TheLonelySquire
Vice Admiral
When a man and a woman meet and find true love they can stay together forever. It's the best thing going.
Monogamy, non-Monogamy, Polyamory
- Thread starter CaptainStoner
- Start date
When a man and a woman meet and find true love they can stay together forever. It's the best thing going.
TheLonelySquire
Vice Admiral
Well, I didn't quite want to reveal a lot in this thread, but I am in such a situation. And a lot of it makes sense. It's not poly out of anything contrived. None of this bullshit with "firsts" and "seconds" and whatnot. (apologies to those who find usefulness with such terminology)She lives alone, and happens to have a boyfriend of 10 years, so quite a solid thing there. Communication, and integrity, have been very high since the beginning. So I have been able to say things like, "I fucking hate this", and its not met with a hard line. I speak my mind and wrestle, and indeed suffer, with the whole thing. They don't call it "polyagony" for nothing.
I am beginning to believe that some things can be changed, as you say - familiarity has softened things a lot. However, there is a biological component at work that I don't think can be changed, and I'm not sure women can understand how it feels in men. (and vice versa, meaning no disrespect)
Not all men have this gourami-like energy in the same amounts. One guy I know in a poly situo looked at me like I was from Mars when I spoke of chest-thumping type feelings. He just doesn't have it. I do, and strongly. I don't have a lot of jealousy otherwise, which is why I've been able to realize this biological component and differentiate it from other types of jealousy.
Where this energy exists, I think it is very important to not suppress it, and perhaps, not necessary to analyze it, or try to think I can "get over it". This is who I am, and how I feel. When she is with him, sometimes, I feel the animal in me, I can't sleep, I am depressed, I am in agony. Not because I'm wrong to feel this way, but because this is me. Kind of like Kirk in STV.
It's not something that comes easily, but I am managing. I continue to be very honest about how I'm feeling about it all, about how it is unsettling, and very hard to imagine any kind of lasting future in such a situation. Periodically I remind myself that I have all the strength needed to change my own level of involvement in "the equation", as my beloved woman and I call it.
Overall, it's not for me, but I've made an exception due to this extraordinary connection, which both her and I feel is orders of magnitude deeper and stronger than anything previous, the huge love one has been carrying around one's whole life is finally met and received. The circumstance of it all just isn't what I would have chose. Tell it to the moths, eh? A life is there to be lived, not turned from. It's an adventure.
Last year, after 13 years of being together (8 of those married), my wife told me she wanted to be polyamorous. Needless to say, that was quite a shock.
I didn't think it was something I could handle but my love for her was strong enough that I was willing to give it a shot, as the alternative would probably have been a divorce. I figured I'd rather share her than lose her completely. Here we are, 18 months later, and we're still together. Her boyfriend lives with us, and I get along with him pretty well. (If we didn't, I don't think it would work at all.)
It's difficult, I'll admit. I had to disassociate myself from a lot of my feelings and emotions, which was a painful process. I had to teach myself that it would be OK, that if I felt a twinge of jealousy, I could just set it aside and not let it affect my day-to-day life. Unfortunately I now come across as "cold". But I think that's better than blubbering and being emotional all the time.
I don't have any interest in finding someone else for myself. For one thing, she would be very jealous of anyone else. I recognize the hypocrisy of that, but since I don't have the desire I just let it pass. So I consider myself to be a monogamous individual who's involved with someone who is polyamorous.
I'm conflicted about it in some ways. I definitely feel it's a valid choice for people and if all partners can handle it, then by all means, go for it. But there's more to handling it than simple jealousy, such as the logistics of living with / being with someone else, personality conflicts, etc. It's not something to just jump into.
I didn't think it was something I could handle but my love for her was strong enough that I was willing to give it a shot, as the alternative would probably have been a divorce. I figured I'd rather share her than lose her completely. Here we are, 18 months later, and we're still together. Her boyfriend lives with us, and I get along with him pretty well. (If we didn't, I don't think it would work at all.)
It's difficult, I'll admit. I had to disassociate myself from a lot of my feelings and emotions, which was a painful process. I had to teach myself that it would be OK, that if I felt a twinge of jealousy, I could just set it aside and not let it affect my day-to-day life. Unfortunately I now come across as "cold". But I think that's better than blubbering and being emotional all the time.
I don't have any interest in finding someone else for myself. For one thing, she would be very jealous of anyone else. I recognize the hypocrisy of that, but since I don't have the desire I just let it pass. So I consider myself to be a monogamous individual who's involved with someone who is polyamorous.
I'm conflicted about it in some ways. I definitely feel it's a valid choice for people and if all partners can handle it, then by all means, go for it. But there's more to handling it than simple jealousy, such as the logistics of living with / being with someone else, personality conflicts, etc. It's not something to just jump into.
Your wife is cool.
That really doesn't sound healthy at all. It sounds more like you're so desperate to keep her you'll go along with anything she suggests, even if it makes you miserable. And she won't even let you go play around. I wouldn't call that a polyamorous relationship. I'd call it being dominated--which some guys are into, but it doesn't sound like you're particularly enjoying it.
It works for some people; it doesn't work for others. It's that simple.
I'm polyamorous by nature but I've never actually been in that situation. The closest thing to it was I used to have a promiscuous roommate who would have a different guy every couple of weeks. A lot of people find that gross and there is no denying the health risks involved doing that. I was never grossed out by it at all and actually enjoyed listening to her getting it on because it was obvious she enjoyed it.
She let me have sex with her four different times, mostly I think because she was so grateful that I didn't think less of her morally because of her lifestyle.
I definitely don't think polyamouroy is for everyone. Nobody should ever be pressured into that lifestyle. By the same token though, nobody should be pressured into a monogamous lifestyle. If someone is poly by nature, how good a wife or husband will they make? Better for us all to be true to our nature as long as all involved are consenting adults.
I'm polyamorous by nature but I've never actually been in that situation. The closest thing to it was I used to have a promiscuous roommate who would have a different guy every couple of weeks. A lot of people find that gross and there is no denying the health risks involved doing that. I was never grossed out by it at all and actually enjoyed listening to her getting it on because it was obvious she enjoyed it.
She let me have sex with her four different times, mostly I think because she was so grateful that I didn't think less of her morally because of her lifestyle.
I definitely don't think polyamouroy is for everyone. Nobody should ever be pressured into that lifestyle. By the same token though, nobody should be pressured into a monogamous lifestyle. If someone is poly by nature, how good a wife or husband will they make? Better for us all to be true to our nature as long as all involved are consenting adults.
I don't believe monogamy with the same person for the rest of your life is really a natural thing. I think it has its merits and I believe it can be done, but I don't really think of it as natural. Might just be my own personality, though. I'm sure different people have different instincts and they should do whatever is right for them and their partner(s).
sex_of_nine
Ensign
I'm all for 100% Monogamy. But, its everyone else that pisses me off.
- People that live at home with Mom/Dad/Siblings, and haven't realized that kicking you out of bed and smuggling you quietly out of the apartment/house in the middle of the night isn't cool or going to get you repeat rolls in the sack anytime soon.
- I don't care that my love-interest's parents/siblings are not yet ready to embrace the fact that everyone involved (all of whom are adults) are also sexual beings.
- People that can't keep their personal/love lives & their professional life ~separate~. I don't care that you work AND live with your Foster Mom/Dad or Biological Family-Members. How long do you expect to keep the lie going? Until you're 45? 55? 65 Years Old? GROW UP! FUCK OFF!!!
- INSISTING on keeping things from moving beyond Booty-calls, Fuck-Buddies, Friends-With-Benefits. Meanwhile, the girl pisses & howls at the top of the her lungs about AIDS, Herpes, Jesus, People Being Disappointed, Wrong Impressions. Don't call me, I won't call you.
Seems appropriate, though...Ood's wife said she wanted to be 'poly', but didn't bother consulting him or asking how he might have felt? And she gets to have a boyfriend, but she'd get mad jealous if he picked up another girl? There's red flags going up here...
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Seems appropriate, though...your wife said she wanted to be 'poly', but didn't bother consulting you or asking you how you might have felt? And she gets to have a boyfriend, but she'd get mad jealous if you picked up another girl? There's red flags going up here...
That's beyond "Red Flags" that's "time for a fucking divorce"
Me either. We change and grow so much as we age. It seems unrealistic to think that a couple who got together in their early twenties are going to grow and change in lock-step throughout their entire lives. It's much more likely that by age 40 (probably sooner, actually) the two will have moved in such different directions that they are no longer compatible. This shouldn't be looked at as a sad or tragic thing. It's natural.
If a couple actually does manage to grow and change together in a compatible way, more power to them. It's great! This shouldn't be a standard all couples are held to though.
You know, I was specifically avoiding that word, trying to be nice.
Seems appropriate, though...Ood's wife said she wanted to be 'poly', but didn't bother consulting him or asking how he might have felt? And she gets to have a boyfriend, but she'd get mad jealous if he picked up another girl? There's red flags going up here...
That's beyond "Red Flags" that's "time for a fucking divorce"
Agreed.
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I don't know, I've always thought that it's a natural thing for a person to "fall into love" with more than a single person. As such I've always been open to the idea of multiple partners.
Well, plenty of men dream about a threesome, but how many have the will and stamina to actually pull it off? Not many, I'd wager. In my younger bachelor days, on a few occasions I did have sex with two different women -- one in the morning, the otehr in the evening -- and it was a thrill. But my conscience bugged me. -- RR
See, the way I look at it at least, this is the typical confusion most people fall to when this subject arises. It's about the level above simple sex and fantasy fulfillment. It's about actually loving more than a single person.
