TNG Caption This! 258: It's how you look at it.

[LeadHead]

Happy Saturday Fellow Captioners! Before I get to the winners, I'd like to inform those of you who may not be aware, that this week I've started running the Caption Contest over in the Movies I-X Forum! I'm aiming for that one to resume being an every other week contest and I'm looking forward to seeing that one keep going and bringing the laughs!

First up to the plate, we have the "I'll build my own Catchphrase! With Blackjack and Hookers.... You know what forget the Catchphrase!" Award, going to:

Worf: "Data has a new catch phrase!"
Data: "'Bite my shiny, metal ass!'"
Riker: "Whoa! He shoots; he scores!"

Next, we have the "Warp Powered Groan" Award, going to:

Picard: "I hate to have to do this to you, Number One, but if you don't agree to join me on the holodeck for another one of Dixon Hill's cases, I'll open the door and let Lwaxana in."

Riker: "This is just wrong."

Picard: "In this case, it would seem that two wrongs do make a Riker."

Next, we have the "You've endangered our client, the nice lady, who paid us in advance, before she became a dog," Award, going to:

Picard: "I thought I told you not to cross the streams."

Batting Cleanup, we have the "Whoa, that's Heavy" Award, going to:

DATA (reading): "If my calculations are correct you shall receive this letter immediately after you saw the Enterprise struck by lightning. Please let me assure you that I am alive and well. I have been living happily these past eight months in they year 1885. The lightning bolt that..."

DATA: 1885! September 1885! He's alive! Geordi's alive! He's in the Old West, but he's alive!

/cue the BTTF theme tune.

Next, we have the "47 reasons to find an escape route" Award, going to:

LaForge: "Yes, Captain, we've done the first few."

<brief pause>

LaForge: "So you're telling me there was a typo in the address? That we went to Warehouse 1047, which stores expensive, difficult-to-manufacture shuttles, but it should have said Warehouse 1074, which houses the junkyard that hired us to do those demolitions?"

The Photoshop Award goes to:

As they say, "There's a little bit of Irish in us all." Even Data.

Now, Data's Newspaper Picture got us a lot of fantastically funny news stories. Rather than only give only 1 the nod, here are a few that share the Belly Laugh:

Data: "TNG Caption Contest starts slightly later than normal due to leaky roof". Slow news day.

Data: Molybdenum and cobalt alloys in short supply? Prices sky high! Crap! I need to get out of this city!

Data: "Fascinating. Tebow has been traded to the Jets....."

....Only if Denver had known Tebow would be responsible for the Jets Dynasty of the 2010s and that Peyton ended up in a wheelchair that summer after playing basketball with a couple of neighborhood kids.

And,

Data: There is a sale at Penny's!

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to all of our winners!

And now, I have prepared a new contest for you! I hope you enjoy it!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Data: Then, I re-calibrated the port fusion injectors to provide .03% additional plasma flow to the Warp Nacelles...

Riker: Captain, if you don't call 'Red Alert' I'm going to.

Picard: Make it so.

Worf: No, Captain. I cannot explain why the Klingons are still using ships that are over 200 years old.

Crusher: I knew I shouldn't have eaten that third burrito...

Worf: Captain, I believe it may have been a mistake to go to Risa for a week before answering this distress call.

Picard often spoke to his imaginary friend at social events.

 

[Gary7]

Thanks for the Photoshop selection, Leadhead. Also, glad to hear the leaky roof is fixed.

It was a huge letdown when Data decided to perform his ventriloquism act... with just himself.

Picard: "Worf! A Klingon battle cruiser, coming out of nowhere. RED ALERT!"
Worf: "Captain, it's only a model."

Troi: "You know Beverly, it's not in good taste to 'do the robot' when Data is in the room."

Picard: "Oh don't worry about me. I'll just stand here and talk to myself."

 

[Gary7]

Picard: "On the contrary, some of my best friends have been pure energy beings."

 

[Gary7]

Beverly: "Well, that's just great. GREAT. We're many thousands of light years from Earth and we're completely out of it."
Troi: "What's that?"
Beverly: "Alka-Seltzer."

 

[Gary7]

EMH Doctor: "Please state the nature of the medical emergency."
Picard: "Well, it's not exactly a medical emergency. More of a social one."
EMH Doctor: "What??"
Picard: "I needed someone to talk to."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Thanks for the win, LeadHead!

Data: "Thank you all for coming. Unfortunately, I walked past a high-voltage Tesla coil earlier today, and I have absolutely no memory of why I invited you here."

Troi: "Beverly, I sense a sudden, great fear in you! A fear that you are about to utterly destroy your reputation for proper, lady-like behavior!"

Picard (miffed at being ignored): "Hey, Will! Seen Deanna lately? Seen Devinoni Ral lately? Seen the light yet, dumbass?"

 

[TrickyDickie]

That was another win for my wife. She says Thanks!

After the crew heard Data's impression of Marilyn Manson singing 'I Don't Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me' they scheduled an immediate 'Intervention.'

 

[TrickyDickie]

Patrick: "Well, Harvey, I guess after Jimmy passed away I kind of inherited you, didn't I?"

Harvey: "You're too square, dude. I'm moving on to Rod."

 

[T'Girl]

Deanna: "I keep telling you Bev, afterwards just walk into the bathroom and spit it out. No one seriously expects you to swallow."

.

 

[TrickyDickie]

Picard: "I'm going to have a serious talk with you and Commander Riker about this whole beard thing. I said 'Show me a picture of Nero, Worf ' not 'Show me a picture of Nero Wolfe'!"

Worf: "If you are insinuating that I am a 'beard-brain' like Commander Riker, you are not honorable!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: I've no idea. Its not like we all know each other!

 

[Mojochi]

I call this painting behind us "Wall"

You called me for this? I suppose if it had been a ship full of bald white bureaucrats you could've handled it yourself

Ok, which one of you impregnated me while I was in that coma?

Worf hadn't realized that the down side of time travel, is potentially coming across your own corpse

It was the little things Q enjoyed the most, like moving Picard over 3 feet, while in mid-sentence

 

[TrickyDickie]

Beverly: "I know an old woman who swallowed a fly...."

Deana: "You're very convincing when you sing that."

 

[TrickyDickie]

Gates: "That is so sickeningly cruel."

Marina: "Wil Wheaton is truly evil."

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: As I said, Captain. The tribbles seem cute and cuddly at first....

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIPLEY: I've seen this before, Counselor. I know just what to do.

 

[Supernuke]

Beverly: Wait. I'm not feeling quite right, Deanna. It's like Wesley didn't get slapped enough today. But that can't be right. Oh well better safe then sorry-Wesley, be a dear and bring me some water...

 

[Skywalker]

Worf: "I recommend caution, Captain. That is a Klingon battle cruiser, one of the most powerful vessels in the Empire."
Picard: "...Seriously?"
Worf: "It'll look more menacing on Blu-ray."

Data: "...And that concludes my oral presentation on the various techniques utilized in humanoid self-pleasure. If you would all please remain seated, I will now begin the physical demonstration."

 

[Holdfast]

Thanks for picking one of mine! There really were some cracking entries all round last week (and the week before too).

RIKER (whispering to TROI): Remind me, why did humanity abolish television as a form of entertainment?

WORF: What do you mean, "that's my new ship"?

GATES: Marina, I wish you wouldn't try acting so early in the morning after a heavy night before.

PICARD: That's what you brought for the pot-luck dinner, Mr Worf?

Picard's pro-tip #22: Talking to thin air is preferable to listening to another of Mr Data's amusing anecdotes.