my name is BONES, not BONER!"

 

[M'Sharak]

"I JUST ATE A HALF-POUND OF GARLIC!" *haaaaaaaaah* "CAN YOU TELL?!"

Spockfink: "Your phasers cannot harm me... My cape is like a shield of diburnium-osmium."