TNG Caption This! #445: Computer Controls

[joededman]

Data: And here we see the marks left by your forehead the last time you ran into the overhead..
Worf: Klingons stoop for no man or machine!

Geordi <thinking>: Here I am just casually snooping through a personnel database I have no rights to be in. It's good to be the Chief. Look at that Medical Note on the Captains file.. Cardiac replacement? Probably replaced it with an liquid helium pump.

Weapons Console >> enter Password
Beverly enters >> IAMABIGBADSNUGGLYKLINGON
Weapons Console >> Access Granted

 

[T'Girl]

Bev: "Leaning over this console for several hours a day, no wonder Worf's back eventual broke.

 

[Shikarnov]

Picard: I think my console has a virus, Number One.

Riker: Why's that, sir?

Picard: A popup just appeared -- which I can't close -- and it says "Your console may be infected with a virus. Click OK to buy a scanning and cleaning service for 5 bars of gold pressed latinum."

Riker: I'm pretty sure that's nonsense, sir.

Picard: How do you know?

Riker: ::boredly pressing buttons:: Because I'm under the age of 40.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Geordi: "Watch this, commander..."

LATER THAT DAY...

Picard: "Computer, open my crew file. I need to do some updating. What? Mostly balding? Barely fits in uniform? 'Captain log needs supplemental'? Right testical is point zero zero four higher than the left and smaller? Known companion: Livingston the fish?"

 

[Hutchy01]

Bev: "Leaning over this console for several hours a day,.

Bev: Makes me glad the captain has Vash now!

 

[trynda1701]

PICARD: (to himself) "Will touch types slower than that Tony DiNozzo character on my favorite 20th Century TV show NCIS! How the hell did he make the rank of Commander and get posted to the Federation flagship!"

 

[Velocity]

PICARD: Fire photon torpedos! Number One! Stop playing Tetris and fire the damn torpedos!

 

[inflatabledalek]

Riker: Ah, I've finally worked out how to change my signature on the new layout!

Picard: It's very... white isn't it.

Laxwana: ...and in a similar VEIN... you see, VEIN, like the ones on your face?

Bloke From MASH: No woman on my planet has this sort of sophisticated and witty humour.

Data: And that Mr. Worf, is how you find the clitoris.

Beverly: Worf, I've been holding your console up for an hour now. How long before you fix the wonky leg?


Worf?

Geordi: So he has two first names but no middle name?

 

[HIjol]

Picard: "I cannot get this damnable "Pong" pixel in the corner!"

Riker: (to himself) "How in the HELL did Uhura do this?"

Lwaxana: "Why, back home, Mr Hom could pull the tablecloth right out from under a Warp Coil!"

<off-camera>...(((BONNGGG)))

Data: "My Memory Circuits indicate that Data Projectors did not work with efficiency back in the 21st Century, either."

Worf: "Data Projectors?" I do not find that amusing, Commander!" "Nor do I understand the need for me to wear this Human Child Monitor on my arm."

"Dr. Kildare? Marcus Welby? Ben Casey? St. Elsewhere?" Where is the "Dancing in the Stars" channel?"

"Wow, I did not know he did that!"
"Or that!"
"Wait, on DS9 with a Dabo Girl?"
"This one is from Risa!"
"Admiral Nechayev???"

Computer Voice: ~~see further audio-video files~~

"Computer, copy to La Forge, Authorization Tango Niner Gamma."

 

[indycar]

Picard: It says that we'll make four movies Number One!
Riker: Uh huh, sure, and I bet I'll direct two of them.

Lwaxana: You look like that 20th century actor from M*A*S*H*.

Data: It appears that Commander Riker attempted to have sex with this machine.
Worf: I am going to get him for this.

Crusher: Computer, request browsing history of Ensign Wesley Crusher.
Computer: Ensign Crusher spent 13 hours looking at images of naked Orion slave women.
Crusher: At least I can say he's not gay.

Geordi: I always knew that the Captain had a past.

 

[Nebusj]

Picard: ``So ... if we're the only two people left on the ship ... then why is AmyRose3Pips still logged in to the chat server?''
Riker: ``I have no idea, CaptTailsKitsune.''

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Fire the torpedo in five seconds, Mark.
Riker: I'm Will.
Picard: Yes I know. Mark.
Riker: I'm Will.
Picard: Yes, You Will, Me Jean Luc. Now carry out my order!
Riker: What order - wait five seconds, or fire the torpedo?
Picard: Will you fire the torpedo!
Riker: Yes, I, Will, shall fire the torpedo; and you, Jean Luc, will give the order! I don't know why you want to waste time talking about this Mark person.
Picard: MARK! It means you count to five! It's a point in time, like a mark twain is a point in space!
Riker: No, Mark Twain is a WRITER. A WRITER.
Picard: COUNT TO FIVE AND FIRE THE TORPEDO! MARK! MARK! MARK!
Riker: Count to five and fire the torpedo like Mark Twain? Fine! One Mississippi, two Mississippi -
Picard: Mark! Mark! Mark!
Riker: LOOK MY NAME ISN'T MARK! IT'S WILL, BILL, OR RIKER - BUT NEVER BILLY BOY, AND SURE AS SHAKAREE NOT MARK!
Picard: Will you not fire the torpedo?
Riker: MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND! FINE, DO IT YOURSELF!
Picard: VERY WELL! I SHALL BEAR THE ONUS MYSELF!
Riker: LOOK, NOBODY WANTS YOU BEARING YOUR ONUS ON THE BRIDGE!!! ADMIRAL NECHEYEV WAS VERY EXPLICIT ABOUT THAT THE LAST TIME!
Picard: Stop messing around and dam a torpedo! Mark!
Riker: While you fart around looking for someone named Mark, the Romulan ship may get away!
Picard: I THINK THAT WARBIRD WILL! STRIKE HER!
Riker: WILL RIKER! Look, I will give you a five second countdown, and you fire the damned torpedoes, OK??
Picard: Technically, it's DAM the torpedoes, not DAMN the torpedoes -
Riker: I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH THE COLLECTED WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE OR I WILL GIVE YOU A FIVE SECOND COUNTDOWN TO DAM THE DAMNED TORPEDO DAMNED DAM!
Picard: OK! GIVE ME A FIVE SECOND COUNTDOWN!
Riker: READY?? NOW - ARM PHASERS!
Picard: Um...
Riker: NOW WHAT'S THE DAMN PROBLEM??!!
Picard: We only have hand phasers.

 

[Catarina]

Bev: "Leaning over this console for several hours a day, no wonder Worf's back eventual broke.

Good god, you're right!! OUCH

 

[Catarina]

Data: Would you like mushrooms on your pizza?
Worf: I'd rather choke on the commander's blood. Gahkt please.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Data: Would you like mushrooms on your pizza?
Worf: I'd rather choke on the commander's blood. Gahkt please.

Data: Let's compromise. Gahkt pizza.

 

[LeadHead]

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