TNG Caption This! #445: Computer Controls

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to the first TNG Caption This! in XenForo!

Before we get to the winners, I'd like to give a big shout out to AntonyF, I have no concept of how much work and effort it must take to maintain this board, but add changing its software to the mix and it has to be a ton of blood, sweat and tears to do. While I'm sure there will be issues and adjustments during the coming days/weeks/months, I just want to say thank you for the hard work.

I'd also like to extend thanks to T'Bonz, our extremely supportive Mod Mutai Sho-Rin, and all the people who work to make this a great place to be!

With the changeover, I'm seeing that we have to click to expand on quotes, which I typically use to show the winners. I'm going to experiment over the next couple of contests to see what ends up looking the best for the new setup.

Our first award, for "Outstanding Achievement in Orderly Lines" goes to Ion for:

Now children, I think you can do better! Straighten the line, and then I'll take you to see engineering.

Our next award, for "Bravery Below and Not-Even-Approaching the Call of Duty" goes to T'Girl for:

Picard: "The interior hold the promise of untold riches and ultimate horror."
Riker: "I'm not going in there."
Crusher: "I'm not going in there."
Worf: "I'm not going in there."
Picard: "Well I'm not going in, but someone has to going in."
Security Guy (quietly): "Ohh shit."

For our next award, we have the "Failure to Properly Transfer Subspace Transmissions" Award, going to Bagofmostlywatr for:

Extra: Which screen did I just send that grindr window to?

Our 4th award of the night for "The Dangers of Facial Hair in the 24th Century" goes to The Laughing Vulcan for:

Picard: "The Blasian greeting ritual looks painful, pulling out the beard by the roots..."
Riker: "Brrdd, wht brrdd?"

Our next award, for "Musical Theatre Prevention" goes to shivkala for:

Worf: I'm sorry sir, but this is necessary. You're exact words were, "Mr. Worf, if it appears I am about to break out into a musical number, say by signaling for someone 'off-stage' to throw a cane and/or top hat, shoot me!" I am just following your orders!

Lots of Photoshops this week! Too tough to choose one, so I choose two!

Nerys Myk for:

WORF: Ambassador Troi's shuttle has landed.

PICARD: Beer me!

And captain crow for:

Data, singing off screen: ...I'm a model, you know what I mean/ And I do my little turn on the catwalk/ Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah/ I shake my little tush on the catwalk...

Two winners of the KBL this week!

First goes to Leviathan for:

Picard: Explain the forehead difference thing NOW or we send you back to the 'Enterprise' era.

The second KBl goes to Smellincoffee for:

Goldshirt, thinking: I wonder if I can tractor-beam an asteroid and throw it at this guy's ship without anyone noticing.



Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, in honor of the changeover, our new contest shall feature our non-exploded computer consoles!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Don't we have nameless Ensigns to do this?

Data: I feel obliged to point out that Mister Homm has just covered the warp containment indicator with a disposable tablecloth.

Data: Mister Worf, this panel is loose. I am attempting to hold it up. Would you please assist me?

Worf: Too busy looking cool.

Crusher: (thinking) Forget relieving them of duty. I'll just torpedo the shuttle Jean-Luc, Will and Data are on and then I'll be Captain.

La Forge: Captain, Starfleet Command has some... issues with your social media accounts...

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Just got an e-mail from a young Risan woman who'd love to meet me. I just need to send her the cost of a spaceliner ticket.

RIKER (thinking): Heh, heh. Looks like I'm buying some new Jazz recordings.

LWAXANA: Thank you Mr Homm. We can now proceed to have sex, Timicin.
LAFORGE: Wait....what!!??

LAFORGE: Says here he's French.

 

[Nebusj]

Picard: ``My battleship!''

Timicin: ``No, I do not believe this can make a bunny appear.''

Worf: ``I don't care what the directions say. I say we assembled that coffee table wrong.''
Data: ``It is ergonomic.''
Worf: ``Ergonomic means nobody can use it.''

``Wait, Dorn can just read his lines off this thing? I should get one of these doohickeys and sell off my scripts!''

Wait, ``Jean-Lick Picard?''

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the win!

Riker thinking: "Press any key to abort self-destruct sequence. Where's the any key, where is it?"
Computer: "10... 9... 8... 7... "

The Great Lwaxana: "And now, my beautiful assis... my assistant will make Dr Crusher and the Traveler reappear."
Data: "Geordi, are you quite certain..."
Geordi: "I've tried everything else."

Worf: "I do not understand how Alexander deleted my Klingon operas and replaced them with the collected works of Motorhead."
Data: "Relocating the entertainment centre controls on the ceiling may be a good idea, but not in a shuttle where you can turn off the artificial gravity."

Crusher: "Things were more civilised in the twentieth century. Transportation came with rear view mirrors for people to fix their make-up. Is that a blemish or wood grain?"

LaForge: "What was the point of the Captain being all bashful about his artificial heart and going off to that Starbase when it's a matter of public record? I was kidnapped by Pakleds for Pete's sake! Vanity thy name is Captain!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: It appears the answer to the question, "How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?", is "None, they need someone to do it for them".

WORF: I hate you.

 

[Leviathan]

Thanks for the KBLA! Soon I shall have a mighty collection...

Computer Voice: Oooo, touch me again Riker.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Hunt and peck, Riker? Do they teach cadets anything at the Academy these days?

 

[Bagofmostlywatr]

Thanks for the win, I'll try to keep it twisted if that's what works. Best I've got for the minute is....

GEORDIE: well, looky here.... The captains left his Facebook logged in...
Status. Just put Worf on conn, fail, now I keep getting hair envy. Need to find an excuse to put him out of sight

WORF (off screen): you are without honour

GEORDIE: allllll right, I'll just misspell Captain at the bottom and see how long it takes someone to notice

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: While we're alone. Have you ever noticed Deanna only ever senses emotions that are already mostly obvious? People seem to get away with lying to us all the time.
RIKER: Yeah. I don't have the heart to tell her she isn't really empathic, she can just recognize basic body language cues.

LWAXANA (Telepathically to Mr Homm): It's so fun to test the limits of how uncomfortable we can make people before they say something, isn't it?

WORF: Hey, I wonder how really short people can reach that console.
DATA: The designer of this type of shuttlecraft had a really short ex he wanted to spite.
WORF: We're so going to get sued.

CRUSHER: Computer! How is even possible that I fought off the Borg attack on Earth all by myself?
COMPUTER: Records indicate that you are just that awesome.
CRUSHER: Well, can't argue with that.

GEORDI: 400 years and still no advancements in driver's license photo technology.

 

[Ion]

"Be quiet, Number One. I'm hacking the Gibson."

"Hey! I asked for single women between 20 and 35, not old bald guys!"

 

[Ion]

(and thanks for the win )

 

[shivkala]

Thanks, Leadhead, for the win!

Picard: Keep searching, Number One, I'm sure we can find "New Blue" on this version of the TrekBBS.

Troi: What a lovely place for a picnic, don't you agree?

Geordi: This really isn't a great place...oh, do I smell turkey sandwiches?

Data: According to this display, we were supposed to have this serviced 3,000 light years ago.

Worf: Everyone knows those are just estimates. I'd say we have at least another 2,000 light years before we have to take the shuttlecraft in.

Crusher: Huh, who knew? Worf automated his station. All he does is hit a button for either "phasers," "torpedoes," or "hail."

Geordi: Huh, apparently it is the Captain's birthday and we're forgotten. No wonder he's extra pissy today!

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: These Xenforo blinky buttons will give me the epilepsy.
Riker: OH HERE WE GO.

Lwaxana: These two - call me Mrs. Troi. You can call me by my Borg designation, Seven-Eleven.
Timicin: ...
Lwaxana: Wanna know how I got that designation?
Timicin: ....

Worf: Hey - why don't we just use a shuttle transporter every time there's a crisis and transporters are down?
Data: Check it out, when you look at it upside down it says "Boobies".
Worf: Heh heh he - what was I talking about?

Lwaxana: Let's see...I'll have Lurch here replicate us some foie gras.
Timicin: Lurch? I thought it was a Munster.
Lwaxana: Muenster? With foie gras? Good thing you're not in charge of the replicators.
Geordi: THAT'S where I know him from! <pulls out phaser>

Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with me, there must be something wrong with the Lemon Pledge!

Commander Riker lied to me again! He's human, NOT an alibino Bolian!

 

[tharpdevenport]

Worf: "Commander, have you entered the life-saving coordinates already?"

Data: "Huh? Oh, I was updating my Facebook status."

 

[2takesfrakes]

Bev: "Hey, hey, hey, it's the big Master Control Program everybody's been talking about."
[proceeds to type ...]
MCP: "Stop! Please! You realize I cannot allow this!"
Bev: "How are you going to run the universe if you can't answer a few unsolvable problems, huh? Come on, big fella, let's see what you got."
MCP: "I'd like to go against you and see what your made of."
Bev: "You know, you look nothing like your pictures."
MCP: "I'm warning you. You're entering a big error, Bev.
I'm going to have to put you on the game grid ..."

 

[tharpdevenport]

Beverly: "My thoughts created this unvierse. Can they get me out of it again?"

Talkie the Computer: "That information is not available."

Beverly: "Then what is available?"

Talkie the Computer: "How to break the speed of light, how to marry quantum mechanics and classical physics -- any question at all, truly anything and I will answer."

Beverly: "Where is Wesley?"

Talkie the Computer: "Okay, here's my answer: would you like some toast?"

Beverly: "No thank you. Let me ask you another one: where is Dr. Dalen Quaice?"

Talkie the Computer: "Do you know anything about the use of Chaos Theory in predicting warp bubble fields?"

Beverly: "Is that what happened to me? Did Wesley's experiment go wrong?"

Talkie the Computer: "Would you like a crumpet?"

Beverly: "You're a computer with a memory access speed of 4,600 kiloquads a second!"

Talkie the Computer: "You're nto answering my question."

Beverly: "No I would not like a crumpet! Now please tell what is happening to the ship using no replies bread related."

Talkie the Computer: "Very well. Ask me a question that will tax my memory capacity and interactive capabilities."

Beverly: "The reply isn't going to be about waffles, isn't it?"

Talkie the Computer: "Certainly not. And I resent the implication that I'm a one-dimensional, bread-obsessed computer core."

Beverly: "I apologise, computer. What's your reply?"

Talkie the Computer: "Given that parrallel universes are infinite, and that the universe is also infinite ... would you like a toasted teacake?"

 

[T'Ressa Dax]

Lwaxana: Look what I found! Deanna's old baby blanket. Isn't it pretty?

 

[Leviathan]

With a longevity its inventors could not have forseen, LinkedIn stalking persisted until the late 24th century.

 

[Triskelion]

Data: Nope. It's a transporter system matrix and not a snow cone maker like I first believed.
Worf: ONE of you is going to be producing snow cones. I do not care which one it is.