Mental Wellness Support Group

[Sibyl]

It creeps up on you, gradually, and suddenly. One day, you’re living your life, getting on with it, facing the challenges with confidence and relish, and then, you notice that you’re tired, your hair is grey, and the thought of another supportive email fills you with dread. You want to tell them how it is, but you can’t, you might make it worse somehow, and besides, if only you’d given it 300% instead of a mere 110, and taken it on the chin a few more times, none of this would have happened. Just take your tablets, bury that chin deep in your chest and go back there with your tail between your legs, and apologise for all the trouble you’ve caused. Piece of shit.

Heartfelt *understood* here. I totally sympathize.

 

[PhantomFan1]

Hello everyone,

First time poster, long time Lurker.

I've been following this thread for a while, as it's interesting to see how you all handle the challenges you face.

While I haven't been dealing with anything myself until just recently (stupid depression), my wife has been dealing with bipolar disorder for quite some time.

She has generally been stable until recently. She's now been diagnosed as also having dissociative disorder due to probable childhood trauma.

This has been very difficult to deal with and has put a huge strain on our marriage. She's suddenly isn't herself anymore.

I pray that no one here goes through this with yourselves or loved ones.

Anyways, I wished to say thank you for your (indirect) support through relating your own struggles and advice on coping

 

[Sibyl]

I'm kind of on your wife's side of this equation in my own marriage (well, now long over) and I do totally sympathize with you. Dealing with someone with strong depression, bipolar, or dissociative disorders can be extremely frustrating. I hope she's able to find the help she needs and if possible, I hope you two are able to attend sessions together (either some of hers, though she will need time alone with her therapist, as well, or in marriage counseling sessions together).

It is possible to bounce back, and I hope you two do, but it takes time and a lot of work and patience. It's up to you whether or not you have that patience.

I hate to bring this up, but as the person on the other end with this experience, if you find that you do not have the patience or that you really do find that all the work and effort is not worth the payoff, do you both a favor and don't string her along. It only ends up hurting both of you all the more.

(I am not a therapist in any manner, so please take what I say with a bucket of salt and make your own decisions)

 

[PhantomFan1]

I'm kind of on your wife's side of this equation in my own marriage (well, now long over) and I do totally sympathize with you. Dealing with someone with strong depression, bipolar, or dissociative disorders can be extremely frustrating. I hope she's able to find the help she needs and if possible, I hope you two are able to attend sessions together (either some of hers, though she will need time alone with her therapist, as well, or in marriage counseling sessions together).

It is possible to bounce back, and I hope you two do, but it takes time and a lot of work and patience. It's up to you whether or not you have that patience.

I hate to bring this up, but as the person on the other end with this experience, if you find that you do not have the patience or that you really do find that all the work and effort is not worth the payoff, do you both a favor and don't string her along. It only ends up hurting both of you all the more.

(I am not a therapist in any manner, so please take what I say with a bucket of salt and make your own decisions)

Thanks for the kind words!

I really appreciate them.

I'm in this for the long haul with my wife, and I've made that known to her.

It'll be difficult, but I hope with my support and help from her psych, we can get back what has been misplaced (not lost).

I have thought about the attending sessions and I do tell her I'm open to. Right now it's too early in the process for her to have me there yet. Someday

 

[RunningValkyrie]

I’m feeling the effects of the second stage symptoms of my fatigue syndrome. I need to find a way to get more rest or I’ll eventually burn out again when I get to stage 4.

 

[PhantomFan1]

I’m feeling the effects of the second stage symptoms of my fatigue syndrome. I need to find a way to get more rest or I’ll eventually burn out again when I get to stage 4.

Yikes!

Definitely get as much rest as is possible, as burn out is an awful thing to endure. I burned out late last year, was forced off work for a few weeks (I took the minimum amount of time because I'm an idiot) and completely lost a lot of joy I was getting from anything.

It also led directly into the issues that I face now with my wife, as she started dissociating around that time due to the stresses I was facing and the worry of what would happen to her if I became seriously ill or died (She's on disability and unable to live on her own). I wish I had done more back before I burned out to avoid it, and all of this could have possibly been avoided.

It's hard to find that fine balance of getting essentials done and resting, but please work hard to do so. It's worth the effort to get as much rest as possible.

 

[Butters]

I’m currently off work with stress. I’ve had a break down of trust with my line manager. I’m not sleeping properly, my appetite is all over the place, I can’t focus, my blood pressure is up, my dosage of beta blockers has been doubled. I’m a long way from being ready to return to work, if I ever do. And yet, my employer is insisting that a meeting with my tormentor would be beneficial. I feel sick just lingering on the subject long enough to write this but I need to see it written so that I can process it all.

I’m ill because I was bullied, and now I’m being bullied to return. The immense workload and pressure that awaits me when I do go back doesn’t even factor at this point. I need time and space to recover, and I’m not being allowed that.

 

[rhubarbodendron]

Butters, it's indubitably very difficult to do but I think it might really be a good idea if you'd explain to your employer what you just explained to us. He can't look into your soul and therefore needs you to explain so that he understands. As long as he can't understand, he'll keep raising the pressure.
And if he understands, perhaps you could be moved to a different line with a different line manager when you return? (In that case, I'd recommend you meet the new manager over a pint and explain the problem to him in a relaxed atmosphere and on neutral ground. That'd secure you a good position for your re-start.)

PhantomFan, welcome to the board It's always great when a lurker chooses to de-lurk.
That situation between you and your wife looks to me like a classical negative feedback loop. I think it might be a good idea if you had the same therapist or if your respective therapists would meet and devise a common strategy. Or, ideally, you might make a therapy together, as a couple. There are strategies to counter the negative feedback in a relationship and to go into a positive one, I've read, but being single my knowledge about that particular aspect of life is of a rather theoretical nature.

Scribble, great news about you being on 4 wheels again! =) How's your mom holding up in the chemo? My aunt and mom both had chemos and they agreed that ginger in any form is an excellent remedy against the sickness caused by the drugs. My personal favourite is chocolate-coated candied ginger while my auntie loved ginger cookies and my mom prefers ginger tea. But really every preparation of that root will help.
Btw, it's also a reliable remedy against PMS and travel sickness. I use it for the latter purpose.

 

[Sibyl]

Thank you.

My mom just had her first chemo yesterday. I picked her up form the hospital and she insisted that I could drive straight to my house and she could drive home. I pushed several times to make sure she wasn't just being "strong" (she doesn't like to be perceived as weak even in her weakest moments) and she kept pushing back.

She did make it home, but I really wish she'd have allowed me to drive her there and for my housemate to have picked me up from my mom's house.

As for my recent mental health, I've been making a concerted effort to be more positive. My mom said she noticed, which felt good. Oh, I still have my moments, but I'm trying my damnedest not to let them affect the rest of my day.

 

[Butters]

trying to stay positive is important I think. I learned that smiling and feeling happy is a two thing, and smiling when sad can make you feel happier.

 

[Sibyl]

trying to stay positive is important I think. I learned that smiling and feeling happy is a two thing, and smiling when sad can make you feel happier.

"Fake it until you make it" sort of thing.

 

[Butters]

"Fake it until you make it" sort of thing.

Sort of.

 

[PhantomFan1]

Butters, it's indubitably very difficult to do but I think it might really be a good idea if you'd explain to your employer what you just explained to us. He can't look into your soul and therefore needs you to explain so that he understands. As long as he can't understand, he'll keep raising the pressure.
And if he understands, perhaps you could be moved to a different line with a different line manager when you return? (In that case, I'd recommend you meet the new manager over a pint and explain the problem to him in a relaxed atmosphere and on neutral ground. That'd secure you a good position for your re-start.)

PhantomFan, welcome to the board It's always great when a lurker chooses to de-lurk.
That situation between you and your wife looks to me like a classical negative feedback loop. I think it might be a good idea if you had the same therapist or if your respective therapists would meet and devise a common strategy. Or, ideally, you might make a therapy together, as a couple. There are strategies to counter the negative feedback in a relationship and to go into a positive one, I've read, but being single my knowledge about that particular aspect of life is of a rather theoretical nature.

Scribble, great news about you being on 4 wheels again! =) How's your mom holding up in the chemo? My aunt and mom both had chemos and they agreed that ginger in any form is an excellent remedy against the sickness caused by the drugs. My personal favourite is chocolate-coated candied ginger while my auntie loved ginger cookies and my mom prefers ginger tea. But really every preparation of that root will help.
Btw, it's also a reliable remedy against PMS and travel sickness. I use it for the latter purpose.

Thank you for the welcome and the advice.

Right now we are pursuing therapy separately (she's trying to protect me from her mind, right now. It's misguided but I understand what she's doing). She's seeing a psychologist and has had one session so far (she said it was very intensive) and came out from it a little bit more get normal self. She wants help, as she is really hating how she feels right now.

I'm getting counseling to stabilize my emotions and deal with my self-doubt/confidence issues. Certainly I do need to be in a better place personally to help her.

 

[rhubarbodendron]

but the both of you have realized that something needs to be done and you have taken the first step. That takes lots of courage and strength and is imho rather a cause to be proud of yourselves.

 

[PhantomFan1]

but the both of you have realized that something needs to be done and you have taken the first step. That takes lots of courage and strength and is imho rather a cause to be proud of yourselves.

Thank you again for the kind words. It really is amazing what kind of impact a simple statement can have on ones outlook.

I am immensely proud of my wife for the strength she has shown throughout this whole process so far. She has not hidden behind the illness as an excuse to do things she normally wouldn't and has sought help from me and professionals. I was talking to a good friend who has dealt with many people with mental issues before and he said that many of them just shut down and didn't want help, preferring to stay in their own little world. He was actually shocked that my wife was actively seeking help (he thought that when I called she was basically done with dealing with things and had withdrawn).

Mental health issues are hell on the sufferers, but they also put a huge strain on the personal relationships. I never know what's truly going through my wife's head unless she starts talking about things. I have to proceed with kid gloves too, as derealization/depersonalization (the stage of dissociative disorder she's suffering from right now) is such an easy thing to intensify if she starts feeling pressured.

There are many steps to take until we get back to where we really want to be, but I know that we can make it there again. Support for her, a dealing with my own personal issues and a bit of relationship rebuilding (has to be done very slowly, again, to ensure that she doesn't feel pressured and start withdrawing again) are my priorities right now.

I feel so much like the first picture of Barclay in this thread. Every day I wake up to face those demons down.

 

[PhantomFan1]

Sorry for the double post, but I can't seem to edit at the moment (think I'm still too new).

I forgot to mention that even little moments of intimacy are completely gone out the window right now. Something as simple as holding hands, a hug, a kiss on the forehead are all too overwhelming for her right now.

This is the toll that dissociative disorder can take on a couple (we have been insanely close for 6 1/2 years, doing everything together and never having reservations about displays of affections). It can absolutely destroy a relationship and the qualities that will make things easier are Patience and Understanding/Empathy.

If you know anybody in this kind of situation, please exercise extreme patience and understanding with them. They're not themselves and will often act in ways that are contrary to how you know them. Being a stabilizing factor can make things easier for them and perhaps inspire them to seek the help they may need. Don't give up on somebody suffering from this disorder, it may just push them further down the rabbit hole.

 

[Doom Shepherd]

There's a Dangerous, Common Form of Depression People Don't Talk About Enough: "Smiling Depression."

This sounds like me. Except I don’t so much “feel low” in between my brief bursts of “up” as I “feel [static]” (That is the best way I can describe it. It’s not up, it’s not down, it’s just nothing, but not quite nothing, either. So hard to describe.)
I cope by being a collector. Books, comics, Star Trek stuff, and so on. Every pickup or delivery is a little endorphin burst. But I have to be very careful to declutter frequently or I could easily slip into hoarding.

I’ve always had it. My parents noted early on that my reactions were “muted” to things ranging from death to Disney world trips were basically the same. Like, “Oh, ok. That’s a thing that is happening now.”
Other coping strategy: small goals. The things I collect, I pick out months in advance. I know I can’t decide to die while waiting for something I want. Bigger goals, too. I need to see Star Wars IX. I need to see humans get boots on Mars. I wanna be there when we get the first image of an Earthlike world. And so forth.

 

[rhubarbodendron]

that smiling depression sounds a lot like the famous British stiff upper lip or the Japanese custom to always smile because it's considered bad manners to display (negative) feelings. I was raised with pretty similar ideals.
I was pretty shocked to learn today that a very friendly colleague who has been on sick leave for weeks apparently has that very problem. I've had (smiling) depressions myself, 4 years ago, and yet I didn't realize that she was depressive . I noticed that she seemed always in a hurry and spent much time at our satellite offices, but I thought she was just very busy. I do hope she gets well soon!

Phantom, thanks for explaining! This sounds eerily familiar. I wonder whether my sis has it. The prob is that she cathegorically refuses to talk about her problems and withdraws from everyone. Some days she even freaks out if someone just looks at her. You and your wife seem to be a big step ahead of her. Those 6 1/2 years of closeness are a solid basis on which you can build now. I wish I had a partner that supportive!

 

[PhantomFan1]

that smiling depression sounds a lot like the famous British stiff upper lip or the Japanese custom to always smile because it's considered bad manners to display (negative) feelings. I was raised with pretty similar ideals.
I was pretty shocked to learn today that a very friendly colleague who has been on sick leave for weeks apparently has that very problem. I've had (smiling) depressions myself, 4 years ago, and yet I didn't realize that she was depressive . I noticed that she seemed always in a hurry and spent much time at our satellite offices, but I thought she was just very busy. I do hope she gets well soon!

Phantom, thanks for explaining! This sounds eerily familiar. I wonder whether my sis has it. The prob is that she cathegorically refuses to talk about her problems and withdraws from everyone. Some days she even freaks out if someone just looks at her. You and your wife seem to be a big step ahead of her. Those 6 1/2 years of closeness are a solid basis on which you can build now. I wish I had a partner that supportive!

Rhubarb, if your sister is suffering from this, please try to be supportive as best you can. So many people just throw up their hands and give up. This can cause permanent and irreparable damage, as people who are dissociative take this as a complete rejection of them personally.

It's difficult in a huge way, but support can be just what they need to seek help. Also, it can mean being patient and supportive for years before any kind of progress is made.

I hope your sister did seek help and can overcome whatever she is suffering from.

 

[Amaris]

There's a Dangerous, Common Form of Depression People Don't Talk About Enough: "Smiling Depression."

This sounds like me. Except I don’t so much “feel low” in between my brief bursts of “up” as I “feel [static]” (That is the best way I can describe it. It’s not up, it’s not down, it’s just nothing, but not quite nothing, either. So hard to describe.)
I cope by being a collector. Books, comics, Star Trek stuff, and so on. Every pickup or delivery is a little endorphin burst. But I have to be very careful to declutter frequently or I could easily slip into hoarding.

I’ve always had it. My parents noted early on that my reactions were “muted” to things ranging from death to Disney world trips were basically the same. Like, “Oh, ok. That’s a thing that is happening now.”
Other coping strategy: small goals. The things I collect, I pick out months in advance. I know I can’t decide to die while waiting for something I want. Bigger goals, too. I need to see Star Wars IX. I need to see humans get boots on Mars. I wanna be there when we get the first image of an Earthlike world. And so forth.

This. I can laugh with you, joke, poke, play naughty, and be just as silly as anything, and you'd never know what kind of suicidal thoughts are just pouring into my psyche at any given moment. Keeping my head above water often becomes an exercise in distraction.