"Tough love" is sometimes expected from strangers. It's especially hurtful when it comes from a spouse even after you've told them that it hurts and it continues, over and over again.
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- Thread starter Twilight Phoenix
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"Tough love" is sometimes expected from strangers. It's especially hurtful when it comes from a spouse even after you've told them that it hurts and it continues, over and over again.
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Amaris
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It's easier to handle from strangers (usually) because they don't know you, and they're trying to assess you from an outsiders perspective. Yeah, a spouse being hurtful? That's cruelty, and the pain is overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like a betrayal of trust when someone you love and admire jabs you with a sharp tongue.
Is there anyway you could tell them that it hurts you or makes you sad when they act that way?
It possible that they aren't aware that you find it injurous.
A
Amaris
Guest
If it hurts deeply enough, I will tell them after a while. If they keep at it, then I begin to conclude that any appearance of love or admiration from them is shallow, or a facade. That doesn't make it feel any better, but it does help me see them from a different perspective, and I can learn how to better control my reactions toward how they treat me. I still want them to love me, and be kind to me, but it's no longer paramount compared to the state of mind before. It differs, of course, from person to person.
The problem with people that believe in tough love is that they truly do feel like that is the best way to get through to people, even after you tell them how hurtful it is. And trust me, in just about every case it's happened with one of my loved ones, I tell them. Yet it keeps occurring.
Don't ever tell a stranger on the Internet that it's hurtful. They just dig deeper and seem to get off on the pain it causes.
Don't ever tell a stranger on the Internet that it's hurtful. They just dig deeper and seem to get off on the pain it causes.
Oh my! I disappear for a little bit and the talk goes to Tough Love! Yikes!
"Tough Love" might work in some cases, but only those cases where the person wants that to work. For example, my situation, Tough love would never have worked, it would have pushed both my wife and I further apart.
She's kind of aware of what she's doing to me right now, and she's warned me that she's going to actively try to push me away from her. This is a result of what she's going through, and it's not truly who she is. If I chided her for every hurtful comment or action she's taken, I think she would have walked away, not only from me but from getting the help she desperately needs. Patience and Understanding are what are required really, They're hard qualities to cultivate, but if you can, they can really help you to help others.
On the good side, my wife decided that she wanted to take any cancellation that came up at her psychologist this week, regardless of timing (she had previously turned down many cancellations because they were too early in the morning). I got her in for this morning. So now, she begins her therapy in earnest on a regular schedule. She has appointments now for every two weeks for quite some time. She was exhausted coming out of the appointment today. Can't say I blame her, I come out of my counselling sessions exhausted and I'm sure they're nowhere near as intense as her sessions.
She also agreed to see her psychiatrist tomorrow to review her medications that she's on. She's been saying for a little while that she needed to change them up because they don't seem to be working as well as they used to, but she's been too afraid to actually go in to get them changed up. This is a huge positive step.
It's still very strained between us, but I think I'm starting to get through that I'm here to support her in every aspect.
"Tough Love" might work in some cases, but only those cases where the person wants that to work. For example, my situation, Tough love would never have worked, it would have pushed both my wife and I further apart.
She's kind of aware of what she's doing to me right now, and she's warned me that she's going to actively try to push me away from her. This is a result of what she's going through, and it's not truly who she is. If I chided her for every hurtful comment or action she's taken, I think she would have walked away, not only from me but from getting the help she desperately needs. Patience and Understanding are what are required really, They're hard qualities to cultivate, but if you can, they can really help you to help others.
On the good side, my wife decided that she wanted to take any cancellation that came up at her psychologist this week, regardless of timing (she had previously turned down many cancellations because they were too early in the morning). I got her in for this morning. So now, she begins her therapy in earnest on a regular schedule. She has appointments now for every two weeks for quite some time. She was exhausted coming out of the appointment today. Can't say I blame her, I come out of my counselling sessions exhausted and I'm sure they're nowhere near as intense as her sessions.
She also agreed to see her psychiatrist tomorrow to review her medications that she's on. She's been saying for a little while that she needed to change them up because they don't seem to be working as well as they used to, but she's been too afraid to actually go in to get them changed up. This is a huge positive step.
It's still very strained between us, but I think I'm starting to get through that I'm here to support her in every aspect.
Thanks Scribble. I really hope you do find someone supportive to help out.
I just volunteered to be a figurative and literal punching bag for my wife when she needs it. She's feeling really crappy after her first true session. She finds her therapist a bit irritating. No surprise there, she's trying to dig where my wife has been repressing and not wanting to discuss most of her life, it's going to be irritating.
My counselor last week really annoyed the heck out of me by blowing up my entire worldview and basically telling me to pick up the pieces and put them back together in a healthy way. Ugh, it made me have to take part of the day off because I couldn't focus. But you know what? After a few days I saw what she was trying to tell me and she was probably right.
Therapy is difficult as heck when you first start it. You're confronting things you don't want to confront at all, but it's necessary.
I encourage all to get the help that's needed and please try hard to stick to it, no matter how irritating it is. It's difficult to go through, but it's short term pain (even if that short term lasts a long time) for long term gain.
My two problems have been finding therapists that understood my particular set of issues and money.
Once those two come together properly, I'll hold onto any therapist I find like they were what was keeping me alive. In a sense, that may very well be true.
Once those two come together properly, I'll hold onto any therapist I find like they were what was keeping me alive. In a sense, that may very well be true.
This. It's strikes a chord with me in that I really do believe all those associations with the weather (eg: under the weather). If I were to pinpoint one weather type that literally sucks the life out of me it would be humidity. I mope about the place a complete misery guts. It's not a cause for depression but one extra demon to fight. Then you don't sleep and that doesn't help either. How you are physically when you are emotionally vulnerable can make all the difference.
Anyway I hope you are being kind to yourself. There are no comforting words sometimes but if you can rely on yourself to be kind to you and touch base with others who don't bring you down, it might help a little.
The weather that most reflects my low mood is the endless low cover of grey crowd. You know the sun is shining, but not on you.
I get the humidity though. The hot summers and sleepless nights, but those are rare. The Simpsons capture it perfectly in Bart of Darkness. We long for summers like that.
I get the humidity though. The hot summers and sleepless nights, but those are rare. The Simpsons capture it perfectly in Bart of Darkness. We long for summers like that.
Mental health and wellbeing is unacceptably miss understood. I put my ill health down to not believing that I was affected. I thought that it was me doing something wrong. So it’s really unhelpful when a health professional reaffirms your original belief and puts it all on you.
This is all too true Butters!
It's doubly hurtful when the professional who is supposed to help you doesn't truly listen to what you're saying and insists you're on the proper course, even though you're sliding. This has happened with my Wife, who has Bipolar Disorder. Her psychiatrist insists that she only take lithium for this, as it's "the treatment". This is despite the fact that she has told him that she doesn't think it's working properly. He just ups her amount instead of looking into alternatives. There are many alternatives to Lithium, especially for those who are on the more depressive side of the Bipolar scale. She's finally got up the nerve to confront the doctor and demand different treatment, as the lithium really isn't helping her anymore.
It's very disheartening being told by your professional that you're wrong, keep on keeping on. This dink even told me one time, in full earshot of her, "don't listen to her about this, it's all in her head". Took my entire self-control to keep from knocking the guy out. I wanted her to change psychiatrists, but there's such a shortage in Ottawa that if you have one, you can't get a different one unless there's a complete breakdown and even then, you're on a waiting list for quite some time. This is why we needed the psychologist, someone who she can talk to.
Yup, at least a 3-month waiting list here.
Well, yesterday went badly...
My wife now refuses to go to therapy. She says she just can't handle it right now.
We had a minor blow-up the other night but I think it's been patched over a bit. So now, we're back to square one.
Mentally and emotionally exhausting... But I have to be there for her through this all, no matter if I agree with her reasoning or not. It's her decision to make.
My wife now refuses to go to therapy. She says she just can't handle it right now.
We had a minor blow-up the other night but I think it's been patched over a bit. So now, we're back to square one.
Mentally and emotionally exhausting... But I have to be there for her through this all, no matter if I agree with her reasoning or not. It's her decision to make.
I'm so sorry. 
I commend you for sticking with her and believing in her. You seem to be one of the few that took their vows to heart ("In sickness and in health.").
I totally understand when people finally give up, and I guess there comes a point in some people's lives that they need to for their own sanity, but you are an honorable person. Thank you.
I commend you for sticking with her and believing in her. You seem to be one of the few that took their vows to heart ("In sickness and in health.").
I totally understand when people finally give up, and I guess there comes a point in some people's lives that they need to for their own sanity, but you are an honorable person. Thank you.
Well. After four months off work, three months of counselling, three types of medication, and the fantastic positive feedback I get here. I am feeling a lot better about things. Not a hundred percent, but I can see now that actually, I’m an ok guy, and I’m good at what I do, I can be the person I want to be, live the life I want to live.
A
Amaris
Guest
I believe it is absolutely true that our physical health is linked to our mental health. How long can a locomotive function if there is no engineer to stoke the fire and keep it on the right track?
That is good to hear.
One of my chemical imbalances seems to have been taken care of, but now I need to find a way to reel myself in. I've always been a bit too excitable. x1000 now.
Just trying to figure out ways not to annoy people.
I guess I need to redouble my efforts to find a good therapist.
Just trying to figure out ways not to annoy people.
I guess I need to redouble my efforts to find a good therapist.
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