Star Trek: Journey On

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Dashiell Mirai, Nov 21, 2017.

  1. Dashiell Mirai

    Dashiell Mirai Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2017
    Thanks for the advice. I'm just in that place that most writers seem to get in where they become most insecure about their work. I've only just taken the concept of Journey On from my mind into its full reality, and I'm worrying that it's not nearly as good as I thought it was going to be. This happens every time I write a story, but it seems to be kicking in extra hard this time around. Perhaps that's because I'm publishing everything, or because it's Star Trek and has a lot to live up to. Anyway, sorry for dumping my insecurities on you. I'll have the first episode screenplay done quite soon.
     
  2. Dashiell Mirai

    Dashiell Mirai Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2017
    Ok! So, at long last, the script for the first episode, The Final Frontier, is complete! I have, as I just said, a lot of worries about this one. The first of which being that I don't know how to write screenplays. I literally just accomplished this with a couple trips to WikiHow, so my formatting is definitely off. Second of all, the stakes end up being disappointingly low. The conflict is introduced and resolved, just like that. This episode was intended to set up suspense and character development for future episodes, which is a valid goal, but it makes for a lousy pilot. But I don't know how to fix it without ripping off any other Star Trek series.

    Ok. Here it is. The Final Frontier.


    FADE IN:


    WINDOW VIEW OF EARTH - DAY


    A view of Earth, too close up to show the whole sphere. Displays Africa, Europe, and eastern Asia, set at an angle from a map view.


    ZOOM OUT:

    INT. FEDERATION TRANSPORT, DIMLY LIT


    This view is through a window that CAPTAIN ANYA SHREVE (45, multi-ethnic, tan skin, dark brown hair.) is looking through. She puts her hand on the glass, and smiles. The smile is neither happy, nor particularly sad. A door opens O. S., and the camera goes wide enough for both of them. CADET P'NEL steps towards her. She continues looking out the window.


    SHREVE

    You know, it's always been hard for me to picture how small things really are from up here. Those mountains that I climbed as a little girl?


    She points to a spot in the window.


    SHREVE

    That's them, right… there. That snowy little patch.


    She steps back a little.


    SHREVE

    They always seemed like the biggest things in the world when I was small.


    She turns to P'NEL, smiles.


    SHREVE

    Have you ever experienced that yourself, Cadet? Seeing Vulcan just… hanging in the sky like that, doesn't it stir a little something in you?


    P'NEL

    I was not sent here to discuss my emotions. I was sent here to bring you to the observation lounge.


    She shrugs.


    SHREVE

    Well, that figures. Lead the way, cadet.


    She gestures to the door. They both exit, the door closes.


    GOES WIDE, PANS TO THE DOOR.

    FADE OUT.



    FADE IN:

    INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

    There is a large picture window with a shade over it overlooking the spacedock, with several smaller ones on other walls looking out into space. There are several chairs, and a replicator in the wall. The door opens, and ANYA SHREVE and P'NEL step through. She continues in, while P'NEL stands at the door. ADMIRAL MORIANNE (74, averagely pale skin, greying black hair) is sitting on a chair on the other side of the room. ANYA stands in front of him.


    SHREVE

    Admiral Morianne.


    MORIANNE

    At ease, captain. Here, why don't you take a seat?


    She sits down, we TRACK.


    MORIANNE

    Would you like something to drink?


    He smiles.


    MORIANNE

    Perhaps some champagne would be in order for Starfleet's finest.


    She smiles and chuckles quietly.


    SHREVE

    I appreciate the offer, but I could do with some tea.


    MORIANNE

    If you say so. Computer!


    SHREVE

    Tea, vanilla Ceylon, chilled.


    A glass of tea appears in the replicator. She takes it and sips from it, than makes a slightly disapproving face.


    SHREVE

    Mm. Definitely doesn't measure up to the real thing.


    MORIANNE

    Well, I suppose you'll have to get used to replicated food all over again. You'll be away from Earth for a long time, you know.


    SHREVE

    I'll live.


    PAN to the door opening.

    Captains MORET KAHLYA (Bolian, blue skin, 55 years old, stocky build) and BYRON CORTES (65 years old, human, grey buzz-cut hair) step through.


    MORIANNE

    Ah, there you two are. Come, join us.


    KAHLYA sits down, CORTES remains standing.


    MORIANNE

    At ease, Cortes. Although that never did mean anything to you, did it?


    SHREVE and KAHLYA suppress a smile. CORTES suppresses a glare, then sits down stiffly.


    MORIANNE

    Well!


    He spreads his arms.


    MORIANNE

    Here we are. Starfleet's top picks for the most important mission of the decade! And here are your ships! Computer, lower the shade.


    The shade lowers, to reveal three sleek starships moored in the spacedock. Maintenance teams can be seen working on it. The three captains look at the view in awe.


    SHREVE

    Oh, now that is a beautiful sight.


    KAHLYA

    Don't tell me you didn't look over the schematics.


    SHREVE

    Of course I did. But nothing’s like the real thing, wouldn't you agree?


    KAHLYA

    I suppose I would.


    CORTES

    It is much smaller than the USS Khitomer.


    KAHLYA

    I fail to see how its size compared to your last command matters.


    MORIANNE

    No matter. I'm proud of each and every one of you.


    PAN to each captain as they are mentioned


    MORIANNE

    You, Cortes, I remember when we were at the Academy together. I'm surprised you're not an admiral yet, although I shouldn't be. You always preferred the front lines, didn't you, Byron?

    And you, Moret, you were the proudest pupil I ever had. I can still remember the look on your face when you graduated as valedictorian.

    As for you, Anya, it seems like only yesterday that you came into the infirmary, nursing a black eye. It was, er, Johnny O'Dell who gave you that, wasn't it?


    SHREVE

    He's Commander O'Dell now.


    MORIANNE smiles.


    MORIANNE

    I suppose he is, yes. And you've learned to choose your battles.

    You all have.


    A moment's pause. Then MORIANNE claps his hands together.


    MORIANNE

    Well. Shall I escort the captains Shreve, Kahlya, and Cortes to the reception?


    CORTES

    I suppose.


    TRACKING as they leave through the door, ZOOM OUT slightly.

    FADE OUT.


    FADE IN:

    RECEPTION HALL at the spacedock. It is a long, ballroom-like room, filled with people, and has a stage at the front. The senior officers are seated in the front rows. Admiral MORIANNE, CAPTAIN SHREVE, CAPTAIN KAHLYA, and CAPTAIN CORTES are standing on the stage.

    TRACK as Admiral MORIANNE walks to a lectern with the United Federation of Planets crest on it at the front of the stage.

    MORIANNE

    Well. We would've held this reception in one of the mess halls, but we'd've had to start stacking people on top of each other.


    The crowd laughs.


    MORIANNE

    In any case, I'm proud of you all.


    PAN over the crowd.


    MORIANNE

    Each and every one of you.


    CUT back to MORIANNE


    MORIANNE

    This is the most anticipated, prestigious mission the Federation's undertaken since… well, since the Enterprise-D left spacedock. And you're all a part of it. You're all going to advance the Federation's horizons in ways we can't measure, and in ways we can. And I'd like to welcome someone who knows all about advancing the Federation's horizons: Admiral Kathryn Janeway.


    The audience applauds.

    TRACK as JANEWAY walks onto the stage and takes the lectern. She waits for the audience to quiet.


    JANEWAY

    From here, it seems that there's quite a lot of you. A lot more than we had on Voyager. I understand, we can be quite the act to follow.


    The audience laughs quietly.


    JANEWAY

    This mission won't be easy. I should know, my crew and I first took the steps you'll be retracing. We made quite the mess of the Delta Quadrant, and that's going to be only one of many obstacles you're going to have to face. But not only do we have one intelligent, valiant crew to face them, we have three. I'd like to introduce you to your senior staff. Will the officers I call please come to the stage?


    PAN over the audience, focusing on the front row.


    JANEWAY

    First, we have our helm crew, Ilya Vren, Tal Celes, and Ghanaar.


    ILYA VREN, TAL CELES, and GHANAAR step onto the stage. TRACK as they go from the front row to the stage.


    JANEWAY

    Then we have our intrepid science officers, Torel, Elizabeth Ayodele, and Malai.


    TOREL, ELIZABETH AYODELE, and MALAI walk onstage.


    JANEWAY

    Our Chief Medical Officers, Nirin, Callista Ven, and Arra Mien.


    NIRIN, CALLISTA VEN, and ARRA MIEN walk onstage.


    JANEWAY

    The Chiefs of Security, Dana Mendel, Esperanza Blackshear, and Keylar.


    DANA MENDEL, ESPERANZA BLACKSHEAR, and KEYLAR walk onstage.


    JANEWAY

    Our Chief Engineers, Eric Camden, Ryan Simmons, and Ilmar.


    ERIC CAMDEN, RYAN SIMMONS, and ILMAR walk onstage.


    JANEWAY

    Our brave first officers, Jelani Walker, Mirelli Jo'Kha, and D'Lan.


    JELANI WALKER, MIRELLI JO'KHA, and D'LAN walk onstage.


    JANEWAY

    And last, but most certainly not least, we have our wonderful captains, Moret Kahlya, Byron Cortes, and Anya Shreve.


    The CAPTAINS, who are already onstage, bow. Admiral Janeway claps, along with the audience. TRACK as Captain SHREVE comes up to the lectern.


    SHREVE

    I was debating a lot, and I do mean a lot, about how to begin this speech. After all, this'll be my third and most prestigious command. Well, third, if you don't count that one month on the USS Trafalgar.


    She looks back to COMMANDER D'LAN for a moment.


    SHREVE

    You remember that? Now that was a wild month. Oh, the Romulans were just livid...


    She turns back to face the audience, smiling.


    SHREVE

    Anyway. You all read the briefing. Well, most of you. I'm not going to bore you with re-stating all of that. And you've been told a million times about this mission's prestige, and how you'll be doing so much to advance our knowledge, our technology, and our culture. Trust me, you will be doing that, but you'll also be doing much, much more. Together, we'll discover new life, explore new places, fight together, laugh together, cry together. Every mission is so much more than the sum of its reports, and we'll have so much to tell. We're going to go places people have gone, but that's not at the core of our mission. What we're here to do, what we were born to do, is to go where no one has gone before.


    The audience applauds.

    ZOOM OUT slowly on the shot of the stage with all the senior staff.



    FADE IN:

    MAIN ENGINEERING of the Athena. It is a tall, cylindrical room with four levels, built around the warp engine. There are engineers climbing up and down ladders, going in and out of turbolifts, handing each other padds. Captain KAHLYA walks in at the base level, accompanied by Lieutenant Commander ILMAR.


    KAHLYA

    Report, Commander Ilmar.


    ILMAR

    Here we are.


    He spreads his arms, a padd in one hand.


    ILMAR

    Heart of the ship. Behold, the high-capacity warp drive.


    CUT to the engine room of the Ganesha, where the same conversation is being played out between Captain CORTES and Lieutenant Commander RYAN SIMMONS.


    CORTES

    Fascinating. I don't suppose you have the time to give me a tour, Commander Simmons?


    SIMMONS shakes her head.


    CUT to the engine room of the Thoth, where the same conversation is being played out between Captain SHREVE and Lieutenant Commander ERIC CAMDEN. Captain SHREVE follows him as he goes up a ladder.


    SHREVE

    Are you sure you couldn't use an extra hand, Mr. Camden? I took extension courses in advanced warp dynamics.


    He flexes his metal arm and wiggles his eyebrows.


    CAMDEN

    An extra hand? I'm lucky to have two!


    He bursts out laughing. The captain cracks a smile as well. Suddenly, a voice comes from the comms.


    COMPUTER (V.O.)

    We are on schedule to leave spacedock at 13:00 hours. All hands, please report to your posts.


    SHREVE

    Well. I suppose "all hands" includes the captain, doesn't it?


    CAMDEN

    That it does. In any case,


    He picks up a tool, and brandishes it.


    CAMDEN

    I have a high-capacity warp drive to get running.


    TRACK as CAPTAIN SHREVE exits Main Engineering.

    FADE OUT


    FADE IN:

    The BRIDGE of the GANESHA. The BRIDGE CREW (MORET KAHLYA, JELANI WALKER, ESPERANZA BLACKSHEAR, JAIYUNE, MALAI) is present.


    KAHLYA has a small charm clutched tightly in his hand, at his his side. He runs his thumb over it as he paces around the bridge.


    KAHLYA

    All stations, I need a status report. Are we prepared for departure?


    CUT to the BRIDGE of the ATHENA, where the BRIDGE CREW (BYRON CORTES, MIRELLI JO'KHA, DANA MENDEL, TOREL, ILYA VREN) is going through the same process. PAN to each crew member as they deliver their line.


    VREN

    Clear.


    TOREL

    All systems nominal.


    MENDEL

    All clear.


    MIRELLI

    Well. Ready when you are, captain.


    CUT to the BRIDGE of the THOTH, focusing on the captain. The BRIDGE CREW (ANYA SHREVE, D'LAN, KEYLAR, ELIZABETH AYODELE, KIRENY, GHANAAR) is present.


    SHREVE

    You know, I've really missed this.


    She takes a few deliberate steps forward.


    SHREVE

    Helm, lay in a course for Sector 5178, warp 9.


    A pause. Then, she brings her hand forward.


    SHREVE

    Engage.


    She brings two of her fingers together in a vague pointing gesture.

    CUT TO ALL THREE SHIPS JUMPING TO WARP

    FADE OUT


    ~


    FADE IN:

    SHOT OF THE STARFIELD AT WARP



    SHREVE (V.O.)

    Captain's log, stardate 56951.0. I would say that the mission's proceeding as planned, but the mission hasn't really started yet. Although, that won't be the case for much longer. We've nearly arrived at our starting line.


    CUT TO INT. READY ROOM OF THE THOTH


    The room is small and slightly cramped, with a desk, chair, and a small sofa against the wall.


    CAPTAIN SHREVE is sitting at her desk and tapping at a padd. The door opens, and COMMANDER D'LAN comes in.


    D'LAN

    Captain.


    SHREVE

    Ah, D'Lan. Have a seat. I’ve been bored to tears, maybe you’d like to play some chess?


    D'LAN

    I appreciate it, captain, but we have almost reached the edge of Sector 5178.


    CAPTAIN SHREVE smiles


    SHREVE

    Well! At long last. Lead the way, old friend.


    They walk onto the BRIDGE.

    CUT to them walking onto the bridge.


    SHREVE

    Helm, report.


    GHANAAR

    Sir, we're approaching the edge of Sector 5178.


    SHREVE

    Bring us out of warp.


    She walks to the front of the bridge.


    SHREVE

    There it is. The edge of Federation space.


    She turns to face her crew


    SHREVE

    Anybody bring their holo-imager?


    She turns back to the viewscreen.


    SHREVE

    Ladies and gentlemen, remember this moment. Mr. Ghanaar, set a course at 152 mark 713, inclination 0, warp 5. Engage.


    GHANAAR presses a button on his console. The command fails. He furrows his brow and tries again, to no avail.


    GHANAAR

    The engine won't respond.


    AYODELE

    Sir, we're being held by some sort of gravometric field.


    SHREVE

    Can you determine the source?


    AYODELE presses a few buttons on her console, then shakes his head.


    AYODELE

    Negative.


    SHREVE

    Status of the other two ships?


    KIRENY

    They're being held in a similar fashion.


    He puts a two fingers to his temple.


    KIRENY

    Jaiyune says they haven't been able to determine a source, either. Orders, sir?


    Suddenly, the shipwide Comm system starts emitting static sounds. Everyone looks up.


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    Greetings. I am the Kuratora. Gather your leaders, for I wish to speak with them.

    FADE OUT


    FADE IN:

    INT. THE MEETING ROOM OF THE THOTH.


    There is a rectangular table with chairs all around it, and a screen built into the wall at the head of the table

    The three captains are sitting around the table, with a comm unit sitting on the table.


    SHREVE

    I am Captain Anya Shreve of the Federation starship Thoth. We have done as you asked. What are you?


    KURATORA (V.O)

    As I have said, I am the Kuratora. I suppose what exactly I am would a bit… incomprehensible, to you.


    SHREVE

    Try.


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    I am of a race from the… fourth dimension.


    SHREVE

    Care to explain to us little 3-dimensional beings? Or would it be too incomprehensible?


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    I may be able to explain. Take, for example, a 2-dimensional picture. Imagine that there was a being living in it. This being would only be able to move along two axes, length and width. You could look in on them through, as your species puts it, a fourth wall. They would not even be aware that such a wall exists. Now, imagine that there is a fifth wall, in your reality. You are not aware of it, nor could you be, even if I spent an eternity explaining it to your greatest minds. We can look in on you through it.


    SHREVE

    It seems we've come across that brave new world sooner than thought. Are you the reason our ships are immobilized?


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    Yes.


    SHREVE

    Why?


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    I am a guard. Have you ever wondered why very few Alpha Quadrant worlds have encountered Delta Quadrant ships?


    SHREVE

    I always assumed it was a question of technological advancement versus distance.


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    That has been a factor, however, it was because I turned them away.


    SHREVE

    And by turned them away, you mean with force?


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    No. It has never been necessary.


    SHREVE

    Really.


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    I found that if I wait long enough with their ships immobilized, no matter how resilient they are to begin with, they always turn back.


    SHREVE

    Well. You'll have to wait a long time for us.


    FADE OUT



    FADE IN:

    MEETING ROOM OF THE THOTH


    KAHLYA

    Kuratora, this is Captain Moret Kahlya of the USS Ganesha. Are there any exceptions to your rule of exclusion?


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    There is. Would you permit me to scan your ships?


    CAPTAIN KAHLYA looks at CAPTAIN CORTES, who shakes his head.


    CORTES

    Kuratora. This is Captain Byron Cortes of the Federation starship Athena. Due to the fact that we do not know your intentions, we will not permit you to scan us.


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    Then you will never pass.


    KAHLYA

    Belay that. Captain Cortes, letting them scan us is our only hope for so much as starting on our mission.


    CORTES

    Captain Kahlya, this is unacceptable. I will not allow an alien entity with unknown intentions to scan us.


    KAHLYA

    And I would agree with you, in any other situation. But our mission is much too important. And their intentions look to be peaceful.


    SHREVE

    Oh, stop it. Both of you. You're Starfleet officers, you want to bicker, you do it across a long table and call it a debate.


    She directs her question towards the comm unit.


    SHREVE

    What are your intentions?


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    My intentions are none of your concern anymore. You have passed the first trial.


    CORTES

    First trial?


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    That is correct. I have posed the same question to ask ships that have came this way. Had you opted to just give up, you would have been giving up on a great chance for exploration. Had you threatened me, which others have done before, you would be displaying a hostility unsuited for space exploration. Had you submitted, that would have been displaying an undue naivete. The only right answer was to ask my motives.


    KAHLYA

    Surely we haven't been the first ones to ask you something so simple.


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    And you would be right. However, this first test exists as a simple barrier. You would be surprised how many species, equipped with only sub-impulse vehicles and their own xenophobia, would have stumbled into other species’ space and caused only harm and grief. Many still would have drained their reserves of both supplies and courage before reaching a habitable planet.


    CORTES

    So we are… free to pass?


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    That is correct. However, this was but the first trial. We gauged your intentions, and we deemed them pure. However, if you deviate from this path into one of destruction, you will not be allowed to proceed further.


    KAHLYA

    What does that entail?


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    That does not concern you at this moment.


    CORTES

    Answer the query, Kuratora.


    KURATORA (V.O.)

    Goodbye. We will be watching you.


    The comms system powers down. CAPTAIN CORTES slams his fist down on the table.


    CORTES

    Damn!


    FADE OUT


    FADE IN:

    A SHOT OF THE TRIAD AT WARP.


    SHREVE (V.O.)

    Captain’s log, stardate 56951.3. The crew is recovering quite well from our first encounter with the Kuratora. Starfleet Command has received our reports. But the Kuratora’s ominous warning has left a few crew members feeling… uneasy.


    CUT to a front-view TRACKING shot of DR. NIRIN and LIEUTENANT TOREL walking through the hallway to main engineering on the Thoth.


    NIRIN

    I tell you, this will not end well!


    TOREL

    Doctor, you have been saying that about everything.


    NIRIN

    This is different! Lieutenant, a creature from another dimension has left the pall of a threat just hanging over us, and you keep saying I’m being paranoid?


    TOREL

    Perhaps I keep saying that because I am correct.


    NIRIN

    You both amaze, frustrate, and disgust me simultaneously, Lieutenant.


    TOREL

    Duly noted. Now if you’ll excuse me, doctor, I have to repair the comms system. That “creature from another dimension”, as you put it, ruined it so badly they had to call in technicians from the entire Triad.


    They stop in front of the door to MAIN ENGINEERING


    NIRIN

    But you’re a science officer, not an engineer.


    TOREL quirks an eyebrow.


    TOREL

    Exactly.


    He steps through the door to MAIN ENGINEERING. PAN to a close shot of NIRIN’s mildly confused expression.

    CUT to the BRIDGE of the THOTH. CAPTAIN SHREVE walks onto the BRIDGE from her READY ROOM.


    SHREVE

    Mr. Ghanaar, set a course at… let’s see.


    She turns to an unnamed crewman working the Operations console.


    SHREVE

    Crewman. Where would you like to go?


    The CREWMAN smiles nervously.


    CREWMAN

    Well, sir, I was going through those maps that Voyager recovered, and I thought that the Tau Epsilon Gamma system looked good.


    SHREVE

    Tau Epsilon Gamma… isn’t that the one with planet made of solid diamond?


    CREWMAN

    Yes, sir.


    SHREVE

    Well! Helm, set a course for the Tau Epsilon Gamma system, 215 mark 796, inclination 0, warp six.


    ZOOM IN ON HER FACE.


    SHREVE

    Engage!


    CUT to the TRIAD going to warp. FADE OUT.
     
  3. Dashiell Mirai

    Dashiell Mirai Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2017
    Ok. I think we can all agree that was a trainwreck. I've formulated a theory that everyone simultaneously gave up on this series the instant they read that, and I wouldn't blame them. But I will continue to boldly go... back and revise my terrible rough drafts. More, better things coming very soon.

    Also, sidebar. This is going to sound stupidly needy, but perhaps someone could leave a reply sometime soon? I know you probably have a life, or just don't give a crap, but I run on feedback.
     
  4. Sgt_G

    Sgt_G Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2013
    Location:
    USA
    I wouldn't say it was a train wreck, but I will be honest: I didn't get very far in reading it. I hate script format. I can't stand reading it, especially when it's center-justified. The above isn't too bad, being left-justifed, but it's hard to distinguish between dialog and the director's instructions, and there's a ton of white space with all the extra line-feeds. Ergo, I put off reading more 'til this weekend. The little bit I did read made me want to "suffer" putting up with the format just to see where you're going with it.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2017
  5. Sgt_G

    Sgt_G Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2013
    Location:
    USA
    Okay, so I just read it. Still hate the format. Always have; always will. That said, it is off to a decent start, albeit with the unexpected twist. I kind of liked that twist.

    One line is out of character; when Janeway says "We made quite the mess of the Delta Quadrant" ... yes, she did. Oh yes. But do you really think she'd ever admit to that????

    As to the format, perhaps if it were a bit more like this:

    SHREVE: "You know, it's always been hard for me to picture how small things really are from up here. Those mountains that I climbed as a little girl?"
    -- She points to a spot in the window.

    SHREVE: "That's them, right… there. That snowy little patch."
    -- She steps back a little.

    It takes out all that dead space, and the quotes around dialog to make it stand out from the instruction text. I know a few somebodies who will disagree simply because it's not "proper script format", but I think this would be a lot more readable to the average person.
     
  6. CeJay

    CeJay Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2006
    I've followed some of what you've written here and really thought the concept was interesting. And I am impressed by the detail you've put into all these characters.

    However, I just can't get over the script format you've chosen, I'm afraid to say. Scripts are great as an instruction to create a piece of filmed entertainment, but just don't work that well to tell a story outside of that and they prevent a reader to really immerse themselves in the narrative.

    My suggestion would be to go prose, I think you stand a much better chance of getting a readership that way. If you manage to get this made into a movie/show/webisode/podcast/whatever, which in Trek is a long shot, you can always adapt it back into a script. Think of it this way: A lot of great stories have been adapted for the screen on the strength of their compelling narrative or characters. And many of those stories started out as novels first.
     
    SolarisOne, Sgt_G and Bry_Sinclair like this.
  7. Dulak

    Dulak Commander Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2007
    Location:
    Pacific NW
    Please, keep writing screenplay format! And tuck it away somewhere for later. I agree 100 percent with Cejay about going to prose in order to actually have people read your work and be entertained by it, and to allow you to really fully imagine the story.

    But keep the screenplays going, if only to garner practice in a form of writing that could lead to work, especially if you enjoy writing in it. I would suggest doing them in "spec" format instead of a shooting script, because it allows you a little more flexibility. And no one in the business is going to read a shooting script. (from my limited definitely outside knowledge and study...I am not claiming and kind of expert or professional status.)
     
  8. Dulak

    Dulak Commander Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2007
    Location:
    Pacific NW
    Now, I have also noticed (tell me if I'm wrong) that you seem to be strongly visually oriented, as in it's probably your primary representational system. I'm just inferring this because of your highly visual descriptions of your story idea (uniforms in great, explicit detail), and your choice to use the screenplay format.

    Have no fear, it's perfectly possible to write prose from a primary visual standpoint!
     
  9. Dashiell Mirai

    Dashiell Mirai Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2017
    Great jumping targs, this thread took off while I was asleep. Moral of the story? Never sleep.
    All joking aside, I normally write my stories in narrative format. I didn't know how to write screenplays at all before this, and therefore am not familiar at all with the intricacies and all that jazz. The reason I ended up writing it in script format was because I wanted to try something different, and despite it being a ridiculously long shot, I do want to pitch this to get it produced. Perhaps I've been watching too many motivational videos. Also, about the curiously large amount of dead space, that was an odd little thing that happened when I copied and pasted it into the forum editor from Google docs. For every place I hit enter, it doubled the amount of space between lines. I agree that it's a complete pain in the ass to read, but I've already picked and pecked and hemmed and hawed over this episode as is. I'm moving on, whether the format is screwed or not. But if I feel the need, I may write other episodes in novelization or prose form. As for the story, I consider this a tiny bit worse than Encounter at Farpoint. But if you're wondering where all that narrative tension is going, never fear! It's a two-parter. I'm going to post the two in quick succession, as a sort of "premiere" event. Ok, Dashiell "Wall of Text" Mirai is out. To write more hideous screenplay. (What? I already started on them.)
     
    Bry_Sinclair likes this.
  10. Sgt_G

    Sgt_G Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2013
    Location:
    USA
    Some programs / web sites make the ENTER key a <carriage return> plus a <line feed>, where others make it a <paragraph> mark that combines the two into one mark. You just have to figure out which is which, and then figure out what to edit with a "global search/replace" command.

    See this topic: https://www.trekbbs.com/threads/how-to-format-for-uploads.223675/ This site upgraded / changed the BBS software since that topic was opened, so I'm not sure it's accurate anymore.
    Cool. Can't wait to see where it goes. I've got my own project and not enough time to work on them, but I'm willing to read some more of yours. Still hate to format, but if you can tweak it a little, I'll hang in there for now.
     
  11. Bry_Sinclair

    Bry_Sinclair Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2009
    Location:
    The glorious Shetland Isles!
    I was hoping to get this read at the weekend but a mammoth Star Wars binge and baking session (first ever panettone seems to be going down a treat) scuppered that plans. Will hopefully get to it later today or tomorrow.

    Well done to you for trying something different. I've tried writing in script format once and found it such an alien landscape that I daren't try it again. I suppose the more you tried it the more used you'd get to writing it.

    I wish you luck with that, though I suspect it's an extremely difficult niche to break into.
     
  12. SolarisOne

    SolarisOne Commander Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2016
    I have to agree. I've been lurking on this thread ever since @Dashiell Mirai first posted it, but when I came to the actual script, I went "nope". I'd rather see a Wall of Text™ than that.

    One has to realize that attention spans on the Internet are rather short, and if a reader is distracted by formatting, they're very likely going to find something else to do with their time.

    (For the record, I don't even read prose on here -- I copy it to my Kindle so I can pay better attention to it, but I don't think there's any way I could format the above script where it would work.)
     
  13. Dashiell Mirai

    Dashiell Mirai Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2017
    Well, heck. I'll try to solve the spacing issue, but I've already written the first and most of the second episode in shooting script format. I'll definitely take this under consideration when writing future episodes, but just warning you, the first two are gonna be scripts. Also, check out my snazzy new sig! Whaddaya think?
     
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  14. Bry_Sinclair

    Bry_Sinclair Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2009
    Location:
    The glorious Shetland Isles!
    Just finished reading through your first episode and there is definite potential for an interesting set up. There are a few points you might want to keep in mind moving forward:
    1. Think about who is in charge of the trio:- You have three equal ships heading out on a mission away from Starfleet support and command, but one of those ship Captains would be placed in overall charge of the mission (I'd assume Captain Cortes as the oldest and most experienced, but that would be up to you)
    2. Flesh them out:- Aside from the three Captains we don't see much of the other crews and they're not given much by way of development (in a script format this would be through dialogue as opposed to getting inside their heads in prose-style), so without reading the character blurbs you supplied things like the telepathically linked twins seem a little confusing. This kinda leads onto:
    3. Less might be more:- Whilst very admirable that you want to take on three separate crews, if you focused in more on one as the 'main cast' and had the other two ships as supporting characters (like all the wonderful recurring characters we got on DS9) then you might be able to develop the main stars more fully and still have lots of other characters that we come to know and love in addition to the heroes of the story

    I hope that gives you something to think about in future stories.
     
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  15. Dashiell Mirai

    Dashiell Mirai Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2017
    Ok, so, first of all, Captain Shreve is the overall commander on this mission. The Thoth has the most powerful subspace antenna on it, so the three ships have to rendezvous before sending their mission reports to Starfleet Command. Secondly, about the large cast of character

    Yes! At last! I found a way to get rid of the spacing issue! Of course, it's still a script, but, y'know, what can I do. I've changed the plot and the stakes, and some of the personalities and crew postings. It's a story to make you say, "Hey, that's mildly adequate." I hope it's not too big of a "nope" now that I've changed some things. Part two is going up tomorrow!

    THE FINAL FRONTIER- PART 1.

    FADE IN:

    WINDOW VIEW OF EARTH - DAY

    A view of Earth, too close up to show the whole sphere. Displays Africa, Europe, and eastern Asia, set at an angle from a map view.

    ZOOM OUT:
    INT. FEDERATION TRANSPORT, DIMLY LIT

    This view is through a window that CAPTAIN ANYA SHREVE (45, multi-ethnic, tan skin, dark brown hair.) is looking through. She puts her hand on the glass, and smiles. The smile is neither happy, nor particularly sad. A door opens O. S., and the camera goes wide enough for both of them. CADET P'NEL steps towards her. She continues looking out the window.

    SHREVE
    You know, it's always been hard for me to picture how small things really are from up here. Those mountains that I climbed as a little girl?

    She points to a spot in the window.

    SHREVE
    That's them, right… there. That snowy little patch.

    She steps back a little.

    SHREVE
    They always seemed like the biggest things in the world when I was small.

    She turns to P'NEL, smiles.

    SHREVE
    Have you ever experienced that yourself, Cadet? Seeing Vulcan just… hanging in the sky like that, doesn't it stir a little something in you?

    P'NEL
    I was not sent here to discuss my emotions. I was sent here to bring you to the observation lounge, sir.

    She shrugs.

    SHREVE
    Well, that figures. Lead the way, cadet.

    She gestures to the door. They both exit, the door closes.

    GOES WIDE, PANS TO THE DOOR.
    FADE OUT.


    FADE IN:
    INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

    There is a large picture window with a shade over it overlooking the spacedock, with several smaller ones on other walls looking out into space. There are several chairs, and a replicator in the wall. The door opens, and ANYA SHREVE and P'NEL step through. She continues in, while P'NEL stands at the door. ADMIRAL MORIANNE (74, averagely pale skin, greying black hair) is sitting on a chair on the other side of the room. ANYA stands in front of him.

    SHREVE
    Admiral Morianne.

    MORIANNE
    At ease, captain. Here, why don't you take a seat?

    She sits down, we TRACK.

    MORIANNE
    Would you like something to drink?

    He smiles.

    MORIANNE
    Perhaps some champagne would be in order for Starfleet's finest.

    She smiles and chuckles quietly.

    SHREVE
    I appreciate the offer, but I could really do with some tea.

    MORIANNE
    If you say so. Computer!

    SHREVE
    Tea, vanilla Ceylon, chilled.

    A glass of tea appears in the replicator. She takes it and sips from it, than makes a slightly disapproving face.

    SHREVE
    Mm. Definitely doesn't measure up to the real thing.

    MORIANNE
    Well, I suppose you'll have to get used to replicated food all over again. You'll be away from Earth for a long time, you know.

    SHREVE
    I'll live.

    PAN to the door opening.
    Captains MORET KAHLYA (Bolian, blue skin, 55 years old, stocky build) and BYRON CORTES (65 years old, human, grey buzz-cut hair) step through.

    MORIANNE
    Ah, there you two are. Come, join us.

    KAHLYA sits down, CORTES remains standing.

    MORIANNE
    At ease, Cortes. Although that never did mean anything to you, did it?

    SHREVE and KAHLYA suppress a smile. CORTES suppresses a glare, then sits down stiffly.

    MORIANNE
    Well!

    He spreads his arms.

    MORIANNE
    Here we are. Starfleet's top picks for the most important mission of the decade! And here are your ships! Computer, lower the shade.

    The shade lowers, to reveal three sleek starships moored in the spacedock. Maintenance teams can be seen working on it. The three captains look at the view in awe.

    SHREVE
    Oh, now that is a beautiful sight.

    KAHLYA
    Don't tell me you didn't look over the schematics.

    SHREVE
    Of course I did. But nothing’s like the real thing, wouldn't you agree?

    KAHLYA
    I suppose I would.

    CORTES
    It is much smaller than the USS Khitomer.

    KAHLYA
    I fail to see how its size compared to your last command matters.

    MORIANNE
    No matter. I'm proud of each and every one of you.

    PAN to each captain as they are mentioned

    MORIANNE
    You, Cortes, I remember when we were at the Academy together. I'm surprised you're not an admiral yet, although I shouldn't be. You always preferred the front lines, didn't you, Byron?
    And you, Moret, you were the proudest pupil I ever had. I can still remember the look on your face when you graduated as valedictorian.
    As for you, Anya, it seems like only yesterday that you came into the infirmary, nursing a black eye. It was, er, Johnny O'Dell who gave you that, wasn't it?

    SHREVE
    He's Commander O'Dell now.

    MORIANNE smiles.

    MORIANNE
    I suppose he is, yes. And you've learned to choose your battles.
    You all have.

    A moment's pause. Then MORIANNE claps his hands together.

    MORIANNE
    Well. Shall I escort the captains Shreve, Kahlya, and Cortes to the reception?

    CORTES
    I suppose.

    TRACKING as they leave through the door, ZOOM OUT slightly.
    FADE OUT.

    FADE IN:
    RECEPTION HALL at the spacedock. It is a long, ballroom-like room, filled with people, and has a stage at the front. The senior officers are seated in the front rows. Admiral MORIANNE, CAPTAIN SHREVE, CAPTAIN KAHLYA, and CAPTAIN CORTES are standing on the stage.
    TRACK as Admiral MORIANNE walks to a lectern with the United Federation of Planets crest on it at the front of the stage.

    MORIANNE
    Well. We would've held this reception in one of the mess halls, but we'd've had to start stacking people on top of each other.

    The crowd laughs.

    MORIANNE
    In any case, I'm proud of you all.

    PAN over the crowd.

    MORIANNE
    Each and every one of you.

    CUT back to MORIANNE

    MORIANNE
    This is the most anticipated, prestigious mission the Federation's undertaken since… well, since the Enterprise-D left spacedock. And you're all a part of it. You're all going to advance the Federation's horizons in ways we can't measure, and in ways we can. And I'd like to welcome someone who knows all about advancing the Federation's horizons: Admiral Kathryn Janeway.

    The audience applauds.
    TRACK as JANEWAY walks onto the stage and takes the lectern. She waits for the audience to quiet.

    JANEWAY
    From here, it seems that there's quite a lot of you. A lot more than we had on Voyager. I understand, we can be quite the act to follow.

    The audience laughs quietly.

    JANEWAY
    This mission won't be easy. I should know, my crew and I first took the steps you'll be retracing. The Delta Quadrant is an inhospitable place, and that's going to be only one of many obstacles you're going to have to face. But not only do we have one intelligent, valiant crew to face them, we have three. I'd like to introduce you to your senior staff. Will the officers I call please come to the stage?

    PAN over the audience, focusing on the front row.

    JANEWAY
    First, we have our helm crew, Ilya Vren, Tal Celes, and Ghanaar.

    ILYA VREN, TAL CELES, and GHANAAR step onto the stage. TRACK as they go from the front row to the stage.

    JANEWAY
    Then we have our intrepid science officers, Torel, Elizabeth Ayodele, and Malai.

    TOREL, ELIZABETH AYODELE, and MALAI walk onstage.

    JANEWAY
    Our Chief Medical Officers, Nirin, Callista Ven, and Arra Mien.

    NIRIN, CALLISTA VEN, and ARRA MIEN walk onstage.

    JANEWAY
    The Chiefs of Security, Dana Mendel, Esperanza Blackshear, and Keylar.

    DANA MENDEL, ESPERANZA BLACKSHEAR, and KEYLAR walk onstage.

    JANEWAY
    Our Chief Engineers, Eric Camden, Ryan Simmons, and Ilmar.

    ERIC CAMDEN, RYAN SIMMONS, and ILMAR walk onstage.

    JANEWAY
    Our brave first officers, Jelani Walker, Mirelli Jo'Kha, and D'Lan.

    JELANI WALKER, MIRELLI JO'KHA, and D'LAN walk onstage.

    JANEWAY
    And last, but most certainly not least, we have our wonderful captains, Moret Kahlya, Byron Cortes, and Anya Shreve

    The CAPTAINS, who are already onstage, bow. Admiral Janeway claps, along with the audience. TRACK as Captain SHREVE comes up to the lectern.

    SHREVE
    I was debating a lot, and I do mean a lot, about how to begin this speech. After all, this'll be my third and most prestigious command. Well, third, if you don't count that one month on the USS Brighton.

    She looks back to COMMANDER D'LAN for a moment.

    SHREVE
    You remember that? Now that was a wild month. Oh, the Romulans were just livid...

    She turns back to face the audience, smiling.

    SHREVE
    Anyway. You all read the briefing. Well, most of you. I'm not going to bore you with re-stating all of that. And you've been told a million times about this mission's prestige, and how you'll be doing so much to advance our knowledge, our technology, and our culture. Trust me, you will be doing that, but you'll also be doing much, much more. Together, we'll discover new life, explore new places, fight together, laugh together, cry together. Every mission is so much more than the sum of its reports, and we'll have so much to tell. We're going to go places people have gone, but that's not at the core of our mission. What we're here to do, what we were born to do, is to go where no one has gone before.

    The audience applauds.

    ZOOM OUT slowly on the shot of the stage with all the senior staff.


    FADE IN:
    MAIN ENGINEERING of the GANESHA It is a tall, cylindrical room with four levels, built around the warp engine. There are engineers climbing up and down ladders, going in and out of turbolifts, handing each other padds. Captain KAHLYA walks in at the base level, accompanied by Lieutenant Commander ILMAR.

    KAHLYA
    Report, Commander Ilmar.

    ILMAR
    Here we are.

    He spreads his arms, a padd in one hand.

    ILMAR
    Heart of the ship. Behold, the high-capacity warp drive.

    CUT to the engine room of the ATHENA where the same conversation is being played out between Captain CORTES and Lieutenant Commander RYAN SIMMONS.

    CORTES
    Fascinating. I don't suppose you have the time to give me a tour, Commander Simmons?

    SIMMONS shakes her head.

    CUT to the engine room of the Thoth, where the same conversation is being played out between Captain SHREVE and Lieutenant Commander ERIC CAMDEN. Captain SHREVE follows him as he goes up a ladder.

    SHREVE
    Are you sure you couldn't use an extra hand, Mr. Camden? I took extension courses in advanced warp dynamics.

    He flexes his metal arm and wiggles his eyebrows.

    CAMDEN
    An extra hand? I'm lucky to have two!

    He bursts out laughing. The captain cracks a smile as well. Suddenly, a voice comes from the comms.

    COMPUTER (V.O.)
    We are on schedule to leave spacedock at 13:00 hours. All hands, please report to your posts.

    SHREVE
    Well. I suppose "all hands" includes the captain, doesn't it?

    CAMDEN
    That it does. In any case,

    He picks up a tool, and brandishes it.

    CAMDEN
    I have a high-capacity warp drive to get running.

    TRACK as CAPTAIN SHREVE exits Main Engineering.
    FADE OUT

    FADE IN:
    The BRIDGE of the GANESHA. The BRIDGE CREW (MORET KAHLYA, MIRELLI JO'KHA, ESPERANZA BLACKSHEAR, JAIYUNE, MALAI) is present.

    KAHLYA has a small charm clutched tightly in his hand, at his his side. He runs his thumb over it as he paces around the bridge.

    KAHLYA
    All stations, I need a status report. Are we prepared for departure?

    CUT to the BRIDGE of the ATHENA, where the BRIDGE CREW (BYRON CORTES, JELANI WALKER, DANA MENDEL, TOREL, ILYA VREN) is going through the same process. PAN to each crew member as they deliver their line.

    VREN
    Clear.

    TOREL
    All systems nominal.

    MENDEL
    All clear.

    WALKER
    Well. Ready when you are, captain.

    CUT to the BRIDGE of the THOTH, focusing on the captain. The BRIDGE CREW (ANYA SHREVE, D'LAN, KEYLAR, ELIZABETH AYODELE, KIRENY, GHANAAR) is present.

    SHREVE
    You know, I've really missed this.

    She takes a few deliberate steps forward.

    SHREVE
    Helm, lay in a course for Sector 5178, warp 9.

    A pause. Then, she brings her hand forward.

    SHREVE
    Engage.

    She brings two of her fingers together in a vague pointing gesture.
    CUT TO ALL THREE SHIPS JUMPING TO WARP
    FADE OUT


    FADE IN:
    SHOT OF THE STARFIELD AT WARP

    SHREVE (V.O.)
    Captain's log, stardate 56951.0. I would say that the mission's proceeding as planned, but the mission hasn't really started yet. Although, that won't be the case for much longer. We've nearly arrived at our starting line.

    CUT TO INT. READY ROOM OF THE THOTH

    The room is small and slightly cramped, with a desk, chair, and a small sofa against the wall.

    CAPTAIN SHREVE is sitting at her desk and tapping at a padd. The door opens, and COMMANDER D'LAN comes in.

    D'LAN
    Captain.

    SHREVE
    Ah, D'Lan. Have a seat. I’ve been bored to tears, maybe you’d like to play some chess?

    D'LAN
    I appreciate it, captain, but we have almost reached the edge of Sector 5178.

    CAPTAIN SHREVE smiles

    SHREVE
    Well! At long last.

    They walk onto the BRIDGE.
    CUT to them walking onto the bridge.

    SHREVE
    Helm, report.

    GHANAAR
    Sir, we're approaching the edge of Sector 5178.

    SHREVE
    Bring us out of warp.

    She walks to the front of the bridge.

    SHREVE
    There it is. The edge of Federation space.

    She turns to face her crew

    SHREVE
    Anybody bring their holo-imager?

    She turns back to the viewscreen.

    SHREVE
    Ladies and gentlemen, remember this moment. Mr. Ghanaar, set a course at 152 mark 713, inclination 0, warp 5. Engage.

    Nothing happens.

    SHREVE
    Helm, Eng-

    She turns to the helm console, only to find no one.
    ZOOM out on the empty bridge.
    FADE OUT

    FADE IN:
    The bridge of the Thoth, completely empty except for CAPTAIN SHREVE.
    THE KURATORA appears, out of a few distorted geometric shapes morphing into his image. He is in the form of a young man wearing a long grey robe and cap with draping.

    KURATORA
    Greetings.

    SHREVE
    Greetings. Now, may I ask, what have you done with my crew?

    KURATORA
    Such questions. Peace, Captain, I have done nothing with your crew. It is you which I am holding in a state of temporal isolation.

    SHREVE
    Would you care to explain how that works?

    KURATORA
    I suppose… it may be incomprehensible, in a way, to you. You see, I am a being from the fourth dimension. I may be able to explain this in your terms.

    THE KURATORA begins moving about the bridge, gesturing as he makes his explanation.

    KURATORA
    Take, for example, a 2-dimensional picture. Imagine that there was a being living in it. This being would only be able to move along two axes, length and width. You could look in on them through, as your species puts it, a fourth wall. They would not even be aware that such a wall exists. Now, imagine that there is a fifth wall, in your reality. You are not aware of it, nor could you be, even if I spent an eternity explaining it to your greatest minds. We can look in on you through it, and, in this case, project ourselves through it. While you move on three axes, we move on four: length, width, depth, and time.

    SHREVE
    If you can do all of that, than why would you specifically make contact with me?

    KURATORA
    Now that is the question, isn’t it? It is because my kind and I are guards. There have been several incidents in the past, however, for the most part, we try to prevent the civilizations in this quadrant from harm by other civilizations.

    SHREVE
    It’s a noble cause, but I assure you, we already have regulations in place preventing us from harming, or even interfering with developing civilizations.

    KURATORA
    We have looked in on humanity, and you have ignored these regulations when it suited you. Observe.

    The viewscreen plays clips from previous episodes where the Prime Directive is disregarded and it results negatively for the species in question.

    SHREVE
    Those were mistakes, made by others in the past. You can’t accuse my crew of doing the same.

    KURATORA
    That is a valid point. This is why I have brought you here. You are the mission commander. You speak for them, and I will divine your intentions.


    SHREVE
    You’re wrong on that count. I may be the mission commander, but we’re all on this mission together. If you can really see what’s in our hearts, then look at all of ours.

    THE KURATORA shakes his head.

    KURATORA
    The effort of interdimensional projection is too great. I cannot read all of you.

    SHREVE
    Then read just the captains. We are a poor substitute for the entire crew, but we represent them.

    KURATORA
    As you wish.

    CAPTAIN KAHLYA and CAPTAIN CORTES appear on the bridge.

    KAHLYA
    Anya? What’s going on here?

    FADE OUT

    FADE IN:
    INT. THE BRIDGE OF THE THOTH

    CORTES
    So let me get this straight. You’re putting the entire Federation on trial based on the thoughts and emotions of three people?

    KURATORA
    No, nothing so extreme as that. I’m merely putting the people of these three ships on trial based on your intentions in the Delta Quadrant.

    KAHLYA
    And what would be our sentence if we fail to meet your standards?

    KURATORA
    Fear not. We would simply turn you away.

    CORTES
    I will not permit you to… “read” us.

    KURATORA
    Then you will never pass.

    KAHLYA
    Byron, I must object. Letting them scan us is our only hope for so much as starting on our mission.

    CORTES
    Captain Kahlya, this is unacceptable. I will not allow an alien entity with unknown intentions to probe our minds and hold us to their arbitrary standards.

    KAHLYA
    And I would agree with you, in any other situation. But our mission is much too important and their intentions are peaceful.

    SHREVE
    Oh, stop it. Both of you. You're Starfleet officers, you want to bicker, you do it across a long table and call it a debate.

    She turns to the Kuratora.

    SHREVE
    Kuratora, will your readings harm us?

    THE KURATORA shakes his head.

    KURATORA
    No.

    SHREVE
    Then it’s resolved. As commander of this mission, I order you to let the Kuratora determine our intentions.

    CAPTAIN CORTES looks miffed.

    KURATORA
    Are you prepared?

    SHREVE
    Yes.

    KAHLYA looks around nervously.

    KAHLYA
    Yes.

    CORTES
    Prepared as I’ll ever be.

    THE KURATORA closes his eyes and folds his hands in front of him in a prayerlike gesture.
    FADE OUT.

    FADE IN:
    EXT. SCHOOLYARD

    Children can be seen playing on the playground outside of a brick building. They seem not to notice THE KURATORA or CAPTAIN SHREVE, who are standing in the foreground. CAPTAIN SHREVE looks around, confusedly.

    SHREVE
    This is West Oak Elementary school.

    She turns to THE KURATORA.
    SHREVE
    Are you surveying my memories?

    KURATORA
    Yes. You seemed to have a great deal of emotion surrounding this event.

    SHREVE
    That could apply to a lot of things that happened here.

    CUT to a group of children circling around two other children, who are in an argument. One of them is obviously a younger ANYA SHREVE, and the other one is a small Andorian child named YREN.

    YREN
    You’re gonna be sorry if you mess with me! My big brother goes to the middle school, he’ll beat you up!

    ANYA
    I’ll beat you up first if you snitch on me again!

    YREN
    You shouldn’t have been cheating on a test in the first place.

    ANYA
    Don’t care! You told on me!

    She turns to the rest of the group.

    ANYA
    Yren’s a little snitch!

    YREN
    Am not.

    ANYA
    Are too!

    He swings at her.

    YREN
    Am not!

    She grabs his arm.

    ANYA
    Yeah, you are!

    The two get into a fight, eventually ending with them crying and nursing bruised limbs.

    CAPTAIN SHREVE has a pained expression.

    SHREVE
    Why are you surveying this memory?

    KURATORA
    You had a lot of emotion surrounding it, as I said. Besides, you hurt another being. This calls into question the purity of your intentions.

    SHREVE
    Do your people have children?

    THE KURATORA remains blank.

    SHREVE
    Children are when a member of most species isn’t fully developed. They’ve just been brought into this world, and don’t have a good conception of its rules.

    KURATORA
    Ah, yes, that. Our species has no equivalent.

    SHREVE
    When the events occurred that formed this memory, I was a child. I didn’t know that violence and insults weren’t going to help me. This was an embarrassing incident, looking back on it.

    KURATORA
    I see. So you have learned from this mistake?

    SHREVE
    Oh, yes. One hell of a life lesson.

    PAN to the two children. ANYA walks over to YREN and sullenly sticks out her hand.

    ANYA
    Sorry I beat you up.

    YREN giggles.

    YREN
    Sorry I beat you up!

    SHREVE
    See? Even then, I knew fighting was wrong. I mean, that didn’t stop me for a long, long time, but if you can read my mind, you’ll know that I’ve definitely learned my lesson by now.

    THE KURATORA smiles.

    CUT to INT. BACKSTAGE

    Behind a red velvet curtain, several teenagers bustle back and forth. THE KURATORA and CAPTAIN KAHLYA take stand aside from all the chaos.

    KAHLYA
    This is the Tiernenville High School Auditorium.

    He turns to THE KURATORA

    KAHLYA
    Why are we here, in particular?

    KURATORA
    This is your mind. If anyone knows, it will be you.

    A young MORET KAHLYA is standing in front of a mirror, taking deep breaths and muttering to himself. A passing human teenager puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

    HUMAN TEEN
    Come on, Moret. Don’t sweat it. I know you’ll do great.

    MORET manages a shaky grin, and continues to rub a lucky talisman he has in one hand.

    Someone standing by the stage-left entrance puts her ear to the wall.

    CUE-CALLER
    Guys, they’re almost done with the Death of Mellarsis scene. Moret, you’re up next.

    MORET gives a tight nod, then goes to the stage-left entrance, leaving his lucky talisman in front of the mirror.

    TRACK from behind as he walks out onstage, then pan around to the front as he stops. There is a pause, and you can hear his heart beating. You can still hear it as the camera PANS over the audience. KAHLYA and THE KURATORA are in the audience. CAPTAIN KAHLYA has a worried expression.

    MORET
    M-my Mellarsis was l-l-light to his people, and, uh…

    He swallows heavily and looks down at his feet. His hand is moving as if clutching the lucky talisman.

    MORET
    And now we a-all know d-d-darkness…

    He mumbles incomprehensibly to finish his monologue, then shuffles awkwardly offstage.

    THE KURATORA and CAPTAIN KAHLYA are back in the backstage area.

    KURATORA
    You were so hesitant to complete your task that you failed to complete it. I do not understand.

    KAHLYA
    I was… nervous.

    KURATORA
    Nervous?

    KAHLYA
    Yes. You see, I have these talismans that I take comfort in. They do not actually help me, but they make me feel safe. When I had to go without them, I felt unprotected.

    THE KURATORA frowns.

    KURATORA
    You are overly hesitant, and take comfort in primitive talismans?

    KAHLYA
    That is not a very charitable way of putting it.

    KURATORA
    Charitability is irrelevant.

    The young MORET KAHLYA looks down at his talisman, frowns, and puts it down on the table.

    The CUE-CALLER peers around the curtain.

    CUE-CALLER
    Moret, Dominic, Galen, you're up next.

    MORET and two other teens go out onstage.

    CAPTAIN KAHLYA and THE KURATORA are in the audience. THE KURATORA looks confused as MORET delivers his lines with little hesitation this time.

    KURATORA
    Why are you not hesitant anymore?

    KAHLYA
    Don't let my exterior fool you. I was terrified, delivering my lines. But backstage, just then, I had a realisation.

    KURATORA
    Yes?

    KAHLYA
    It occurred to me that I was the one doing the work. My talisman was a simple object, and it would not help me if I did not help myself.

    PAN upwards to young MORET KAHLYA triumphantly finishing his scene.

    CUT to INT. STARFLEET SHIP

    The bridge is small and upholstered in pale grey. Young men and women in Starfleet cadet uniforms are manning the posts. At intermittent times, explosions rock the bridge. A young BYRON CORTES is sitting in the captain's chair, giving out orders. CAPTAIN CORTES and THE KURATORA are standing to the side.

    FADE OUT

    Ok, apparently there's a character limit. Whoops!
     
  16. Dashiell Mirai

    Dashiell Mirai Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2017
    Ok, here's the rest.

    FADE IN:
    INT. STARFLEET SHIP

    KURATORA
    Strange. You seem to have extremely intense emotions surrounding this memory.

    CORTES
    You're damn right I do. I remember what happened here like it was yesterday.

    KURATORA
    And where would "here" be?

    CORTES
    This is a holographic simulation of the bridge of the USS Intrepid. Starfleet Academy uses it to train cadets.

    The bridge rocks again.

    BYRON
    Helm, bring us about. We're going in for another pass.

    CADET 1
    Another pass, sir? Structural integrity is at 15%!

    BYRON
    I said bring us about, cadet. Our mission was to destroy the enemy ship, not retreat from danger.

    The bridge rocks again.

    CADET 2
    Sir, structural integrity is failing! We're losing phasers!

    BYRON
    Keep us steady, cadet. We've almost got them.

    The bridge rocks violently, then the lights go dark. They come back up again, and young BYRON slams his fist down in the panel in his chair.

    BYRON
    Damn!

    KURATORA
    You failed in your mission?

    CAPTAIN CORTES sighs.

    CORTES
    Yes.

    KURATORA
    If my observation is correct, it was your desire towards violence that led you to this.

    CORTES
    It was our assignment. It was all a simulation, we were cadets!

    They watch as crew resets the program.

    BYRON
    Computer, reset program to time index 1:57.

    The enemy ship comes back on-screen.

    BYRON
    Helm, retreat. We may need to take some time for repairs.

    CORTES
    I learned a valuable lesson that day.

    KURATORA
    It seems everyone has.

    CORTES looks at him questioningly, then goes back to talking.

    CORTES
    It was fortunate I was only a cadet then. I was so naive, I thought that orders had to be followed to the letter.

    KURATORA
    And that is not the case?

    CORTES
    No. The orders have to be adapted so that they are applicable to the real world.

    KURATORA
    I see.

    CUT to the bridge of the THOTH.

    The three captains are standing in a semicircle around THE KURATORA. He opens his eyes.

    KURATORA
    How enlightening.

    KAHLYA
    Will we be allowed to pass?

    KURATORA
    Fortunately for you, yes.

    CAPTAIN SHREVE gives a small smile of relief.

    KURATORA
    But hear this. Now that you have entered guarded territory, I will be watching you.

    CORTES
    In what way?

    KURATORA
    If you bring inexcusable harm to the races of this quadrant, my kind will be forced to punish you.

    SHREVE
    What kind of punishment do you mean?

    KURATORA
    We will destroy the offending ship.

    ZOOM IN on the captains' worried expressions.

    KURATORA
    Goodbye. I will be watching.

    There is a white flash of light that fills the shot.

    CUT to the bridge of the THOTH, fully crewed.

    GHANAAR
    Captain? Should we engage?

    ZOOM OUT.
    FADE OUT

    FADE IN:
    A SHOT OF THE TRIAD AT WARP.

    SHREVE (V.O.)
    Captain’s log, stardate 56951.3. The crew is recovering quite well from our first encounter with the Kuratora. Starfleet Command has received our reports. But the Kuratora’s ominous warning has left a few crew members feeling… uneasy.

    CUT to a front-view TRACKING shot of DR. NIRIN and LIEUTENANT TOREL walking through a hallway on the Thoth.

    NIRIN
    I tell you, this will not end well!

    TOREL
    Doctor, you have been saying that about everything.

    NIRIN
    This is different! Lieutenant, a creature from another dimension has left the pall of a threat just hanging over us, and you keep saying I’m being paranoid?

    TOREL
    Perhaps I keep saying that because I am correct.

    NIRIN
    You both amaze, frustrate, and disgust me simultaneously, Lieutenant.

    TOREL
    Duly noted. Now if you’ll excuse me, doctor, I have to modify the scanner array.

    They stop in front of the door to the SCANNER CONTROL ROOM.

    CUT to INT. MESS HALL aboard the GANESHA.
    A medium-large room, filled with chairs and tables, with replicators in the wall. There is a bar, past which is a kitchen stocked with jars of insects, and bottles of liquor. Several people are sitting down, eating. LIEUTENANT COMMANDER BLACKSHEAR walks over to the bar. ARGAN comes over to her.

    ARGAN
    What can I get for you, commander?

    BLACKSHEAR
    Klingon bloodwine. Your strongest vintage, I've had a terrible day.

    He leaves to pour her a drink.

    BLACKSHEAR
    This whole "Kuratora" thing had set everybody on edge. But I can't do anything about a security threat we know so little about!

    He comes back, and sets a mug of bloodwine in front of her.

    ARGAN
    That'll be five strips.

    BLACKSHEAR
    Five strips!

    ARGAN
    That bottle was from '54, I paid through the lobes for that!

    BLACKSHEAR
    But you realize that selling drinks to people on this ship is technically illegal, right?

    ARGAN
    It's an extra service I provide, the clause was very subjective about it.

    BLACKSHEAR
    I'm the chief of security on this ship, and I say it's illegal.

    ARGAN sighs.

    ARGAN
    Have it your way. I'll knock it down to five slips.

    She looks at him skeptically.

    ARGAN
    Fine! Three slips!

    CUT to the BRIDGE of the THOTH. CAPTAIN SHREVE walks onto the BRIDGE from her READY ROOM.

    SHREVE
    Mr. Ghanaar, set a course at… let’s see.

    She turns to an unnamed crewman working the Operations console.

    SHREVE
    Crewman. Where would you like to go?

    The CREWMAN smiles nervously.

    CREWMAN
    Well, sir, I was going through those maps that Voyager recovered from the Borg, and I thought that the Tau Epsilon Gamma system looked good.

    SHREVE
    Tau Epsilon Gamma… isn’t that the one with planet made of solid diamond?

    CREWMAN
    Yes, sir.

    SHREVE
    Well! Helm, set a course for the Tau Epsilon Gamma system, 215 mark 796, inclination 0, warp six.

    ZOOM IN ON HER FACE.

    SHREVE
    Engage!

    CUT to the TRIAD going to warp. FADE OUT.
     
  17. Dulak

    Dulak Commander Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2007
    Location:
    Pacific NW
    Funny, I just noticed something. Your screenplays are mostly dialogue. Please show us some more of something happening. Screenplay is supposed to be a representation of a mostly visual medium right? And to be a stickler, action represented in larger terms, not minor "actor" directions, like "turns to the ops console," or "sets the mug down." I've heard actors are far less likely to sign on to projects where they are directed robotically instead of allowed to create the scene.

    I'm just speaking about your screenplay format btw. From what I can tell, there is story behind your screenplay as it stands. But It'd work better if you showed them in action instead of exposition about what they did.
     
  18. Dashiell Mirai

    Dashiell Mirai Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2017
    Hmm. I've read this several times over, and I don't quite get what you mean about "action represented in larger terms". None of the screenwriting tutorials I've read (Then again, they've mostly been really dumbed down) have mentioned this. Would it be possible to provide an example?

    Oh, and also, since these things take a looooong time to write, especially if school is a thing that affects you, I'll be posting Part 2 on Friday.
     
  19. Dulak

    Dulak Commander Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2007
    Location:
    Pacific NW
    Yes, I will provide some specifics as best as I can. But it might be a day or two as I'd want to give good examples.
     
  20. Dulak

    Dulak Commander Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2007
    Location:
    Pacific NW
    But if I might suggest, if you haven't already pick up a copy of David Trotter's Screenwriter's Bible. It's cheap, and actually covers a lot of the formatting, and even story development. I'd consider it an essential book for anyone writing the form.

    Lot's of other good ones on HOW to put together a story for film, but really, get this. It covers what I talked about, and a whole lot more.