And, yes, this DOES mean the the entire universe and every object within it WAS physically "smaller" in the "past". Literally.
This "Relativity of Expansion Rate" is difficult to perceive because all of our measuring instruments are ALSO expanding at essentially the same rate. Once we are able to get into deep space (and absent strong gravitational fields) for a significant period of time, it will be seen that objects returning from "out there" will be measurably larger than when they left Earth. The ratio will match the discrepancy in relative "time passed" also.
While the cosmological constant is indeed trying to balloon us up like a loaf of bread, the emphasis is on "trying." Electromagnetism and the S/W nuclear forces all keep our bodies together at a constant size. Our atoms are not expanding, nor are our quarks, or molecules. Standing here on earth, even gravity is strong enough to keep us from floating away with the rest of space. On a larger scale, there is even enough gravity to not only keep our galaxy in one spiral piece, but enough to drag us into an inevitable collision with the Andromeda galaxy too.
If the universe's continual acceleration is due to an increasing cosmological constant, it will some day, far in the future, overcome the forces that hold us together. When it does, we're not going to gently inflate. We'll be torn to pieces and explode as the bonds that hold us together are broken. Up until that point, you'll remain at a fairly constant size.
So no, you're not ballooning up, but that doesn't mean your basic theory is wrong. In fact, I cited it as a theory more plausible than the OP's. Time may well be a function of the expanding universe. I personally don't know, and given the amount of debate on the subject, I don't think anyone else does either.
You keep insisting that orbiting is the same as "spiraling." It's not. An orbit is the equilibrium of momentum of a planet balanced by gravity's constant acceleration towards a star (though you were right in that gravity is really curved space-time, I oversimplified the relationship).
This is partially true. The one problem is, when the balance is off, the equilibrium is lost and the orbiting body will move in the path of a spiral. Our own moon is a perfect example, which has been proven to be moving farther away from earth at approximately 38mm per year, measurable using the special laser reflectors that were placed there by the Apollo missions to measure that very thing. Now I don't know if that implies a change in velocity the closer in or farther out an orbiting body moves, but I can say with certainty that not all orbits are perfectly balanced.
The issue isn't balance, but the Moon slightly gaining energy the oceans of the earth due to tidal forces, allowing it to maintain a stable higher orbit. This is also slowing the Earth's rotation. In effect, the Earth's rotation is being converted into Lunar orbital velocity. As the Earth slows down, eventually the Moon (having lost its energy source) will stabilize and after that will start drifting back towards the Earth, because of tidal forces caused by the Sun on the Earth-Moon system. Assuming, of course, that both haven't been enveloped by a red giant Sun at that point. It's still a fairly stable system, which will fluctuate as both objects are not perfect static spheres. However, the moon will neither fly away into space nor will it fall into the earth. As such, it's not what the OP was saying, and is not a spiral trajectory.
Fun Fact: Given enough time, the Earth and Moon will become tidally locked, with the Earth rotating in sync with the revolution of the Moon. Meaning the Moon will only be visible from one side of the Earth and a day on earth will be 1,128 hours long. That's 47 modern days.