Old Fashioned Good Manners

[Jan]

Oh, my, I would so love to meet you.

That's nice of you to say, thanks.

In a semi-related theme, back when I worked at a hotel front desk, I used to make a game out of making grumpy people smile. It made for a much more happy experience all around.

These days, I tend to make a point of smiling and greeting people I encounter in passing or at the mailbox or similar situations. No special reason, it's just that so few people do that anymore. The mailman at my complex was a particular challenge. He'd diligently avoid noticing anybody so I always made a point of giving him a cheery greeting. Little by little, at least with me, he progressed from grunts of acknowledgement to returning the greeting and yesterday was a particular victory. He noticed me from across the parking lot and waved to me before I did to him.

Jan

 

[KimMH]

^ You seem sweet. you should join us in the commie lounge. We're fun and nice people are always welcome! We have at least one troll and in spite of himself he's quite nice too!

 

[RJDiogenes]

Jan, you reminded me of this:

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4[/yt]

 

[lightsword]

To me, old fashioned good manners is not to cuss in public. Especially using the F work. No reason that needs to ever be used in public or the GD word. Please don't cuss in public, that is good manners.

 

[T'Girl]

I was brought up military so Sir and Ma'am just roll out of my mouth, and Ms is pretty general purpose for adult women.

I'm still working on when to use Professor when I take classes, is it everyone who's a Ph.D? Seem a strange question to just ask.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

To me, old fashioned good manners is not to cuss in public. Especially using the F work. No reason that needs to ever be used in public or the GD word. Please don't cuss in public, that is good manners.

The only time I routinely and blatantly swear in public is when I'm at...oh, just check my Location: field.

 

[scotpens]

My parents were friends for a while with a couple who were the parents of a classmate. They asked us (me and Hubby) to call them by their first names. Couldn't do it. So they suggested “Auntie Barbra” and “Uncle Henry” Doable. First name but some respect for people who were my parents' ages and not really friends of mine.

That's interesting. I once worked for a couple who had three teenage daughters, and there was a close friend of the family (not a blood relative) whom the girls addressed as Uncle Byron. It seems lots of families have someone the kids call “aunt” or “uncle” who doesn't necessarily meet the biological definition of those terms.

Kind of like in the antebellum South, where slaves legally had only first names, but it was thought that children ought to address elderly blacks in a respectful way, so older slaves were called “Aunt” or “Uncle” So-and-so.

And I always address doctors as “Dr. Lastname,” even if I've known them for years, or if they're younger than I am. I feel it's just a matter of professional courtesy.

 

[Kestra]

Jan, you reminded me of this:

I find hugs to be mostly uncomfortable and terrifying. I realize, however, that refusing a hug is generally frowned upon. I wonder what manners are appropriate in such situations.

 

[scotpens]

I find hugs to be mostly uncomfortable and terrifying. I realize, however, that refusing a hug is generally frowned upon. I wonder what manners are appropriate in such situations.

I find unwanted hugs to be embarrassing and distasteful. However, different cultures have different ideas regarding public and/or unsolicited physical affection. I think the best thing to do is just steel yourself and try not to look too uncomfortable.

The customary greeting of the air-hug and air-kiss is generally accepted in the entertainment world and throughout much of urban America. For those unfamiliar with this ritual, the trick is to ALMOST hug the person you're greeting, and to ALMOST kiss them on the cheek, but without actually making physical contact. You might want to practice it with your spouse or S.O., just in case you get invited to a Hollywood fundraiser or this year's Oscars.

 

[trampledamage]

I find hugs to be mostly uncomfortable and terrifying. I realize, however, that refusing a hug is generally frowned upon. I wonder what manners are appropriate in such situations.

I find unwanted hugs to be embarrassing and distasteful. However, different cultures have different ideas regarding public and/or unsolicited physical affection. I think the best thing to do is just steel yourself and try not to look too uncomfortable.

This is my usual response. Luckily few people try twice!

One thing that surprises me in this thread is that it might be a bad thing to refer to someone by their first name if they're working in a store and have a name tag. I have been trying to remember to use people's names if they have a tag, because I thought it would be considered pleasant. I'd hate to think I'd been annoying people.

 

[Jan]

One thing that surprises me in this thread is that it might be a bad thing to refer to someone by their first name if they're working in a store and have a name tag. I have been trying to remember to use people's names if they have a tag, because I thought it would be considered pleasant. I'd hate to think I'd been annoying people.

In the scenario you describe, I doubt that anybody would take it as anything other than friendly and pleasant. The instances that I disliked back when I wore name tags were the sorts where people would use my name to try to create a non-existant intimacy such as "C'mon, Jan...you can give me a better deal than that!"

Jan

 

[Amaris]

I usually tried to remove that excessive formality when people would ask me questions. When I worked in the electronics department, people would say "Excuse me sir, we need help on picking out a TV", to which I would reply, "Please, call me John, and I would be happy to help you find the right television for your needs". I stayed formal, and had them become informal with me. It made things much easier.

 

[bluedana]

It might have been a Lent experiment from some year, but I've gotten into the habit of pausing and smiling, saying "Hello" or "Hi," before ordering something at a restaurant (fast food or otherwise) or starting a cash register transaction at the supermarket. Most of the time, it sets the tone for the whole encounter. I let my school age children order their own meals so that they can learn the proper way to do it ("May I please have a ...") and prompt them ("And we say...?" "Thank you!") if necessary.

Conversely, I don't tolerate rudeness as a customer: someone taking my food order and simultaneously having a conversation with a co-worker will earn a "I'll wait until you're ready" from me; don't place my change on the counter if I've handed the money to you - I'll stare at it until you get the point. I don't care if someone responds to my "Thank you" with a "No problem," so long as there's a polite response of some kind. To me, the quintessential bad manners is not acknowledging the other person.

One thing I do struggle with as a parent is teaching my kids how to accept an apology. If someone hurts them by accident or insults them and apologizes, what's a good response for a child? "I accept your apology" just seems too formal. "It's okay" seems disingenuous, since it isn't okay.

 

[Amaris]

It might have been a Lent experiment from some year, but I've gotten into the habit of pausing and smiling, saying "Hello" or "Hi," before ordering something at a restaurant (fast food or otherwise) or starting a cash register transaction at the supermarket. Most of the time, it sets the tone for the whole encounter. I let my school age children order their own meals so that they can learn the proper way to do it ("May I please have a ...") and prompt them ("And we say...?" "Thank you!") if necessary.

Conversely, I don't tolerate rudeness as a customer: someone taking my food order and simultaneously having a conversation with a co-worker will earn a "I'll wait until you're ready" from me; don't place my change on the counter if I've handed the money to you - I'll stare at it until you get the point. I don't care if someone responds to my "Thank you" with a "No problem," so long as there's a polite response of some kind. To me, the quintessential bad manners is not acknowledging the other person.

One thing I do struggle with as a parent is teaching my kids how to accept an apology. If someone hurts them by accident or insults them and apologizes, what's a good response for a child? "I accept your apology" just seems too formal. "It's okay" seems disingenuous, since it isn't okay.

Yes! I always greet the server or attendant before placing any order. To me that just makes sense. I see people do this all the time, they walk up to the counter and before the service clerk can say anything it's "yeah give me a cheeseburger..." and so on. I just can't be rude like that.

 

[iguana_tonante]

One thing I do struggle with as a parent is teaching my kids how to accept an apology. If someone hurts them by accident or insults them and apologizes, what's a good response for a child? "I accept your apology" just seems too formal. "It's okay" seems disingenuous, since it isn't okay.

"I will hold my vengeful hand from just retribution... for the time being. You will not fail me a second time."

 

[Marten]

I was brought up military so Sir and Ma'am just roll out of my mouth, and Ms is pretty general purpose for adult women.

I'm still working on when to use Professor when I take classes, is it everyone who's a Ph.D? Seem a strange question to just ask.

Wouldn't a person with a Ph.D be called Doctor X (X is a variabel, not an evil genious), since the D is for Doctor?

I'm not a native speaker of English, but isn't anyone who teaches at a university referred to as Professor?

 

[bluedana]

One thing I do struggle with as a parent is teaching my kids how to accept an apology. If someone hurts them by accident or insults them and apologizes, what's a good response for a child? "I accept your apology" just seems too formal. "It's okay" seems disingenuous, since it isn't okay.

"I will hold my vengeful hand from just retribution... for the time being. You will not fail me a second time."

The sad part is? I can see my 5-year-old daughter saying that.

 

[trampledamage]

One thing I do struggle with as a parent is teaching my kids how to accept an apology. If someone hurts them by accident or insults them and apologizes, what's a good response for a child? "I accept your apology" just seems too formal. "It's okay" seems disingenuous, since it isn't okay.

"I will hold my vengeful hand from just retribution... for the time being. You will not fail me a second time."

The sad part is? I can see my 5-year-old daughter saying that.

Was just thinking the same thing!

 

[Timewalker]

In answer to the two questions upthread:

1. The term "Doctor ________" is acceptable, because they have a doctorate.

2. After somebody apologizes to you, it's acceptable to say "thank you."

 

[Holdfast]

I'm still working on when to use Professor when I take classes, is it everyone who's a Ph.D? Seem a strange question to just ask.

Wouldn't a person with a Ph.D be called Doctor X (X is a variabel, not an evil genious), since the D is for Doctor?

I'm not a native speaker of English, but isn't anyone who teaches at a university referred to as Professor?

Depends where in the world you are. In the UK, it's a rather rarified title, reserved for the most senior academic staff members only, often holders of specific chairs within the university. Below that you have lecturers, readers and other similar titles. So only full Professors get to be called Professor; all the rest get the title due their highest degree (eg PhD's are called Dr). This actually got shook up slightly in my own alma mater (which is otherwise the most conservative of institutions) with introduction of Titles of Distinction recently, because - in short - there were way too many very senior academics in the university and way too few chairs. So they made up some extra (non-chair conferring) posts to let these guys get to be called Professor and so mollify their wounded egos a little.

In the US, things are much looser. As well as full professors, you have associate and assistant professors and they're all allowed to be called professor. Generally the assistant profs won't have tenure whereas the associates and full profs will, but they're all called professors. Non-tenure-track teachers won't generally be called professor though.