Monogamy, non-Monogamy, Polyamory

[StarryEyed]

Well, plenty of men dream about a threesome, but how many have the will and stamina to actually pull it off? Not many, I'd wager. In my younger bachelor days, on a few occasions I did have sex with two different women -- one in the morning, the other in the evening -- and it was a thrill. But my conscience bugged me. -- RR

Maybe your consciousness would not have bugged you if you could have known that neither the AM or PM chick would have cared.

That's the problem with one standard - we're all lumped together. Monogamous and non-monogamous people are thrown into the same mix and it is easy for the latter to hurt the former. That wouldn't be the case if there wasn't this social stigma against casual sex. In that case, people interested in that sort of thing would more easily find each other and there would be no need to scam monogamous people.

 

[Red Ranger]

Last year, after 13 years of being together (8 of those married), my wife told me she wanted to be polyamorous. Needless to say, that was quite a shock.

I didn't think it was something I could handle but my love for her was strong enough that I was willing to give it a shot, as the alternative would probably have been a divorce. I figured I'd rather share her than lose her completely. Here we are, 18 months later, and we're still together. Her boyfriend lives with us, and I get along with him pretty well. (If we didn't, I don't think it would work at all.)

It's difficult, I'll admit. I had to disassociate myself from a lot of my feelings and emotions, which was a painful process. I had to teach myself that it would be OK, that if I felt a twinge of jealousy, I could just set it aside and not let it affect my day-to-day life. Unfortunately I now come across as "cold". But I think that's better than blubbering and being emotional all the time.

I don't have any interest in finding someone else for myself. For one thing, she would be very jealous of anyone else. I recognize the hypocrisy of that, but since I don't have the desire I just let it pass. So I consider myself to be a monogamous individual who's involved with someone who is polyamorous.

I'm conflicted about it in some ways. I definitely feel it's a valid choice for people and if all partners can handle it, then by all means, go for it. But there's more to handling it than simple jealousy, such as the logistics of living with / being with someone else, personality conflicts, etc. It's not something to just jump into.

Cuckold

You know, I was specifically avoiding that word, trying to be nice.

The word in Spanish is cabron! -- RR

 

[Red Ranger]

Well, plenty of men dream about a threesome, but how many have the will and stamina to actually pull it off? Not many, I'd wager. In my younger bachelor days, on a few occasions I did have sex with two different women -- one in the morning, the other in the evening -- and it was a thrill. But my conscience bugged me. -- RR

Maybe your consciousness would not have bugged you if you could have known that neither the AM or PM chick would have cared.

That's the problem with one standard - we're all lumped together. Monogamous and non-monogamous people are thrown into the same mix and it is easy for the latter to hurt the former. That wouldn't be the case if there wasn't this social stigma against casual sex. In that case, people interested in that sort of thing would more easily find each other and there would be no need to scam monogamous people.

Nah, I was conscious the whole time! -- RR

 

[T'Bonz]

It depends on the situation, but not everyone feels instantly jealous when their partner spends time with someone else.

Quite true. Plus - people can have a bit of jealousy and be able to handle it and/or not have to express it.

I don't think I could pull it off without a problem.

I wouldn't call that a polyamorous relationship. I'd call it being dominated--which some guys are into, but it doesn't sound like you're particularly enjoying it.

I'd call it being taken advantage of by someone selfish. There are worse things than being alone or losing someone.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

When a man and a woman meet and find true love they can stay together forever. It's the best thing going.

I agree, and i won't turn this into a debate on gay marriage, i promise you.

 

[Daneel]

I don't believe monogamy with the same person for the rest of your life is really a natural thing.

I think I kinda love you.

Yes, I agree; I don't believe that human beings are hardwired for monogamy -- I might go so far as to say that being with one person is downright unnatural, but I'm sure others will disagree. I know plenty of people can pull it off, but there are also plenty who can't. We are sexual beings, and I think that if most people were honest with themselves, they'd admit that they can't keep their sexual desires focused on one person. And I say: why should they?

I'm pretty I'd be open to a polyamorous relationship; I've never been part of one, but I think it's something I could do.

 

[Kestra]

I don't believe monogamy with the same person for the rest of your life is really a natural thing.

I think I kinda love you.

Sorry, don't think I could do the polyamory thing! I suppose it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility because I have never tried it, but I have a feeling it wouldn't be my thing.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

When a man and a woman meet and find true love they can stay together forever. It's the best thing going.

I agree, and i won't turn this into a debate on gay marriage, i promise you.

No problem. And I won't either!

 

[Gepard]

Yes, I agree; I don't believe that human beings are hardwired for monogamy -- I might go so far as to say that being with one person is downright unnatural, but I'm sure others will disagree.

I don't see why people keep bringing this up as a pro-polyamory argument, like if monogamy needs to be learned than it won't work. I mean, we're not hardwired to drive cars, either, and zooming along at 55 miles-per-hour in big metal box is pretty damn unnatural, but most people do it just fine for most of their lives.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

Yes, I agree; I don't believe that human beings are hardwired for monogamy -- I might go so far as to say that being with one person is downright unnatural, but I'm sure others will disagree.

I don't see why people keep bringing this up as a pro-polyamory argument, like if monogamy needs to be learned than it won't work. I mean, we're not hardwired to drive cars, either, and zooming along at 55 miles-per-hour in big metal box is pretty damn unnatural, but most people do it just fine for most of their lives.

Except for the women of course...

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I think it's silly to talk about what people are "hardwired" for on something like this. When it comes to a relationship, everyone involved has to decide what they are and aren't okay with. While one person (or both) might change their mind over time, it helps to discuss these things up front so there's no confusion, or so you can end things before they get too complicated.

If my wife said she wanted to play around but that I wasn't allowed to, I'd tell her to get lost. That's ridiculous. Actually, as far as I'm concerned, it represents the cardinal sin of a relationship: disrespect. I would never stay with someone who is constantly disrespectful to me. Obviously, there will be arguments and people will say unkind things to each other, but if it's a daily occurrence for one person to treat the other like shit, it's time to walk.

 

[USS Triumphant]

I'd call it being taken advantage of by someone selfish. There are worse things than being alone or losing someone.

Then again, maybe this situation fulfills some sort of Christ-complex that Ood could have going.

"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?! Yeah." - The Offspring

My wife and I have been polyamorous for nearly 20 years, but I've never been very popular in the poly community online, because we've always talked honestly and upfront about things, we've never and would never be with anyone who wasn't interested in a relationship with both of us (whether that included sex with both or not), and I have a hard time letting people talk about how their 'V's that they started behind their partners back are "going badly" without pointing out to them that the heart of their problem is that they are treacherous whores. (And I'm applying that word to both sexes in this context.)

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

My wife and I have been polyamorous for nearly 20 years, but I've never been very popular in the poly community online, because we've always talked honestly and upfront about things, we've never and would never be with anyone who wasn't interested in a relationship with both of us (whether that included sex with both or not), and I have a hard time letting people talk about how their 'V's that they started behind their partners back are "going badly" without pointing out to them that the heart of their problem is that they are treacherous whores. (And I'm applying that word to both sexes in this context.)

And that made you unpopular?

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I'd call it being taken advantage of by someone selfish. There are worse things than being alone or losing someone.

Then again, maybe this situation fulfills some sort of Christ-complex that Ood could have going.

"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?! Yeah." - The Offspring

My wife and I have been polyamorous for nearly 20 years, but I've never been very popular in the poly community online, because we've always talked honestly and upfront about things, we've never and would never be with anyone who wasn't interested in a relationship with both of us (whether that included sex with both or not), and I have a hard time letting people talk about how their 'V's that they started behind their partners back are "going badly" without pointing out to them that the heart of their problem is that they are treacherous whores. (And I'm applying that word to both sexes in this context.)

Sounds like your perspective is the same as mine on this. My wife and I agree that it's only cheating if we're sneaking around behind each other's backs. Really, what reason is there to do that? If one of us has misgivings about the other's choice of partner, we should say so. There are women my wife thinks I shouldn't be intimate with, and there are men I think she shouldn't be with, either. We respect those choices. It's not a matter of jealousy, either, but usually a judgment of character. There are some people it's just a bad idea to get involved with, and you may not always see that yourself.

But we don't really have casual sex with others, either, we try to cultivate a relationship, as long as they understand that my wife and I are married and we have a family together, and that's not going to change. Anyone who views that as a challenge is not someone I'd want to be involved with, either. Anyone I'm with has to respect that I have no intention of leaving my wife or abandoning my family.

I can't believe this sort of viewpoint is unpopular in the poly community. Then again, I'm not associated with any such communities.

 

[USS Triumphant]

My wife and I have been polyamorous for nearly 20 years, but I've never been very popular in the poly community online, because we've always talked honestly and upfront about things, we've never and would never be with anyone who wasn't interested in a relationship with both of us (whether that included sex with both or not), and I have a hard time letting people talk about how their 'V's that they started behind their partners back are "going badly" without pointing out to them that the heart of their problem is that they are treacherous whores. (And I'm applying that word to both sexes in this context.)

And that made you unpopular?

Well, I try to be polite and considerably more subtle than that, but these aren't generally dumb people, and they're more than a little defensive about something that I feel certain they know they shouldn't have done in the first place, so they don't take kindly to it. Especially not when my advice for resolving their 'V' problem was generally for them to look at their obligations to their partner and to their kids (if any) and try to act with a bit of honor.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Sounds to me like the community needs a reality check if they're as insensitive as it seems...

 

[Ood Sigma]

Well, this thread has been a good reminder of why I tend not to share this information with people. I should have known I couldn't convey my actual circumstances in a few paragraphs without having people judge, extrapolate, and make unwarranted and incorrect assumptions.

My original point was to encourage the OP that it can work, but that you have to be careful and really examine your feelings, and that it's not something you can do overnight. The fact that I still struggle with this was meant to be proof of that, not anything else.

[Sorry if this seems a little flouncy. It's not intended to be. Well, okay, a little... but everything I said is true. ]

 

[USS Triumphant]

I can't believe this sort of viewpoint is unpopular in the poly community. Then again, I'm not associated with any such communities.

I'll leave the names of the particular lists and groups out, but suffice it to say, my wife and I joined them to talk to other people in our circumstance - a poly couple looking for a unicorn, er, I mean, a single bisexual female who wants to live with a couple. There was some of that, but those places also seemed to be FILLED with people who were either fooling around on their spouse, trying to call it "poly" and not understanding why that wasn't working out for them, and the flipside - people who had had that pulled on them by their spouse, and were trying hard to make something work that they shouldn't have been forced into, because they loved their spouses or because they didn't know what else to do.

Well, this thread has been a good reminder of why I tend not to share this information with people.

Please don't take offense. If you're happy, we're happy. (Or at least, I'M happy - don't want to speak for The Collective. )

It's just that you didn't sound very happy. If you don't mind me asking, did you and your wife talk about poly first, you agreed, and then she found a boyfriend, or was the order reversed? (Or was some step in that missing altogether?)

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Well, this thread has been a good reminder of why I tend not to share this information with people. I should have known I couldn't convey my actual circumstances in a few paragraphs without having people judge, extrapolate, and make unwarranted and incorrect assumptions.

My original point was to encourage the OP that it can work, but that you have to be careful and really examine your feelings, and that it's not something you can do overnight. The fact that I still struggle with this was meant to be proof of that, not anything else.

[Sorry if this seems a little flouncy. It's not intended to be. Well, okay, a little... but everything I said is true. ]

That you have to "struggle" with your wife's desire to sleep with others, while denying you the same freedom, is a bad sign.

 

[Kestra]

Yes, I agree; I don't believe that human beings are hardwired for monogamy -- I might go so far as to say that being with one person is downright unnatural, but I'm sure others will disagree.

I don't see why people keep bringing this up as a pro-polyamory argument, like if monogamy needs to be learned than it won't work. I mean, we're not hardwired to drive cars, either, and zooming along at 55 miles-per-hour in big metal box is pretty damn unnatural, but most people do it just fine for most of their lives.

I don't think it's meant as a pro-polyamory argument. At least that's not how I intended it when I stated it.