A
Amaris
Guest
This. My brain still tells me I'm 18 years old and that my future is long and bright! My body begs to differ, of course.I'm 20 years older than you and have the same problem.
Mental Wellness Support Group
- Thread starter Twilight Phoenix
- Start date
I've thought about posting in this thread and haven't, until today.
Barely holding it together, alternating between depression and anger boarding on outright rage.
Let's just say I was, what we call in Canada, a Crown Ward. Childhood was extremely unpleasant. Things happened to me that shouldn't happen to any child.
I'm a member of a class action lawsuit against the province of Ontario for the extreme forms of abuse, every conceivable form of abuse, a child could endure and that I did.
I was managing just fine in life until, ironically, I learned of the class action lawsuit and relived every single thing. Even then I was managing almost ok until I had to write my affidavit last spring. I've just been a raw, open wound for almost a a year now.
Well, the lawsuit was settled almost two years ago. The amount was an absolute insult considering it covered a range of almost 50 years. 10 million dollars in a pool, to be divided amongst all claimants covering a 50 year period.
The lawyers have been paid in full, the administration firm that's supposed to handle the compensation has been paid in full and we victims still wait.
Originally we were told we'd get our pittance in November so I thought "Closure for Christmas will be nice". November came and went with nothing.
Then in December we were told if we didn't receive our cheques by January 31st, 2023 to contact the administration firm. No one received a cheque. Then, just last week the administration firm announced "We've just received the settlement funds and are now processing claims" so, bottom line, we were deliberately mislead twice. I don't even believe their latest announcement. And I don't even know what I'm getting as a settlement because of the "pool" the settlement funds were put in.
I've been keeping this too myself, only my wife and one friend of mine know what happened to me.
I went from being a very fit, athletic 6'2" 215lbs to 167lbs. I can't even stand the site of myself in the mirror. Skin just kind of sags and hangs when you lose 50lbs in less than a year.
I had a decent career going as a singer-songwriter and freelance journalist. Now, I do nothing except try to put on a brave face for my wife or scare the hell out of her when I give voice to my darker thoughts.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I think I just need to "get it off my chest"
Barely holding it together, alternating between depression and anger boarding on outright rage.
Let's just say I was, what we call in Canada, a Crown Ward. Childhood was extremely unpleasant. Things happened to me that shouldn't happen to any child.
I'm a member of a class action lawsuit against the province of Ontario for the extreme forms of abuse, every conceivable form of abuse, a child could endure and that I did.
I was managing just fine in life until, ironically, I learned of the class action lawsuit and relived every single thing. Even then I was managing almost ok until I had to write my affidavit last spring. I've just been a raw, open wound for almost a a year now.
Well, the lawsuit was settled almost two years ago. The amount was an absolute insult considering it covered a range of almost 50 years. 10 million dollars in a pool, to be divided amongst all claimants covering a 50 year period.
The lawyers have been paid in full, the administration firm that's supposed to handle the compensation has been paid in full and we victims still wait.
Originally we were told we'd get our pittance in November so I thought "Closure for Christmas will be nice". November came and went with nothing.
Then in December we were told if we didn't receive our cheques by January 31st, 2023 to contact the administration firm. No one received a cheque. Then, just last week the administration firm announced "We've just received the settlement funds and are now processing claims" so, bottom line, we were deliberately mislead twice. I don't even believe their latest announcement. And I don't even know what I'm getting as a settlement because of the "pool" the settlement funds were put in.
I've been keeping this too myself, only my wife and one friend of mine know what happened to me.
I went from being a very fit, athletic 6'2" 215lbs to 167lbs. I can't even stand the site of myself in the mirror. Skin just kind of sags and hangs when you lose 50lbs in less than a year.
I had a decent career going as a singer-songwriter and freelance journalist. Now, I do nothing except try to put on a brave face for my wife or scare the hell out of her when I give voice to my darker thoughts.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I think I just need to "get it off my chest"
Good idea. People strongly underestimate the power of getting it off your chest and outside your own head. There's a reason why journaling and such is a part of most therapeutic processes.
However, it also sounds like depression is trying hard to kick your ass. Having been there very recently, and knowing that I don't like burdening other people (ever, and quite ironic coming from a mental health professional) I would strongly recommend you don't follow my example and seek some professional help. You have some shitty things happen to you, and that doesn't even sound like the tip of the iceberg. You've kept it to yourself inside and it sits like a toxic pressure cooker. I think you need a little bit more support to keep on.
Finally, you are doing something-you continue on and support your wife. That is not "doing nothing." Getting up, getting dressed, trying to function is hard when you're struggling. Don't cheapen those small victories.
So sorry to hear this. Hang in there.
Oh man, that's rough. I'm sorry you're going through all that.
@Winterwind I'm so sorry. Nothing I say would be adequate, so I'll just second @fireproof78. *hugs*
Hey folks. I appreciate the supportive posts.
I didn't reply sooner because I regret posting about what I'm going through. In general, I'm a deeply private person, the stoic, suffer in silence type.
I didn't know how to reply. Would I simply say thanks and nothing more? Would I respond to advice offered or observations made?
As of Friday, the administration firm updated their site saying the cheques are "in the mail". But they've said that before and lied. And even if they are this time, I won't know the amount until it arrives. I'm supposed to receive 45K but all the money is in a pool of $10 million which covers a 48 year period and who knows how many people. I'm expecting to be grievously insulted when it does arrive.
As for being a support for my wife... Fireproof78, I "love ya" for the sentiment, I really do. But the reality is I'm the albatross around her neck.
I've barely had any income this past year. We've been solely dependent on her salary and things are pretty bleak and the pantry pretty empty. Honestly, it's the one time I wish I had a traditional clock punching job. It's damned hard motivating myself to write an article or record and release music feeling as low as I do with my physical health as impaired as it is by my mental and emotional state.
On the subject of talking to someone... That's why I posted here in the first place, kind of like Boyce saying to Pike "Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he won't tell his doctor."
Growing up in the family court system, I've had my share of social workers and counselors. I will never really trust judges, lawyers, coppers, doctors, etc.
I've tried before, at different times in my life. It's never helped. Usually, and I'm not being arrogant, I'm more intelligent and better versed in psychology than the person I'm trying to talk to or I get some ridiculous suggestions/advice that never address the underlying cause. Seriously writing little lists or treating myself isn't worth much.
As you can imagine, I've kept to myself most of my life. Outside if my wife there are only two people I speak with. One us my oldest friend, we've known each other about 20 years. Heh. She's a social worker actually that helps abused women and children. The other is a buddy I've known about as long but we never talk about anything because, quite simply, he's usually too stoned to understand what I'm saying.
That said, I am seeing my family doctor this week for all of this. She's quite good, brilliant in fact so we'll see.
Who knows? Maybe the cheque arrives this week, the amount isn't an insult and we'll be debt free and I take what comfort and closure I can.
Again, my thanks for the sympathy and empathy. It is appreciated.
I didn't reply sooner because I regret posting about what I'm going through. In general, I'm a deeply private person, the stoic, suffer in silence type.
I didn't know how to reply. Would I simply say thanks and nothing more? Would I respond to advice offered or observations made?
As of Friday, the administration firm updated their site saying the cheques are "in the mail". But they've said that before and lied. And even if they are this time, I won't know the amount until it arrives. I'm supposed to receive 45K but all the money is in a pool of $10 million which covers a 48 year period and who knows how many people. I'm expecting to be grievously insulted when it does arrive.
As for being a support for my wife... Fireproof78, I "love ya" for the sentiment, I really do. But the reality is I'm the albatross around her neck.
I've barely had any income this past year. We've been solely dependent on her salary and things are pretty bleak and the pantry pretty empty. Honestly, it's the one time I wish I had a traditional clock punching job. It's damned hard motivating myself to write an article or record and release music feeling as low as I do with my physical health as impaired as it is by my mental and emotional state.
On the subject of talking to someone... That's why I posted here in the first place, kind of like Boyce saying to Pike "Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he won't tell his doctor."
Growing up in the family court system, I've had my share of social workers and counselors. I will never really trust judges, lawyers, coppers, doctors, etc.
I've tried before, at different times in my life. It's never helped. Usually, and I'm not being arrogant, I'm more intelligent and better versed in psychology than the person I'm trying to talk to or I get some ridiculous suggestions/advice that never address the underlying cause. Seriously writing little lists or treating myself isn't worth much.
As you can imagine, I've kept to myself most of my life. Outside if my wife there are only two people I speak with. One us my oldest friend, we've known each other about 20 years. Heh. She's a social worker actually that helps abused women and children. The other is a buddy I've known about as long but we never talk about anything because, quite simply, he's usually too stoned to understand what I'm saying.
That said, I am seeing my family doctor this week for all of this. She's quite good, brilliant in fact so we'll see.
Who knows? Maybe the cheque arrives this week, the amount isn't an insult and we'll be debt free and I take what comfort and closure I can.
Again, my thanks for the sympathy and empathy. It is appreciated.
Can I ask a dumb question without venturing too far in to deeper territory? What is the underlying cause? And you don't have to answer, but when you see your masterful, brilliant, doc, I hope you'll address some of this.
I'll be quite blunt in my statements, if I may channel my inner Dr. Boyce a moment, as well as some of the ancient Stoics. You say that writing little lists or treating yourself isn't worth much? What is worth much? Because, I find when I am depressed (as I currently am) that doing small things is worth a whole hell of lot to my mental health. Not because it changes my circumstances but because I did something that I set my mind too, be it getting up on time (a constant struggle), reading more (something I loath since grad school), or just exercising more (desk jobs suck). It has to start small.
The other side is something that I have learned and why I struggle with more artistic endeavors. I hate doing things badly. I don't like making poor art, or not playing music at a master level or succeeding the first time. But, that's the tyranny of perfectionism. It's being willing to do one thing, even a small thing, badly, for the sake of ourselves. If I may share in a way that I find quite embarrassing, I had to accept this with building a house. I'm terrible at it. I did ten vents for soffits over the weekend using a jig saw. Some of the cuts were quite poor. Not a single one matched the other. But, did it get done, and did it do the job? Yup. Even though I know the cuts suck.
Sometimes, our cuts just suck. It's worth doing anyway.
What @fireproof78 said - the little things add up. I started meditating 5 minutes a day several months ago, not expecting much, but with the passage of time I can see that my mental and emotional states are better. Plus, just committing to doing something for myself has made a big difference.
I don't believe I've ever posted anything personal in this thread... I'm looking into self-directed CBT. I'm not comfortable going into specifics, but I've found a very recently-published workbook that looks very suitable for my circumstances. Sorry to be so vague. 
Kor
Kor
Do you mind sharing the workbook? Most workbooks are actually pretty simple to use and CBT is a very good foundational therapy practice that just requires a lot of patience and willingness to try new skills as you learn them, and be willing to do them badly at first.I don't believe I've ever posted anything personal in this thread... I'm looking into self-directed CBT. I'm not comfortable going into specifics, but I've found a very recently-published workbook that looks very suitable for my circumstances. Sorry to be so vague.
Kor
It's this one. I do wonder a little about the author's qualifications as she just describes herself 'a psychologist' and explains about how she changed her college major from Accounting to Psychology, but doesn't provide any credentials. I tried Google and she doesn't seem to have a website or professional practice anywhere. I know lots of people have benefited from books of this type written by a layperson who has lots of personal experience, but with this sort of thing I usually look for authors with graduate degrees and/or licensure related to the subject matter.
Kor
Yeah, my radar is going off with her. Here's one I taught a class with.
ETA: @Kor if you want more specific ones I can do some brief research with my colleagues and through my work library and make some suggestions.
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It's ok. Whatever you feel comfortable with is good. *hugs*I don't believe I've ever posted anything personal in this thread... I'm looking into self-directed CBT. I'm not comfortable going into specifics, but I've found a very recently-published workbook that looks very suitable for my circumstances. Sorry to be so vague.
Kor
My last day in Africa.
I've been starting to have anxiety, and occasional attacks, thinking about the return.
There's a big snow storm that's going to be hitting in my final destination when I land so I'm worried:
- my plane from Paris to Montreal will be delayed and I'm going to lose my buffer period between landing and starting work
- My plane will be redirected to another destination and I'm going to lose my buffer period between landing and starting work
- My plane will land in Montreal but the weather is too bad for me to be picked up and I end up spending the night and possibly the next day in the terminal until the storm ends and the roads are cleared to be picked up, again taking away my buffer time until I have to start work again
Then there's other worries, like:
- That I'll lost my buffer time because of the storm and be a jet lagged wreck trying to work again
- That I'll get back to work and it will be decided that because they went almost a month without me they really don't need me and lay me off
- That I'll get back to work and it wi be decided that since they went almost a month without me I need a bigger work load and will dump more stuff on me
- That I'll get to work and find everything is an absolute disaster because I took nearly a month off (which would at least resolve the other two concerns)
Basically anything I can worry about just filling my head.
I've been starting to have anxiety, and occasional attacks, thinking about the return.
There's a big snow storm that's going to be hitting in my final destination when I land so I'm worried:
- my plane from Paris to Montreal will be delayed and I'm going to lose my buffer period between landing and starting work
- My plane will be redirected to another destination and I'm going to lose my buffer period between landing and starting work
- My plane will land in Montreal but the weather is too bad for me to be picked up and I end up spending the night and possibly the next day in the terminal until the storm ends and the roads are cleared to be picked up, again taking away my buffer time until I have to start work again
Then there's other worries, like:
- That I'll lost my buffer time because of the storm and be a jet lagged wreck trying to work again
- That I'll get back to work and it will be decided that because they went almost a month without me they really don't need me and lay me off
- That I'll get back to work and it wi be decided that since they went almost a month without me I need a bigger work load and will dump more stuff on me
- That I'll get to work and find everything is an absolute disaster because I took nearly a month off (which would at least resolve the other two concerns)
Basically anything I can worry about just filling my head.
***hugs***
I'm reminded of this joke.
A man had a pessimist and an optimist for kids. One Christmas, he decided to teach them a lesson...
He gave his pessimist a room full of all the toys he’d asked for that year. And for the optimist, he dumped a huge pile of horse manure in the back yard. A short while later, he went in to check on them.
He found the pessimist sitting in the middle of his room full of untouched toys, crying. He asked him why and his son said, “I just know that if I touch any of them, I’ll break them and I’m too afraid to do that!”
So he went to check on the optimist. He found her elbow deep in the manure, throwing it around! He said, “Hey! What are you doing???” And she replied, “Oh, daddy, I just know there’s a pony around here if I look hard enough!”
A man had a pessimist and an optimist for kids. One Christmas, he decided to teach them a lesson...
He gave his pessimist a room full of all the toys he’d asked for that year. And for the optimist, he dumped a huge pile of horse manure in the back yard. A short while later, he went in to check on them.
He found the pessimist sitting in the middle of his room full of untouched toys, crying. He asked him why and his son said, “I just know that if I touch any of them, I’ll break them and I’m too afraid to do that!”
So he went to check on the optimist. He found her elbow deep in the manure, throwing it around! He said, “Hey! What are you doing???” And she replied, “Oh, daddy, I just know there’s a pony around here if I look hard enough!”
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I've got myself stuck still on the whole job hunt and it's kind of stressing me out. Every time I think about going back to retail, I get nervous about going back into that environment and if I can handle dealing with the customers and co-workers, and whether I'm going to lose it and quit like I did my other jobs. So I think maybe I will try for one of the horse ranch/stable jobs but then I start thinking about how different that is from retail, and it's totally new to me, and I'll be dealing with an environment I've never been, and I'd have to learn a lot of new skills. The more I lean in one direction, the more I question if it's what I really want to do, and so I start leaning more in the other direction, but then I do the same thing, and go back the other way again.
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