Long distance relationships...

[erastus25]

So, I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years today because she's moving away to a city and the long distance thing just didn't seem like a good idea, to me. I still love her deeply and am saddened by this, but hope that the fact we're leaving on good, albeit sad, terms means that we can stay friends.

Here's the question: Any of you guys every been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do? Long distance, break up, something else? Did you change your mind or stick with the original decision? Any regrets? If you chose to end the relationship, are you still friends with the ex?

Basically, I'm just looking for some relationship talk, hoping that it helps the healing process.

 

[barnaclelapse]

I've been in a few long distance relationships, and I'm sort of in one now.

I don't think they're impossible. My mother and stepfather met over the internet when she was living in Canada and he was in Virginia, and they've been married for over a decade now. I've heard a few other similar stories, so I don't think it's impossible. It does, however, require even more trust and patience than a relationship with someone you see every day, every other day or whatever. That does seem to present a problem for some people.

 

[MNM]

So, I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years today because she's moving away to a city and the long distance thing just didn't seem like a good idea, to me. I still love her deeply and am saddened by this, but hope that the fact we're leaving on good, albeit sad, terms means that we can stay friends.

Here's the question: Any of you guys every been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do? Long distance, break up, something else? Did you change your mind or stick with the original decision? Any regrets? If you chose to end the relationship, are you still friends with the ex?

Basically, I'm just looking for some relationship talk, hoping that it helps the healing process.

I'll be honest. If you really loved her, you wouldnt have broken up with her just because she has moved to another city.

So long as you actually do see each other as often as possible, "long distance" relationships have as much chance as working as ones that are close.

 

[JimCasy]

I'll be honest. If you really loved her, you wouldnt have broken up with her just because she has moved to another city.

I don't agree with this.

I was in a long-distance relationship for like six months once, and I'm kind of in one now...and yeah, it's hard (especially if you're a fan of sex). Luckily I know that mid-July will end the long-distance-ness of the relationship I'm in now (he went to Germany for a semester of school), so I know I have that to look forward to, but the only contact we have now is email and talking over Facebook. I'm really, really looking forward to picking him up at the airport. I'm just hoping I won't cry.

So just out of curiosity, is there no way you'll be living near each other in the future? I mean, if it'll just be a few months til you could move there or whatever...but I don't know your employment/school situation, so I have no clue about this.

Sorry about this though, man. It sucks. I've never dated anyone that long, so I can't imagine what breaking up would be like at that point.

 

[Saturn0660]

So, I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years today because she's moving away to a city and the long distance thing just didn't seem like a good idea, to me. I still love her deeply and am saddened by this, but hope that the fact we're leaving on good, albeit sad, terms means that we can stay friends.

Here's the question: Any of you guys every been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do? Long distance, break up, something else? Did you change your mind or stick with the original decision? Any regrets? If you chose to end the relationship, are you still friends with the ex?

Basically, I'm just looking for some relationship talk, hoping that it helps the healing process.

Damn dude, how "far" is long distance? My wife and i were about 100 miles away before we got a place together

 

[Lookingglassman]

Dont do it. I really fell for a girl and we dated in college. She moved back home to North Carolina and ended up going out with her old boyfriend. Distance sure didnt make the heart grow fonder in our case.

 

[Major Chord]

I managed to fall in love with a German exchange student...she leaves in 2 months.

We're not technically "going out", but it's pretty well known that we're a couple. The main reason that we didn't enter into a full time relationship is because she's only here for a year. That doesn't make the tought of her leaving any less hard to stomach though. Chances are I'll never see her again...or at least not for a few years. I hope to be able to continue our relationship, even if it's only through emails, Facebook chats, and maybe through a webcam. My theory is, that if your feelings for one another are strong enough, then it was meant to be, and you'll fine a way to make it work. That's what I'm hoping for in my case. If we manage to stay as close as we are now, well, great. But, if not, and all we can manage is an occasional conversation, that's great too. She's such a wonderful person, that I'd rather occasional contact than none at all. I don't really have any regrets...I mean, sure, it would have been wonderful to have a full blown romantic relationship (well, as "full blown" as a sensible high school relatiuonship can go...nothing sexual) with her, but...I'm honestly thankful for what we have now, and all the time I've been able to spend with her.

Thing is, I kinda set myself up for any impending sorrow, because I knew that she'd eventually be going home. I knew it from the start. I'd imagine that I'm a lot more prepared than you were erastus. My advice, try to stay in contact...and hope things work out. If you've been together for so long, then there is obviously something right between you two, something that isn't worth losing. Even if you can't maintain a relationship form that distance, hopefully you can still stay friendly.

 

[The Grim Ghost]

I think you did the right thing TC. In my experience trying to manage a long distance relationship just doesn't work. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, only you know if it is worth the trouble to find out if you are one of those exceptions.

Either way it isn't going to be easy.

 

[TorontoTrekker]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... download Skype and get a webcam. My boyfriend is 1000 miles away (I'm in Toronto, and he's in Atlanta), and we chat several times each week. Sometimes we even eat dinner together - we decide what we're going to have, then we each cook the same thing and eat at the computer while we talk. Sure, it's not as satisfying to have to settle for cybersex, but there's more to a relationship than that.

(He arrives next Wednesday for a nine-day visit... I'm really excited about it. Can you tell? )

 

[DaveyNY]

My GF and I had been together for a little over two years, when she acquired a really great State Job that required her to move from the NY Capital District to Long Island...

Even though she's about 4.5 hours away now our relationship is still going strong sixteen months later...

My job requires that I work every-other-weekend, so we take turns commuting for love...
One weekend I go there, one she cums here...

We talk to each other on the phone (I got her a new cell phone and added her to my Sprint account so we talk unlimited free) At Least three times a day...
(We also split the phone bill 50/50)

We use the Internet to IM and web-cam when one of us can't travel on the weekend for whatever reasons...

I've been talking about/suggesting that I moving down there, but she doesn't really want to stay there permanently as her family is up here and it's just way to expensive on Long Island.

She told me the other day that there's a possibility that an opening may become available in her agency back up here, come mid-august... (due to retirements)

We're crossing our fingers and hoping for the best, but what ever happens, We will still make it work because We Love Each Other and are both willing to do what ever it takes !!

(plus she's got great tits and a lovely ass...

... though I'm ugly-as-sin & don't really understand what she sees in me...)

 

[the 4th hanson bro]

So, I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years today because she's moving away to a city and the long distance thing just didn't seem like a good idea, to me.

If that's the only reason you ended it with her, it's a pretty crappy reason and seems like the easy way out. "You're moving away, it'll take more work to keep our relationship going, so I'll just end it."

Here's the question: Any of you guys every been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do? Long distance, break up, something else? Did you change your mind or stick with the original decision? Any regrets? If you chose to end the relationship, are you still friends with the ex?

I had been dating a girl for 18 months or so when I had a work related move of about 400 miles or so. We wrote letters, spent a lot on long distance and spent the weekend together at least every month. We were apart for about 18 months.

We'll be celebrating our 15th anniversary in exactly two weeks.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... download Skype and get a webcam. My boyfriend is 1000 miles away (I'm in Toronto, and he's in Atlanta), and we chat several times each week. Sometimes we even eat dinner together - we decide what we're going to have, then we each cook the same thing and eat at the computer while we talk.

Takes a little effort and energy but important things get done, right? It's not the same as sitting across the table from one another but it's still time together.

If anything, technology has made it easier to stay connected over a long distance - webcam, VOIP, IM, and the like.

Sure, it's not as satisfying to have to settle for cybersex, but there's more to a relationship than that.

QFT

(He arrives next Wednesday for a nine-day visit... I'm really excited about it. Can you tell? )

No, really?

Enjoy the visit.

 

[erastus25]

So just out of curiosity, is there no way you'll be living near each other in the future? I mean, if it'll just be a few months til you could move there or whatever...but I don't know your employment/school situation, so I have no clue about this.

Yeah, that's one of the problems, we won't be living in the same city for 5-6 years at the absolute earliest. She's entered into a graduate school program that will take 3 years, and from there, without getting into too much detail, she has a contract with the govt. to go wherever they send her (in exchange they're paying for her graduate degree) for 3 years. I will be pursuing a PhD. next fall which will take 5-6 years and none of the programs I'm interested in are anywhere near her. Bottom line is that, to me, a long distance thing wouldn't work without a foreseeable "move close/back together" date. So, ultimately, it boiled down to neither of us being willing to sacrifice our education to be together. I guess by the standard of some that means we weren't "in love", but I think we were, so it still hurts. To each his own.

We're also far enough apart that we can't see each other on an even semi-regular basis as all. If we could do the once every other weekend, or something like that, then I woudl totally go for it. Sadly, that's not the case. Ultimately, the physical/face to face aspects of a relationship are important enough to me that I couldn't live without them that amount of time. I can't imagine a romantic relationship between her and I that doesn't involve daily face to face contact, for a number of reasons. By ending the romantic part of it, we can still keep a very strong friendship and ultimately the door is open for a future relationship if it turns out we can't live without each other. I guess that's the "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be" line of thinking.

 

[erastus25]

I'll be honest. If you really loved her, you wouldnt have broken up with her just because she has moved to another city.

I'm going to respectfully disagree and argue that's not the case. I think that we are/were in love, but not to the point that one of us is willing to sacrifice our education/professional future for each other. As I explained above, that's what it would have taken for us to stay together. I honestly believe that you can be "in love" with someone and not make them your absolute top priority in life, especially at a relatively young age. Sadly, we had to make such a choice.

I also think the_andorian is also right in saying that there's clearly something right between and we shouldn't throw that away entirely. Although we chose to end the romantic aspect of the relationship there's no reason we can't stay friends and continue to learn and help each other in life. I'm a firm believer that one can never have too many good friends.

daveyNY, I really liked your story. I hope everything keeps working out for you.

Sorry for the double post.

 

[trekkiebaggio]

I'm in a very similiar situation, although we weren't together for as long as you guys. I was over in America for 7 months and we got very close. MY student visa ended and I had to come home. She's still got two more years of school to finish and I haven't got a job to go over there so with no definite time we can see each other the sensible thing to do was to end it really.

We still care a lot about each other and it's only been just over 2 weeks since I left the state so we're still holding on a bit. It's tough, hopefully she'll be able to make it over this year but we'll see. Plus we haven't really been together, so even if we did hold on we don't know how we'd be in normal circumstances.

So very much like you we're seeing what happens, hopefully our paths will cross again but we're staying in touch and keep in contact. I really hope I see her again.

 

[erastus25]

I'm in a very similiar situation, although we weren't together for as long as you guys. I was over in America for 7 months and we got very close. MY student visa ended and I had to come home. She's still got two more years of school to finish and I haven't got a job to go over there so with no definite time we can see each other the sensible thing to do was to end it really.

We still care a lot about each other and it's only been just over 2 weeks since I left the state so we're still holding on a bit. It's tough, hopefully she'll be able to make it over this year but we'll see. Plus we haven't really been together, so even if we did hold on we don't know how we'd be in normal circumstances.

So very much like you we're seeing what happens, hopefully our paths will cross again but we're staying in touch and keep in contact. I really hope I see her again.

Sometimes that's really the best way to do things. Of course, there's always the danger that over time you'll exaggerate her good qualities and down play her negatives until she becomes "the one who got away." Really, there are no good solutions in situations like this. Only "least bad" solutions, if that makes sense.

 

[NJOberheim]

I think it all depends on your priorities. For some people career is number 1 so they arrange the rest of their life around that. Others, like myself, priortize family/relationships. You and her seem to be more career oriented people.

That being said, I don't know if you believe in soul mates and such but if you guys were destined to be together do you think things would have ended so cut and dry?

 

[erastus25]

I think it all depends on your priorities. For some people career is number 1 so they arrange the rest of their life around that. Others, like myself, priortize family/relationships. You and her seem to be more career oriented people.

That being said, I don't know if you believe in soul mates and such but if you guys were destined to be together do you think things would have ended so cut and dry?

I don't believe that there is any one person out there specifically for me. My perspective is that a relationship is all about creating a unity with another person, based on compromise, understanding, trust, love, common interest, etc. Since the two people are creating that new unity, unique to their relationship, it can take many forms. Thus, I believe/hope that there are multiple people out there that I can do that with.

I'm also open to the possibility that I'm only partially right, and that although I'll fall in love with other women in the future, none of them will be important to me as this one. In that case, I'll have to admit I was wrong about soul mates. Either way, I acknowledge that I'm taking that risk, and I'm confident with it, but hopefully I don't look back and regret it someday.

 

[NJOberheim]

I don't believe that there is any one person out there specifically for me. My perspective is that a relationship is all about creating a unity with another person, based on compromise, understanding, trust, love, common interest, etc. Since the two people are creating that new unity, unique to their relationship, it can take many forms. Thus, I believe/hope that there are multiple people out there that I can do that with.

I'm also open to the possibility that I'm only partially right, and that although I'll fall in love with other women in the future, none of them will be important to me as this one. In that case, I'll have to admit I was wrong about soul mates. Either way, I acknowledge that I'm taking that risk, and I'm confident with it, but hopefully I don't look back and regret it someday.

I totally understand what you're saying. I used to be more of a dreamer when i was younger. I truly did believe there was one person out there that was meant for me. Now, Im not so sure anymore. I tend to think as you stated, that a unity can be formulated with just about anyone that has similiar values, interests and plans for the future. You'll never find the perfect person so the key is to find the one that comes the closest.

Without getting into too much detail, Im in a 11 year relationship. There is a MAJOR factor missing from our relationship. Most people would have probably walked away from it. However, the reason I don't is because everything else about it is near perfect. Am I willing to throw what I do have away and gamble on finding someone that more than likely will not come close to what i have? At this point Im not.

Not sure if any of this helps. Im rambling now. Best of luck to you with this.

 

[SicOne]

So, I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years today because she's moving away to a city and the long distance thing just didn't seem like a good idea, to me.

If that's the only reason you ended it with her, it's a pretty crappy reason and seems like the easy way out. "You're moving away, it'll take more work to keep our relationship going, so I'll just end it."

Here's the question: Any of you guys every been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do? Long distance, break up, something else? Did you change your mind or stick with the original decision? Any regrets? If you chose to end the relationship, are you still friends with the ex?

I had been dating a girl for 18 months or so when I had a work related move of about 400 miles or so. We wrote letters, spent a lot on long distance and spent the weekend together at least every month. We were apart for about 18 months.

We'll be celebrating our 15th anniversary in exactly two weeks.



Takes a little effort and energy but important things get done, right? It's not the same as sitting across the table from one another but it's still time together.

If anything, technology has made it easier to stay connected over a long distance - webcam, VOIP, IM, and the like.

What he said.

You can pull it off. People in the military do it all the time. Granted, the divorce rate is still pretty high, but you can pull it off. Trust does become a major issue, because you have to trust that person's not going to screw around on you; when you're with them nearly 24/7 in person, you get that sense of security but your mind can feed on itself with paranoia and worry when you're not physically with them.

Give it a try. Attempt to renew the relationship. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and even if you lose, you then know it was not to be. The only thing you're going to gain by ending it all is wondering what might have been, had you stuck it out and given it your best shot.

 

[Tim]

She's entered into a graduate school program that will take 3 years, and from there, without getting into too much detail, she has a contract with the govt. to go wherever they send her (in exchange they're paying for her graduate degree) for 3 years.

Med student?