TNG season 1 drafts from Creating TNG by Mark Altman & Ed Gross

Discussion in 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' started by Lance, Jan 24, 2015.

  1. Orphalesion

    Orphalesion Commodore Commodore

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    Yay a new outline!

    I know:rolleyes: I was not speaking literally, merely saying that the "crystalline tree" sounds a lot like the CE and that the design might have been reused even, similarly to the theoretical design of the reptilian people in the draft of "Code of Honour" and the televised version of "Lonely among us" Like Dave Cockrum said "nothing creative ever goes to waste." but can be re-used somewhere else.

    On topic: Woah....the broadcast version of Justice is awful....but this early draft is not better, just different. Once again we have that theme of "going where Kirk has gone before"...and it's quite annoying.

    Otherwise this sounds 100% like a TOS episode, just change a few names, juggle a bit of dialogue around and you're there. It even has a "redshirt death" something most of TNG thankfully avoided.
    Also I'm worried that the whole mention of "city streets" and "cars" and such would have led to the episode being shot at one of the studio back lots with contemporary (or historical) cars and wardrobes like it happened in TOS to save money. No thank you, I'd rather have the "Greek Ken and Barbie planet" than "Planet 1987" (not saying that I liked the Edo, I effing hated them, just that I'd take them about a planet that looks exactly like America in the 1980s for no reason.)
    Also doesn't the outline seem a bit to long for a TV episode? Too much seems to be happening for the allotted time-span. We have the initial scouting, then the explanation of the planet's history, the second meeting with the natives, the banquet, the redhsirt death, the redshirt funeral...the new locations and scenes just don't stop! They had to streamline that somewhat.

    The only plus side I can see of the early draft is that there was at least an explanation as to why the Enterprise had contact with a (seemingly) pre-warp civilisation.
     
  2. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    ^ Yeah I agree Orphalesion, the above first draft does come across as too long (more than a little unweildy in fact), and certainly very TOS-like. ;) Black's second draft, which I alluded to, basically follows the above outline, but tightens everything up -- instead of the initial scouting mission taking place on screen, it happens before the episode takes place (just as in the broadcast version), and the connection to Kirk's Enterprise was (wisely) dropped from the second draft as well. Tenson the Redshirt still dies, but in this case he does so while saving Wesley from the cops. The ending of Draft #2 saw the Enterprise crew not involving themselves in the war on Llarof, and ended on the downbeat note of Reneg being killed by Trebor for his treason. "Perhaps they'd risk being legally executed for dropping a piece of paper on the sidewalk," muses Picard "to live without fear of being raped or robbed or murdered in their sleep. In any case Number One, they have a right to their own system of justice."

    Once Worley Thorne takes it over, we get the introduction of the re-named planet (firstly Selene V in Draft #4, and then Edo from Draft#5 onwards) being a pre-warp civilisation, and in Thorne's first draft the Enterprise crew use the planet for shore leave without initially making contact with the natives at all -- they know they're there, but they just kind of decide to land away from the cities and hope they don't encounter them. :rolleyes: Thorne's final draft outline is the first one to introduce a God creature into the mix.

    The one thing I'll say for it all, is that it *is* fascinating to compare the draft summaries, and see the gradual evolution of the story to what we ended up with. :)
     
  3. MikeS

    MikeS Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

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    You've all already voiced my intial thoughts here - "another TOS reference", "Why would Picard allow his crew to take shore leave", "the story would span two episodes". Just to add, "Mascha (arriving on her duty shift) is surprised to find they are in orbit around Llarof, and advises supreme caution...", what kind of ship is this that doesn't consult with its security chief about its destinations and ask her knowledge and advice! And did anyone else find Llarof similar to Llandru from Return Of The Archons? Is that the continuity they were aiming for here or was it from an unaired adventure of Kirk's?

    I'm almost tempted to say that what we got was better. :lol:
     
  4. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    (Original source: "Creating The Next Generation" by Edward Gross and Mark A. Altman, Boxtree Publishing 1994, ISBN 0-7522-0843-8.)

    8. "THE BATTLE"


    Plot Summary:

    This original draft outline, written by Larry Forrester, titled "Ghost Ship", is dated April 16th, 1987.

    The Enterprise is maintaining a patrol of the territoral line between Federation space and the area under the control of the Ferengi Alliance. A Ferengi warship stares at them from the other side. On the bridge, Data fills Picard in on the other vessel, including identifying its captain as Daimon Bok. The name of course means nothing to Picard.

    We cut to the Ferengi ship, where a similar conversation is taking place. The crew, in particular first officer Kazago, are astonished when Bok decides to open communications with the Federation starship. Over on Enterprise, Riker advises Picard to be careful of a trap, but Picard accepts the hail. Bok then introduces a feed from another location, whereupon we are shown the starship USS Stargazer, Picard's former command, adrift but salvagable.

    Picard fills Riker in on his history on the Stargazer. He desperately wants to go over and see the ship himself, but Riker won't let the captain be put into danger until he is absolutely certain it is safe. Picard tells Will that he had been forced to abandon Stargazer after a battle (which he won) with a Ferengi warship a decade ago.

    On the Ferengi vessel, Bok is looking over a machine called a 'trauma recall unit', a device that projects a beam into the mind of another and draws out secret guilts and fears. Kazago discusses Picard with Bok, and they look at the captain's "brain chart", obtained from the memory banks of the Stargazer. Kazago warns Bok against using the trauma recall unit, saying the device has been banned. Bok dismisses him. During the conversation, it is clear that Kazago has serious doubts about Bok, having observed an unhealthy obsession his Daimon has with Jean Luc Picard, but Kazago does his duty and obeys.

    The first thing the away team discover aboard Stargazer is that her memory banks have been completely emptied of content. Not just that they've been accessed, but clean of any information whatsoever. The ship is badly damaged but has been repaired with some Ferengi engineering. Data theorises this might have been necessary to get the ship into servicable condition to bring it to the border. Over on Enterprise, Picard is trying to sleep, but suffers from severe migrane. He goes through a flashback to the traumatic events of Stargazer's battle with the Ferengi, then collapses. In sickbay, Deanna declares she feels a 'profound sense of hatred' that has enveloped the captain. At this moment, Picard suddenly awakens in a cold sweat.

    The away team is back on the Enterprise, and, tasking Data with researching Daimon Bok, Riker visits the captain in his quarters. Learning of the captain's flashbacks, he quizzes Picard further about the exact details of that final battle with the Ferengi, with Picard remembering the enemy ship making a suicide attack which was only averted with some quick tactical thinking by Picard. The captain has no idea why the memory seems to be resurfacing as acutely in his mind as it has. He feels no guilt over the incident. He again asks Riker if he may visit the Stargazer, and while Riker doesn't say no, he does advise against it.

    Over on the Ferengi ship, Kazago is having a meeting with another of the Ferengi crew, the chief medical officer. He is disturbed about Bok's apparent obsession with Picard, and says that although he loves Bok 'like a father', they discuss the possibility that they may need to relieve Bok of command. The medic claims he has no authority to force Bok to undertake a physchological test, but he will ask the Daimon if he will willingly submit to one. Otherwise there is nothing else he can do unless Kazago can bring him further proof.

    Aboard Enterprise, Picard seems completely out of it. On the bridge, he refers to Geordi using the name of his former Stargazer helmsman, and then realises his mistake and is deeply troubled by it. Data has finished his research on the Daimon, but has found nothing in the records to indicate a prior link between Daimon Bok and Picard.

    On the Ferengi ship, the chief medical officer tells Kazago that Bok has refused a medical. There is nothing else that can be done. On the bridge, Daimon Bok tells his first officer to watch out for the Enterprise breaking the border. Kazago forms the opinion that his captain might be using the trauma recall unit to make Picard break the treaty, so that Bok would have justification for firing on the Enterprise. He says privately to another Ferengi officer that if he does not act, then surely integalactic war with the Federation will result, something Kazago is eager to prevent. To this end, he makes contact with Commander Riker, without the knowledge of Daimon Bok. In this discussion, witnessed by Deanna Troi, Kazago speaks cryptically (just in case Bok is listening in), hinting to Riker that the Stargazer is a "Trojan horse", and saying that crossing the border would be an act of war. There is some back and forth between the two first officers, as Riker intuitively figures out what Bok is really telling him between the lines, and Bok does the same with Riker's similarly coded responses. A sense of mutal respect builds between the two. As communication closes, Deanna offers that she senses only sincerity from Kazago.

    Picard is taking respite on the holodeck, in a country setting. He is joined unannounced by Beverly and Wesley. The boy has been fascinated by the Stargazer, given his father's connection to the ship, and asks many questions. Picard answers them as best he can, but Beverly notices that he avoids mentioning the final battle. After Wes leaves, Beverly sits beside the captain, and they air their feelings about Jack Crusher and the Stargazer. Picard is startled to notice that although the final battle has been weighing heavily on his mind, he hadn't reacted to his associations between Jack's death and his old ship. There might be a significance, why is it that memory's of the final battle are so intense in his mind, over-riding any other memories? This prompts Beverly, who suddenly recalls vaguely a banned device that could do exactly that (the trauma recall unit)...

    Daimon Bok confronts Kazago. He is angry that his first officer has contacted Riker, and he relieves Kazago of his duties, confining him to quarters. Back on the Enterprise, Picard has another bad flashback. This time he absently dresses himself and goes to the bridge, where he opens contact with Bok. He asks a 'barrage of questions' about Bok's motivations and why he's brought the Stargazer here. Bok declares innocence, saying he is giving the ship back to Picard as an act of goodwill. the commincation ends, and Picard asks Riker if maybe this isn't really the Stargazer, could it be a trick, could it be simply designed to resemble the old ship? Riker notes the Ferengi technology aboard Stargazer and says anything is possible. He knows what Picard is thinking and tells him he should not beam over. Picard accepts this, leaves the bridge, and immediately heads to the transporter room, disobeying his first officers recommendation.

    With Picard on the Stargazer, and Damon Bok using the Ferengi technology aboard Stargazer to put a block on the Enterprise's transporter locking onto their captain, Riker attempts to contact the Ferengi ship. He takes the hard decision to breach the border. As Bok uses the trauma recall unit to further confuse Picard on the Stargazer. Picard hears Bok's voice in his head, telling him that the Ferengi ship he destroyed a decade ago was "under a flag of truce", and that her Daimon had been Bok's son. Kazago has been lurking, and has overheard this exchange. He runs to the Ferengi chief medical officer and enlists his help. Picard sinks deeper into the flashback, and Picard sees the approaching Enterprise on the screen as the Ferengi vessel from all those years before. As Stargazer powers up, Riker makes contact with the captain, and tries to talk him down. Beverly joins this conversation, and the sound of her voice (and her reminder to him of Jack) almost helps to rouse the captain from his dazed course of action...

    Kazago and the medical officer barge into Bok's quarters and place him under arrest, citing a 'emergency situation' as his authority to do so. Bok isn't bothered; he says he has placed an explosive device on the Stargazer, so in any case he will have his vengenace on Picard. Kazago opens contact with Enterprise, quickly explaining that Bok has been relieved of duty and telling Riker about the explosive. As they figure out together how to unjam the transporter, Captain Picard is only barely retrieved from the Stargazer before it explodes.

    Riker expresses his sincere appreciation to the Ferengi first officer. Kazago accepts this praise, and returns it, further saying that the Enterprise's breach of the border will not be reported to the Ferengi command. With the crisis over, and a sense of peace between the two people's, the ships head their seperate ways.


    How It Differs From The Broadcast Version: As with the Ferengi's previous appearance, in the draft version of "The Last Outpost", the structure of "Ghost Ship" is remarkably close to the episode as broadcast (which was retitled "The Battle"). And as with the draft version of "The Last Outpost", the general differences are a matter of emphasis. The most immediate difference is that "Ghost Ship" provides many more moments aboard the Ferengi vessel, showing the Ferengi crew and building a sense of Kazago's honor, and Bok's madness for revenge. Edward Gross and Mark Altman comment in the book that the overall effect is not unlike the TOS episode "Balance Of Terror", where the script took the opportunity to show what is happening on the Romulan ship and drew deliberate parallels between the commander of the vessel and Captain Kirk (just as "Ghost Ship" builds a parallel between Riker and Kazago). The finished episode contains only the barest amount of this, most of the scenes aboard the Ferengi ship having been cut. Other differences are relatively minor: there is no mention of 'The Picard Maneuver', nor execution of it in the finale. An opportunity is taken by the use of the Stargazer to bring a sense of the Picard/Beverly/Jack thing to the fore. Otherwise, the story is fairly similar to what we eventually got, it just has a few little tweaks here and there. One intriguing thing I will note is that the exact nature of the earlier battle between the Stargazer and the Ferengi ship is left much more ambiguous than in the broadcast version: Picard is said to have perceived the earlier Ferengi ship's actions as a "suicide run", whereas Bok declares (apparently in all seriousness) that the other vessel was under a flag of peace, and the underlying feeling, left unspoken, is that perhaps Picard *did* make a mistake by engaging the Ferengi in battle, his military training having overtaken his better judgement. The episode as broadcast in fact makes it much clearer that Bok is lying through his pointed teeth. Also, in this draft outline the Ferengi first officer has misgivings about the political ramifications of what Bok is doing, which is his motivation for removing his Daimon from command, whereas in the broadcast version the first officer's misgivings seem mostly related to Bok giving the Stargazer away as a gift (rather than, for example, asking for something in return).


    My Take: I've got a lot of time for the broadcast version of "The Battle", I actually think it's one of the first season's unqualified successes. :techman: "Ghost Ship" is likewise a strong storyline, most of which made it fully intact into the final version. One thing I do admire about "Ghost Ship" is that it goes that one step further to try and explore the Ferengi culture (who were still being touted as the new ongoing nemesis of the Federation at this time), with the shipboard scenes on the Ferengi ship allowing us some insight into how their military works. In the characters we also get the feeling of depth, and like the draft version of "The Last Outpost", there's a much greater sense of the Ferengi being treated 'seriously'. It is a pity that these scenes were removed from the final version, as they would have given further insight into the Ferengi, but in this case the storyline in the broadcast version just about survives their absence. :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  5. Nebusj

    Nebusj Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    OK, wow. A lot of the episodes have sounded more mature in the initial draft compared to what ended up on-screen, but I think this is the most severe. The outline at least sounds reasonably like something in which everybody involved acts like a grown-up, and the story seems to really be about something.

    That said, there's way too much plot for them to have done in 45 minutes. The story would have ended with the Weekians' corrupt old leadership surrendering just so they could sit down and catch their breath. (It's weird that so many of the first season episodes are languid.) And yet somehow the Enterprise seems to be passive participants. Their big scene is acting as observers to the Weekians taking action (and yeah, they're, to put it nicely, active observers, but they're still not the prime movers). On the other hand for a story with that much plot that might not even be noticed.

    The motif of using a letter-of-the-prime-directive thing to push social change turns up in the aired version of 'Symbiosis'. It's a pretty slick trick, one of the things I appreciated about the show that season.
     
  6. Maurice

    Maurice Fact Trekker Premium Member

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    What's he towing it with? A tugboat? ;)
     
  7. Dukhat

    Dukhat Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Well I don't have much to say about "Justice," since it's pretty much completely different than the Skinemax version we actually got, but as far as "The Battle" is concerned...

    Reading these synopses continues to make me realize just how damaging Roddenberry was with his rewrites, and how much better the first season of TNG would have been if he'd left well enough alone. Between the scenes on the Ferengi ship and the continuing omissions of the effect of the deceased Jack Crusher on Picard, Beverly and Wesley, there could have been so many great character moments here. Instead we get our first dose of technobabble with that silly "Picard Maneuver," and the Ferengi are yet again reduced to a bunch of idiots, that is when we even see them in the episode. So much telling instead of showing in the final version...
     
  8. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    One thing I will say for the broadcast version of "The Battle", vs the outline above, is that maybe the Ferengi are a little too 'generic' in the outline. They could be Romulans, Klingons, whatever. At least the broadcast version does remember that the Ferengi have the quest for profit as a guiding motivation for their actions.

    And the concept of revisiting a TOS-style setup with a 'what happened 20 years later?' viewpoint was kind of touched upon in "Too Short A Season" as well. :) Several of TNG's first season episodes took that kind of post-modern look back at what TOS had done, almost like the players were all using the cynicism of the 1980s as a mirror for the idealism of the 1960s. ;)

    For the sake of interest, I thought some of you might like to see a list of the dates that the outlines mentioned in 'Creating The Next Generation' originally came in on (I hope this isn't too confusing; I've tried to be thorough and include everything the book tells us here):


    * "Meeting At Farpoint" (outline) December 5, 1986
    * "Justice" (original John Black outline) January 5th, 1987
    * "Love Beyond Time And Space" (aka "Haven", first draft outline) February 11th, 1987
    * "Encounter At Farpoint" (first draft script) February 17, 1987.
    * "Where None Have Gone Before" (first draft outline) February 17, 1987)
    * "Justice" (John Black second draft outline) February 17th, 1987
    * "Code Of Honor" (first draft outline) March 6th, 1987
    * "Justice" (first Worley Thorne treatment) March 16th, 1987
    * "Where None Have Gone Before" (second draft outline)March 24, 1987
    * "Love Beyond Time And Space" (aka "Haven", second draft outline) March 30th, 1987
    * "Justice" (second Worley Thorne outline) April 6th, 1987
    * "Ghost Ship" (aka "The Battle", first script treatment) April 16th, 1987
    * "Where None Have Gone Before" (first draft script teleplay) April 17th, 1987
    * "The Naked Now" (D.C. Fontana draft outline) April 27, 1987
    * "The Last Outpost" (first draft outline) May 1st, 1987
    * "Lonely Among Us" (first draft outline) May 26th, 1987
    * "Hide & Q" (first draft outline) June 30th, 1987
    * "Apocalypse Anon" (aka "Datalore", first draft outline) July 22nd, 1987
    * "Justice" (first draft script teleplay) July 29th, 1987
    * "Datalore" (second draft outline) August 13th, 1987
    * "The Big Goodbye" (first draft outline) August 17th, 1987
    * "Datalore" (third draft) August 27th, 1987


    Principal photography on the series began on May 29th, 1987, so several of the above storylines were in a reasonable shape for shooting at the time it went before the cameras (although others were obviously still in various states of drafting). The book is not quite exaustive enough to say when the final 'shooting scripts' were written, so I can't vouch for those. :D
     
  9. Orphalesion

    Orphalesion Commodore Commodore

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    That is true, the Ferengi in the outline sound very much like the TOS Klingons. And if you look at the early desgin concepts here: http://ottens.co.uk/forgottentrek/creating-the-ferengi/ they even kinda looked like an updated version of the TOS Klingons more so than the actual TNG Klingons :lol:.
    Idk if it would have worked to go from those Ferengi to Quark. And Quark is certainly a character I would not want to miss from DS9.

    Intriguing list. It does offer some insight into when certain changes in the show's conception took place. I assume "Heart of Glory" and "Skin of Evil" were among the last drafts produced.
    I just hope this list is not your closing post because we get to "Hide and Q" and "Haven" soon and I'm still quite stocked to hear your thoughts on those ;)
     
  10. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    ^ One revelation from that list is that "Ghost Ship"/"The Battle" was actually delivered before "The Last Outpost"...

    I'll certainly be continuing the summaries. "Datalore" in particular is very different to the broadcast episode...
     
  11. BillJ

    BillJ Canon Warrior Premium Member

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    I believe that "Datalore" was the last episode rewritten by Roddenberry (or his attorney).
     
  12. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    There was an episode, allegedly written by Roddenberry, named "Ferengi Gold" intended for either season two or three depending on who you ask. But it never ended up going into production.
     
  13. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    (Original source: "Creating The Next Generation" by Edward Gross and Mark A. Altman, Boxtree Publishing 1994, ISBN 0-7522-0843-8.)

    9. "HIDE & Q"


    Plot Summary:

    This original draft outline was written by Maurice Hurley, and is dated June 30, 1987.

    The Enterprise is en route to a medical emergency, when their path is blocked by the Q Grid. Q appears on the bridge, saying he is here to provide "test number two" for the crew. Picard angrily tells Q that they don't have time for this, saying there are people dying. "Your species is always dying," Q replies dismissively. As Q then transforms into a cowboy and debates with Picard, Dr. Crusher reports from sickbay, asking if they should continue to prepare for the emergency given Q's appearance, and Picard confirms they should. Q seems impressed by humanity's confidence of spirit, and then he declares that test number two will be one of teamwork and co-operation. With that he clicks his fingers and the entire bridge crew except Picard find themselves on a barren foggy planet. Q's voice rings out over them: "Can you forget your own petty needs, for the common good? Can you sacrifice, when you know that another will not just survive, but will benefit greatly...?" The 'game', he says, is hide and Q, where the crew will have to seek him out. Back on the Enterprise, Q sits alone on the bridge with the captain. Picard asks why send everybody except him into the test, and Q responds that he already knows what the captain is capable of from their encounter at Farpoint... this exercise will be a test of how the rest of the crew function without Picard's leadership to guide them. To this, Jean Luc declares complete confidence in the abilities of his team.

    Seemingly abandoning the concept, Q appears to the crew on the planet. Cryptically he says that last time they met nobody died, but this time somebody is going to "bite the dust". Worf moves in for the kill, but Q uses a phaser to knock the Klingon backwards. While this is happening, Picard paces the bridge, alone. He attempts to make a captain's log, but is unable to -- only for Q's voice to do so a moment later.

    On the planet, Q has gone back into hiding, so without any better ideas the crew begin to discuss how they might be able to 'seek' such a being. There seems to be no logic to Q's actions, so how do you outthink somebody like that? He could be anywhere, and indeed not playing by fair rules at all. Riker observes that Data hasn't added anything to the discussion, only for the android to turn around and it's Q. Riker laughs that they've found him and the game is over, but Q argues he hasn't hidden yet. And then he says "If I'm here, where's Commander Data? Perhaps you will have to seek him as well." As a last throw of the dice, he then makes Tasha Yar vanish, before disappearing himself. Naturally, this aggrivates the remaining crew.

    Tasha reappears on the bridge, followed by Q. The omnipetent being says he thought he'd bring Tasha back because Picard might be lonely and want some company. Q transforms into a rowdy 'cosmic biker', who then gets angry with his own people, saying that are dealing with the situation too calmly: "They aren't even trying!" An image materialises on the viewscreen of the away team exploring the planet. The crew have found what appears to be an old west town. There is a creepy feeling, shadows seem to dance around and there's an inhuman chatter. Q allows Picard to open communication with Riker. Picard believes he understands Q's purpose, but says the game must be played out to a natural conclusion. The away team remember Q's words about someone dying, and a series of situations play out where one after the other a member of the team is placed in danger but the others help them out, during which they also 'find' Data again [EDITOR'S NOTE: the summaries are not forthcoming about what these 'situations' are], all the time with guidance from Picard on the ship. Q seems to get bored, and brings everybody back to the bridge, before vanishing himself. Riker is confused, until Picard explains he figured out what Q's aim was: that Picard was the one who was in charge of the 'game'. Picard compares Q to a child who has no friends, and perhaps he must try and find others to play games with him. The Enterprise continues on its mission.

    The captain arrives in his cabin to find Q there, reading his Shakespeare book. Q seems to still think he is playing hide and go seek, and asks how the captain knew where he would be. Picard replies calmly that this would be the most 'perverse' place Q could hide, therefore the logical one. He talks with Q, finally coaxing his purpose: where the crew thought they were interacting with only one being, one 'Q', there are in fact three of them (explaining Q's seemingly erratic behaviour). This one in the cabin says the Q planet is dying, and they need to relocate. Q asks for the captain's help. Picard is bemused; everything he's seen of the Q and their extraordinary powers, they would seem to need no help from corporeal life-forms such as the Enterprise crew. This Q simply says it's not a case of being unable to move themselves, but more that they don't know where to go. 'Of all the species in many dimensions, none compare to man'. Q is seeking Picard (or, rather, humanity) to provide the ability to see beyond the basic Q existance; the Q want to harness the unique capacity of thought that the Q identified in humans the last time they met. Picard asks how many Q there are on their planet. Q responds "a little over a hundred thousand"; Picard asks how many over, Q replies "one point eight million". Q says his planet has many resources, and that the replacement home must have isolation from the rest of the galaxy. Picard wonders if this is just another part of Q's game, but Q says his request is a sincere one. Picard agrees to help the Q find a new home.


    How It Differs From The Broadcast Version: This story was quite a late commission compared to many I have outlined in this thread, being written in response to the production of "Encounter At Farpoint", after which there was a universal desire to do something else with John DeLancie's Q. Therefore, there are parts of the story that are immediately familiar -- Q sending the crew to the planet, Picard (and eventually Tasha) alone on the bridge, Q and Picard discussing Shakespeare, a medical emergency that the Enterprise is responding to -- however, these moments are interlaced with parts that basically try to "define" what Q is. We learn that each time Q appears in a different costume (here as a cowboy, a biker, and the regular Q in a Starfleet outfit; something he did with frequency in the "Farpoint" pilot as well), we are in fact seeing a different being, all of them wearing the same face but with a different personality. The 'Q planet' is also discussed at some length. The finished episode (rewritten by Gene Roddenberry) mostly drops these elements, brings the medical emergency to the fore as a story moment, downplays anything that explains what Q is, and most importantly gives him a new motivation; namely trying to tempt Riker into an 'Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely' type situation by giving him the powers of the Q. One thing I'll note also is that Hurley's version at least makes sense of the episode title, as Q is literally playing hide and seek in the draft outline.


    My Take: The draft outline is incredibly vague in places. Parts of it are ill-defined, in the sense of them simply having directives like "The Crew Encounter X Situation And Use Y To Overcome It", without actually explaining what those events are (presumably the idea was to flesh them out in subsequent drafts; the above is only a *VERY* bare draft outline). The medical emergency is not revisited after it is brought up, which makes it something of an off-screen problem, and even though Hurley attempts to 'explain' what the Q are, on the whole IMO it's an unsatisfying 'explaination' (even though the basic idea that each Q looks the same but has a very different personality is in itself an interesting one) and in fact arguably humanises the Q too much. Roddenberry's rewrite basically realligns Q to what we saw in "Farpoint", a malevolent, omnipetent other-worldly being who toys with the crew for reasons as yet unknown. I must give Roddenberry credit here, as I think he actually saved this story, and certainly it would be hard to imagine Q returning again in the future with as much frequency/force if Maurice Hurley's version of this story had actually made it to screen. This outline seems determined to draw a line under Q and say "Okay, we're done with him now". It was in my opinion a wise decision by Roddenberry to basically abandon that, even though it means that the broadcast version of "Hide & Q" feels sometimes too much like an even more blatant retread of Trelane/"The Squire Of Gothos" with a little of "Where No Man Has Gone Before" thrown in. Roddenberry's version has its faults, but in this case it's still an improvement over Hurley's above draft outline. :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2015
  14. MikeS

    MikeS Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Joined:
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    I had always wondered why it was called Hide & Q. I wonder why they failed to change the name.
     
  15. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
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    The Enterprise's Restroom
    (Original source: "Creating The Next Generation" by Edward Gross and Mark A. Altman, Boxtree Publishing 1994, ISBN 0-7522-0843-8.)

    10. "LOVE BEYOND TIME AND SPACE" (aka "HAVEN")


    Plot Summary:

    This original draft outline was written by Lan O'Kun, and is dated Feb 11, 1987. It goes under the title "Love Beyond Time And Space".

    The story begins with a young man, Victor Flambeau, having a dream about a girl named Aseea. They talk in his dream about how they have waited their entire lives to be together. Victor is roused from his sleep by his mother Louise. Victor tells his mom about the dream, and it becomes clear it's a recurring dream. Victor is a Leiutenant in Starfleet, awaiting assignment to the planet Silver Major, an ice world. His mom is worried about this impending assignment, but Victor attempts to assure her of his safety.

    The Enterprise approaches Silver Major. Captain Picard is having a bath, and he is recording his captain's log as he does so. He talks at length about an impending mission to the planet Tannenger, where someone named Ootel awaits them. His log is interrupted by Commander Riker, who appears on a viewscreen in the bathroom. Riker seems agitated, informing Picard that the captain's God-son Victor will be arriving soon, alongside his parents and Deanna Troi's mother. The captain responds "Who would ever have believed this?".

    In the Enterprise's mess hall, Data and Geordi are having dinner together (Geordi is the only one of them who is actually eating anything, however). Data is telling Geordi about his desire to be human, listing all of the things that make being human special to him, each of which Geordi counters with an equivalent strength about being an android. Mascha Hernadez overhears this conversation, and can't help joining in, playfully joking that Data is "the beautiful Andrew Android".

    Riker and Deanna discuss the current situation. Deanna has been destined to marry Victor since childhood. "I joined Starfleet because he had a God-father who was a legend," she explains "I wanted to please him, to show him I'd share his loves - live his dreams. It was an act of faith. When I was assigned to Enterprise I couldn't believe my good fortune." Riker is disturbed by all of this, and a discussion of their past relationship ensues. Riker asks Deanna if she is actually looking forward to this, to which Deanna replies enthusiastically in the affirmative. Elsewhere, in the shuttle that is bringing Victor aboard the ship, he is dreaming again of Aseea. While he sleeps, the Flambeau's get reacquainted with Mrs Troi, who is typically forthright and honest in her opinions, for example telling the couple they have not aged well in the 25 years since they last met. Also among the passengers is Rolf Roessinger, a businessman of some sort.

    The Enterprise is in orbit around Silver Major. Riker states it will be fifteen minutes until the shuttle arrives. He expresses concerns about this Roessinger character, describing him as "a pitch-man, a hustler, a profiteer, loud-mouthed, irresponsible", and outright says he wants nothing to do with the man. Picard cautions his first officer not to show his prejudices, as Roessinger is head of a consortium of three companies with whom the Federation wishes to make contact. As the shuttle arrives, Picard (perhaps with some sense of irony) orders Riker to go and welcome their guests. In the shuttle bay, Roessinger immediately corners the first officer, complaining about aspects of the flight here. Riker bites his lip, and escorts Roessinger to a meeting with Picard. Deanna arrives to welcome her mother, and then the Flambeau's. Deanna and Victor share a longing look, but even as they do so Victor hears the voice of Aseea talking to him in his head. Victor seems disappointed that Deanna isn't the girl of his dreams, something Deanna detects but doesn't mention. In the background Lawaxana and the Flambeau's are bickering among themselves.

    At their meeting, Roessinger is doing his best to shill Tanneger, telling them the music there "promotes tranquility". It transpires that Roessinger wants to build a holiday resort on the planet, which is refered to as "an Eden in Space". Roessinger is wary of Starfleet's stake in his project, stating that he doesn't want "the military" taking control. Riker is quietly amused as he watches his captain get increasingly annoyed with Roessinger. Data arrives with Victor and his parents, all of whom Picard embraces warmly [EDITOR'S NOTE: rememer that they are family in this draft]. Elsewhere in the ship, Victor and Deanna continue their conversation, but it is awkward because Deanna knows Victor is disappointed. Nevertheless they attempt to make the best of the situation.

    Later, Riker visits Troi in her office, where she is in a meeting with Geordi. They have a stilted conversation about the marriage. There is an understanding between them that this must happen, but nevertheless the treatment refers to a "moment" that comes and goes, after which Riker abruptly excuses himself from the room. Deanna opens up to Geordi about how hard it is to end a relationship with someone like Riker, and Geordi advises her to confront Victor with these feelings. Victor meanwhile is talking with Data about his own feelings, about the dreams and how Deanna is not who he expected to meet. Data advises Victor to talk to Deanna about this. Victor and Deanna then meet and discuss all of the above. A dinner party held to celebrate the occasion, the two of them are putting a good show on it, seeming to be getting along well. The same can not be said for the in-laws, as Mrs Troi continues to argue with the Flambeau's. Later in the evening, the Flambeau's attempt to convince their son to walk away from the marriage. Their motivation is that they don't want to have Mrs Troi as a member of the family. Deanna arrives, and senses these misgivings, but Victor confirms his intention to marry her.

    In the ship's gym, Mascha Hernadez is demonstrating to a class of children about martial arts. She has an insect in a jar, and after telling them about quick reflexes, she demonstrates by releasing the insect and swatting it in a quick chop. The demonstration ends as she is informed that a shuttle has arrived from Tannenger. In the shuttle bay, Ootel (a representative from the planet) and his grand-daughter get off the shuttlecraft. Roessinger has subsequently used his connections to hassle Starfleet Command, and Picard receives a communication from the Federation President stressing the importance of this transaction. Ootel arrives on the bridge, and discussions begin positively. Ootel is invited to the impending wedding. In his quarters, Victory is dressing for the ceremony, when he suddenly hears Aseea's voice in his head asking for him. She's found him, and they share a moment in the corridor outside. It transpires that she is the girl of his dreams, but as they talk and Assea learns of the wedding, she becomes sad and starts to cry. Commander Data happens to witness this from afar and sees Victor hugging Assea. He breaks the news to Deanna and expresses condolences, as it appears Victor has got another woman.

    Picard is informed that it looks like the wedding is off, as Victor and Assea want to stay together. Mrs Troi is upset. The Flambeau's are relieved. Ootel is outraged. He says under no circumstances will his grand-daughter leave with Victor, and the business transaction looks to be on rocky ground. Picard asks Victor to reconsider, stating that if he takes Assea away from her home world, then it will have negative repurcussions on the negotiations. As they talk in a heart-to-heart, Picard eventually suggests to his God-son that he go with her to Tanneger. Victor wants to stay on his current assignment, and Picard leaves him with the thought "follow your dreams". This eventually convinces Victor to go to Tanneger, Ootel agrees with this arrangement, and the marriage between Victor and Assea takes place.


    How It Differs From The Broadcast Version: The broad strokes of the broadcast story are there, but it's a much rougher version. The major differences are mainly that Deanna's betrothed is a relation of Captain Picard, and that Deanna herself is looking forward to the marriage (whereas in the broadcast version she is herself dreading it). The character who would later become Lwaxana Troi is pretty much exactly the same as her eventual television counterpart, although Mister Homn isn't mentioned. The other major difference is the whole subplot with Tanneger/Ootel, with Roessinger the businessman as a middleman between the various parties of what seems to be some kind of business deal in which the Federation is one part.


    My Take: It's pretty weak. The broadcast version of "Haven", which was rewritten extensively by Tracy Torme, is much better than this earlier treatment. O'Kun's treatment feels like the writer hasn't got much of a handle on Star Trek, and quite apart from several of the characters being noticably 'off', there are also some very weird scenes included (Picard dictating his captain's log while having a bath; Mascha demonstrating to children about martial arts by killing a fly); not to mention the subplot with the business deal, with the 'Roessinger' character being some kind of comic relief (I am reminded of TOS's Harry Mudd, or perhaps even Ralph Offenhouse from TNG's own season ender "The Neutral Zone"). Torme's version trims the story down to its basic essentials, and plays up for humor purposes the awkwardness of the situation for everybody concerned. "Haven" is not one of TNG season one's greatest episodes, but it is considerably better than the early draft. :)
     
  16. Allyn Gibson

    Allyn Gibson Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
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    Location:
    South Pennsyltucky
    I just discovered this thread this morning, and I'm going to have to acquire a copy of this book. :)

    I've been thinking about the TOS references throughout the early outlines and why they're there, and I may have a theory.

    My understanding is that Paramount's plan for NextGen, in the event that the series failed, was simply to add the TNG episodes to the syndication package for the original series. If so, making references to Kirk and his Enterprise on a regular basis would have been a way of hedging bets for the eventuality of failure; the twenty-odd new episodes would have been tied to the 79 that came before, and the hypothetical syndicated viewer in an alternative 1990 would have been less likely to tune out for a month. But at some point in the development process, Roddenberry and/or Paramount decided that NextGen didn't need to be tied to the original series quite so tightly, and so the references to Kirk began to disappear in rewrites.

    Just a theory. :)

    As for the idea that the Enterprise wasn't new in "Farpoint," I always assumed that the Enterprise had some service time to her before "Farpoint," and I was confused when later episodes revealed that it didn't.
     
  17. Orphalesion

    Orphalesion Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2014
    Oh yay you continued!

    I have waited for "Love beyond Time and Space"/Haven since you have started these reviews. I always loved the "space romance" vibe that episode had, but hated the execution. And I have to say I agree and disagree with you thoughts on that episode.

    I agree that it sounds less like a Star Trek episode than something that might happen in Star Wars or the original Battlestar Galactica. Patricularly the latter, actually, tweak a few details, replace Deanna -> Cassiopeia and Riker -> Starbuck and it reads like an episode of that series (and a rather good one at that!). I however don't like the idea that Deanna joined Starfleet to impress her betrothed....I mean, really?

    However I do actually think that this version of the story sounds better and has far fewer plotholes and odd coincidences than the broadcast version. Here we at least have a reason why everybody is at Silver Major, while in Haven everybody just happened to be at Haven at the same time and Victor/Aseea seems somewhat less "forced" than Wyatt/Ariana. In short the story convinces me more as a Space Romance and I for one think that the very sober, technical world of Star Trek could use a few of those.
    Pity that even in this version we don't learn why the Flambeaus have adopted a Betazoid custom if they are human, The relation to Picard is interesting. Wonder why it was dropped?
    I really like the "odd scenes" of the crew interacting here, it makes them seem more human than what we usually got in Season 1 and I like that Macha is teaching children martial arts here; they utilize the family element. And I really like the scene between Picard and Victor. I'm just a it confused about the "Andrew Android" comment...is that supposed to be a "Andrews Sisters" reference?
    The businessman does remind me of the guy from Neutral Zone, or a Ferengi. He could be dropped without much fuss, instead Ootel and Aseea could be on Silver Major to meet with the Federation in order to negotiate Tannenger's entry into the Federation.

    I also really like the names here: Silver Major, Tannenger, Aseea.. all very romantic and exotic sounding.

    I would have liked a more polished version of "Beyond Time and Space" better than the mess that was Haven.
     
  18. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    May 9, 2012
    Location:
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    ^ I agree that there is probably more 'color' in the early draft, and also that I don't like the idea of Deanna joining Starfleet etc as a means of pleasing her future husband. :wtf: The family connection to Picard is kind of interesting though, and could definitely have been made something of. :)


    (Original source: "Creating The Next Generation" by Edward Gross and Mark A. Altman, Boxtree Publishing 1994, ISBN 0-7522-0843-8.)

    11. "HOMICIDE" (aka "THE BIG GOODBYE")


    How It Differs From The Broadcast Version: I'm not going to do a complete summary of this one, not because I'm too lazy (although it's partly that :p ;)), but because this one remained essentially unchanged from first draft to finished shooting script. The only ways in which it differed significantly were a) there was a subplot dealing with the repurcussions of Data and Tasha's fling in "The Naked Now", with Data repeatedly trying to talk to her about how profoundly the event affected him and Tasha giving him the brush off; b) in accordance with point A, Tasha Yar is the one who accompanies them into the holodeck instead of Dr. Crusher; c) the Enterprise historian character actually dies in the holodeck instead of merely being wounded as in the finished version; and d) a more concerted attempt to create a 'friendship' between holographic Police Lieutenant McCary and Dixon Hill, including a coda where the policeman "dies" and Hill/Picard comforts him in his last moments. In all other ways, aside from a few changed character names here and there and a different episode title, the story transitioned virtually unchanged to the TV screen. :)

    And so, with that in mind, we move onto:


    12. "APOCALYPSE ANON" (aka "DATALORE")


    Plot Summary:

    This original draft outline was written by Maurice Hurley and Robert Lewin, and is dated July 22, 1987.

    The starship Enterprise is on an urgent mission to stop the destruction of a planet. A specialist has been sent to the ship, Minuet, to help with the recovery mission. The planet had been used as a intergalactic dumping ground for hazardous materials related to fission, and is now in a state of extreme danger. The planet could go at any moment, and the crew want to prevent that from happening, as it could throw the entire star system into jeopardy. Minuet needs to use a shuttlecraft to go to a specific place on the planet, and it is up to a hazard team, led by Commander Riker, to help her achieve those goals. In consultation with Riker and Picard, Minuet plots a new course, determining that they will need to move in small groups like mountain climbers. It becomes clear that Riker is interested in Minuet, something which becomes even stronger as they work closely together to plan the mission.

    As final preparations for the mission take place -- Tasha working on some 'mobile force fields'; Beverly preparing sickbay for the potential of bio-hazard victims; and Wesley Crusher providing a device of his own invention, a kind of self-propelled carrier that can help to move the team from location to location -- Riker invites Minuet to the holodeck for a romantic dinner. They enjoy a beautiful evening, dancing and talking, but it is cut short as Riker is called to the bridge. On the way out of the holodeck, he runs into Deanna in the corridor, who picks up on Riker's feelings and grows a little jealous of Minuet.

    Data visits Minuet, and tells her he is aware of her true nature, saying he is "proud" to be working with another android. She is a little taken aback, as he innocently enquires why she has kept this a secret from the others. She explains that she has always tried to be as human as possible, as she fears that humans might not feel safe or trust her if they knew her real nature. Data is satisfied with this, and says again how pleased he is to have another android to talk to.

    Later, Riker and Data are discussing Minuet, with Riker telling him that Minuet is "the most wonderful women I've ever met". Data is somewhat confused, looks like he wants to tell Riker something, but he doesn't and Riker doesn't pick up on it. They stop by Minuet's quarters, where Riker drops off a protective suit for her, but as they continue along Data can't help himself any longer and asks Riker if he is aware that Minuet is an android. Riker is taken aback, and Data immediately realises he's made an error and apologises for making the commander feel uncomfortable. Riker puts a brave face on it, telling Data not to worry, but then abruptly says he needs some time on his own.

    Eventually, the commander confronts Minuet, asking her why she didn't tell him about her true nature. There is some back and forth between them, with Riker ultimately deciding he doesn't care that she isn't human, and that he would love to be in a relationship with her. Minuet isn't sure it's a good idea, explaining that she can't really respond to him in all the ways of human female would, but Riker dismisses this, saying that relationships always need a lot of work and he'd love to help her learn. She says she would like to give it a chance.

    Picard enquires about Riker and Minuet, and gently asks if the commander is feeling a little too 'close' to this for him to be objective. Riker determines that he is fine. As the away team go to the planet, they operate in two groups: Riker, Minuet, Tasha and Data; the other being Geordi, Beverly, and two members of the Enterprise's security team. On the ship, they monitor the integrity of the planet, and Picard watches trepidatiously as energy levels rise: the planet could collapse at any time. It appears that the delicate ecosystem on the planet, already in a state of potential meltdown, was further tipped over by even the mild energy levels of the away team transporting down. They will not be able to beam anyone else down in case it tips the planet over completely. He is forced to make a tough decision and pull the ship back to a safer position, just in case the planet does collapse, leaving the away team on their own. Meanwhile, Wesley Crusher suggests what he calls a 'transport relay system', whereupon he might be able to rig the transporter to beam the crew up in two phases, effectively halving the possibility of collapse if they should need to rescue them in a hurry. Picard orders him to proceed with the idea.

    On the planet, Riker and Tasha attempt to increase the power of the force field to allow them further safety, but Minuet declares there is little time, and attempts to walk out onto the surface. She puts one arm out and it gets disintergrated. Riker says he can not allow her to commit suicide, despite her programming having kicked in about needing to carry out the mission. Minuet suggests perhaps using Wesley's carrier device, alongside a small range force field to protect her and Tasha. Data steps in at this point and volunteers for the mission, saying that the two androids are more "expendable" than the humans (Riker disputes this, but ultimately, grudgingly, accepts the logic of the proposition).

    Data and Minuet go out into the surface. Eventually Wesley's carrier comes to the correct location, and Minuet explains that they will need to deposit a neutralising agent to rebalance the rapidly decaying ecosphere. In so doing, Minuet is destroyed, but she carries out the mission. The planet restabalises, but it has been at the loss of Minuet.

    Back on the ship, Riker meets with Deanna. They discuss Riker's feelings, and an understanding develops between them that, for now at least, he and Deanna will not rekindle their romance. The episode ends with Riker alone, looking out the window at the newly re-born planet.


    My Take: The story here is very different to "Datalore", but its worth exploring why. We've talked a little in this thread already about how certain things in TNG's early drafts were co-opted and moved around into other stories than the ones in which they actually originated. The Crystaline Entity, for example, clearly began its life as an idea in a very early draft outline of "Lonely Among Us", before later being moved to the broadcast version of "Datalore" instead. Likewise, the basic structure of "Apocalypse Anon" was later lifted out of this story and used in "01001001" instead, with the character of Minuet becoming a hologram rather than an android. It seems that with the writers room on the series rewriting constantly throughout season one, they were reluctant to abandon good ideas even when they needed to drastically change stories. So, while this story never reached the air, Minuet did (after a fashion).
    Nevertheless, "Apocalypse Anon" was also a forerunner of "Datalore", in so much as the idea was to introduce another android. A second draft version, which is also summarised in "Creating The Next Generation", more closely resembles the broadcast story, but with the android found on the planet being not a duplicate of Data, but a female android ala Minuet in this draft (so, Data finds a 'sister' rather than a 'brother'), with the major difference being that Data and the female Lore were both products of an unknown alien civilisation, rather than an Earth scientist in exile. It's worth noting that the idea of having actor Brent Spiner play both roles was something that came up very late in the day, and some reports even say the script for "Datalore" was still being rewritten while it was actually being filmed on the set. Much of Data's ultimate backstory (Dr Soong etc) came out of these last minute rewrites, whereupon up to that point the series had been assuming a certain degree of mystique about Data's true nature. In the end, one might even say that "Apocalypse Anon" is an early draft of both "Datalore" and "01001001", with the ideas being split off and used in different directions, but coming from the same basic genesis: artificial intelligence.
     
  19. Orphalesion

    Orphalesion Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2014
    Good on you for skipping The Big Goodbye. That travesty of a genre shift should have never existed in the first place. Why would I want to see Picard LARP a shitty Noir story?

    Apocalypse Anon sounds interesting. Once again I'm somewhat tempted to like it better than Datalore. I wasn't much of a fan of Lore being played by Brent Spiner, so I like this version of Minuet better (who probably wasn't a painted jazzbar floozy to boot) and I also am intrigued by the idea of multiple Androids running around the Federation without anybody's knowledge.
    Then again Datalore did a better job establishing Data's past and Apocalypse seems more like a Riker story.
    I think I would have preferred the hybrid script that would have basically been Datalore, but with Data discovering a sister and their origin still somewaht a mystery.
     
  20. JonnyQuest037

    JonnyQuest037 Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Location:
    Parsippany, New Jersey, USA
    Wow, I've never heard somebody who was so down on "The Big Goodbye" before. It's actually one of the better-regarded shows of TNG's first season and won the show a Peabody Award.