Movie Caption Contest #91: The Worst of Both Worlds

[Rat Boy]

All signs point to...another caption contest. Since the Trek XI Contest is folding, I figure it was time to move the Movie Contest back into its Monday timeslot, the same day that made such shows as Dancing with the Stars, 24, and Monday Night Football so popular. First up, let's draw attention to...

For a quick geography lesson, our winner is...

SULU: Strange how Chinese it is since we're in North Beach and not Chinatown. Where did all the Italians go?
SCOTTY: [burp] In mah belly!

For a quick math lesson *shudder*, our winner is...

"Do me like an algorithm Wesley"??

And finally for a tag-team history lesson, our winners are...

WOMAN:"Hey...NO sixties television stars with beer guts on my street, okay? GO!

We had enough trouble with the Mannix and Lost in Space casts."

Doohan: "But you let Karl Malden and Michael Douglas hang around here."

Woman: "That because they the Straights of San Fransisco."

Congratulations to the winners and here are our updated totals:

Nerys Myk (Hall of Fame) 41
Candlelight (Hall of Fame) 39
cooleddie74 (Hall of Fame) 31
Gertch (Hall of Fame) 25
Shatmandu (Hall of Fame) 22
The Laughing Vulcan (Hall of Fame) 20
Outpost4 16
Triskelion 15
Turd Ferguson 14
Diesel Micky Dolenz 12
Nebusj 11
scottydog 11
middyseafort 11
EliyahuQeoni 10
DS9Sega 10
BriGuy 9
zephramc 9
Kegek 8
cultcross 7
Tharpdevenport 7
John_Picard 6
Atavachron 6
Herkimer Jitty 6
LeadHead 6
SciFi75 5
Finn 5
The Cutest of Borg 5
Alrik 5
CaptainJon 4
Haggis and Tatties 4
Skywalker 4
NCC-1701 4
Defcon 4
Kirby 4
jptrekker 4
Bad Atom 4
Sisu 3
David_Leese 3
archerguy1701 3
Starpaul20 3
ancient 3
chancellorjake 3
Peach Wookie 3
SeerSGB 3
J. Allen 2
Arthur Frelling Dent 2
Lloyd_Dobbler 2
nil_jones 2
OphaClyde 2
Gagarin 2
casey 2
Redshirts Widow 2
Cky 2
Mistral 2
captain crow 2
cardinal biggles 1
Vasquez Rocks 1
Valin 1
Nathan_Heller 1
Guartho 1
Alyssa 1
A beaker full of death 1
rmkwebdesign 1
Starlock 1
Admiral Garak 1
Broccoli 1
Mister.Woof 1
The Squire of Gothos 1
A Chimpanzee & 2 Trainees 1
battrekker 1
DrBob 1
Sector7 1
USS Mariner 1
hmbnimbus 1
S'Kai 1
H F Mudd 1
dukesman 1
Fire 1
Super Grover 1
Johnnyracefan 1
SciFi75 1
jongredic 1
BriGuy 1
26138 1
Toban Kal 1
trilbymonkey 1
Will 1
Captain Mike 1
Civil Shadow 1
Piper 1
T'Boggan 1

Oh, how fate works in mysterious ways. If I hadn't done the rotation of caption contest pictures just right and if I hadn't done the April Fool's joke, this remarkable confluence of events wouldn't have happened. You see, as we celebrate the release of the latest Star Trek movie this week, it seems only fitting that we also get to make fun of the two worst movies and for this occasion, we have two shots apiece. First up, Scotty's pride goes before the fall, but not by much. Second, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy realize with horror that they should have taken up that offer from Jenny Craig. Third, Data doesn't understand why Picard can't drive 55. And finally, Patrick Stewart and the remaining cast toast their movie successors, hoping that may Roddenberry have mercy on their souls. Enjoy:

 

[Rat Boy]

OSHA violations...OF THE FUTURE!

To entice them to come down, Sulu and Uhura did a fan dance duet...

Kirk: "FIRE THE BOOSTER ROCKETS!"

Picard: "Wheeeeeee!"

Data: "Captain, I believe the vehicle is still in neutral."

Picard: "By the way, I had this blended with Data's transmission fluid."

*spit take*

 

[John Picard]

Data: "Captain, the other driver flipped you the bird over your lack of signaling".

 

[Rat Boy]

Kelley: "My Hyundai!"

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Scotty: Ack! That's where I left that beam!

Sulu (off-camera, below): Why hello!
McCoy: It's not what you think! It's not what you think!

Data: I was unaware that ATV recreation was popular in the countryside of France.

Picard: Do you like the wine?
Everyone: Yes.
Picard: Really?
Everyone: Yes.
Picard: Well, I have to tell you I made it with my very own <BEEEEEEEP>

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

"I know this ship like the back of my hand..." thunk


Meanwhile in a galaxy far far away...

Luke: "What's wrong?"

Obi Wan: "Something terrible has happened, as if millions of Star Trek fans were suddenly overwhelmed with shame and despair. You should continue with your training."

McCoy: "I think I just felt the baby kick."
Spock: "What are you a Doctor of anyway?"
Kirk: "Too many mintjuleps killing the brain cells."

Data: "In the event of an emergency, I have been programmed to act as a satnav."

Picard: "What do you think?"
Troi: "Needs more wood alcohol"
Riker: "Maybe some antifreeze."
Worf: "KOrt'cha V'Ort"
Geordi: "What's that?"
Worf: "Klingon Paintstripper, cut with napalm."
Crusher: "Still won't wash the taste of this movie out of my mouth."

 

[Shatmandu]

Riker: "I'll never forget the first time I let Data watch me pee ..."
*five spit takes*

Picard, finishing glass: "Right. Let's swing by Best Buy and pick up another robot, shall we?"

Data: "Captain, we are swerving very close to suckitude."

 

[Captain Crow]

Your head, apply directly to the bulkhead!
Your head, apply directly to the bulkhead!
Your head, apply directly to the bulkhead!

Data: Captain, the left turn signal is still on.

Riker, thinking to self: Cheap flat root beer, yum.

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Kirk and McCoy realized that there are more decks than there is room for.

Picard: All right, now it's time for the ladies to engage in a little "two girls, one cup."

 

[cooleddie74]

"My mind to your mind...my thoughts...to your two-prong socket."

SPOCK:"Alright...who spooned my genitals?"

DATA:"If we hurry, we can avoid seeing most of this movie, Captain."

We switched Jean-Luc Picard's 2321 vintage Chateau Picard from his own family vinyards with Taster's Choice.

Let's see if anyone notices!

 

[cooleddie74]

The Gorilla Glue-in-the-service-walkways trick.

Works EVERY TIME.

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: I think they wish to pass.

PICARD: Okay enough with the preliminaries. Let the swinging begin!

 

[cooleddie74]

"Would this be a bad time for a Chinese Fire Drill, Captain?"

PICARD:"I ejaculated into one of the glasses. I wonder which one of you will ge...



UGGGGGH. DAMMIT!!!"

 

[Diesel Micky Dolenz]

Data: "I am sorry, Captain, but I am unfamiliar with the term, 'road head.'"

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Data:My tricorder indicates that this scene is a bit self-indulgent.

 

[cooleddie74]

DATA:"Permission to initiate positronic net self-destruct sequence, sir?

Before the film gets any worse?"

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

McCoy: Damnit, Spock! I'm getting exhaust up my ass.
Kirk: Must be the bourbon and beans.

 

[BriGuy]

McCoy: A mouse!

Data: Off route. Recalculating...

Stewart: And a toast to us, the finest cast in Star Trek history! It's been a pleasure working with you all.

Dorn: Blowhard
Burton: Prima donna douche bag...
Sirtis: I am so tired of drinking food-colored water
Frakes:I hope there's some of those little hot dogs in blankets on the appetizer table..

 

[BriGuy]

Spiner: I'm not sure I get it, Patrick. Why'd you fight so hard for this scene in the movie?

Stewart: It's my revenge for all those autograph-demanding, living-in-their-parents'-basement, never-kissed-a-girl geeks. One sight of a vehicle with wheels in a Trek flick and they'll be so beside themselves they'll be complaining about it on the Internet for years... well, between jerking off to porn, that is.

 

[LeadHead]

Doohan resorted to extraordinary measures to keep from having to film additonal scenes in The Final Frontier.

Kirk: There's a Nemesis pic below us! FIRE THE ROCKETS!

Data: Perhaps we should stop for directions.

Picard: I don't need directions.

Data: Captain, we're on the wrong planet!

Picard: I propose a toast.

Riker: To what?

Picard: What do you mean? Get me some toast Damnit!