Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #561: Report to Engineering

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone!

First up to the plate, we have the "Fashionfleet" Award, going to @Leviathan for:

Geordi (muttering): standard uniform code my ass...


Next, we have the "Sticky Situations" Award, going to @Mutai Sho-Rin for:

Worf will never live down the day he super-glued his hand to his communicator.



Next, we have the "*Sigh* I miss President Bartlett" Award, going to @Mr Soak

The West Wing walk-and-talk - you're doing it wrong.



Next, we have the "What else would you use a tricorder for?" Award, going to @Nerys Myk for:

GEORDI: Oh, great. More pictures of his damn cat. Pretend to be interested...pretend to be interested.



Next, we have the "How do you defend against that?" Award going to @ThankQ for:

Crusher to Bridge: Intruder alert. Deck 7, Section 4. There's an albino going on about spores and being lost in the mycelial network.

Two Captain's Log Awards!

@Finn:

Chief Medical Officer's Log; I've decided on doing a Toy Story broadway production for next month's play. However, I seem to be unable to locate the Captain or rest of the senior staff.



@shivkala:

Worf: Security Chief's Log--We need to get rid of these phaser pouches, they decrease our badass rating signifigantly. And these hand phasers are lame, as well. Why can't we get phaser rifles? And who is this dumbass besides me? It would be 10x cooler if it were Riker there than Lt. Noname.

Two KBL's!

@JirinPanthosa:

BEVERLY: Nope, no exciting colors in here either.



@tharpdevenport:

Mr. Woof: "Now remember, ensign, synchronized walking is an important part of moving up in the ranks. Do as I do. Go! Step, step, step. Step, step, step. Step, step, tap. You did not tap your comm badge! UGH. Let us try again..."

 

[LeadHead]

Winners from contest 560:

First, we have the "Read the Fine Print" Award, going to @shivkala for:

Geordi: I'm sorry sir, I do not think our warranty will cover this.

Picard: But we bought it with Federation Express, don't they have a buyer's insurance program or something.

Geordi: They do, but they specifically state they do not cover accidents deemed an "Act of Q."

Picard: Merde.



Next, we have the "Dangerous Spirits" Award, going to @inflatabledalek for:

Data: And that Wesley, is why Romulan ale is banned.


Next, we have the "Many people went there, but speed counts!" Award, going to @Mr Soak for:

Worf: What are you, a Stormtrooper?


Next, we have the "Oh Snap!" Award, going to @JirinPanthosa for:

ENERGY BEING: No, we do not want contact with you primitive beings. You are too primitive, and we are so evolved. See how we are energy and you are solid matter. So primitive. We're just way too cool to hang out with you.
GEORDI: Data, run your trash talk subroutine.
DATA: It would appear that you are in the forcefield, and we are not, and thus you have been beaten by inferior solid beings. Ha ha ha.
ENERGY BEING: ...Shut up.


Next, we have the "And still nothing worth watching, until you're assimilated" Award, going to @Herbert for:

Screen: Welcome to the Borg TV Network (BTN). Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated by our quality programming. Tonight on BTN....
7pm - Borg's Funniest Home Cube Videos
8pm - Flip This Sphere
9pm - House Drones of Cube 177375
10pm - Criminal Hive Minds
11pm - "Late Night" With The Borg Queen, guest host drone 4 of 8, musical guest the newly assimilated 5 of 5 (formerly known as Justin Bieber)
12:30pm - DIY Assimilations (Informercial) Are you a drone cut off from the hive mind and you just have to assimilate someone now? Not a problem. Here's how you do it in three easy steps.

Riker: You're going to have to assimilate me a little harder before I'll watch this crap.



Two Photoshop Awards!

@TrickyDickie:

Data: "We are actually seeing the layering structure of multiple adjacent universes."

Wes: "I'm seeing controversy, dead ahead."



@Nerys Myk:

VOICE IN HIS HEAD: Do it, Riker...push the button. Get rid of the old coot.

Two KBL's!

First, @tharpdevenport for:

Geordi: "And this is all that is left of the shuttle, Captain."

Picard: "What about Wesley?"

Riker: "He survived by beaming out at the last second."

Picard: "DAMN!"



And @Leviathan for:

Data: Captain, the Romulans have deployed an unconvincing explosion effect.
Picard: It's a low budget FX attack! Fire phasers from our torpedo bay, and see if you can get that blob from 'Aquiel' up here.

Many thanks to all who participated and congrats to our winners! And now to spend some time on Deck 36...

 

[LeadHead]

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Okay, niether of us know how to use these engineering consoles. Promote Geordi and make him deal with it.

La Forge: You're a great team, we'll be seeing you a lot!

Duffy: Is that a Borg Cutting beam?

Riker: Data, I know you wish you had your own office, but bringing a popup desk into engineering and doing arts and crafts isn't the way to make that happen.

Data: Why not? Worf has one in Weapons Locker 3.

Worf: I told you that in confidence!

Data: Your aim is off by .07 degrees. You do not unlock the minigame.

Leland T. Lynch: I'm gonna be on this ship for years!

 

[Gepard]

LAFORGE: Tell Captain Picard that limbo nights just got interesting.

 

[Herbert]

Duffy: <looking up> Dude, don't move. O'Brien's spider is right over your head.

 

[Herbert]

Data: Well apparently the Enterprise design team didn't allow for "testing labs" so we're doing this here in engineering. Hopefully, no one accidentally walks into the beam.

 

[Herbert]

Duffy: Hey, what's tha.........

 

[Herbert]

Lynch: I told you, it's a dilithium crystal.
Engineering Assistant: It looks like the Blob
Lynch: For the last time, It's not the Blob dammit!
Engineering Assistant: <thinking> I really hope it's not the Blob.

 

[Mutai Sho-Rin]

According to Morpheus...

 

[JirinPanthosa]

RIKER: *Sigh* This is so much trouble. Next time the ship is taken over, instead of setting the self destruct, let's just surrender.
PICARD: Even if it's something stupid like the Ferengi?
RIKER: Come on, how would our security ever be THAT inept?

BARCALAY: Let's see. Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on?
GEORDI: That just might work!

DATA: I've decided to start decorating myself with stickers.

GEORDI: Hey data, have you ever wondered why, when you fire one of these things it perfectly vaporizes one object, but anything next to it is completely undamaged? What's up with that? How does it know when to stop?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Picard: Number One, you sank my battleship!

Data: Geordi, I cannot understand why you should wish to vaporize Hero Jr.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Picard: "Computer, active Wesley Auto-Destruct Program. Authorization: PicardKittensPassword12345."

Guy in the roof: "PST -- switch placed with Wesley so we can drop this one-thousand-pound strip of gold-pressed Letinum on him."

Data: "sir, it appears ensign Wesley has found and removed the secret tracking beacon."

Picard: "Merde. Oh, well, I guess we'll just have to hunt him down and kill him the old fashioned way."

"Geordi: "Okay, that ought to do it; the beam is now level exactly neck-high on Wesley for optimal decapitation."

Question: How many Starfleet engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: I bet you thought this was going to be another kill Wesley caption!

 

[Steven P Bastien]

Director: Cut! Damn it. Could you guys please look in the direction that is meaningful for this scene? Did even one of you read the script notes? It says "look towards the camera". Only LeVar got it right, and I suspect that was just blind luck.

Riker: Data, now that Worf is here, would you please repeat the reason you want to experiment with putting on lipstick?
Data: Yes commander. Ever since the installation of my emotion chip, I have had the feeling that I am a female android trapped in a male android body.

Data: Yes Geordi, I do hear your voice audio transmitted over the laser beam. However, I fail to understand how this is better than using communicators.
Geordi: Data, don't rain on my parade. Didn't you ever talk using two cans and string when you were a boy?
Data: Geordi, you know that I was never a boy.

 

[TribbleFeeder]

Yayyy new contest!

Picard: This ancient Earth game of foosball is incredibly foolish. I am astounded that Riker would allocate federation funds on such a vile machine.
Riker: You’re just mad because you’re losing

Geordi: Engineering log, supplemental. We had believed an Engineering dance party would be a fun way to boost morale, until we realized that we currently have no female engineers...and Wesley was invited. This was indeed a failure on par with the Kobiyoshi Maru.

Riker: I see that you’ve discovered the replicator makes peanut M&M’s?
Data: A wonderful creation...I believe I am experiencing an emotion coming on.

Data: Geordi, I am glad you have finally decided to test the phaser arrays for our miniature Enterprise colony. But may I ask, why is there a “Barbie” on board?
Geordi: Maybe real Geordi can’t find a woman, but action Geordi sure can!

(Lynch, in thought: Of all the things I could be assigned to on the ship, I wouldn’t think instructing baking class would be one of them.)
Lynch Aloud: KNEAD, MEN! KNEAD!! PUT SOME ELBOW INTO IT!

 

[Jedman67]

WESLEY: Ace of clubs
COSTA: Fold. Dammit!
MEYERS: Straight.
DUFFY: Straight Flush, my win.
BARCLAY: Uh oh, here comes the boss -
GEORDI: Guys, you know Romulan Poker is illegal!!
WESLEY: But we haven't killed anyone yet!!

 

[Tenacity]

LaForge: Pew pew.
Data: Missed me.

 

[TrickyDickie]

Thanks for the win, LH

Geordi: "Wow, this new version of Hogan's Alley really rocks!"

Data: "My emotion chip is making me nostalgic for the old orange gun."

 

[Nerys Myk]

Next time on Trekking Bad...

DATA: What is this? This is red
RIKER: We used a different chemical process, but it is every bit as pure.
WORF: It may be red, but it's the bomb.

 

[TrickyDickie]

Geordi: "A graveyard for lunatics."

Barclay: "Let's all kill Constance."

Wes: "Death is a lonely business."

Duffy: "Something wicked this way comes."