TNG Caption This! #449 Lovey Dovey

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to our new caption contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "That Hurts!" Award, going to captain crow for:

Picard: YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FOOT NUMBAH ONE!!

Next, we have the "Feline Training Program" Award, going to shivkala for:

Crusher: If I aim this laser pointer just right, Spot should start attacking you at any moment.

Next, we have the "Isn't it exciting?" Award, going to inflatabledalek for:

Picard: Are we boring you Keiko?

Keiko: Well... yes.

Next, we have the "Tough Times in Space Travel" Award, going to The Laughing Vulcan for:

Wesley: "Are we there yet?"
Data: "No."
Wesley: "Are we there yet?"
Data: "No."
Wesley: "Are we there yet?"
Data: "No."
Wesley: "Are we there yet?"
Data: "No."
Wesley: "Are we there yet?"
Data: "No."
Wesley: "Are we there yet?"
Data: "No."
Wesley: "Are we there yet?"
Data: "No."
Wesley: "Are we there yet?"
Data: "No, we ain't there yet, you annoyin' l'il' brat. Ask me just one more time an' I'll fillet yo ass!""
Wesley: "See Captain, he used contractions. It's Lore."
Picard os: "That isn't definitive proof, Wesley. We all want to kill you too."

Next, we have the "Crucial Equipment" Award, going to hux for:

Troi: I'm sick of sensing shit. I wanna tricorder like this one.

Picard: That's a phaser.

Troi: See, I'm useless without a tricorder.

Two Great Photoshops and both of them are winners! First, we award the "StarFleet's Avengers" Award, going to Shikarnov for:

Next, the "Data is the Second Officer, starting a Second Career" Award, going to Triskelion for:

Slappy: Nister Orf, distatch a sudstace nessage to Adniral Hanson. We had engaged the Dorg.
Wesley: Your lips don't move at all!
Slappy: That's nothing, you should see my - Bad touch! Bad touch!

Our Captain's Log Award goes to Finn for:

Second Officer's Log: These idiots didn't even notice I switched that part of my postronic brain with a faulty part I found in Soong's Lab. I already left Wes a note to put back in the real part afterwards. Fortunately, Geordi was not in Sickbay or he would have noticed with that damn visor.

This weeks KBL goes to Leviathan for:

As punishment, Crusher was required to remove each crewmembers memory of 'Sub Rosa'.



Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, just in time for us to scramble to figure out what to get our loved ones for Valentines Day, our new contest!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Come on, we'll get out of here before anyone knows we're gone!

Vash: Doesn't Q always know where we are?

Picard: Oh crap.

Second Officer's Personal Log: I have started to wonder if pursuing a relationship with Lieutenant D'Sora was the correct decision. She has entered the Clingy stage and has not let go of my arm in 13 hours.

Worf: See, Commander? Reading Klingon love poetry works.

Picard: A Toast, to finally getting some decent champagne aboard the Enterprise.

Troi: I feel your uncertainty, your inability to do your job correctly and your lack of charisma. It excites me.

 

[Nerys Myk]

WOMAN: You look old for a boy, Peter.
PICARD: I'm Robin Hood, damn it!

 

[Finn]

Thanks for the Win

Data:....She's a giggler. Tasha wasn't a giggler. I have to break up with her...

Captain's Log: Counselor Troi's new technique is working. This nice meditation is almost as good as my Dix holonovel. Beverly has no idea I'm not paying attention to her at all.

Stardate 54885

Reg....What do you mean you got Counselor Deanna Troi's help in finding us? Wasn't she the star of your holonovel fantasies she wrote about in your psychological profile?

Thank you though...

Hear back from you....

Doc,, Emergency Command Hologram.

 

[Shikarnov]

Director: Patrick, you really don't need to bend your knees like that. First, it's quite unbecoming. Second, you're short enough that we can fit you in the shot -- even standing on the chair.

 

[Triskelion]

Thank you wery nuch hor the win, Leadhead!

Vash: That's a sad excuse for a Handlebar and a Van Dyke.
Picard: That's because it is neither. This is a very gallant Paintbrush and un Petit Goatee.
Vash: Robin Hood? With some Frenchie Petit Goatee? What planet is this??
Picard: It's not a planet where Robin Hood is some unwashed biker reject with a Handlebar and a Van Dyke!
Vash: At best that is an overclipped Hollywoodian with a sad little Chin Puff hanging on for dear life!
Picard: I prefer to think of it as if a Napoleon III Imperial had a baby with a very manly Anchor!
Vash: Nahh, it looks more like the bastard child of a Gay Copstash and a Zappa.
Picard: I suppose you'd prefer a Robin Hood with a Handlebar and Van Dyke? Why not go fully Franz Joseph?? Or better yet, hop on my hog and hang onto my mutant gorilla Mutton Chops and Goatee!
Vash: I'd even take a Rap Industry Standard over that sad scruff. Come on, Frenchie Petit Lampshade, let's get you out of harm's way before the Duke ponces all over you like a gerbil on a snuff box.
Picard: I bet you wouldn't talk to me like this if I grew an Inmate and wore a Wifebeater.
Vash: Yeah, you do that, "Robin".
Picard: Hood! Robin Hood!
Vash: Oh, my mistake, you see I thought you were Hercule Poirot.
Picard: This is so unfair.
Vash: Come on, Zorro's Brand Evangelist.

D'Sora: Fully functional and anatomically correct? For what species?
Data: Do not mess with me, I am dangerous.
D'Sora: Ha ha ha, "Do not mess with me! I am dangerous!" Scary non-use of contractions, Ken Doll.

Edo Babe: Thank you for coming.
Worf: Truer words were never spoken.

Picard: I'm going to make love to you all night long.
Crusher: Now I see why Starfleet has Mister Data handle all the important ETA calculations.

Troi: I'm sensing...you would like to get me tipsy...get me alone in your quarters... and ravish me...while wearing your biggest hat?
Barclay: Guinan!
Guinan: Sorry! This thing is like a radiotelescope!

 

[JirinPanthosa]

VASH: Are all your sexual holodeck fantasies from ancient literature about medieval England?
PICARD: This is the first time I've gotten a real woman to come!

DATA: It would be good if you cut your hair.
D'SORA: Oh, Data, are you trying to make me look more like Tasha?
DATA: It would be good if you cut your hair.

WORF: Klingons *always* get first pick.

BEVERLY: Special wine. Straight from my special garden.
PICARD: Executive privilege.

BARCALAY: Hello baby. You know if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd order by frequency of use.
HOLOGRAPHIC TROI: You're such a rebel. I don't know if I can handle you.

 

[Nerys Myk]

DIRECTOR: Cut!
ACTRESS: The director said cut.
DORN:We'll cut when I'm damn ready.

 

[Nerys Myk]

D'SORA: So I figure a nice house on Deneva with a room for mother to live in. Of course you'll have to give up Starship duty and find a nice job on the Starbase. The Denevan schools are great, the best in the sector. I'd like a boy and a girl, but two girls would be nice...

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win!

Picard: Robin Hood? I was going for Green Arrow.

Data: You are laughing, but crying at the same time. Intriguing.

D'Sora: I just realized the only man who is perfect for me is an android!

Worf: Earth women are easy!

Beverly: About time you got some good wine!

Picard: But, I just told you, I ran out of Chateau Picard and had to synthesize some wine.

Beverly: Exactly!

Troi: Counselor's Log-I still can't get the image of Lt. Barclay's description of his holodeck program starring me. I mean, really, a dress that's similar to my outfit? As if I would be caught dead wearing something like that!

 

[Nerys Myk]

TROI: (whispering): I'm not a hologram
Barkley faints.

 

[Hutchy01]

Picard: I hear the beard increases an officer's sex drive by 500%

D'sora: Data, I know you don’t have any feelings, but I feel you.
Well, I think we all know where this is heading. [A quick thanks to the Fashion it so guys for writing my joke for me]

Worf: I am now a Merry Man.

Reg:

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice
'Cause I speak of the pompitous of love

CRUSHER: No one calls you that.

PICARD: People talk about me, baby
Say I'm doin' you wrong, doin' you wrong
Well, don't you worry baby, don't worry
'Cause I'm right here, right here, right here, right here at home

CRUSHER: No, they don't

PICARD: 'Cause I'm a picker, I'm a grinner
I'm a lover and I'm a sinner
I play my music in the sun

I'm a joker, I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight toker
I get my lovin' on the run

CRUSHER: You do none of those

PICARD: You're the cutest thing that I ever did see
I really love your peaches, want to shake your tree
Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time
Oee baby, I'll sure show you a good time

CRUSHER: That I can work with.

 

[Seven of Five]

Worf: There, there, don't worry. This awful episode will be over soon. Just be grateful you weren't in Code of Honor.

Picard: Watch your hair Vash, these candles were more than a match for my poor hair.

 

[T'Ressa Dax]

Vash: I'll go with you if you recite love poetry.
Picard: What?
Vash: I think it would be so much more romantic and appropriate just now.
Picard: (quietly) Merde. Ah....:Begins serenading Vash in French::

 

[Timewalker]

Vash: You're not really going out in public dressed like that, are you?

Picard: This is nothing. You should have seen what I wore in Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the win!

Vash: "Trust me, I'm a historian. This is all wrong. Maid Marian was the freedom fighter, Robin an effete idiot from Kensington, and the merry men were a rasta, a dwarf and a moron. I saw the history tapes..."

Data: "She has not released my arm since we started our romantic relationship, Geordi. It is only because it is detachable that I have been able to perform my duties, singlehandedly as it were."
Geordi os: "And the hysterical laughter?"
Data: "That commenced after I first detached the arm."

Worf: "Yes. Ridged, for your pleasure..."

Crusher: "Wine, Jean Luc? You shouldn't have."
Picard: "I didn't, Doctor. It's my urine sample. I've been having this strange burning sensation..."

"Counsellor Troi's Personal Log: I had some more free time today, and once again I spent it in the holodeck, indulging my fantasy of making love to my more neurotic patients. It gives me such a power trip! I might be in need of some professional help myself. But who counsels the counsellors? Computer, delete log entry."

 

[Smellincoffee]

Worf, thinking: I wonder if purchasing native women with trinkets is against the Prime Directive.

Crusher: Prost!
Picard: Proust? A fine writer.
Crusher: Prost! I'm toasting you in German.
Picard: But you're not German.
Crusher: AND YOU'RE NOT FRENCH!

Holo-Troi: Tell me about, Stud.
LaForge, OS: Looks like Reggie's discovered Grease.
Data, OS: It is The Word.

Picard: Now, what you're going to do is jump out of the window and land on my horse.
Vash: Why can't I take the stairs?
Picard: How dramatic would THAT be?
Vash: I'm a professional. Theatrics are for the dopes in prison.

 

[Triskelion]

Worf: Hello, new hairstyle! I hope Commander Riker doesn't steal it first!

 

[Hutchy01]

Vash: I'll go with you if you recite love poetry.
Picard: What?
Vash: I think it would be so much more romantic and appropriate in French.

(The edit makes my joke far funnier)
Picard: I'll never forget that first day at t'pit... (From the old Yorkshire song Capstick Comes Home)