Sexy or Creepy?

[Biffette]

I don't know how to make it more clear that I was in control of this situation. I could have stopped it whenever I wanted to. I could have prevented the kiss from happening by not even allowing a bijou bijou goodbye. I could have prevented any of it happening by refusing when he first asked if he could walk with me. There was no danger to me, there was no power play involved. I allowed this to happen.

If you were in complete control of the situation, then what about it do you think could be considered creepy?

 

[Amaris]

It just seems like a moment when caution was thrown to the wind, kind of a "seize the day" moment. Our lives are so short, we don't get very many of those, and this looks like such an opportunity seized, a frozen frame, something to always remember. If it becomes more, like a relationship, it can be looked upon with laughter and fondness. If it was a chance encounter that never happens again, then it was two ships passing through the night on different destinations, trading company only for a moment.

Then again, I may just be a hopeless romantic who has watched one too many French films and dreams of such things.

 

[thestrangequark]

^That's how I'm feeling about it more and more...and I'm wondering if I'm just conveying the mood of the experience accurately enough!

I don't know how to make it more clear that I was in control of this situation. I could have stopped it whenever I wanted to. I could have prevented the kiss from happening by not even allowing a bijou bijou goodbye. I could have prevented any of it happening by refusing when he first asked if he could walk with me. There was no danger to me, there was no power play involved. I allowed this to happen.

If you were in complete control of the situation, then what about it do you think could be considered creepy?

Well, my being in control of the situation (or perhaps it's more correct to say I had equal control of the situation), at the time doesn't really have anything to do with how I ultimately analyze it later, except in allowing me to state clearly that this wasn't any kind of assault. Has no one ever experienced something new and been uncertain how to think about it? Or been just a little uncertain about an interaction with another person? Perhaps I'm just more confident in my sexuality than other people who are posting here. I just don't see how a man kissing a woman who was giggling and flirting with him in a very public place, in broad daylight, could be seen as something so extreme as assault.

Kes is right: we don't go through every interaction planning out exactly how it wil happen and spelling out every word and action so that the other person will be certain how things will play out...human interaction is more subtle than that. I flirted with him: I giggle when he talked, I let him get close enough to me to hold me and kiss me. I think these are all fairly clear signs that even though I didn't expect a kiss, and was so surprised as to not be sure how I felt about it afterwards, he wasn't going to get a punch in the face for trying.

ETA: I'm also wondering more and more if gender is not coming into this, if only subconsciously. As mentioned earlier, I doubt very much that if I were a man, and I posted this exact story, but with a sexy woman approaching me instead of a man, flirting for 5 minutes, and then stealing a french kiss, that anyone would be saying I'd been molested!

 

[Amaris]

^That's how I'm feeling about it more and more...and I'm wondering if I'm just conveying the mood of the experience accurately enough!

Oh, you conveyed it quite well. I think what you're seeing is how we approach situations where our personal space is intruded upon. Some see it as a welcome thing, while others view it as more of a violation, and it's from that basic vantage point where conclusions are drawn.

For me, if I'm speaking with someone in a congenial manner and opening up to them emotionally and intellectually, they are welcome within my personal space. If I am closed off, I make it quite clear, and no one is welcome. Talking to a warm, friendly, exotic and charming person on a nice walk home around sunset? If I became any more inviting I'd have a "Vacancy" sign hanging around my neck.

ETA: I'm also wondering more and more if gender is not coming into this, if only subconsciously. As mentioned earlier, I doubt very much that if I were a man, and I posted this exact story, but with a sexy woman approaching me instead of a man, flirting for 5 minutes, and then stealing a french kiss, that anyone would be saying I'd been molested!

Possibly. I'm a bit gender blind myself. I get more invested in people emotionally and intellectually than I do physically (though that's still a major part of things!). When I read your post, my first thought was how would I react to such a situation, and for me, it would be a welcome one, albeit surprising! To be fair, too, I love human contact. I'm very tactile. I like to touch and be touched, though I always respect those who do not.

 

[thestrangequark]

I agree. And I think part of the initial ambiguity I felt (which has completely dissipated after the conversations in this thread), was due to the fact that I usually am very closed off. I'm definitely the typical headphones in, sunglasses on, don't look at me New Yorker. It was atypical behavior for me to be so receptive to him, but at the time and place, I was okay with it. I wonder if I asked this question in a different venue, how the responses would vary...I bet if I asked people at a party or at a concert the answers would lean more toward the sexy than the creepy side of things. It'd be an interesting experiment (for me, at least!).

 

[Kestra]

those who do not

meeeeeeeee

 

[thestrangequark]

^

 

[Amaris]

I agree. And I think part of the initial ambiguity I felt (which has completely dissipated after the conversations in this thread), was due to the fact that I usually am very closed off. I'm definitely the typical headphones in, sunglasses on, don't look at me New Yorker. It was atypical behavior for me to be so receptive to him, but at the time and place, I was okay with it.

That's the great thing about moments like that, and why we get so few of them. Sometimes things just work out in fun, unexpected ways. It's the salt that is worth savoring.

I wonder if I asked this question in a different venue, how the responses would vary...I bet if I asked people at a party or at a concert the answers would lean more toward the sexy than the creepy side of things. It'd be an interesting experiment (for me, at least!).

Now that the romance has happened, it's time for science!

meeeeeeeee

I had you specifically in mind when I typed that.

 

[thestrangequark]

I wonder if I asked this question in a different venue, how the responses would vary...I bet if I asked people at a party or at a concert the answers would lean more toward the sexy than the creepy side of things. It'd be an interesting experiment (for me, at least!).

Now that the romance has happened, it's time for science!

You know me too well!

 

[YellowSubmarine]

It all depends on how attractive he was. If the most attractive woman came out of nowhere and kissed me without even introducing herself, that would be sexy. If she was unattractive, on the other hand... um... well.. I'm unattractive, so even starting a conversation with a women is considered creepy. At least that's what they say every time I do. That's why I only admire them from a distance, although that almost got me in trouble once.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

^Not pointless. At least not for me. I think it's interesting to hear what others think and it's a fun story to share either way. That's not pointless. If you think it's pointless, why bother joining in?

Hmmm...here I think I may have come across unclearly--I'm certainly not vulnerable. I was never out of control of the situation...like I said, I could have said no to the bijou bijou, I could have stopped the kiss, I could have given him a piece of my mind had I felt so inclined. At that moment, though, I didn't. I was surprised, not overtaken.

The confliction I think isn't a sign of vulnerability. It's a sign of contemplation and strength.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but you were vulnerable, far more than you realize. The fact that he kissed you without your consent proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I completely disagree. And as I'm the one whose vulnerability is in question, I'm the most qualified to make that statement. Perhaps the subtleties of such an interaction simply cannot be appropriately conveyed over the internet, or perhaps you've just never had the experience of a sort of uncertain flirtation. Or perhaps it's a gender thing. But saying that I'm vulnerable because I let someone steal a kiss is a bit insulting.
I let a stranger steal a kiss...this means that I consciously put myself in a situation where he could do so. Though it came as a surprise, and I'm still ambivalent about what to think of him, there is a difference between being taken advantage of and consciously (and safely, again, think of the time and place where this occurred) putting oneself in the position where a man can make moves on you.
If at any moment I'd felt vulnerable or out of control, I would've ended it. Believe me, I've lived in big cities all my life, and on my own in NYC since I was a teenager...I know how to take care of myself when it comes to unsavory men on the streets.

You know what's insulting? When the showing of concern that you were probably manipulated by someone out of your league is considered an insult. You know what else is insulting? Soliciting feedback and then pleading insult when you get a response that you disagree with.

 

[Amaris]

You know what's insulting? When the showing of concern that you were probably manipulated by someone out of your league is considered an insult. You know what else is insulting? Soliciting feedback and then pleading insult when you get a response that you disagree with.

Chill.

 

[thestrangequark]

It all depends on how attractive he was. If the most attractive woman came out of nowhere and kissed me without even introducing herself, that would be sexy. If she was unattractive, on the other hand... um... well.. I'm unattractive, so even starting a conversation with a women is considered creepy. At least that's what they say every time I do. That's why I only admire them from a distance, although that almost got me in trouble once.

Oh I couldn't disagree more! While attractiveness undeniably plays a role in this things, you must remember that everyone has different tastes. Between my three roommates and you'll find very different tastes in men...I'll be drooling over someone, and all my roommate can say is "really?" She'll bring home a man she thinks is gorgeous and all I can think is, "Girl, you could do better."

On top of that, I've met some very attractive, VERY CREEPY men. And some unattractive, totally awesome men. These traits are not mutually exclusive.

 

[thestrangequark]

^Not pointless. At least not for me. I think it's interesting to hear what others think and it's a fun story to share either way. That's not pointless. If you think it's pointless, why bother joining in?

Sorry to burst your bubble, but you were vulnerable, far more than you realize. The fact that he kissed you without your consent proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I completely disagree. And as I'm the one whose vulnerability is in question, I'm the most qualified to make that statement. Perhaps the subtleties of such an interaction simply cannot be appropriately conveyed over the internet, or perhaps you've just never had the experience of a sort of uncertain flirtation. Or perhaps it's a gender thing. But saying that I'm vulnerable because I let someone steal a kiss is a bit insulting.
I let a stranger steal a kiss...this means that I consciously put myself in a situation where he could do so. Though it came as a surprise, and I'm still ambivalent about what to think of him, there is a difference between being taken advantage of and consciously (and safely, again, think of the time and place where this occurred) putting oneself in the position where a man can make moves on you.
If at any moment I'd felt vulnerable or out of control, I would've ended it. Believe me, I've lived in big cities all my life, and on my own in NYC since I was a teenager...I know how to take care of myself when it comes to unsavory men on the streets.

You know what's insulting? When the showing of concern that you were probably manipulated by someone out of your league is considered an insult. You know what else is insulting? Soliciting feedback and then pleading insult when you get a response that you disagree with.

What? I am so utterly confused by this statement. I was not manipulated. And I just personally have a long running issue with people who misuse words like "rape" and "molestation," or who assume I'm vulnerable without even knowing me. The situation I described does not constitute molestation, and to misuse term is extremely insulting. Furthermore, you continue to insult me by saying this guy was out of my league? Wow, way to fling the low blows.

 

[Amaris]

It all depends on how attractive he was. If the most attractive woman came out of nowhere and kissed me without even introducing herself, that would be sexy. If she was unattractive, on the other hand... um... well.. I'm unattractive, so even starting a conversation with a women is considered creepy. At least that's what they say every time I do. That's why I only admire them from a distance, although that almost got me in trouble once.

Oh I couldn't disagree more! While attractiveness undeniably plays a role in this things, you must remember that everyone has different tastes. Between my three roommates and you'll find very different tastes in men...I'll be drooling over someone, and all my roommate can say is "really?" She'll bring home a man she thinks is gorgeous and all I can think is, "Girl, you could do better."

On top of that, I've met some very attractive, VERY CREEPY men. And some unattractive, totally awesome men. These traits are not mutually exclusive.

Very true! One of my friends is getting married this spring. He met someone about 3 months ago, and they just fell right into love. Several people have told him that he could do better, and I've heard the same on her side, that her friends don't approve, and I find it all to be a bit silly, as if love and attraction is dependent upon what others think.

Now, while this may not be love in your case, it's still a special moment in which you find pleasure and meaning, and that in itself is worth enjoying. Hell, knowing me, it could have been the same Frenchman and I wouldn't have turned him away, either. Though, upon reflection, I am not sure he'd have been as willing.

 

[thestrangequark]

^ Oh, J., Do you realize how awesome you are?

 

[Deckerd]

If he'd been Scottish, on the other hand....

Oi!

 

[thestrangequark]

^I'm not kidding. I can't be held accountable for my actions around a Scotsman.




And I'm really not around them nearly enough!

 

[Amaris]

^ Oh, J., Do you realize how awesome you are?

Yes, but I like hearing it.

 

[Deckerd]

Oh right. I thought you were inpugning our menfolk. Although having said that, I'm surrounded by them and I have to say I think you might be viewing them through rose tinted specs.

And a lot of soft focus.

As to your story: romantic. If he phones you, you'll have to tell us what you decide to do.