Standing up for yourself, or making a big error?

[auntiehill]

I think you should sit down with him and explain what you want or hoped for from the relationship. It sounds like you're looking for commitment and you feel that he's just "having fun."

Six years is a long time to just "date," so if you're looking for marriage or the legal equivalent of marriage, say so to him outright. If he doesn't want that, don't you think you'd both be better off, so you can each find what you really want?

This March, hubby and I will be celebrating our 7th. It hasn't all been peaches and cream, that's for damn sure, but despite how much I vent about him here, I'm glad I married him. I told him quite plainly at the beginning that I didn't believe in just living together indefinitely (seen it go wrong for many friends), so there was no doubt for get-go. He told me right away that he was looking to settle down and get married. It was all spelled out for each by the second or third date. We knew what the other was looking for in the long term, and had a year-long engagement to get everything together.

Did you and Man ever sit down and hash out what your hopes and plans were? Did someone renege or change the plans?

 

[JiNX-01]

You've invested six years in this relationship. And on your sixth anniversary, your relationship with him was exactly where it was on your first date.

What do you think?

You can't be serious. Is that really how women judge the progress of long term relationships... intermingling of finances?

That's odd. I don't see any mention of finances in my post.

 

[Spot's Meow]

You've invested six years in this relationship. And on your sixth anniversary, your relationship with him was exactly where it was on your first date.

What do you think?

You can't be serious. Is that really how women judge the progress of long term relationships... intermingling of finances?

That's odd. I don't see any mention of finances in my post.

Yeah I didn't see anyone saying it had to do with finances. My boyfriend and I live together and our finances are still quite separate in fact. Living with someone is another step forward in the relationship, one that shows that you are committed and are willing to open up everything in your life to that person. You no longer have anything to hide or any reason to see things as "my space" and "your space" but rather as "our space." It is an emotional step forward, not necessarily a financial one.

 

[Snaploud]

First, you need to get away from the idea that either of you are "right" or "wrong." The more important question is not one of morality but rather personal life goals and comfort levels. You obviously have different tastes. The question is whether you can create a situation in which you can both be happy or if this will be a deal-breaker for your relationship.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

*pours K'Eh a very stiff drink*

Cheers Mac, I needed that

Tonight.
Man and I.
6th anniversary. Thai restaurant then pub with live music. Lots of 'air guitaring', much fun.

Got home and the suppressed questions came out...
K'Eh ~ "So where are we going? Two years ago we planned to buy my flat and move into your 3 storey place. Rent mine out and make some money."
Man ~ "But I like my own space"
K'Eh ~ "So that's a NO then?!"

after much Klingon swearing I dismissed him from my house.

He does not work as he has a private income, but it really raises my ire that I have to work and he does not understand how much this frustrates me. He totally agrees that he is idle and happy with it

So I told him to "Go Fish" and closed the door on him.

Please help.

Was this a wise or foolish move?

OK, here's what we have:
1. After six years you are not content to continue being a live-someplace-else girlfriend.
2. After six years he is content to continue being a live-someplace-else boyfriend.

You've invested six years in this relationship. And on your sixth anniversary, your relationship with him was exactly where it was on your first date.

What do you think?

Hmm. But I love him ~ it's a girl thing!
I think I did give him a scare though

K is rightly upset, but IMHO she should give the guy another chance.

And if the man has Brain One in his head, he will listen.

Did do! I woke up ~ hungover (could you tell I was squiffy last night?!) and realised it was a very empty bed ~ well apart from Sir Squeak, the cat, who was staring at me as breakfast was late!
As usual I was the first to ring. I did not say sorry because I don't believe I have anything to apologise for.
But he came round, helped me clean the kitchen (you have to have something to do ~ it was that or comb the cat!) and took me out this afternoon.

You've invested six years in this relationship. And on your sixth anniversary, your relationship with him was exactly where it was on your first date.

What do you think?

You can't be serious. Is that really how women judge the progress of long term relationships... intermingling of finances?

Some really do. They use it as a yardstick to judge commitment/depth of the relationship

Not all operate in this way, of course. Depends on what they want out of a relationship and how they define commitment, love, trust, and a million other things.

Personally, I'm on the dude's side in this particular thread. Relationships are only part of life, so having a personal "safe" space away from it makes sense to me. But both partners would have to see things similarly (or at least genuinely agree to differ) for that to work.

First off ~ I don't want his money. It's his, he inheriteded it, and he can do with it what he wishes.
I have the moral high ground of being able to say 'at least I work for mine' ~ Which does give me some small pleasure, but makes not a dent in his thoughts.
When I started dating him I was warned I would never change him ~ and I can't.
So in a way it's my fault.

I think you should sit down with him and explain what you want or hoped for from the relationship. It sounds like you're looking for commitment and you feel that he's just "having fun."

Six years is a long time to just "date," so if you're looking for marriage or the legal equivalent of marriage, say so to him outright. If he doesn't want that, don't you think you'd both be better off, so you can each find what you really want?

This March, hubby and I will be celebrating our 7th. It hasn't all been peaches and cream, that's for damn sure, but despite how much I vent about him here, I'm glad I married him. I told him quite plainly at the beginning that I didn't believe in just living together indefinitely (seen it go wrong for many friends), so there was no doubt for get-go. He told me right away that he was looking to settle down and get married. It was all spelled out for each by the second or third date. We knew what the other was looking for in the long term, and had a year-long engagement to get everything together.

Did you and Man ever sit down and hash out what your hopes and plans were? Did someone renege or change the plans?

Oh auntie, well done!
I know it's not all easy and I think our problems come because we don't argue. Man is very quiet and composed and I get riled but also know that screaming and shouting is distructive and will not help.
The 'penciled in' arrangements were when Son left college we would live together and use the other house to give us income. And yes, he has renaged on that deal.

First, you need to get away from the idea that either of you are "right" or "wrong." The more important question is not one of morality but rather personal life goals and comfort levels. You obviously have different tastes. The question is whether you can create a situation in which you can both be happy or if this will be a deal-breaker for your relationship.

Thanks Snap.
Man and I are SO different but we love each other. He puts up with my foibles as much as I do his.
When I woke this morning and remembered what I had done, I was distraught.
All will be well.

 

[auntiehill]

......
Oh auntie, well done!
I know it's not all easy and I think our problems come because we don't argue. Man is very quiet and composed and I get riled but also know that screaming and shouting is distructive and will not help.
........
The 'penciled in' arrangements were when Son left college we would live together and use the other house to give us income. And yes, he has renaged on that deal.


Thanks Snap.
Man and I are SO different but we love each other. He puts up with my foibles as much as I do his.
When I woke this morning and remembered what I had done, I was distraught.
All will be well.

Well, even if you do get back together, I would recommend that you sit down together and work out--in concrete--what you both want. If he has reneged on his end of the deal, you need to know why. If he just wants to date forever, then that's something you need to know, and then decide if you are willing to settle for that. I wish you the best!


Relationships. Aren't they a BITCH?!

 

[propita]

You've invested six years in this relationship. And on your sixth anniversary, your relationship with him was exactly where it was on your first date.

What do you think?

You can't be serious. Is that really how women judge the progress of long term relationships... intermingling of finances?

I read the "investment" as non-financial, but as SIX YEARS of K'eh's life. After six years, emotionally, it's as if the six years never had an effect. He still wants to be single and see/have her when it suits him.

If that's a correct reading, then move on and do so carefully. Don't invest six years without some progression, both emotionally and an intimate involvement in each others' lives (which includes but is not limited to physical OR financial).

If that's not a correct reading and it's all financial--you got short-term and likely at-least-sometimes-pleasant returns on your investment.


ETA: I hadn't read past the quoted post when I responded, so forgive me if I'm way off.