Seems Odd to Me *blink*

[Adm_Hawthorne]

From today's Miss Manners column:

Our 26-year-old son lives out of state in San Francisco where unfortunately (from our point of view as traditional parents) he has partially gone native by having what we hope will be his first and last live-in girlfriend / concubine/mistress / future-spouse/ POSSLQ. How can we continue to show him a proper mix of parental affection and disapproval? We are planning to visit his part of the country soon. He proposes bringing his live-in along to overnight stays in a resort, while I’m not inclined to socialize with her until she’s an honest woman, or our son is on his deathbed.
However, I don’t particularly want to push them into each other’s arms, because I don’t think our son is yet mature enough to marry, nor do I think they are all that suited to each other. I think both are losing out by not continuing to court rather than to make a decision that forecloses this possibility. Their affairs are beginning to entangle, e. g., a car they own together.

http://www.buffalonews.com/2010/05/13/1048939/trying-to-find-a-happy-balance.html

I can appreciate a parent wanting what is best for their child, but I have to say this strikes me as terribly odd.

This guy is nearly 30 and living in a different state. We don't know what his affairs are (money wise), but, based on what this parent said about the car, I can only assume he's living on his own financially.

I would think someone who can move to a different state and live independently of his parents is more than mature enough to make a decision about who he chooses to live with.



I mean, I read this, and I get it. The parents don't approve of living with someone before you're married to them, but it's fairly common place, and I'm really having a hard time taking their concerns on manners seriously when they called her a concubine and mistress in the same breath as girlfriend and future-spouse.

I don't know... the whole letter just seems... off.

Am I the only one with this feeling?

 

[John Picard]

Sounds to me like his parents are the typical religious controlling type.

 

[Gov Kodos]

They sound very old-fashioned in manners. It may be the son is far from that for this very reason. And folks don't need to be religious at all to be controlling and over bearing on their children at what ever age.

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

They sound very old-fashioned in manners. It may be the son is far from that for this very reason. And folks don't need to be religious at all to be controlling and over bearing on their children at what ever age.

This is very true.

I think it's the idea that the parents are trying to use manners as a means to explain away their odd controlling behavior of their 26 year old son that baffles me.

He and I are the same age. I can't imagine my parents presuming to tell me how to live my life at this point. Although they say they don't want to push him, that's exactly what they're doing, isn't it?

Edited to correct age

 

[John Picard]

They sound very old-fashioned in manners. It may be the son is far from that for this very reason. And folks don't need to be religious at all to be controlling and over bearing on their children at what ever age.

This is very true.

I think it's the idea that the parents are trying to use manners as a means to explain away their odd controlling behavior of their 28 year old son that baffles me.

He and I are the same age. I can't imagine my parents presuming to tell me how to live my life at this point. Although they say they don't want to push him, that's exactly what they're doing, isn't it?

Right. It's called being passive aggressive.

 

[Gov Kodos]

As it is a Buffalo newspaper this is in, the guy may be in SF just to get away from these folks foremost. The comments to the letter are a hoot as well. Someone should tell these folks to at least catch up to the 20th century.

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

Ah, I am unfamiliar with dealing in passive aggressive situations. All of the people in my life (except, oddly, my roommate) are very straightforward people. I think the term is they 'shoot from the hip'. This may be why I find this really odd and kind of offensive in a round about way.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

The attitudes of the parents are not that uncommon. I think it's silly and dated, but to each their own.

I'd sure like to know why they think it's their job to show their disapproval, though. He's 26, he doesn't need to be parented anymore. It's obvious his parents have not realized their true position in his life. He lives in another state, he's taking care of himself, and he's living his own life. They can either be a part of his life as he chooses to live it, or they can butt the hell out. The choice is theirs.

 

[kes7]

Sounds to me like his parents are the typical religious controlling type.

I missed the part of that letter that said anything about religion.

Controlling, definitely.

 

[John Picard]

Sounds to me like his parents are the typical religious controlling type.

I missed the part of that letter that said anything about religion.

Controlling, definitely.

Based on my experiences and observations, religion doesn't have to be mentioned. I merely stated "Sounds like".

 

[propita]

Ah, I am unfamiliar with dealing in passive aggressive situations. All of the people in my life (except, oddly, my roommate) are very straightforward people. I think the term is they 'shoot from the hip'. This may be why I find this really odd and kind of offensive in a round about way.

Simple and common example of passive-agressive:

Person A insults Person B. Person B is hurt/offended. Person A says, "What? Can't you take a joke?"

Which is different from "I was only joking," which could at least be impliedly apologetic, depending on Person A's assholiness.

Consider yourself lucky to have avoided such people. They like to blame you for them being a jerk--it can't be that they are jerks, you must be wrong. I think some narcissism gets wrapped up in there.

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

Ah, I am unfamiliar with dealing in passive aggressive situations. All of the people in my life (except, oddly, my roommate) are very straightforward people. I think the term is they 'shoot from the hip'. This may be why I find this really odd and kind of offensive in a round about way.

Simple and common example of passive-agressive:

Person A insults Person B. Person B is hurt/offended. Person A says, "What? Can't you take a joke?"

Which is different from "I was only joking," which could at least be impliedly apologetic, depending on Person A's assholiness.

Consider yourself lucky to have avoided such people. They like to blame you for them being a jerk--it can't be that they are jerks, you must be wrong. I think some narcissism gets wrapped up in there.

I think the state I live in lends itself to having more straightforward people than passive one. Don't get me wrong. We have a lot of narcissistic arses, but they've very up front about it.

 

[Kestra]

It's not odd to me at all. My parents are overinvolved in my life and the lives of my siblings. I'm the youngest, at 26 (soon to be 27). I'm not saying their attitudes are good or healthy or productive, I just don't find it all that odd.

Clearly they have quite different and rigid values as well, so that is going to create conflict and a situation that they do not know how to deal with.

 

[Australis]

When I met my gf/wife, back in the 70s, my parents were very aware of what we were up to. They didn't like it, but they went with it. They had a few rules, like no sleeping together in their house, but I got it. I should add that was when I was 19-21. 26? Not so much.

I don’t think our son is yet mature enough to marry,

"My son is my baby! He's too young!"

nor do I think they are all that suited to each other.

"She's a bitch! Leading my abby astray! HE should be like those other kids that wait!"

I think both are losing out by not continuing to court rather than to make a decision that forecloses this possibility

"He's still my baby!"

I wonder what will happen in 10 years.

BTW, my parents said similar, though not so strongly.. Seems they were kinda right too. But when you're in your 20s, do you listen?

 

[Pingfah]

My parents used to let my girlfriend stay in the spare room when I was a teenager, but when we were sure that my parents were asleep she would sneak into my room (she was only human after all) and we would set the alarm so she could get back to her room before my parents woke up. One night we forgot to set the alarm and my mother walked in with a cup of tea for me to find us in bed together. The look on her face was one of great disappointment.

She tried to give me the whole "my house, my rules" lecture later on, but it was hard to take it seriously with my father standing there grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

 

[Misfit Toy]

You'd think that they would be happy enough that he lives in San Francisco and is heterosexual.

 

[auntiehill]

My sister lived with her husband for 5 years before they got married. My parents put them in separate rooms whenever they came to visit. It wasn't until year 5, when they started talking about marriage, that they caved in and let them stay in the same room.

They were always very polite to them, but told them out-right that they weren't comfortable with unmarried children sharing rooms with their SOs ; it bothered them, period. But then, as Adm_Hawthorne said, here in Texas, people tend to be rather, er, BLUNT, and my Mom is one of those people. My Dad and my sister, however, still pull that passive-aggressive bullshit that drives me and mom absolutely spare.

 

[darthraidr]

ahh... you see this parent is from the "real America" and the son, has now gotten mixed up with "fake America." they are worried that when they visit "his part of the country" they too will cease being "real Americans."

honestly, the mom just sounds like a control freak. i'd wager this is her first child and she doesn't want to admit that he has grown up and chosen his own life.

 

[sidious618]

"Honest woman?" These people need to get a grip.

 

[Mary Ann]

This could have been written by my father, which is why I live across the ocean from him. I love him but he's a very stern Roman Catholic and drives me up the wall.