I am not really looking for partners. Plus, I think I'd be somewhat under the medium age on those sites.
Should I join a dating service?
- Thread starter Emher
- Start date
I am not really looking for partners. Plus, I think I'd be somewhat under the medium age on those sites.
Um, err, and if she answers yes when you ask her out for a coffee it is not breaking down barriers? You can find out if she's looking for someone while you're sitting down with her talking to her. Unless you think talking two or three hours to a potential future friend was a waste of your time.
Sorry, I just can't see the fun in reading someone's bio before talking to them (or rather 'writing' to them since it's online). You're looking for a friend and not for an employee.
Last edited:
Your argument isn't all bad.
Love is a strange thing and whether you find it on a dating site or by walking up to randoms, you've found it.
It's whatever floats your boat. I know I had a lack of social skills and confidence in the area of asking out girls. The divide of a computer screen did help me to get comfortable.
It's funny because it is true.
I met my girlfriend on pof.com.
The issue I found with many of the people using that site, was that so many people were in "checklist mode."
That isn't to say there aren't users who don't suffer this bizzare online dating tunnel vision, but you just have to look for them.
As someone upthread said, just take an honest look at yourself and what you want, and take the plunge. What's the worst that can happen? Okay, you could end up going for a pint with an axemurderer... but other than that?
It's funny because it is true.
I met my girlfriend on pof.com.
The issue I found with many of the people using that site, was that so many people were in "checklist mode."
That isn't to say there aren't users who don't suffer this bizzare online dating tunnel vision, but you just have to look for them.
As someone upthread said, just take an honest look at yourself and what you want, and take the plunge. What's the worst that can happen? Okay, you could end up going for a pint with an axemurderer... but other than that?
You could have your money stolen through internet fraud not once but TWICE.
That's what.
Those aren't the type of barriers I was talking about. I was speaking towards social issues that people have that inhibit them in a potential dating situation. I'm not saying it's not fun to ask someone out to coffee or anything, either. I was simply attempting to answer your question "why don't you just ask unknown strangers that stand right in front of you?"
A
Amaris
Guest
I agree. These days I'm fairly gregarious and have no problem approaching women, but there was a time when I was terrified to approach someone. For people who don't have the wherewithal to break the ice (a feeling I quite understand), online dating is a smoother way to get interested in someone, as it's obvious they're interested in looking. See, my problem, when I was terrified, was that I was afraid I would make an utter fool of myself by socializing with someone who wasn't at all interested in dating, or even "hanging out".
I dunno. You could try it out, not really any harm in trying.
I'm on gk2gk.com (geek2geek) and after quite a few months I got a message the other day from a lady a town over saying she "isn't afraid of puns". I meant to cancel my account, as I'm done with relationships, so now I gotta send a 'sorry but no thanks' message.
I'm on gk2gk.com (geek2geek) and after quite a few months I got a message the other day from a lady a town over saying she "isn't afraid of puns". I meant to cancel my account, as I'm done with relationships, so now I gotta send a 'sorry but no thanks' message.
Because with an online dating service you have a better chance of meeting somebody compatible. If you go to bars, you just meet random people. My life revolves around the Arts & Sciences-- and this is true at least to some degree of the people on this Board-- and the odds of meeting somebody like that by walking into a bar is much lower than doing a specialized search.
Yep. Happened to me. For more info, read my initial post on page one.
I like random people and I like surprises. I could think I'm into something, and then be totally shocked to find out I like something completely different that I didn't even know about myself.
There's something to be said about fancying up your hair, putting on nice clothes for a night out where other people are doing the same.
Sure, you could call it a "show" but you can still tell a great deal about people and how they get dressed up.
Rituals define society.
I'm a people person, you don't know shit about someone just going by a checklist of information they chose to list about themselves. They leave off what they perceive to be imperfections and they lie.
And why wouldn't you be able to find someone who enjoys the "Arts and Sciences" at a bar?
Yep. Happened to me. For more info, read my initial post on page one.
What sites did you use? Stealmymoneyforhotness.com?
See, this comment blows me away, Emher. Obviously I can't speak for all the girls around here, but I have always thought of you as one of the kindest-hearted men around this site. And you 'communicate' that very well - both by your words and by your actions (and in some cases, LACK of actions).
You have always shown me a lot of kindness in my various struggles over the years...and I never see you participating in the sorts of 'guy talk' around here that turns many of the female posters off - all the 'hot babe' this-and-that locker room talk...and all the negative chatter about women who are anything short of fashion model perfect in the looks department.
Girls notice that stuff - at least I do! And I really cannot imagine that you couldn't find someone very nice fairly easily...because in your case, all you have to do is be yourself, which as best I have been able to determine over the years is simply this - a nice guy.
You have NO IDEA what a premium women place on 'being a nice guy'. Most of us (especially those of us who have been around a bit and have learned from our mistakes in picking men) would sell our souls for a guy who is kind, considerate, caring, honest, intelligent, and simply decent. Throw in the ability to support himself and live within his means (a non-freeloader) and a bit of ambition (doesn't have to want to be Donald Trump...but at least aspire to something he enjoys doing that is more challenging than your basic minimum wage work - this shows a guy to be willing to take charge of his own life - something we like to see) and you have a winning combination.
I know that I've told you this before, but if I wasn't a decade or so older than you, I'd have long ago gone after you myself! I mean, you even get bonus points for being a Niner!
Maybe your problem, at this point, is that girls your age haven't made all their mistakes yet...and have not yet figured figured out that the charming smooth talker or the spoiled good looking guy who is used to everyone doting on him and giving him his way 100% of the time is NOT a good choice for a long-term relationship?I know I made that mistake when I was in my late 20's - I MARRIED a guy like that - a good looking charmer who (I discovered later) expected the entire WORLD to revolve around him and his every desire. A guy who wasn't capable of compromise...and was of the firm opinion that since he was perfect (he'd been told this pretty much all his life, starting with his mother), anything and everything that went wrong was someone else's fault. I don't think he ever took a single bit of personal responsibility for anything.
What I am saying is that once a girl makes a mistake like that (a mistake usually made in her 20's), if she has half a brain, she revises her priorities and values when it comes to men. She grows up...and in turn, she is looking for guys who have grown up.
Although I should caution that 'growing up' doesn't need to equate to 'becoming boring' either. Cultivate interests and hobbies - maybe pay a bit more attention to your interests that quality girls might like. Or more accurately, think about your passions in life, and try to find someone who is also passionate about those things....and maybe expand your passions to stuff you'd maybe not tried, but have always wanted to that are sort of 'girl friendly'.
Do you like the theatre? Like art? Classical music? Like classic film? History? Love to travel and have some adventure in your life? Love to run or are interested in healthy living (although not to the point of being all about body image)? Now granted, those are actually MY passions
(it's easy to list what you know yourself...but other girls are interested in other things - everything from cats to rock climbing to needlepoint) ...but what I'm trying to illustrate here is that there are hobbies/interests/passions out there that maybe you hadn't even considered. And exploring yourself and developing interests that you might share with a potential girlfriend is something to consider. Don't just sit on the sofa watching scifi shows and sports matches and playing computer games! I mean, some girls like all that stuff (or some of it)...but many girls are impressed by a well-rounded guy. Someone who KNOWS stuff. Someone who shows an interest in the world in some form or another. Someone who is not sitting around waiting for life to happen, but who goes out and DOES stuff or has an interest that she shares...or at least can participate in without being bored out of her mind. Now lord knows, I'm the farthest thing from an expert in finding love.
Good lord, it would be hard to BEAT me, in terms of being unlucky in love. I also have zero experience, in terms of using a dating service - I've met enough wackos in real life, thank you very much...and I'm afraid of meeting even BIGGER wackos on an internet dating service! I mean, I'm sure there are nice guys on there...but I promise you, they wouldn't find ME. All the wackos would find me though - you can make BOOK on that! So I abstain from the practice myself.But my point is that if you decide to use an internet service, you have to prepare yourself for the nutjobs. Because there will be some, for sure. You might have to wade through a few of them, too, in order to get to a genuinely nice girl.
So if you decide to do it, please be very, very careful. But I guess what I'm really saying is that I don't think someone like you NEEDS to do this. I think you have a much better chance, simply by expanding your interests and passions...and simply being you!
It's funny in an ironic, cruel sense, in that by the time girls start to learn from their mistakes, guys are so burned from being a "nice guy" and getting stepped on that we've hung up our nice guy attitudes.
I stopped being "nice" when I was 17, I wised up fast.
I've never understood the term "boys' locker room" chat. I'm guessing most who have said that are women. Who haven't, unless they're up to some odd shit, ever been in a locker room. Now since I'm a man (supposedly) I've actually been in locker rooms. There is no chauvnistic talk. If anything it's really gayed up. For some reason even the straightest of men make jokes about being gay in the locker room because the situation of being in a locker room is so odd.
This. Listen to the man.
My experience is that when people don't like to go to bars then they simply are uncomfortable with people, and "hide" in the anonymity of the Interweb where they feel safe and in control. You don't have to go to bars to meet people. If you are an Art & Sciences person, and think you wouldn't find someone in a bar (but I assure you that you certainly would), then go to museums as well... and meet people.
Bartenders are wise.
Also hot.
Man, can I relate to THIS! You have no idea!
Everywhere you turn these days, it's all about 'social networking'...which to me is so artificial and self-seeking that it turns my stomach.Nothing is about finding people you can genuinely relate to and like and who you have real common interests with anymore. Instead, it's all about legitimatizing the practice of people essentially USING each other to GET something. And I just HATE it. Nothing is about giving for the sake of it anymore - it's all about GETTING. And even the small 'giving' component that is encouraged in social networking is not genuine, because once again, the ulterior motive is, in fact, GETTING, and the 'giving' is only done to facilitate the 'getting'.
I can't speak about the dating sites, because for reasons similar to your own, plus some other ones, I can't bring myself to use them.
But I can certainly testify to the fact that the job market and the social networking sites (and 'brick & mortar' networking groups) associated with job search & career transition are like this. In fact, that is how they tell you to get a job these days! It's all about 'social networking'. And as someone who is being forced to do it (recently got laid off from IBM after several years), but who feels much like you do about it...I hate it, hate it, HATE IT! It goes against everything I am - it goes against my 'personal code' in ways that I have a REAL struggle with. But I have been told that I have no choice. Because it is no longer good enough to have brains and talent and exceptional background and experience. It's not even about the ability to interview well (I do) or have a stack of recommendations from former colleagues (I do)! Because the HR departments are getting thousands of resumes a day - most of which they don't even read! So now, it's all about WHO YOU KNOW - even just to get an interview! Or the way I see it, 'Who you have to artificially suck up to enough to get them to help you....and who you will now owe major markers to for the rest of your career, regardless of you own talent or skills or knowledge'.
Bleh!
Whatever happened to just having REAL friends that you picked with an eye NOT toward what they could DO for you, but toward genuine common interests and compatible personalities and just plain 'ole LIKING THEM? Whatever happened to just helping someone because it's the RIGHT THING TO DO? And not something you do in order to GET something from them? Does anyone out there even GET that anymore?
Some days, I really wonder.
The bottom line is that EVERYTHING has been turned into a commodity now - even such things as 'friendship' and 'compassion' (which is of course then not real friendship and compassion, but I really wonder if many people appreciate the difference any longer).
Maybe I'm showing my age here, but it didn't used to be this way...even as late as the early 1990's. And I can't help but wonder if the internet, which is in ways a good thing, has not succeeded in making this world so utterly impersonal that no one even sees a PROBLEM with this anymore. It's just the natural evolution of a world bent on ever-increasing levels of anonymity and non-involvement - a world in which genuine friendship is becoming so rare that we substitute for IT what we substitute for everything else that is lacking in our modern lives: money, and the 'cool stuff' that money can buy so that we can entertain ourselves out of our fundamental loneliness and thirst for something REAL, for a 'frakkin' change!
Lately, I have had a fair amount of time to think about both my past (what worked, what didn't - both in my career and personal life) and my future - how I want to spend the rest of my days. And I have to say that for all of it's usefulness....for all of it's ability to entertain...and for all of it's ability to bring people together to an extent (as on this board, for example...where we have all met people we never would have met IRL), I have to state that the authenticity of my relationships was MUCH stronger before the internet. And I say that as someone who reached adulthood pre-intenet. Maybe part of it was where I lived during my earlier adult life - Anchorage, Alaska - a much smaller community than the large city I live in now, where traffic makes it difficult to get around and people who work together every day can live 100 miles apart. But I found that back then, I had MANY more friends in real life than I do now...and that those friendships required more commitment (precisely because they were 'in person') than internet 'friendships' do today. I mean seriously - internet friendships are easy....because they don't ask all that much of anyone. Often, the people are in separate cities...or even separate continents...so their ability to truly HELP in a real personal crisis is practically nil. A 'commitment' on the internet is simply a matter of turning up every few days in a community like this to have a bit of fun. Nothing is REALLY on the line - nothing is REALLY at risk. And if a 'friend' pisses you off or expects you to actually BE there for them, all you have to do is put them on 'ignore', and for you, the good times keep rollin'. Heaven forbid you have to learn how to struggle through such messy issues as hard times, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings! Heaven forbid you have to take your time away from 'fun' to genuinely hold someone's hand through a serious Dark Night. On the internet, 'friendship' is easy, because running away from a problem - even permanently, is only a mouse click away....and real commitment is never required.
I guess it's no wonder that we are seeing the rise of 'social networking', now is it? When we are coming up on having a generation of people now who have known nothing else but the sort of impersonal sorts of lives many of us now lead - lives that no longer require real COMMITMENT from people.
Just my 2 cents.
Similar threads
