Stargate's The Destiny
- Thread starter KJbushway
- Start date
I'd like to continue, but there are a few things.
You started in past tense and then switched into present almost in mid-sentence. Generally, present is not a good idea to write a story, past tense sounds more natural.
I also get confused by these parts written in italics. Sometimes narration gets there too, not only characters' thoughts.
Showing points of view of different characters is good, but not switching in one paragraph--this is confusing (at least, it terribly confuses me to a point I don't know what I'm reading). I suggest to stick with one character's POV for a chapter/section. It is clearer then.
And you often forget about full stops at ends of sentences
Otherwise, it starts interestingly. I will keep reading to know where you take it
You started in past tense and then switched into present almost in mid-sentence. Generally, present is not a good idea to write a story, past tense sounds more natural.
I also get confused by these parts written in italics. Sometimes narration gets there too, not only characters' thoughts.
Showing points of view of different characters is good, but not switching in one paragraph--this is confusing (at least, it terribly confuses me to a point I don't know what I'm reading). I suggest to stick with one character's POV for a chapter/section. It is clearer then.
And you often forget about full stops at ends of sentences
Otherwise, it starts interestingly. I will keep reading to know where you take it
Still haven't heard anything from either of the teams and I am still stuck on the bridge with Rush. Though I worry about Eli, my mind can't help but think of sleep. I can't think about sleep, I have to be a good commander. I can't let those people down again.
"Colonel". the radio springs to life.
"Good ahead"
"This is Scott, Sir, We have found no trace of Eli's Body so far".
A bit of good news in a way, means that he didn't die a horable death due to low life support.
"but Sir, Greer's team found a keno in the Chair control interface room." As the sound of that Rush stops what he is doing and picks up his radio.
"Scott, this is Rush, don't touch anything I will be right there"
The colonel takes his turn with the radio now.
"Scott, I will be there as well. Hopefully this solves a mystery"
Rush makes it down there before the Colonel by running. When the Colonel comes in Rush is already checking the logs for the chair. The keno sitting right next to him.
" Report"
Scott comes into view.
"Colonel, he hasn't let us touch anything, he hasn't even spoken."
Rush looks up " I haven't said anything becuase the computer hasn't reported anything yet." I don't see any indication of a program being uploaded so far"
The computer starts beeping. Rush looks down and actually looks confused.
"Well, Rush what is the news"?
Rush doesn't say anything as if he didn't hear the colonel.
"Rush!"
"Hold on Colonel." Contuines pressing buttons and reading information.
"Well, I can tell you that there is added information to the computer"
So Eli is in the computer. Well, now he can be with Gin.
"So, he is in the computer?" Scott asks before the Colonel could form the words.
"From what I can tell, no" Rush states with a bit of sadness. His eyes widden. He picks up his radio.
"T.J, this is Rush, you might want to come to the Chair control interface room".
He isn't going to go sit in the chair is he?
"Rush what is it?"
Before he could answer T.J comes into the room at a jog. "What is the problem?"
"Well, see for yourself." Rush states with a slit grin on his face.
"Colonel". the radio springs to life.
"Good ahead"
"This is Scott, Sir, We have found no trace of Eli's Body so far".
A bit of good news in a way, means that he didn't die a horable death due to low life support.
"but Sir, Greer's team found a keno in the Chair control interface room." As the sound of that Rush stops what he is doing and picks up his radio.
"Scott, this is Rush, don't touch anything I will be right there"
The colonel takes his turn with the radio now.
"Scott, I will be there as well. Hopefully this solves a mystery"
Rush makes it down there before the Colonel by running. When the Colonel comes in Rush is already checking the logs for the chair. The keno sitting right next to him.
" Report"
Scott comes into view.
"Colonel, he hasn't let us touch anything, he hasn't even spoken."
Rush looks up " I haven't said anything becuase the computer hasn't reported anything yet." I don't see any indication of a program being uploaded so far"
The computer starts beeping. Rush looks down and actually looks confused.
"Well, Rush what is the news"?
Rush doesn't say anything as if he didn't hear the colonel.
"Rush!"
"Hold on Colonel." Contuines pressing buttons and reading information.
"Well, I can tell you that there is added information to the computer"
So Eli is in the computer. Well, now he can be with Gin.
"So, he is in the computer?" Scott asks before the Colonel could form the words.
"From what I can tell, no" Rush states with a bit of sadness. His eyes widden. He picks up his radio.
"T.J, this is Rush, you might want to come to the Chair control interface room".
He isn't going to go sit in the chair is he?
"Rush what is it?"
Before he could answer T.J comes into the room at a jog. "What is the problem?"
"Well, see for yourself." Rush states with a slit grin on his face.
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T.J looks at the screen and smiles, with tears of joy coming down her face. She keeps reading and at the end she bursts in sobs and laughter.
What's her issue. Why is she crying and smiling. Is Eli in there? Are they seeing his program? What interesting about....
"Colonel Young!" Rush shouts interupting Young's thoughts.
"What?"
Before Rush can answer T.J says with a smile on her face, " The rest of the our descendants database its here", She pauses trying to hold back her emotions," The cure for LS is in it".
I can't believe it, T.J is going to live. I stopped myself from thinking about the impending death of the woman I still care much about. The woman who cared our child and who I apparently ended up with. I want to hug her, but thats not professional.
"Thats some better news"
"Now comes the next question"
"How did it get here?" Greer says.
"Thats a good question, but the first mystery is still here." Rush pauses for a second, " Where is Eli "?
"Well we searched all decks" Scott says standing next to Greer, " We didn't find his body, we should be able to wake up the rest of the crew."
" I know you want to be with Chloe again Scott but we need to get supplies first in order to feed these people"
"Sorry Sir" Scott says with worry on his face.
"Rush your with me to the bridge"
The rest of you search the ship for things we can use to gather supplies".
What's her issue. Why is she crying and smiling. Is Eli in there? Are they seeing his program? What interesting about....
"Colonel Young!" Rush shouts interupting Young's thoughts.
"What?"
Before Rush can answer T.J says with a smile on her face, " The rest of the our descendants database its here", She pauses trying to hold back her emotions," The cure for LS is in it".
I can't believe it, T.J is going to live. I stopped myself from thinking about the impending death of the woman I still care much about. The woman who cared our child and who I apparently ended up with. I want to hug her, but thats not professional.
"Thats some better news"
"Now comes the next question"
"How did it get here?" Greer says.
"Thats a good question, but the first mystery is still here." Rush pauses for a second, " Where is Eli "?
"Well we searched all decks" Scott says standing next to Greer, " We didn't find his body, we should be able to wake up the rest of the crew."
" I know you want to be with Chloe again Scott but we need to get supplies first in order to feed these people"
"Sorry Sir" Scott says with worry on his face.
"Rush your with me to the bridge"
The rest of you search the ship for things we can use to gather supplies".
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"Rush drop us out of FTL and see what we have ahead of us."
The ship comes out of FTL at the tail end of a solar system. With an asteriod field blocking their view. The sun barely shining, its too small for Destiny to re-charge in but thats ok power levels are high for what the ship can carry.
"Colonel, I don't have good news"
"Spit it out Rush"
"Well, we have three gates in range, but all three are locked out".
What are our options? We can't keep the crew asleep any longer we need supplies".
The ship comes out of FTL at the tail end of a solar system. With an asteriod field blocking their view. The sun barely shining, its too small for Destiny to re-charge in but thats ok power levels are high for what the ship can carry.
"Colonel, I don't have good news"
"Spit it out Rush"
"Well, we have three gates in range, but all three are locked out".
What are our options? We can't keep the crew asleep any longer we need supplies".
I'm still bothered by the Present Tense. Otherwise, keep going
"Thats a good question, but the first mystery is still here." Rush paused for a second, " Where is Eli "?
"Well we searched all decks," Scott said standing next to Greer, " We didn't find his body, we should be able to wake up the rest of the crew."
" I know you want to be with Chloe again Scott but we need to get supplies first in order to feed these people."
"Sorry Sir" Scott said with worry on his face.
____
Stories are usually told in past tense.
Sorry, I don't mean to be picky, but it really sounds weird to me and kinda kicks me out of the story and drags attention to grammar, instead of the action.
She did in her example, where she changed "Scott Says" to "Scot Said"
Dialog can be present tense. "I need you to do blah blah blah"
Narrative should be past tense. Colonel Young went to the bridge to find Rush.
Even writing from a first person point of view, the narrative is still past tense. I went to the bridge to find Rush.
The reason this is typically past tense, is because you are kind of telling a story that has already happened.
Dialog can be present tense. "I need you to do blah blah blah"
Narrative should be past tense. Colonel Young went to the bridge to find Rush.
Even writing from a first person point of view, the narrative is still past tense. I went to the bridge to find Rush.
The reason this is typically past tense, is because you are kind of telling a story that has already happened.
I used underline and italics to mark the words, but I can see that especially italics aren't visible. Should have made a note, sorry.
Anyway, looking forward to seeing more of it
Anyway, looking forward to seeing more of it
"Scott. Come in."
"Sir?"
''Get some kenos from Eli's room, I'll explain why once you get here to the gate room"
"Got it, be there in a sec" Scott said, his tone un-easy.
"Greer"
"Yes Sir?"
"Get here to the gate room with the rest of the search teams"
Scott came in seconds after Greer and the rest of the teams. Three Kenos in hand Scott asked "Ok Sir, whats this about?"
Rush spoke up before Colonel Young could, " We have three planets that are locked out, but we need supplies."
"We can't afford the time nor the power supply to keep the rest of the crew frozen." Rush said with a bit of annoyance on his voice.
"So we are sending Kenos to find out what why these planets are out of commission?" Scott said.
"Your right Sergeant, we have no other option."
"OK. Rush dial the first planet"
"Sir?"
''Get some kenos from Eli's room, I'll explain why once you get here to the gate room"
"Got it, be there in a sec" Scott said, his tone un-easy.
"Greer"
"Yes Sir?"
"Get here to the gate room with the rest of the search teams"
Scott came in seconds after Greer and the rest of the teams. Three Kenos in hand Scott asked "Ok Sir, whats this about?"
Rush spoke up before Colonel Young could, " We have three planets that are locked out, but we need supplies."
"We can't afford the time nor the power supply to keep the rest of the crew frozen." Rush said with a bit of annoyance on his voice.
"So we are sending Kenos to find out what why these planets are out of commission?" Scott said.
"Your right Sergeant, we have no other option."
"OK. Rush dial the first planet"
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