Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #501: Conspiracy Theory

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to the new contest!

We have many winners to get honor!


First up to the plate, we have the "Three Martini Lunch" Award, going to Bry_Sinclair for:

Director: CUT! Dammit, no more lunches at the pub you lot! Reset and call craft services to get coffee brought in.



Next, we have the "The Double is better than you, Sir" Award, going to Smellincoffee for:

Picard: Mr. Worf, take this man to the brig. He's obviously an imposter.
Worf: He does have a better French accent.
Picard: What are you suggesting, Mr. Worf?



Next, we have the "Hey! I liked that game!" Award, going to Laura Cynthia Chambers for:

Worf plays the 2013 Star Trek video game...
Worf: "Why are these doors so hard to open?"
Riker: "Because it takes teamwork between you and the other guy. You think this is bad? You have to help him climb cliffs, too, but sometimes he jumps back down again. Oh, and don't get me started on that swimming in the air bit..."
Deanna (off screen): "Did you tell him about the tribbles?"
Worf: "The what?"



Next, we have the "Lousy Pet-sitter" Award, going to Nerys Myk for:

RIKER: Hey look, this fish is swimming upside down!
TROI: Didn't the Captain ask you to feed him, while he was away?
RIKER: I did. I gave him enough food to last a week.
TROI: Uh-oh.



Next, we have the "Ultimate Weapon" Award, going to JirinPanthosa for:

During the Dominion War, Data requisitioned interchangeable parts so he could screw his head to a giant killer robot body.



Next, we have the "Important Conversation" Award, going to Finn for:

Picard: Computer, why are we denied entry?
Computer: The turbolift system was reprogrammed to deny you entry.
Picard: By who?
Computer: Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher
Picard: Under whose authorization?
Computer: Doctor Crusher. She requires your presence as she has something to tell you.



Next, we have the "Packed Schedule" Award, going to inflatabledalek for:

Troi: Looks like ritual Klingon suicide. Maybe I should have let him book an appointment when he told me he was feeling depressed and suicidal and that he had to talk to me straight away. But do you know how long it takes to put on all this make up and do my hair? There was no way I could fit him in before lunch.



Next, we have the "Communication Issues" Award, going to tharpdevenport for:

Guinan: "What did you do?"

Riker: "All I did was ask her for a pick me up. In hindsight, I should have asked for Sex on the Beach."



Next, we have the "Too bad that wasn't available in Generations" Award, going to Catarina for:

Alright, I have had it. Time to show the big wigs my warp core ejection blueprint.



Next, we have the "Well, duh!" Award, going to Leviathan for:

Admiral Ackbar: IT'S A TRAP!!!

The Award goes to shivkala for:

Riker: Acting Captain's Log-Captain Picard has been turned into a Borg. He was able to adapt their shields to our weapons and knows all of our techniques. But, on the plus side, his chair is really comfortable. Note to self-remove Stargazer bust, it's an ugly ship.

We shall have 2 KBL's this contest!

First, Triskelion:

Data: Receiving a message from Captain Picard in the past....Screw you guys......have invented transparent aluminum...
Geordi: Is that it?
Data: No, there is more...Not now...Madeline.



Second, Nebusj:

Riker: ``I don't know, she asked for help with pick-up lines and then suddenly this?''


Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, our first of 2 season one episode contests, "Conspiracy!"

Since we there was a tie for second place in the poll, the finalists will be up for your vote in this contest to choose next weeks episode.

 

[LeadHead]

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Riker: (over comm) Bridge to Picard.

Picard: Picard he- for pete's sake, Number One! Audio only!

Data: It appears that some alien force is attempting to take control of the Federation using these cat videos.

Riker: Yeah, right there! Thanks.

Crusher: According to his records, he got this tattoo removed 5 years ago.

Picard and Riker discovered the mist dangerous weapon to the alien organisms: laser pointers.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Mine's bigger.
RIKER: Only because I'm circumcised
PICARD: So am I.
RIKER: About that....*

*See the recent episode of Graham Norton

 

[Nerys Myk]

CRUSHER: It's not a mask.
WORF: I guess Old Man Johnson is off my list of suspects, Daphne.
CRUSHER: Beverly.
WORF: Right.

 

[Nerys Myk]

CRUSHER: He keeps mentioning someone named "Logan" and an incident at a place called "Westchester"

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: You look good with a beard, Number One. Now do me with hair.

 

[shivkala]

Picard: No, I'm not the father, I'm not the father! Oh, damn it, not the "I'm Wesley's father" nightmare again!

Data: Ah, yes, I believe I have found the historical record you were looking for.

Picard: Let's see it, Data!

Computer: "We're no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of, you wouldn't get this from any other guy..."

Riker: Damn it, RickRoll'd again! Data!

Riker: What the hell are you doing?

Savar: The Vulcan neck pinch?

Riker: No, no stupid. You've got it much too high, it's more down here where the shoulder meets the neck.

Savar: Like this?

Riker: Yeah! *passes out*

Worf: That is not the correct way to ingest Gagh!

Picard: You, flock of seagulls, you know why we're here? Why don't you tell my man Riker where you got the parasite hid at?

Savar: It's over th...

Picard: I don't remember askin' you a Goddamn thing! You were saying?

Remmick: It's in the cupboard. No, no, the one by your kn-knees.

Picard: We happy? Riker! We happy?

Rikert: Yeah, we happy.

Remmick: I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. I got yours, Riker, right? But I didn't get yours...

Riker: My name's Dix. And your ass ain't talkin' your way out of this shit.

Remmick: No, no, I just want you to know... I just want you to know how sorry we are that things got so fucked up with us and Admiral Quinn. We got into this thing with the best intentions and I never...

Picard: *phasers the man on the couch* I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Admiral Quinn look like?

Remmick: What?

Picard: What planet are you from?

Remmick: What? What? Wh - ?

Picard: "What" ain't no planet I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?

Remmick:: What?

Picard: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Remmick: Yes! Yes!

Picard:: Then you know what I'm sayin'!

Remmick: Yes!

Picard: Describe what Admiral Quinn looks like!

Remmick: What?

Picard: Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time!

 

[Triskelion]

T4TBLALH!

Oh yes, this pillow is much nicer than that old railroad tie I used to sleep on.

Data: As you can see here, sir, Counselor Troi did some experimenting during her Academy days.
Picard: Data, this is footage from a science fair. And her experiment is hooking up an EEG monitor to a tray of potatoes.
Data: Just a moment, sir. She is about to make spud contact.

Riker: Hey, anybody lose their keys -
Vulcan: Is it to a ninety-three Honda Surak?

Beverly: Worf, did you draw this penis on the Admiral's neck?
Worf: No.
Beverly: You didn't draw this ridged penis with the word "Q'Pla" on it.
Worf: Perhaps it was Ogawa.

Riker: Anbo-jyutsu!
Picard: This Old House!
Riker: Anbo-jyutsu!
Picard: This Old House!
Riker: Anbo-jyutsu!
Picard: This Old House!
TV: - Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets.
- How many cups of coffee have you had?
- Forty. Why?
Picard: Alf?
Riker: Alf.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Savar: "Try to change the channel one more time. I dare you."

Riker: "No, not like that! You gotta aim with finesse."
Picard: "I'm sorry, Will, I must've slept through Finesse 101."

 

[Finn]

Thanks for the win!

Riker: I cannot fathom allowing a sentient creature living inside me... I'd sooner fall for...Beverly.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Crusher: "You're right, Worf, that is the biggest crop of ear hair I've ever seen in a Human."
Worf: "Crop? It's a jungle in there."

Q: "Sudden appearance in 10, 9, 8..."
Picard: "I can hear you, Q."
Q: "Crud."
Picard: "Next time you want to scare me out of a sound sleep, Q, you might consider checking my delta waves first."
Q: "I'm an omnipotent lifeform, Jean-Luc, not a sleep medicine specialist."

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Data: "The identity of our ding-dong-ditcher should be visible any moment now."
Picard: "Excellent."
Riker: "Hey, uh, fellas...I'd love to stick around and see who it is, but I just remembered I'm late for my quarterly physical. Bye!" (leaves)
Data: "I thought Doctor Crusher completed those last week."
Picard: (watching Riker leave) "She did."

 

[Nerys Myk]

VULCAN MASTER: And here we see Savar giving the Vulcan Death Grip, instead of the Vulcan Neck Pinch. Best not to confuse the two.

 

[tharpdevenport]

"Agt, agt, agt, agt, agt -- you didn't say the magic word"

Data: "Inquiry: 'Magic word', captain?"

 

[The Squire of Gothos]

PICARD: Mine's bigger.
RIKER: Only because I'm circumcised
PICARD: So am I.
RIKER: About that....*

*See the recent episode of Graham Norton

Stewart thought he was circumcised but wasn't? Not just the plot to an episode of Blunt Talk then.

Data: "Captain, I have discovered that pressing CTRL-H when using LCARS will display personnel browsing history"
Riker: <sweats>

 

[tharpdevenport]

Data: "Captain, as you can see, this ally race is has held its elections, but if you become a citizen of their planet, like some asshole you can bow beat those with a horse in the race who already voted."

Picard: "Seems sensible to me, Mr. Data."

 

[Noname Given]

Lt. Cmdr. Data: "Captain, If you want to try and catch the 'Mega-Squirtle' for your Galactic Pokemon Go game account, we need to head to the Romulan Neutral Zone right now."

 

[Smellincoffee]

Thanks for the win!

Ghostly Voice: Jean Luc Picaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard
Picard, seeing spectral figure: What is this? Who are you?
Ghostly Voice: Ask me who I was.
Picard: Who...'were' you, then? What is your intention?
Ghostly Voice: In life, I was your partner...Jack Crusher.
Picard: Oh, bugger.

Data: And this is how you change the size of your icons now.
Picard: I hate automatic upgrades.

Worf: That is quite the hickey.
Crusher: Deanna's mom should be kept on a leash.

Picard: Blast off at the speed of light!
Riker: Surrender now, or prepare to fight!

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: I love these Starfleet issue tall rectangular pillows. Now I just have to figure out why I keep having all this intense neck pain.

DATA: As you can see by this focus group data, children on the ship still find you weird and frightening.
RIKER: And mine?
DATA: You rated as 30% less sceezy if you added a beard.

RIKER: You know you suck at this! I'm supposed to be unconscious, not in intense pain!

BEVERLY: What is this? His spine is permanently shortened from turning his nose up at things!
WORF: A common condition among Federation admirals.

PICARD: You know what they say about the size of your phaser, number one.
RIKER: Shut up.