Standing up for yourself, or making a big error?

[K'Ehleyr]

Tonight.
Man and I.
6th anniversary. Thai restaurant then pub with live music. Lots of 'air guitaring', much fun.

Got home and the suppressed questions came out...
K'Eh ~ "So where are we going? Two years ago we planned to buy my flat and move into your 3 storey place. Rent mine out and make some money."
Man ~ "But I like my own space"
K'Eh ~ "So that's a NO then?!"

after much Klingon swearing I dismissed him from my house.

He does not work as he has a private income, but it really raises my ire that I have to work and he does not understand how much this frustrates me. He totally agrees that he is idle and happy with it

So I told him to "Go Fish" and closed the door on him.

Please help.

Was this a wise or foolish move?

 

[Kestra]

Well ... if you have a serious issue, it's wise to communicate about it. Perhaps not so wise to do so when you're especially passionate or emotional. Make sure he understands that this isn't a random thing but actually something that you want to talk about.

Simply bringing it up and then kicking him out probably isn't going to solve anything! I do hope you work things out.

 

[Switch]

3 storeys is quite a lot of personal space.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Well ... if you have a serious issue, it's wise to communicate about it. Perhaps not so wise to do so when you're especially passionate or emotional. Make sure he understands that this isn't a random thing but actually something that you want to talk about.

Simply bringing it up and then kicking him out probably isn't going to solve anything! I do hope you work things out.

"In Vino veratis" works well for me
It is something we have been talking about for a couple of years. He is stalling and I have decided to put my foot down ~ with a firm hand!
When he wakes up tomorrow to no Sunday Brunch as expected... then ~ actually, I really don't know...

3 storeys is quite a lot of personal space.

Tell me!
I have a horrible feeling that he does not us to move in with him because Son is gay.
Oh I hated typing that.
Not because of Son, but because of Man judging him.
Which is another reason I told him to 'Go Fish'.

 

[Mr. B]

Obviously we don't have the whole story but I don't find any unmarried man's desire to have his own place problematic.

 

[Sector 7]

Tell me!
I have a horrible feeling that he does not us to move in with him because Son is gay.
Oh I hated typing that.
Not because of Son, but because of Man judging him.
Which is another reason I told him to 'Go Fish'.

It would be horrible if the only reason is that Son is gay [been there done that]. However, it may be a case of 'why buy the cow when the milk is free?' No reason to commit if he thinks he can have it both ways [privacy & you].

Obviously we don't have the whole story but I don't find any unmarried man's desire to have his own place problematic.

The problem is that she wants a more permanent commitment and he, evidently, does not.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Never walk away mad.

 

[BolianAuthor]

LOL!

Okay... obviously, I don't know the whole story, or even a fraction of it... only what you posted here. So, from that... I gather that you have been seeing each other for 6 years, and that you had returned "home" from an evening of fun, and you basically ruined it by asking that question.

I mean, considering that you have been going out for SIX years, and that you had had a fun evening, why would you have asked such a question? IMO, and again, this is me... IMO, if you had such questions about "where you were going", and you have been going out for 6 years, why not ask him to marry you? At least that would have been a far more positive question to pose of him.

And I know traditionally, men propose to women, but hey, it's the 21st, equality, and all that.

So, like I said, I admittedly don't know anything other than what you posted here, but based on that... yeah, you were foolish, IMO. At least if he declined your proposal, you would know how he feels, and the "breakup" would have been for a bigger and greater reason that sharing a roof in the financial sense, and as someone else said above, it would show if he could commit or not.

Again, just my own take.

 

[Jan]

I may be completely off base here and if so, much apologizings. But...I have a vague memory that this is not the first time you've shown him the door after an argument, am I right? But if you were both living in the same place (his or yours), that really wouldn't be an option, would it?

So if one assumes that he does feel the need for someplace to retreat to, it's also reasonable to assume that you'll need someplace to stomp off to in case of need. So if the question comes up again, you might want to set it up so that each of you will have your own 'space' that the other would not enter without invitation. This seems to have worked for my sister who had issues moving in with her beloved because she needed someplace private to call her own.

Jan

 

[Cheapjack]

The couple across the way from me did this, a year ago. Much storming out, many trips to the car, for him, carrying suits and bags. One final confrontation on the doorstep.

It only lasted a month, if that, and they've been back together for about 11.

 

[JarodRussell]

If I had private income I wouldn't work either, I would do what I really want to do.

 

[Jadzia]

Do you think he wants your relationship to last, or is he afraid that it won't last? He may be holding onto his own place because he intends to retreat there if/when it's all over.

It sounds like you keep your finances separate. You pay for your own affairs, while he pays for his own affairs. So from his point of view, he has nothing financial to gain from you moving in with him, but he would have much to lose in terms of alimony, as you'd become a dependent in moving. At the moment you are not a dependent, so a separation would be easy for him.

 

[Finngle Bells]

If I had private income I wouldn't work either, I would do what I really want to do.

It depends on how much the income is...

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Thank you for your opinions... nothing to see here... please move on...

 

[Mary Ann]

*pours K'Eh a very stiff drink*

 

[JiNX-01]

Tonight.
Man and I.
6th anniversary. Thai restaurant then pub with live music. Lots of 'air guitaring', much fun.

Got home and the suppressed questions came out...
K'Eh ~ "So where are we going? Two years ago we planned to buy my flat and move into your 3 storey place. Rent mine out and make some money."
Man ~ "But I like my own space"
K'Eh ~ "So that's a NO then?!"

after much Klingon swearing I dismissed him from my house.

He does not work as he has a private income, but it really raises my ire that I have to work and he does not understand how much this frustrates me. He totally agrees that he is idle and happy with it

So I told him to "Go Fish" and closed the door on him.

Please help.

Was this a wise or foolish move?

OK, here's what we have:
1. After six years you are not content to continue being a live-someplace-else girlfriend.
2. After six years he is content to continue being a live-someplace-else boyfriend.

You've invested six years in this relationship. And on your sixth anniversary, your relationship with him was exactly where it was on your first date.

What do you think?

 

[Mr. B]

You've invested six years in this relationship. And on your sixth anniversary, your relationship with him was exactly where it was on your first date.

What do you think?

You can't be serious. Is that really how women judge the progress of long term relationships... intermingling of finances?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

K is rightly upset, but IMHO she should give the guy another chance.

And if the man has Brain One in his head, he will listen.

 

[BolianAuthor]

You've invested six years in this relationship. And on your sixth anniversary, your relationship with him was exactly where it was on your first date.

What do you think?

You can't be serious. Is that really how women judge the progress of long term relationships... intermingling of finances?

More than you'd think.

 

[Holdfast]

You've invested six years in this relationship. And on your sixth anniversary, your relationship with him was exactly where it was on your first date.

What do you think?

You can't be serious. Is that really how women judge the progress of long term relationships... intermingling of finances?

Some really do. They use it as a yardstick to judge commitment/depth of the relationship

Not all operate in this way, of course. Depends on what they want out of a relationship and how they define commitment, love, trust, and a million other things.

Personally, I'm on the dude's side in this particular thread. Relationships are only part of life, so having a personal "safe" space away from it makes sense to me. But both partners would have to see things similarly (or at least genuinely agree to differ) for that to work.