TNG Caption This! 323: Friendship to Last

[LeadHead]

Good evening everyone! I've started a lot of contests lately with apologies. This time, I begin with an apology and sincere gratitude. In the last couple of weeks, I hit a very low point that I never thought I would see. The result of which was, that my sense of humor was not anywhere near alive enough to judge a contest. The reason I wanted to express gratitude is that, thanks to the humor and creativity of all the people who post here, I was able to smile and laugh in some very dark moments. Thank you very much everyone.

And now without further ado....

First up to the plate, we have the "Maybe these two DO need a Counselor" Award, going to:

PICARD: Stable and wide stance?
RIKER: Check.
PICARD: Eyes down?
RIKER: Check.
PICARD: Weapon in hand?
RIKER: Check.
PICARD: Troi would have a field day with this symbolism, you know.

Next, we have the "Boring Captain" Award, going to:

YAR: So. we need this injection every time the Captain begins moralizing?

RIKER: Trust me, it's worth it.

Next, we have the "Some things just get old" Award, going to:

After so many years in command of the Enterprise, airlocking insubordinate crew members no longer provided the same pleasure it once had.

Next, we have the "Where did it go?" Award, going to:

CRUSHER: Computer, locate my dignity.

COMPUTER: Your dignity is no longer on the ship.

Next, we have the "Mistaken Identity" Award, going to:

Wesley: [scoffs] Who do you think you are? Superman?
Riker: You'd better take that back, Wesley!
Wesley: What's he going to-- [chokes, then starts gargling and gasping]
Picard: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

Picard: Two to beam, Chief O'Brien.
O'Brien: Just a second sir, I'm having a little...ion interference.

Cmpptns Lgg Splmntl: "Fkckn sprglu prnkstrs hv strk gn!"

BEVERLY: Computer, show me to the part of the ship without tacky art deco wall panels.

Congratulations to our winners and many thanks to everyone who participated!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Troi: Captain, you gave this same speech last week.

Picard: Whoops.

Picard: Beverly...

Crusher: Yes, Captain?

Picard: Why in gods name am I being treated here on the Bridge?! Don't we have a state of the art Sickbay?!!

Picard: So, at the end of the date, I tried to kiss her, and she called for an emergency beam-out.

Worf: (thinking) I hope I get promoted to Tactical so that she can't do this anymore.

Data: We have entered the Rave Nebula.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: What the hell is on your head?

TROI: Interesting, most guy's eyes go straight to the cleavage.

CRUSHER: It's a bald cap! He's been fooling us this whole time!

CRUSHER: Guess who passed the Bridge Commanders test, losers?

LAFORGE: Could be worse, it could have been Troi.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Beverly: It's time for your lunch, gentlemen. I brought some KWAY-SAWNTS up to the bridge.

Worf: I will kill you where you stand.

 

[Triskelion]

TFTW Leadhead!

Troi: I have it on good authority that a certain senior officer would not kick you out of bed for eating crackers.

Picard: I don't like crackers.

Picard: Sleep, Riker.
Beverly: He's exhausted.
Riker: Ogawa, draw a penis on his head.

Troi: Data, while the crew would no doubt benefit from your new counseling chip, you should know that catsuits are not mandatory.

Worf: It's the nebula.
Crush: There's a nebula, all right. LaForge?
LaForge: Fogging up the IR band up in here.

Data: Geordi, should we be stopping at a strip club?
LaForge: Like the Captain said about you, Starfleet was founded to seek out new life: well, there it pole dances!

 

[inflatabledalek]

Troi: ...And that's as close as my hand gets.

Riker: Right, what we do is the Murder On The Orient Express thing where we all give each other an alibi and blame the murder on a passing midget.

Riker: I'm going to be the youngest Captain in Starfleet one day.

McFadden: Hey Dorn, do you think they'll still pay me more than you in season 2?

Geordi: Do you think we'll ever see those Ferengi again?

Data: Nah, a show would have to be really desperate to do a follow up to this episode.

 

[IzzyAtWarp9]

Troi: Captain, is it really necessary for Will to have a chair? I mean, mist of the time he's up with his leg on the consoles anyway
Picard: Hmm...

Beverly: What happened?
Riker: I caught him trying to remove my chair
Beverly: Oh. Fair enough then
...
Beverly: What do you want to do now?
Riker: Steal the captain's chair?
Beverly: I'll get the spanner

Troi: Thank God it's finally over! Will, you've made me watch all 5 seasons if Sex and the City, can we please watch Twilight now??
Riker: There are 6 seasons, Deanna
Troi: Aww, no!!

Beverly: You know, Worf, it will never work out with you and Deanna. You'll end up hooking up with... A girl with, like, a worm in her or something...
Geordi: Don't worry about it, Worf, she's just drunk as usual
Worf: With a...? Hmmm....

 

[Isis]

Riker (to self): "Ah...preseason football is back. All's right with the galaxy."

Troi (to self): "Of all the games he could watch, why does Will insist on the one with the pointy ball?"

Data: "What do you mean we're lost? This is obviously the wide blue yonder."

 

[IzzyAtWarp9]

Geordi: OK, Data, I believe you. Starfleet ships aren't waterproof.
Data; I told you Star Trek: Into Darkness was impossible

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: I fail to see why this game is called "chicken". It has nothing in common with that domesticated fowl.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Prom Night

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Troi: "Captain, I can't help picking up your thoughts. I don't mind your mental images of you and Vash together. I don't even mind your mental images of you and me together. I do mind your mental images of me and Vash together!"

Ogawa: "Oh, here's the problem! The dosage was supposed to be 100 micrograms! Not 100 milligrams! I always get those two confused! Silly me!"

Crusher: "The Captain and I were just renewing our old 'friendship.' By the way, get ready for a transfer. My son thinks it might be fun to drive the ship."

Data: "Wow. Check out the headlights on that Borg female."
LaForge: "Heh! You know, on Earth that's just a smarmy euphemism!"

 

[huskers57]

It gradually dawns on Picard where the jump ropes from the recreation deck have gone.

Crusher: "Note the low forehead, denoting stupidity; the dull look of a trapped animal."

Blue skies smilin' at me
Nothin' but blue skies do I see
Blue birds singin' a song
Nothin' but blue skies from now on

I never saw the sun shinin' so bright,
never saw things goin' so right
Noticing the days hurrying by,
when you're in love, my how they fly by
Blue days, all of them gone
Nothin' but blue skies from now on

 

[Holdfast]

TFTW, and I hope you're feeling better now too.

TROI: Wouldn't you like to be where my left hand is?
PICARD (terrified, thinking): They always end up like their mothers.

CRUSHER: Damn, I can't find his on/off switch.
OGAWA: Scanning for it now, Doctor.
RIKER: And you're absolutely sure you two are medically qualified?

TROI: My mother is beginning a physiological phase. It's one that all Betazoid women must deal with as they enter midlife.
RIKER: It's something Troi warned me about when we first started to see each other. A Betazoid woman, when she goes through this phase, quadruples her sex drive.
TROI: Or more.
RIKER: Or more? You never told me that.
TROI: I didn't want to frighten you.

(pace original Manhunt scriptwriter; I just can't improve on the original lines; it's one of the funniest exchanges in all of TNG!)

CRUSHER: Look at my face; good, isn't it? It's the Botox. Give me 5 minutes, and I'll get rid of your forehead wrinkles too.

DATA: I appreciate the effort Geordi, but I am still unable to grasp the emotion, "feeling blue".

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: Counselor, how did you not know the Romulan captain was lying?
TROI: It's Commander Riker sir. I have to close my mind when I'm around him or else I get really grossed out.

BEVERLY: Jean Luc said he'd had it for more than four hours, I should have listened!

Riker and Troi just found out their next mission is first contact with a planet where anybody found wearing clothes is executed on sight.

BEVERLY: I got your text last night Worf. Call me when you get off duty. (Wink)
Worf: (Thinking) That wasn't K'elyhr? Oh sh...

DATA: I'm getting a message from the past.
GEORDI: Put it on screen.
DATA: It says 'Destroy the Ferengi vessel before going back to the alpha quadrant. We beg you.'
GEORDI: Destroy them, why? Who is it from?
DATA: It says only 'From the fans of Star Trek: Voyager'.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Troi: "No, they're not weapons! They're meant to be attractive!"
Picard: "They make you look like an Antarian Bear!"
Troi (annoyed): "Okay, fine! I'll trim them!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

TROI: It's a Betazoid accent, very common on my homeworld.

PICARD: Right and I sound like Charles bloody DeGaulle.

 

[BriGuy]

Troi: I'm a very motivated officer, captain. I can do... anything for you.
Picard: Counselor, I'm gay.
Troi: Oh, uhm, ok, that's good, good, nothing wrong with that...
Picard: Counselor, I'm kidding. And since your empathic abilities couldn't tell, you're also fired.

Riker: How long do you think he'll be out for?
Crusher: There's no way to be sure. I'm not even sure yet what's happening to him.
Riker: Ok, well, I'll take the chance there will be enough time to rummage through his quarters for that horgon I've wanted back.

OK, if you had slept with Deanna, you'd have the same look on your face. It's that simple.

Crusher: That's right, Worf. I'm the one who said I'd find you 'tame.'

The JJ remake of TNG...

 

[Triskelion]

On this ship I'll follow your orders. In Betazed space I could have you castrated and your grapes fed to carnivorous fishes. Just so you and me understand each other.

Ogawa: According to my device, he is a Pikachu.

Troi: Sir, I don't think referring to my office as "The Champagne Room" is therapeutically valid.

Crusher: How they hanging, Raisinets?
Worf: That is unethical!

Data: I do not believe the Captain would appreciate our "pimping out" our ride with glow lights.

Geordi: Shut up and set the nacelles to spin.

 

[Nerys Myk]

CRUSHER: If you can find a little time between texts, Ogawa. I could use a little help.