I appreciate the suggestion, but I'd rather not raise any false hopes and will say it upfront that books never helped me (and yes, I have readymade excuses for any possible piece of advice). I'm far too emotionally repressed, far too reliant on my hyperactive conscious mind to do the mental legwork they want me to do, and I invariably get angry at myself for doing everything the book says and then still not feeling that relief, epiphany or improvement that the text suggests would come easily, as though there is something obvious right in front of my eyes, perhaps something that I even know of and acknowledge consciously but can't process emotionally, that keeps eluding me no matter how hard I try. To make it worse, if I manage to understand something about myself as a result, it will give me a dopamine fix by itself that will make me feel just okay enough to make me forget all about my problems for a few weeks, preventing me from taking any steps to change... because I know that the moment I start working on myself, it will make me feel miserable, when I'm feeling okay right now; it's the best it ever was in my life, it will probably not get any better for a while and I don't want to lose this little bit of respite for an extremely hypothetical chance of it finally becoming good for real that would require me to go through hell in its pursuit, not to mention the crushing knowledge that everything I've ever tried so far failed and only taught me how suppress my negative emotions even more tightly, allowing for my inevitable meltdowns to be scarcer and less severe, and fooling people into believing I'm becoming a well-adjusted adult. By the time the high wears off, I'll be once again too miserable to lift a finger for myself, leaving me with no choice but to find another way to get some of that dopamine I crave so much. Rinse and repeat. People who know me well eventually learn the cycle and give up on me, and I can't say I blame them.
