Here's the information: She doesn't want to.
Here's what you do with that information: Talk to someone else.
Damn. I should charge money for this stuff.
Strangest Rejections....
- Thread starter Tribble puncher
- Start date
Here's the information: She doesn't want to.
Here's what you do with that information: Talk to someone else.
Damn. I should charge money for this stuff.
And imagine if she were REALLY honest?
"So, wanna go grab a drink?"
"No. You're very fat and I like guys who take care of themselves. Also, your kind of ugly. I mean, even if you got in shape I'm still pretty sure you'd be ugly. But you never know, right? Good luck in life!"
I'd feel pretty awkward, especially if it was someone I was rejecting right off the bat. If it's someone I had been dating for awhile, it might be a little different. But there isn't a great way to tell someone that you find them unattractive, and I'd be really put off if they kept badgering me for details or reasons. I'd probably just try to be vague and say that I didn't think we were compatible or something.
Then it's just desperate. And she is still very likely to not wanna participate, fearing she'd just be creating a stalker. "Look, I've changed for YOU! (and/or other women who are exactly like you)"
So you want them to give you info, but not info that is undiplomatic in your opinion. And if you ask you should be answered. Sorry but from what you say here you sound like a lot of hard work.
99% of rejections is just someone is not attracted to you. It's not like any of that can be fixed, it just is.
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I'm sorry, I wasn't aware there were people who wanted to be told they were ugly, in so many words... I mean really, when people ask questions who -doesn't- want diplomatic answers?
I think answering questions in general is the courteous thing to do, but note that I'm calling it -courteous-, not saying it's an -obligation- or that anyone is -entitled- to an answer.
If it's info I could possibly use to better myself, then yes, I think that would be wonderful to have.
Anyway, I never claimed I wasn't hard work.
I was once asked how I've survived being single as long as I have, and I replied that every time I had the possibility of a relationship I think I would have ultimately ended up worse off if I'd pursued it.
Oh, and to be clear, I'm a gay male, so rejections from women are pretty much out of scope for me, for anyone who's making this gender-specific.
I once had a friend drop a multi-year friendship with me via a single email and claim that she'd tell me what I'd done wrong, but that I'd just claim I'd been joking at the time. Well you know what? I'd probably claim I was just joking at the time because -I was joking at the time-, and if she'd ever bothered to say, "I really don't appreciate those types of jokes, any chance you could knock it off?" then I'd have worked for that because we had an awesome friendship and losing some jokes isn't a big loss. However, I was left with nothing I could work with except the ridiculous idea that I should never joke about anything ever again.
I think answering questions in general is the courteous thing to do, but note that I'm calling it -courteous-, not saying it's an -obligation- or that anyone is -entitled- to an answer.
If it's info I could possibly use to better myself, then yes, I think that would be wonderful to have.
Anyway, I never claimed I wasn't hard work.
I was once asked how I've survived being single as long as I have, and I replied that every time I had the possibility of a relationship I think I would have ultimately ended up worse off if I'd pursued it.Oh, and to be clear, I'm a gay male, so rejections from women are pretty much out of scope for me, for anyone who's making this gender-specific.
I once had a friend drop a multi-year friendship with me via a single email and claim that she'd tell me what I'd done wrong, but that I'd just claim I'd been joking at the time. Well you know what? I'd probably claim I was just joking at the time because -I was joking at the time-, and if she'd ever bothered to say, "I really don't appreciate those types of jokes, any chance you could knock it off?" then I'd have worked for that because we had an awesome friendship and losing some jokes isn't a big loss. However, I was left with nothing I could work with except the ridiculous idea that I should never joke about anything ever again.
Wait, so if a guy asks me out, I politely decline, and he asks me why, what am I supposed to say (if the reason is that I find him unattractive)? Weren't you one of the people saying earlier in the thread that people need to say what they mean or be honest or something?
Honesty isn't a black-and-white matter.
When it comes to physical beauty I'm content to say or hear, "You're not really my type," because everyone has types and sometimes that's just how things work out. Obviously such a vaguely-worded explanation works for non-physical reasons as well. It's disappointingly vague, but it's hard to argue with it, and it's certainly more polite than, "You're fucking horrible-looking."
Also I never said that people -need- to say anything, and it would be great if people would stop implying that I did. If you're not comfortable getting into the details, don't get into the details. I'm sure most people will respect that. I know I would, even if I resented it at the same time. But then, rejection's rarely a happy scenario in any case, and if you're rejecting me, then why should it matter if I'm resentful anyway?
When it comes to physical beauty I'm content to say or hear, "You're not really my type," because everyone has types and sometimes that's just how things work out. Obviously such a vaguely-worded explanation works for non-physical reasons as well. It's disappointingly vague, but it's hard to argue with it, and it's certainly more polite than, "You're fucking horrible-looking."
Also I never said that people -need- to say anything, and it would be great if people would stop implying that I did. If you're not comfortable getting into the details, don't get into the details. I'm sure most people will respect that. I know I would, even if I resented it at the same time. But then, rejection's rarely a happy scenario in any case, and if you're rejecting me, then why should it matter if I'm resentful anyway?
You said that it would be the polite and courteous thing to do. I guess I don't really see what you're getting at, because like you said, rejection is not going to be a happy scenario. I just don't think most people are going to genuinely want honest feedback of any sort, or use it constructively. And saying "you're not my type" is pretty useless because that much is obvious when you're rejected. And like teacake said, the majority of rejections are going to be because the person isn't attracted to you.
I'm not most people, and I'm content not to be. If there's any chance I can glean some useful information from a rejection (without being an ass about it), I'd like to have said information.
I entirely agree that "You're not my type" is pretty useless, but by the same token it allows for a (more) graceful exit.
The people I rejected were, for the most part: too young, too stupid, too far away... whether I was physically attracted to them was rarely the issue.
That said, my "relationship patterns" are probably a bit atypical too. I won't pretend I'm happy about that, but it is what it is.
I entirely agree that "You're not my type" is pretty useless, but by the same token it allows for a (more) graceful exit.
The people I rejected were, for the most part: too young, too stupid, too far away... whether I was physically attracted to them was rarely the issue.
That said, my "relationship patterns" are probably a bit atypical too. I won't pretend I'm happy about that, but it is what it is.
I can kind of see where you're coming from. I think it would apply if you spent some great amount of time with the person and then they decide you're not their "cup of tea" or vice versa they aren't yours... then it would be nice to know why it didn't work.
But if it's one of those situations like if a guy I didn't know (or knew) walked up to me and said "Hey Miss Lady, I think you're cute. What's your number...."or some other lame pick up line And if I say "No, thank you" or whatever. I don't owe him an explanation over anything.
Nothing worse than people trolling for explanations. One would think that when a girl who has the sweetest guy for a boyfriend asks you to coffee that's all she means, right? So when it became clear after hanging a few times that she wanted more than friendship (she was really fun to be friends with), I switched it up to being kind of a dick, which then resulted in a "take me!" e-mail. I was pissed and wrote back with a clearer, more definitive no, along with a take-down of all the reasons she thought I may've had for rejecting her: as in, it wasn't because she had a boyfriend, I was religious, or whatever else. I said it was because I liked a challenge. Real reason? Weird teeth, kind of a BO.
Case 2. Ever have fun flirting with someone but don't really wanna pursue a relationship? You're coincidentally friends through someone, you don't wanna outright say no to "hanging out" 'cause, what's wrong with hanging out? But you go out of your way to make it nothing like a date. Sit down for coffee instead of drinks, gossip about mutual friends etc.. So when she finally brings it up, I find myself awkwardly struggling through this really depressing line of reasoning about how I'm just lazy to grasp at life..
I swear, I should just stop going for coffee.
Case 2. Ever have fun flirting with someone but don't really wanna pursue a relationship? You're coincidentally friends through someone, you don't wanna outright say no to "hanging out" 'cause, what's wrong with hanging out? But you go out of your way to make it nothing like a date. Sit down for coffee instead of drinks, gossip about mutual friends etc.. So when she finally brings it up, I find myself awkwardly struggling through this really depressing line of reasoning about how I'm just lazy to grasp at life..
I swear, I should just stop going for coffee.
Makes sense to me.
And, overly needy if solicited!
If someone asked me out and I said no and they said "please tell me why" I would probably instantly be squicked and actively avoid them. It sounds like you are arguing with the "no" and there's the real fear that I'd have to listen to explanations or promises or some other negotiations to make me stop saying no.
