*TAS* Caption Contest 006: Hold Me, Touch Me

[Mistral]

Sulu: "What the-? I had a perfectly good man here just a second ago!"

 

[Mistral]

"Would you stop asking, 'Are we there yet?' for God's sake! We're snails! This is as fast as we go!"

 

[Rat Boy]

Cranky Kirk: "Oh, no; we could have retired to Florida, but you said we could save money by going to Arizona. You didn't tell me the damn orderlies were giant slugs!"

Uncontrollable Diarrhea McCoy: "Oh crap."

Kaltog: "Suddenly I feel hungry."

 

[Alrik]

Spock: "So let me ask, do you gentlemen know the definition of bifurcated?"

Kirk: "Wizards Chess is one thing Spock, but this???"

Lucian: "Psych!"

Sulu: "Damn!"

Announcer: "Welcome to hour three of the Slug One Hundred Yard Dash. This has been a riveting race thus far, but it looks like Molasses jockeyed by non other than James T Kirk has finally taken a commanding lead. We will return in forty five minutes for the always breath taking final five yard sprint."

 

[Rat Boy]

Spock: "So let me ask, do you gentlemen know the definition of bifurcated?"

 

[Alrik]

^

Well done.

 

[Alrik]

"Yo JimmyK. We's beamin down to go cruisin for some hoochy mamas. Wanna tag?"

 

[Rat Boy]

Carl Spock: "They're yours for the night for three hundred credits, but if you want them for the weekend, that's an extra two fitty."

 

[Captain Crow]

Carl Spock: These here be my "man bitches", bitches!

 

[Rat Boy]

Carl Spock: "They forgot my birthday. Bitches."

 

[Captain Crow]

Very Camp Klingon on the right: You know what they say about a man with small hands.

Very Camp Klingon on the left: I sure do honey.

Spock: Hey! I'm a grower not a shower.

Very Camp Klingons together: That's not what Sulu said.

 

[Super Grover]

Spock - Do you guys know a Captain by the name of Bill Brasky?
Klingon 1 - Bill Brasky is a son of a patak.
Klingon 2 - Best damn Captain in the fleet.
Spock - He stood 8'12" about 490 pounds.
Klingon 2 - He sells brooms somewhere on Delta Vega
Spock - Anyway, We were hunting Mugatos, and we were in the back of the truck, when Brasky starts to squeeze the Mugato's head and he said, "Say it. Say I'm Bill Brasky." The Mugato made a sound like billllbaski. It wasn't exact, but it was damn good for a mugato.
Klingon 1 - I'm a registered sex offender.
All three - TO BILL BRASKY!!!

Kirk - c'mon man, she looked eighteen to me man, and what I did on that Ice planet is what I had to do to survive. You should blame Spock more than anything, he's the one who had me beamed there.

I knew I should have never eaten the last of that soul doughnut in the officers fridge.

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Spock: "You guys want to fill Rand's fantasy of a DP? I'm the one to talk to"

Sulu: Sorry Miss but you're not ...Well hello there handsome

 

[Mistral]

"Look, meet me in Ten Forward later and I can get you what you need..."

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Lactrian 1: "So what are little Lactrians made of?"

Lactrian 2: "Humans and Vulcans and puppy dogs' tails."

Kirk: "That doesn't even rhyme."

Lactrian 3: "It does in the original Lactrian."

Frrrpppp

Lactrian 1: "What was that?"
Lactrian 2: "You squeezed your human too tightly. That happens."
Lactrian 3: "Sounds funny, let me have a go."

Frrrrpppp

Kirk: "Cut that out!"

Lactrian 1: "Let's see if we can get them playing in harmony.

FFRRRRRRPPPP!

Uncontrollable Diarrhea McCoy: "Aw crap!"

 

[Shatmandu]

Carl: "How much you give me for a night with Kirk? It's do-able."
<Klingons turn and look at him.>
Carl: "Imagine the stories you could tell, as you sit around the fire and eat yo' young, or whatever-the-fuck it is you people do. Think about it."

 

[Captain Crow]

Kirk: Spock who are these people?

Spock: Captain you are aware of Starfleet's budget cutting measures that forced us to layoff 75% of the the crew?

Kirk: Yes.

Spock: Well I was able to find a cheaper crew.

Kirk: How did you do that?

Spock: I hired some guys that where standing in front of Home Depot.

 

[Shatmandu]

TAS jumped the shark when it had Spock's two long-lost Klingon cousins, both named Olivaugh, come to live on the Enterprise for a summer.

Wriggling one hand free, Kirk had a choice: reach for his phaser or scratch his nuts.

 

[Rat Boy]

Carl Spock: "There be no smiling in pictures with the Carl. If Carl doesn't feel like smiling, Carl doesn't smile and neither does anyone else. You dig?"

 

[Captain Crow]

Kirk: Frankly Spock your ventriloquitst act sucks.

Spock: What do you mean?

Kirk: First off I can see you mouth move. Second the fake hands you used to make it look like your leaning on the dumbies are the wrong color and two sizes to small.

Carl Spock: Just call me "White Chocolate".

Klingon on left in very deep voice:YEAH!