TNG season 1 drafts from Creating TNG by Mark Altman & Ed Gross

Discussion in 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' started by Lance, Jan 24, 2015.

  1. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    ^ Absolutely MikeS. I could buy that as a better motivation, and I agree NebusJ that the concept isn't a bad one, it's really just the name-drop of Kirk that seems a bit "meh" to me. ;)

    On with the next summary:


    (Original source: "Creating The Next Generation" by Edward Gross and Mark A. Altman, Boxtree Publishing 1994, ISBN 0-7522-0843-8.)

    4. "THE LAST OUTPOST"


    Plot Summary:

    One of the things that TNG very much had on the agenda was the introduction of a new threat to replace the Klingons. In both draft form and in realisation, "The Last Outpost" was intended to do that.

    The draft outline is dated May 1st, 1987. The Enterprise is pursuing a small Ferengi ship that has attacked a mining colony on Gamma 12 and stole a machine whose purpose is to allow more thorough mining with minimum risk. The chase takes them through an asteroid belt, where the Ferengi ship takes refuge. Eventually, they are located to a small planet. The Enterprise is about to open hailing frequencies, when a much larger Ferengi ship, described as being 'three times larger' than the Enterprise, appears behind them.

    The Enterprise prepares for battle, but find themselves unable to fire. The assumption is made that the larger Ferengi vessel has done something to disable them. As Picard attempts to escape, they find that they are being held there by a tractor beam. And then the Enterprise's data-banks are accessed by an outside force, firstly their tactical knowledge, then biology, then history. It's clear that somebody is systematically looking through everything. Whoever is doing this has drained power, which poses a real risk to the Enterprise and her crew.

    The two Ferengi ships remain stationary. After some consideration, the crew decide they are doing nothing -- why disable the Enterprise and then not make any move? What is their plan? Some kind of intimidation? At a meeting, Tasha gives her report in terms of how they may be able to fight their way out, adding that "it may have been a mistake to assign families to this ship". Picard argues the last point, declaring he will do anything he can to ensure the safety of those aboard, even if it means surrender. Communication with the Ferengi is finally made after Picard decides to do exactly that: offer surrender terms. His opposite number from the larger Ferengi vessel, Daimon Taar, appears on the screen (the Ferengi ship interior is described as being ultra-bright, apparently because 'The Ferengi have bad eye-sight so they need to operate in an atmosphere of intense light' -- seriously, THIS is how they introduce their replacement for the Klingons? :D). Before they can discuss anything, the Daimon asks Picard how he has managed to disable two Ferengi starships -- it becomes clear that all three vessels are being held by an unknown fourth party, probably on the surface of the planet.

    Data theorises that they are in the Tkonian Empire, an area of space destroyed 200,000 years ago. To enter the empire required visiting a 'gateway planet', where upon it was necessary to trade with a 'gatekeeper' to gain access. Failure to do this usually resulted in death. It is wondered if this is exactly what they will find on the surface. Daimon Taar re-establishes contact, and contact is also made with Letak, the captain of the smaller Ferengi vessel. Together, the three captains agree that a joint landing party would be a good idea, consisting of members of Enterprise's crew, as well as those of Letek's ship.

    After beaming down, the away team (Riker, Beverly, Geordi, Data and Tasha) arrive in different areas due to the electromagnetic energy in the atmosphere of the planet. It takes little time for them to regroup. As Riker tries to contact the ship, we see crystals on the surface appear to get larger as they absorb energy from the communicators. Back on the ship, they too have found their energy reserves beginning to dwindle; it won't be long before the planet takes enough energy from the ship to make life support fail. Data theorises the crystals are electromagnetic "sponges", perhaps a remnant of a civilisation/technology that no longer exists. Geordi discovers what is described as an 'electomagnetic waterfall', shooting upwards into the sky, presumably the souce of the energy drain on the ships. The away team are ambushed by the Ferengi from Letek's ship, but as the Ferengi open fire the beams move around our crew. Tasha finds that her phaser too has the same effect. The energy from the phasers are being deflected into the crystals around them, which harmlessly absorb their energy. After some arguing back and forth about the mining equipment (the Ferengi claim ownership of the planet Gamma 12 and say the Federation are mining the planet illegally; Tasha admits the Federation didn't even know the planet was 'owned' by anybody), the two crews come to an understanding and agree to investigate together.

    Looking around, they are set upon by a creature which appears to the humans like a rabid dog, but which appears to the Ferengi as something called a Uvex (probably an equivalent). One of Letek's men jumps instinctively to save Tasha from the 'Uvex', before they all realise the creature is an illusion. The Ferengi suffers a cut, which Beverly attends to. Later, they are attacked by a much larger group of these creatures, and together the Ferengi and the humans work together to banish the illusion. They find themselves at the gateway, where a holographic keeper, Dilo, denies them access. It claims they have not passed the test. Dilo admits to being confused as to why the Ferengi and the humans are working together. Until he understands the reason for the contradiction, he can not let them pass, nor can he destroy them. Data confirms that they seem to have discovered a part of the Tkonian Empire, and the Ferengi Letek opines that it seems the gatekeeper is unaware that it's Empire fell long ago (Dilo is intrigued by this). Data continues that unless they can pay the price, they will never leave. Dilo consults what it calls "The Seat Of Knowledge", and sadly confirms the fall of the Tkonian Empire. The planet, Dilo explains, contains the vast knowledge of the empire, but now it has nobody to govern it's use. Riker suggests that perhaps the gatekeeper can become the librarian of the knowledge, and that "if you truely value information, then share it with others. Let every nation share the information of a thousand centuries, to help us learn to lower our defenses, to surrender to wisdom and a higher truth". Dilo reacts favorably to the proposition, and Riker, entering into a deal with Letek, affirms that the planet will be accessible to all, human, Ferengi or others alike: "No culture will acquire more information than it has the wisdom to use".


    How It Differs From The Broadcast Version: The outline version of "The Last Outpost" is astonishingly close to the final broadcast version. Perhaps the biggest differences are in the Ferengi: they are depicted as moderately more credible here, and there are two Ferengi ships rather than simply one. The away teams work more closely together after their weapons fail them on the surface (an image that brings to mind "Errand of Mercy"), with one Ferengi even selflessly leaping to Tasha's defence. Perhaps the biggest clue for why the script was re-written is in the details that are missing, but don't effectively change the story much: The broadcast version features no 'Ferengi Mothership' coming to the aid of the smaller vessel, it features no dog-beasts on the planet, nor many other expensive optical effects like the electromagnetic waterfall. These elements were clearly removed on reasons of cost. Dilo is also a much less powerful figure in the outline draft than in the broadcast version, appearing here to be an out-of-touch and confused old man. Another crucial difference is in the ending: here in the outline, Riker and the gatekeeper never treat the Ferengi as less than they are, but in the broadcast episode the gatekeeper recognises humans as being more "noble" than the Ferengi; something which Riker plays up to as a means of gaining an advantage. The Ferengi in the outline come across as more 'normal', not the witless creatures we saw in the broadcast episode. But on the whole, the outline and the final broadcast version share much closer DNA than some of TNG's other season one stories do to their early drafts. :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2015
  2. Dukhat

    Dukhat Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Something else is quite interesting: The point about the Ferengi needing intense light to see because of their apparently bad eyesight. This actually answers several questions that were completely glossed over in the broadcast version. In our first look at the Ferengi (Daimon Tarr on the viewscreen), there is no background behind him, only white. I originally thought that the producers were too cheap to make a background and resorted to bluescreen (or "whitescreen" in this case). But apparently that was supposed to be the intense bright light Ferengi need to see! So nice that nobody actually mentioned this in the episode, since it really doesn't make sense without context. And of course the idea was dropped not long after this.

    Also, I'm guessing the whole reason why the Ferengi have large ears was apparently to compensate for their poor eyesight. Again, there's no mention of this in the broadcast version. Instead, all it does is make them look stupid (along with their silly interpretive dance movements, idiotic dialogue, BDSM laser whips, and furry moon boots).

    It's such a shame that the Ferengi simply had no chance to be credible villains thanks to this episode. Roddenberry's original idea was that they represented a greedy capitalist society while the Federation has risen above such things. In that context they could have worked better, but "The Last Outpost" just doomed them for anyone trying to take them seriously.

    Another item of note: the "small ship." The Ferengi Marauder model does have a small ship attached to its underside, although I don't know if it was detachable. I wonder if this was a remnant from the original script?

    Great topic, by the way. Looking forward to reading more of this!:techman:
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2015
  3. Orphalesion

    Orphalesion Commodore Commodore

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    I kind of wonder if they tried to go for something akin to the Remans for the Ferengi (looks wise) and just kind of failed at that. Given that they were also rumored to be cannibals they started out a bit goofy before we ever got to see them.
    They might have worked with a more frightening appearance and if they had turned them into something like the Orion Syndicate/ the Hutts from Star Wars; space slavers/gangsters. On the other hand with the Ferengi as they are, we were able to get Quark, so there's something positive about them failing as villains.

    This is indeed much closer to the broadcast version, I also notice "Ryker" and "Macha Hernandez" have become "Riker" and "Tasha Yar". I wonder if that's true for all scripts fro now on or if this is just a script that was pitched late in the process.
     
  4. bbailey861

    bbailey861 Admiral Premium Member

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    Thanks for this great thread. This some great information. I had not heard of this book before, but thanks to this, I looked around and just found one online though Amazon. Delivered for $6.00. Bonus. Looking forward to getting it and reading it.
     
  5. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    I agree. :) These things didn't seem to get explained in the episode, even though the 'bright white light' thing was actually carried over into production.

    Good catch about the smaller ship, I too wonder if it might be a carry-over from the original conception? The idea of the Enterprise pursuing a small ship and ending up being confronted by a big one reads a little like 'The Corbomite Maneuver', but it still would have helped establish some much-needed sense of the Ferengi as a military culture/threat.

    :techman: It's a fascinating book, definitely worth the investment. :)

    Yeah, the way the book presents these is with the Riker/Tasha etc affixes, so my assumption is that they'd nail down the names by the time these stories went into outline. Some later story outlines, like the outline draft of what eventually became "Haven", revert back to using the name Mascha Hernadez, so could have been written earlier.

    (Of course, Altman and Gross could simply be changing the names for convenience sake, but I'm working from the assumption that they're transcribing the story outlines accurately.)

    One thing we may also observe is the complete absence of Worf in any of the outlines so far. This is because Michael Dorn was a late addition to the cast of the pilot episode, intended in fact to only be a semi-regular background character, and that he was only added to subsequent episodes in an 'ad hoc' fashion after the decision was made to retain him as a regular thanks to Dorn's striking performance in "Farpoint". The first story outline from the book that makes any mention of Worf at all is "Lonely Among Us" (presumably having been written after production was already in full swing and Worf was a confirmed part of the cast).
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2015
  6. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    (Original source: "Creating The Next Generation" by Edward Gross and Mark A. Altman, Boxtree Publishing 1994, ISBN 0-7522-0843-8.)

    5. "WHERE NONE HAVE GONE BEFORE"


    Plot Summary:

    This original draft outline is dated Feb 17th, 1987.

    The Enterprise is preparing to test a new subspace drive, the work of Peter Kosinski. Kosinski's work involves the artificial creation of wormholes, with the theory being that ships could travel larger distances in shorter spaces of time by flying through such phenomena. Riker and Picard have a discussion about the possibilities; Riker being enthused about the chance to open up the entire galaxy for exploration, while Picard muses that perhaps they may find the answer to the ultimate question of all, how the universe truly began.

    Kosinski's device is fired up, and the Enterprise travels through a wormhole and exits at "the galactic core, a multi-colored tightly-packed aggregation of millions of stars [...] It's like being in a sea of jewels".

    As the crew celebrate the success of Kosinski's wormhole drive, it soon turns sour as they come to the realisation that the ship is no longer responding to their commands. Data confirms that it appears the gravitation at the galactic core has thrown all ship's sensors completely off the scale.

    Bad news turns to even worse as it is revealed that the explosion of one of the nearby stars is sending a shockwave of radiation towards Enterprise. The only way to escape is to activate Kosinski's device without ploting a new course (with the shockwave set to hit Enterprise in ten minutes, they don't have time to waste). They do this, and avoid destruction, but as they emerge from this second wormhole, reports come in from all over the ship of the crew suffering from strangeness. Riker tells the captain that he feels like he's suffering 'a nightmare that is hedging around the outskirts of my memory, but refuses to make itself clear'. Riker also gets a sharp pain in his arm, and examination reveals bite-marks. Similar reports come in from all over the ship, people suffering from bruises and contusions they have no idea how they got.

    The second wormhole seems to have thrown them completely outside the realms of galactic space, and the viewscreen shows them looking down on the whole galaxy. Riker suggests looking for recognisable pulsars, perhaps they might be able to find some faint glimmer of recognition from which they can start to triangulate a course home. Deanna reports that the 'background noise' she usually experiences from the many sentient beings in the galaxy around her has become entirely silent (aside from those on the ship itself). It appears that, whereever they are, they are now alone.

    Beverly is giving the entire crew innoculations of potassium, as it has been determined that the two trips have significantly reduced levels of this mineral in the bodies of the crew. Everybody begins to feel more and more sick, with Data being the only life-form aboard unaffected. The crew begin to suffer hallucinations, and outbreaks of paranoia and conflict begin to occur. In engineering, Picard tells Kosinski that he may have to unhook his drive. Upon returning to the bridge, Picard and Kosinski are informed that there are no recognisable pulsars. The ship has ended up in another galaxy entirely, and there is no way they'll ever be able to set a course home from here.

    The hallucinations among the crew continue to intensify. Picard himself has a vivid hallucination where he sees the lifeless body of Jack Crusher. He immediately goes to sickbay to confess this strange occurance to Beverly, in the process of which all the feelings of grief from long ago come back to the surface for both of them. The memories of other events are being triggered in the crew: Riker finally recalls the teethmarks in relation to a time when he once got bitten by a Draconian sand cat, an event that led to severe hospitalisation when he was young.

    Unable to plot a manual course, and with no other options available to them, Picard orders that Kosinski's drive be reactivated and they attempt another random jump. During this third journey, the hallucinations become even more vivid. Beverly and Picard find themselves on the ruined deck of the Stargazer, the captain holding Jack's body crumpled in his arms. Tasha hallucinates being back on her failed colony world evading rape gangs. Riker has an encounter with the Sand Cat.

    Finally the ship emerges somewhere that is described as a 'fuzzy blot'. The crew are in a state of major illness by this stage, but are still soldiering on. Kosinski's device is buckling against the Enterprise's own warp engines, which are decoupling from it. It is theorised that they might only be able to make one last trip.

    They take the chance, and reality itself begins to break apart for our crew. They are now in a reality of 'a blazing inferno of light and shifting colors'. The ship has arrived inside a monobloc, a kind of 'cosmic egg', that might have been the beginning of the universe. Deanna reports feeling an vague outside sentience in her mind again, but it is faint, almost embryonic. One idea that formulates is to somehow harness the energy of the monobloc to power the engines, but Kosinski warns that, while feasible, it might cause an explosion from the monobloc and the creation of a new universe. He does, however, believe that the resulting explosion might just be enough to 'kick' them all back into their own home reality and space-time.

    The plan is put into action, and the result is exactly as Kosinski predicted. The Enterprise is thrown back to their own reality, and their own space, while creating a second universe in their wake. With the crew beginning their recovery from sickness, Picard muses that they did discover the origins of the universe. Riker muses on this, observing that the Enterprise herself is the 'Creator' of the new universe, the ship has become a God. The conversation falls silent, until Data reports that ship's chonometers show they've been away from their own universe for six days. Not missing the irony of the situation, Picard says, "I think we should take the seventh day off."


    How It Differs From The Broadcast Version: The fundamentals are there: a character named Kosinski, the Enterprise engaging in bizarre warp experiments that propel them into unknown quarters of the galaxy, and the crew experiencing hallucinations. Where it differs is that the original outline described above has got a much more philosophical streak. The story opens with Picard and Riker discussing the creation of the universe, and ends with the creation of a brand new one (presumably running parallel to our own), with the Enterprise and her crew, effectively, elevated to 'the Creator' of said universe. Some of the hallucinations are decpicted as much harsher as well, and the Picard/Beverly/Jack/Stargazer backstory is ellaborated on (it was removed completely from the finished version, although shades of it were carried over to "The Battle" instead). Perhaps the MAJOR difference between the above outline and the finished episode is an obvious one: no mysterious being known only as 'Traveller'. Kosinski is portrayed here as a brilliant engineer, perhaps much older than his counterpart in the eventual episode, but he is alone. In the finished version of "Where None Have Gone Before", of course, Kosinski has got the Traveller as his 'assistant', and Kosinski himself is utterly ineffectual (it's the mysterious Traveller who is the real source behind the improvement of the warp field). Subsequent drafts, while still not adding the Traveller, would add further details to Kosinski himself, including that he went the academy with Picard and is an old friend of the Captain. The Traveller was an late addition by Gene Roddenberry, so your perception of whether the story (as broadcast) benefits from the Traveller's presence or not is down to Gene's re-write. ;) Of course, another key factor is Wesley Crusher: he has no apparent role whatsoever in the above story outline, but the finished episode, as re-written by GR, comes across as Wesley's episode front and center.....


    NEXT: "LONELY AMONG US"
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2015
  7. Orphalesion

    Orphalesion Commodore Commodore

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    Oh man this original script is beautiful :luvlove:
    I am aware that "what if" scenarios often sound more beautiful simply on account of being unobtainable, but this has so many nice visuals: the "sea of jewels" in the Galactic Core (very similar to how it was portrayed in an old X-Men comic released, I think, around the same time) the view of the strange galaxy (instead of the proto star from the epiode) and the "creation of a new universe" in the end. I don't think that would have constituted just another "parallel universe" it sounds to me it works on the theory that there are many universes "out there" beyond the expansion of our universe in some sort of "inter-universial space" so the Enterprise here really, REALLY went where no one has gone before, outside the current expansion of our very universe!
    It's also a pity that the Picard/Beverly/Jack back story was cut out of so many episodes, it seems it would have given the characters more depth early on.

    Man Roddenberry really took a giant dump on this script and then wiped his arse with the "written by" page. He made what could have been a beautiful, philosophic episode into yet another episode of "the Adventures of Wesley Crusher, Boy Genius."
    It just came to me; why did they even change "Macha's" ethnicity, as far as I know there are blonde people in South America, just like there are dark haired ones in the Ukraine (that was Taha's final ethnicity, wasn't it?). There would have been nothing in the way of keeping her Hispanic.
     
  8. Maurice

    Maurice Fact Trekker Premium Member

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    As if being lost wasn't enough, the crew has to be sick? That doesn't add anything to the story. The character stuff sounds interesting enough.

    Like him or not, the Traveler solves the "how come they never reuse that tech?" question that the original story would have raised. Since he goes away, so does this galaxy jumping ability.

    Not to say the script for the aired episode is any good. ;)
     
  9. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    I think there's some strong material in the original draft outline, but one concern I have is I'm not sure how achievable it all would have been on a TV budget. As it is, "Where No One Has Gone Before" (a slight title change from the draft) already has some of the most expensive opticals in TNG's first season, and the original outline is actually even more ambitious than the broadcast version, so I can imagine there was a need to scale it down in the first place. ;)

    I do tend to agree, Maurice, that the Traveller at least provides an excuse for why the plot can never be replicated. In the original draft, for better or worse, Kosinski's wormhole theory is proven right, so we are left to ponder why more experimentation in this area is not ongoing. Although the crew getting ill is probably the set-back...

    Orphalesion, the lack of Wesley Crusher in the original outline is something of a mixed blessing. But it's (mostly) very welcome. :lol:
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2015
  10. Dukhat

    Dukhat Vice Admiral Admiral

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    "WNMHGB" was based on Diane Duane's novel "The Wounded Sky."

    http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/The_Wounded_Sky

    Duane's novel is inherently superior to WNMHGB, but the above outline is also inherently superior to the broadcast version. The more I read these, the more I realize that I really dislike the character of Wesley Crusher.
     
  11. Orphalesion

    Orphalesion Commodore Commodore

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    ^ Thanks, Dukaht! I'm always on the look out for interesting books to read!

    Yeah I agree with that, at the very least they would have needed two brand new matte paintings for the Galactic Core and the Strange Galaxy, as well as heaps of effects for the birth of the universe. Man I wish this would have been the basis of a movie instead of Generations or Insurrection.
     
  12. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    (Original source: "Creating The Next Generation" by Edward Gross and Mark A. Altman, Boxtree Publishing 1994, ISBN 0-7522-0843-8.)

    6. "LONELY AMONG US"


    Plot Summary:

    This original draft outline is dated May 26th, 1987. It is credited to Michael Halperin.

    The Enterprise is at emergency stations. The dilithium crystals are suffering decay due to a defect in their original structure. The ship sets course for Capella V, the nearest place where repairs of this nature can take place. It is 72 hours away, and there are some genuine fears the ship may not even have enough power to make that journey.

    En route, they discover what is described as a 'flickering tree-like structure' in a cloud. Worf suggests stopping to study the creature, and Picard says he agrees as long as they do not waste too long given the urgency of their situation. A photon torpedo is fired into the cloud, the belief being that the sensors aboard the torpedo will give them some readings of the radiation contained therein after it explodes. Deanna observes that the tree-like structure on the view-screen resembles a symbol of Betazoid philosophy, and she and Riker share a tender moment, although Riker ultimately pulls back.

    Geordi LaForge and one of the engineers take the opportunity while the Enterprise is stationary to go out in a shuttle to repair the tractor beam, which has jammed in an open position. Once out there the other crewman (let's just call him 'Red Shirt'), who is tied to the shuttle via a line and making the repairs outside the ship, is struck by some sort of alien energy from the cloud, seperating him from the shuttle. Geordi acts fast to pilot the shuttle around and rescue him. Mister Red Shirt suffers some sort of PTSD from the affair, with Deanna diagnosing that he is like a 'frightened child'. Tasha Yar escorts Red Shirt to the 'High Security Sick Bay', but a 'mild electric charge' passes between them.

    As Picard orders further investigation into Red Shirt's condition, Geordi and Wesley are in the ship's gym doing a workout. Elsewhere in the room, Tasha Yar is teaching a self-defence class to some of the ship's civilians. She suddenly suffers from a severe episode of anger, and almost kills one of the people she is demonstrating a hold on, only being restrained by Geordi and Wes. She seems to snap out of it, unable to explain what happened.

    Tasha is brought to the sick bay as well for an examination. Deanna can find nothing in Red Shirt's history to indicate that he's had psychotic tendencies, but she does diagnose Tasha with 'needing some time off'. Tasha is relieved of duty. Deanna does come to the conclusion that there might be a alien virus aboard the ship, making direct reference to it having happened before (in "The Naked Now").

    On the bridge, as Picard orders Beverly to investigate the possibility of a virus, Data declares that the cloud is emmiting a tremendous field of gravity. As she conducts tests in sickbay, Beverly too picks up the entity/virus/whatever. Wes discusses Tasha's situation with his mom, through which he too contracts the entity. Elsewhere, we see Red Shirt walking the halls of the ship, seeming to be studying everything. During a chess game between them, Data observes that Wesley is asking many probing questions about the Federation and Starfleet. It would appear that the entity in space hasn't so much 'infected' the crew as it is using their bodies as probes to increase it's knowledge of them.

    By this time the ship is en route again to Capella V, and Data has been similarly 'infected'. He goes crazy on the bridge, and must be restrained by Worf, who then attracts the 'virus'. Deanna is insistent that something is affecting the crew, and that in several instances she is detecting "two" people instead of one. Picard is dubious of this. Why would any stowaway take so long to make their intentions known? Beverly has also not reported any medical concerns. Nevertheless, the captain does take Deanna's recommendations on board. Riker later visits the counsellor, apologising for pulling away earlier and stating it never feels like the right time for them. During this exchange they finally make love. But Riker is not Riker: he's been taken by the entity.

    Back on the bridge, Data reports that the ship's contol interface seem to be in decay, perhaps as a result of the problems with the dilithium crystals. Riker arrives and orders a course back to the cloud, which Data immediately initiates at warp nine. Picard demands answers, Troi replies that Riker is under the control of the entity, and the ship returns to the cloud. But Deanna knows the entity has experienced something that it never has before: love. Riker!Entity admits the emotion is confusing, and Picard attempts to reason with the creature, arguing that perhaps they can learn about each other.

    The entity leaves Riker and uses the holodeck to create a facsimilie of it's home, 'a galaxy sized crystaline stucture of enormous beauty', and explains that it must return. It needs the Enterprise to make the journey, otherwise it will simply perish. Picard argues that the life of one entity can not be worth the sacrifice of thousands; the entity counters that it was the Enterprise that disturbed it by firing a photon torpedo into the cloud in the first place. Picard acquieses that he does have a responsibility for getting the entity home, but also that he has a responsibility for those aboard the ship. He needs a third option, and he gets one: a plan is formulated to use the 'sling-shot effect' to propel the entity back into it's own universe. The entity thanks Picard for his compassion, and says it will share the accumilated knowledge of all it's inhabitants with humanity.


    How It Differs From The Broadcast Version: The 'invading entity' does not pass from one person to another individually, but rather "takes over" each member of the crew ala a 'Body Snatchers' type scenario (once it leaves one person and moves to another, the previous host remains "infected"). And the invading force is analogised to being something like a virus spreading through the Enterprise crew, taking them one-by-one. Instead of passing through a particular area of space, the Enterprise actively creates the situation (via their photon torpedo) whereupon the entity invades the ship. The invading entity comes instead from something that (on paper) sounds suspiciously like what we would eventually see visualised as the Crystaline Entity, with the cloud merely being a sort of 'gateway' to the reality the entity came from. The subplot in the broadcast version, of the visiting alien diplomats, is missing entirely. The 'slingshot effect' (from TOS "Tommorow Is Yesterday" and Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home) is employed to resolve the plot. The Riker/Troi "love story" is much more pronounced in this early draft.


    My Take: On this occasion it was Dorothy Fontana who re-wrote the story, feeling that Halperin's original outline had some intriguing ideas but was a bit of a mess overall. And to be entirely honest, I agree with her. Many of the above sequences fail the logic test, and some of them don't even seem to correlate at all with the scenes that surround them. Firing a probe into the cloud makes sense, firing a photon torpedo doesn't, except that the latter gives the entity reason to question the Enterprise crew's motivations. The tractor beam being stuck is an awfully convenient way to put the crew in the line of the invading entity; the broadcast version's way of doing the same is mundane but more plausible. The extent to which the dilithium crystals are breaking up (yet another over-used Trek cliche), and the urgency of their needing to get to Capella V as soon as possible, seems to vary from scene to scene for no logical reason. And the bits where the Riker/Troi romance gets rekindled are interweaved into the story with seemingly no thought as to how it all fits into the plot, aside from providing an excuse for the entity to feel "love" via an ill-advised sex scene. Frankly, the broadcast version of this episode is better, even though it still exhibits some bizarre holes in the plot. On the whole, the broadcast version is simply much more coherant. NOTE: This is the first episode outline to feature Worf in any substantial way, indicating that it was a fairly late outline compared to some of the others, which were clearly written before Worf's addition to the cast. He's not terribly well used here IMO, but it's nice to see him anyway. ;)


    NEXT: "JUSTICE"
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2015
  13. WarpFactorZ

    WarpFactorZ Commodore Commodore

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    Interesting that Worf was such a late addition, considering I thought the peace treaty with the Klingons was central to TNG (of course, it still could have been, but having one in Starfleet makes a huge difference).
     
  14. Orphalesion

    Orphalesion Commodore Commodore

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    So... the first version of the Crystalline Entity was friendly? Interesting.

    While I'm a bit annoyed that the tidbit about the structure resembling something from Betazoid myth was removed, I have to agree that here the broadcast version was actually improved.
    Dilithium crystals? I thought it was policy in TNG not to use that scenario anymore (also note, it's not resolve by the end) this is likely why the alien delegate where introduced instead, the "virus" scenario is too close to "The Naked Now" and "The entity thanks Picard for his compassion, and says it will share the accumilated knowledge of all it's inhabitants with humanity." something about that sounds incredibly goofy and makes me want to call out "sharing ALL the knowledge!"
    Also the ending where Deanna teaches the entity about love is very TOS you could substitute Troi and Riker with Chapel and Spock here and nobody would notice.
     
  15. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    Worf was a very late addition to the cast. :)

    Gene Roddenberry liked the concept of peace with the Klingons, but was reluctant to feature one in the main cast (for the same reason he was reluctant to feature Vulcans or Romulans). Nevertheless, Rick Berman, Bob Justman and Dorothy Fontana all pushed for a 'Klingon Marine' character.

    Actor Michael Dorn was initially cast with the intention of being a 'day player' (ie. a minor semi-regular to be seen in the background but not be the focus of episodes), and for this reason there are early pre-production publicity photos of the 'full' cast without Worf being present. However, during the shoot for the pilot episode, Roddenberry was reportedly impressed enough by Dorn's performance on the set, that his contract was renegotiated to place him in the main cast instead.

    "Lonely Among Us" was the first of these draft outlines to be written after Worf was added to the mix (all the earlier ones didn't feature Worf, because Worf wasn't a part of the show's character breakdown at the time they were written). This says something for how late "Lonely Among Us" was written compared to other story outlines.

    Worf really was the "rags to riches" success story of the TNG era. He went from being a minor character intended to be of very little importance, to being a regular character around whom some of the most successful plots were written, to appearing in various spin-off appearances (as a court official in STVI, as Worf again in DS9)... all of that based on Dorn's impressive performance on the set of the pilot. :klingon: ;)
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2015
  16. Dukhat

    Dukhat Vice Admiral Admiral

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    This wasn't the Crystalline entity from "Datalore," but rather the energy being from "Lonely Among Us."
     
  17. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    True. The way it's described in the Gross/Altman book is however suspiciously close to the eventual visualisation of the Crystalline Entity (and baring in mind that the outline draft of "Datalore" doesn't even have the entity in it... nor, for that matter, Lore. ;))
     
  18. Mark 2000

    Mark 2000 Captain Captain

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    I would say the Lonely Among Us draft does suffer from too many backstory revealing illnesses in the first season and too grandiose an ending. The enterprise creates a universe from an egg that has a sense of intelligence in it? Um, a bit much for a program in its first season.
     
  19. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    ^ "Where None Have Gone Before", not "Lonely Among Us". :)
     
  20. Lance

    Lance Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    (Original source: "Creating The Next Generation" by Edward Gross and Mark A. Altman, Boxtree Publishing 1994, ISBN 0-7522-0843-8.)

    7. "JUSTICE"


    Plot Summary:

    This original draft outline, written by the first TOS story editor John D.F. Black, is dated Jan 5th, 1987.

    Deanna Troi and Beverly Crusher make a professional recommendation to the captain that the families aboard the ship need shore-leave, a Class M planet where they can experience '[non-simulated] wind and rain, trees that house real bird's nests, and where a child's hands can be soiled by real dirt and not a manufactured biochemical compound'.

    The Enterprise is assessing Llarof, a planet practicing a form of pure Greek democracy. It had been established by Kirk's Enterprise 150 years ago. The last time any Starfleet ship had contact with the planet was 80 years ago, but there has been nothing since then. Picard replies that if Llarof turns out okay then maybe it could serve the purpose of a shore leave planet.

    Llarof has a dense population in a city-state, but exhibits seemingly no ability to make contact with the ship (all hails remain unanswered). Riker advises caution, saying his away team (consisting of himself, Data, Geordi and Troi) should be conscious not to 'frighten the natives'. After they beam down, they discover a long line of people. They discover these people are eager to apply for three vacant police officer jobs. Troi reports she is sensing an overwealming feeling of 'fear', something which Geordi confirms via his VISOR (being able to see the emotional state via tell-tale body signs). Riker elects to split the team in half and see if they can discover more.

    While Data and Geordi go one direction, Riker and Troi are stopped a little way down the street by an officer who parks his car nearby. He asks them why they are walking, and it is pointed out that everybody else around them is jogging. Troi adlibs that she has broken her ankle and can not run. The officer accepts this, but before he leaves he warns them to make sure they stay to the right hand side of the pavement as the law demands, and says they are lucky this isn't 'The Day'. Riker and Troi are, naturally, baffled by this exchange. Elsewhere, Data and Geordi encounter a couple of youngsters on a stolen motorcycle. They are unrepentant, saying they don't care because 'it isn't The Day'. Nevertheless they run away, leaving the motorcycle which fascinates Data.

    Back on the ship, the away team report what they encountered. The Enterprise sensors have located the center of the government for Llarof. The evidence points towards the planet still being under a regime operating along the lines of 'Demos'; pure democracy. Mascha (arriving on her duty shift) is surprised to find they are in orbit around Llarof, and advises supreme caution, as Llarof was involved in supplying weapons to renegades on her own home planet 80 years ago, although she says her planet too lost contact with Llarof at around this time.

    The Enterprise crew finally establish contact with the Chief Executive of Llarof, Trebor. Beaming down, Riker and Mascha are escorted into his office by armed guards, where they meet with him and his assistant, Reneg. Trebor is estatic to be meeting people from the USS Enterprise, talking extensively about Kirk's role in the foundation of their constitution. Probing further into Llarof's history, the two officers discover that the planet had a major outbreak of terrorism about 80 years ago, but in an referendum it was decided to impose a major law and order regime to stamp down on this scourge. The result is a planet which believes in unequivocal justice, 'firm and immediate and chance'. Riker and Mascha find this correlation between justice and 'chance' odd. Trebor and Reneg express an interest in seeing the Enterprise, having never been aboard a starship before (the planet outlawed space craft 80 years ago as a measure of their justice). A banquet is arranged on the ship.

    Later, the banquet is taking place (we are told that this features the away team, plus Beverly and her daughter Leslie). Mascha politely asks again about what was meant by 'chance'. Reneg says at a random time each day, a computer selects an area of the planet, and during this period (which is refered to as 'The Day'), the death penalty is applied to any crime of any description. During 'The Day', the local police have got absolute powers when it comes to determining whether something is a crime or not, and are able to issue immediate death sentences. If, for example, a car was found to be speeding inside the zone in which 'The Day' is currently taking place, then not only would the driver be handed a death sentence, but so would any passengers, as co-conspiritors. Any area not currently under 'The Day' instead uses normal laws and normal police powers. This whole conversation naturally disturbs the Enterprise crew. Nevertheless, Trebor admits pride for the success of their harsh measures, and invites Picard to allow his civilians to spend shore leave on Llarof. Mascha blows a fuse, declaring angrily that they will not let their children beam down to a planet where they could be shot on sight for throwing a piece of paper on the ground. In an attempt to calm her, Trebor claims that for the benefit of the Enterprise crew the area they choose to visit will be made exempt from 'chance' selection by the planet's computer. After the banquet is over and Trebor and Reneg have gone, the crew turn to Picard and immediately start asking questions about how they're going to fix Llarof. Picard is taken aback: he responds that they have no right whatsoever to interfere in Llarof's system of government, citing the Prime Directive. Further to this, he does say that if the crew or the civilian population wish to partake in Trebor's offer for shore leave, then he will not stand in their way.

    Some families do beam down and enjoy the benefits of the planet's countryside. Riker further probes Trebor about the justice system, the Enterprise's sensors have found that the planet's prisons have a capacity for 19,000 people, and yet the prison with the highest capacity is a mere 12 people. Riker attributes this discrepency to the harsh 'instant death' penalty, but is diplomatic enough not to come out and say that. Trebor says that the 12 people are in fact guards at the prison, and he admits that while the prisons are usually full, when the computer randomly chooses the sector where the prisons are, the prisoners are all dutifully executed for their crimes.

    Elsewhere, an Enterprise security officer named Tenson has observed a dispute between four of the native population and a group of police officers who were chasing them. He seeks advice on what to do, but is told not to interfere. No sooner he says this and the native group and a couple of the Enterprise children are intermingled, and despite Tenson's pleas that they are from the Enterprise and are immune, one of the police officers, Siwel, declares them guilty and executes Tenson on the spot. Another of the Llarof police officers, Oitap, is outraged at Siwel's actions, and protests loudly that the Enterprise crew are supposed to be immune. Siwel, apparently shocked at having commited a crime himself, orders Oitap to perform his own civic duty and execute him, which Oitap reluctantly does.

    Back in Trebor's office, he is informed of what has taken place, and breaks the news to Riker of Tenson's death, declaring his sorrow for such a 'tragic accident'. He says Siwel has been executed for commiting murder on Tenson, but Riker requests to speak to Oitap and find out exactly what happened for himself. While the families and other Enterprise personel beam back aboard in the wake of Tenson's killing, Oitap has gone AWOL: he isn't answering his communication device.

    Picard decides to beam down and personally attend to the recovery of Tenson's body. Trebor is reluctant to put another Enterprise officer directly in danger, but ultimately agrees, putting the entire area where Picard lands on 'Day' status for the captain's protection, while saying that Picard himself will be immune to this. Picard and an honor guard see to the removal of Tenson's body. Watching nearby are a group of overzealous police officers, who express their dismay that these visitors are being given special treatment in being allowed to do as they wish during 'The Day'.

    While Tenson is given a funeral service aboard ship, Oitap is wracked with feelings of remorse over what he has done, and contacts Reneg. Riker hears the man's story sympathetically, but it is clear that Oitap is somewhere on the verge of a nervous breakdown, unable to come to terms with the conflict inherent in the planet's laws. On the Enterprise, Mascha is insistent that Tenson's death changes things and now they should act to overthrow this ridiculous regime; but Picard shoots down the suggestion, saying the Prime Directive is still in effect.

    Riker learns more about Llarof: it turns out the planet has actually created further contradictions in its society, as its laws have gotten snarled over time. Certain skilled classes (doctors, scientists, engineers, etc) were given immune status from the law, as it was felt that the society could not afford to lose such people on the whim of the random computer program. Likewise, politicians also gave themselves immune status by mandate, and the practice of elections was abolished, leading to an almost hereditary political class (immunity being handed down from generation to generation; creating something effectively less like representative democracy and more like royalty). Riker is baffled by these contradictions, given that Llarof was established along democratic lines. Reneg admits privately that the general populace fears the government, and that most families have been subject to a death in their clan, feeding into a general disquiet about the system... but everybody fears standing up and changing things. Riker begins to see where this is going, and asks Reneg directly if he's expecting the Enterprise to intervene on their behalf, just as a previous Enterprise once did, and explains that the Prime Directive prohibits interference. Reneg says he expects no intervention, but that he is a part of a plan to change things. Riker, having firmly said the Enterprise will not help them, wishes Reneg luck, and beams back to the ship.

    However, once aboard, Riker reports all of this to Picard, and admits that he fears for Reneg's safety. He then actually requests permission to get involved, a notion backed up by Mascha Hernadez, but Picard again denies him. After this, when reports start to come in of apparent fighting on the planet, agitating both Riker and Mascha into again demanding action, Picard turns to them and quotes a paragraph from the Prime Directive: "'A starship captain has the lattitude to decide that observation of an election procedure is necessary to assure it is fairly held.' Since there is no apparent opposition party on Llarof, then Reneg, commited to elections, can be considered to be campaigning". Riker begins to grasp what Picard is saying: a loophole in the Prime Directive would allow Riker and Mascha to beam down as "observers" to events that are already unfolding on the planet.

    An away team consisting of Riker, Mascha, Geordi and Data arrive in Llarof's computer center, where Reneg and his supporters are already storming the fortress. Meeting up with them, Reneg admits to Riker than he is not a fighter, to which Riker offers to help "quiet the situation" (again, the words are important; Riker is towing the line between upholding his obligations to the Prime Directive without actually instigating events). As fighting flares up, a group of pro-government forces are then disarmed by the Enterprise crew. Leaving Data to guard them, the rest of the away team work their way through the complex, further disarming several government forces as they go. On arrival back at the computer room, they find Reneg missing. Data says he has gone to confront Trebor directly.

    In the planet's "oval office", Riker finds Reneg being held captive by Trebor, a gun placed at Reneg's head. Trebor is outraged, shouting, saying that the Enterprise has destroyed their "natural" system of government. During the confrontation Trebor turns the gun on Riker, and Reneg acts swiftly to try and disarm the planet's former leader, but this fails, as the weapon discharges, injuring Reneg. Riker acts on instinct and rushes Trebor, knocking the man down in a fist-fight. As Beverly is called and beams down to attend injuries, Reneg gasps "I am not dying..... I will not let myself die now. Not until it is over."

    We fade to a few days later, and things are settling down. Fully democratic elections have resumed on the planet, with five candidates putting themselves up as new leader (two women and three men). Reneg is one of the men, but nevertheless the people are to decide by vote. Reneg's platform is one of 'justice for all, one-person-one-vote'. Picard is amused by this: "His opponents are calling him a pacifist, a liberal conservative. It sounds like home to me, Number One."


    How It Differs From The Broadcast Version: Boy oh boy. Basically, everything is different, except for the basic premise of a planet where specific zones have crimes that warrant the death penalty. ;) In the broadcast version of "Justice", the planet Edo is a world of barely clothed, (mostly) blonde-haired men and women who live an apparently peaceful existence, 'Having Sex At The Drop Of A Hat', but with a nasty undercurrent that there is only one penalty for even the most minor of infractions: death, as poor Wesley Crusher learns when he tramples over a flower bed. :guffaw: The original outline doesn't feature Wesley at all (his role in the story is basically taken by the security officer Tenson, although Tenson's death is immediate), but the crucial difference is that the planet Llarof is a world ruled by a government and laws, created in strict adherence to Greek Democracy and kind of filtered down over successive generations into a much more brutal, dystopian outlook. This is a critical difference: the broadcast episode has the Edo as essentially clueless about all of this, their laws given to them by a space-faring alien entity that keeps watch over them; whereas in the draft outline, Llarof's laws are entirely of it's own making. Ironically, John Black's version revolves around the Prime Directive, looking at the ways a starship might intervene in events without actually taking a direct role in the planet's development; whereas the broadcast version (credited to Worley Thorne) instead brings up the Prime Directive only in relation to Picard having to deal with Wesley's apparent breach of it (and even then, it is washed over by the conclusion, which sees the captain apparently willingly breaking the Directive when he brings one of the Edo aboard the Enterprise!)


    My Take: John D.F. Black's version of "Justice" was much more bleak than the broadcast episode. Whereas the finished version has got Gene Roddenberry's dabs all over it (despite being credited primarily to Worley Thorne), with its preoccupation with a sex obsessed planet and the ham-fisted 'God debate' ending, Black's original version does not play for a light-hearted tone *at all*. Black's story explores strong concepts about the extent to which a government could go to extract liberties in exchange for a crime-free society, and explores in a mature way the contradictions of a democractic society giving away it's social liberties so freely. On a negative note, however, I do think Black's outline perhaps errs too close at times to both the tone in the TOS episodes "A Taste Of Armageddon" (where a society has become desensitised to their true cruelty and barbarism, because their method of dealing with a bad situation is much cleaner than traditional blood-soaked 'boots on the ground'), and also especially to "Return of the Archons" (where a planet controlled by a computer has imposed a regime of totalitarianism as a method of controlling broader issues of law and order; the populace willingly living in an enviroment with very little personal freedoms because it means 'the greater good' of a community that doesn't suffer from societal decay). I note those similarites, but I don't think by any means it would have taken away from the raw power of Black's original outline for "Justice". On another observation, I do think the writing team falling back on visiting yet another planet where Kirk is a figure of legend is a trope that would have gotten old WAY quickly for TNG (really, looking at some of these early drafts one wonders if the by-line for the series was apparently going to have been 'To Boldly Go Where Captain Kirk Has Already Been Before' ;)). However, I do actually think Black's premise of applying post-modernism to a standard TOS setup wasn't badly executed here. I kind of like the idea of revisiting one of those many planets that Kirk previously interfered on, and seeing how his end-of-episode 'Kirk Summation' has become re-interpreted over successive generations. Its actually a pretty interesting premise. Reading Black's outline, one can almost visualise a (non-existant) TOS episode, where Kirk took Llarof's original leaders aside and declared solemnly, "DEMOCRACY... from the Greek 'DEMOS', gentlemen... is... THE, most powerfultoolofALL", before beaming up to the ship and warping off. :D It would be remise of me if I didn't mention that there is a HUGE logic problem in John Black's version of the story: despite having already learned what they've learned about Llarof, Picard authorises shore leave on the planet anyway, which is what leads to Tenson's death and the kick-starting of the plot..... in any realistic situation, no Starfleet captain should have allowed that to happen in the first place, there was enough evidence to suggest the danger beforehand. But to be fair, the broadcast version of "Justice" is hardly any less logical in that regard... :p


    EDITOR'S NOTE: 'Creating The Next Generation' actually contains summaries of not one, but five seperate drafts of "Justice", the first two of them by John Black, and the remainder by Worley Thorne, each of them incrementally closer to the version we got in the broadcast episode but also startlingly different as well. For example, Black's second draft features Wesley more prominantly in the planet storyline for the first time, and changes the ending so that Reneg is executed by Trebor for crimes against the state (the Enterprise crew unable to intervene due to the Prime Directive). Meanwhile, it is Worley Thorne's drafts that rename the planet 'Edo', although the population's occupation with sex didn't come until the final teleplay. Each of them is fascinating in their own right, but I don't propose to summarise all five versions here myself: my aim is to show the earliest possible draft of each story (as a kind of 'beginning stages' summary). I do recommend picking up the Gross/Altman book if you can get your hands on it though, as it is all very interesting stuff. :techman:


    NEXT: "THE BATTLE"
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2015