Long distance relationships, can they work?

[HighteeHeller]

So i have a question for all you smart, relationship savvy people.
Can a long distance relationship be sustained for any length of time?

If moving isn't an option in the near or distant future is it even worth it to try? Is there a distance that is just too far to make it just not worth the effort, time and money?
Really, is love enough?

 

[Haytil]

Yes, they can work. However, a few things must be said to qualify this statement:

A) Long-distance relationships will encounter problems unique to their existence, on top of the difficulties that are generated in normal, close-proximity relationships. They aren't insurmountable, but they do make things more difficult.

B) They cannot be mantained for simply ANY length of time, and it's not worth trying if you aren't going to end up closer even in the DISTANT future. If you have no plans to be together in the long-term later on, or are not in a position where that will ever be a feasible option (assuming you both reach a point emotionally where you both desire it), then what's the point?

I believe two people who care for each other very much can spend a lot of time apart, even long durations - for instance, going to colleges in different parts of the country for four years - but only with the understanding that their long-distance, no matter how long-term, is temporary and limited (i.e., four years in this example).

That being said, if you know you're never going to be able to be with the person after your time apart, then why bother? Would you really enjoy that?

C) I think visiting and seeing each other is also important, even if it's only once every month or so.

D) Communication becomes much more important.

E) It's far likelier to work if the relationship doesn't START as long distance. You need at least a few months to grow closer.

 

[Chess Piece Face]

It can work for a period of time if 2 things are true:

1 It did not start as a long distance relationship. If it did, even if you feel like this person knows all about you from chatting for hours a day - they don't. It's not real. It's not the same as living with someone.

2 You will be together at some point in the future.

If those 2 things are true, then it can be sustained for a time - even then there is no guarantee it will work.

Speaking as someone who has been in one of these, let me just say this - it's not real. It just isn't. A long distance relationship is like a relationship the way that solo masturbation for years is to sex with a loving partner. It's like that. It's still something, but it's just not a full relationship. It's a something, but it's just not 100% what it could be.

 

[blablover5]

I sure hope so, my husband and I did the long distance thing for two years. We kept ourselves sane with scheduled times to get together, scheduled times to talk and eventually getting a set plan on when we could move back to the same town and eventually in together.

It sucks and I see no real redeeming qualities in doing the long distance thing aside from stressing yourself the hell out, but if you think the person is worth it all then it's very doable.

 

[trekkerguy]

I was involved in one for about a year that worked out fairly well.

Just like any couple that dates though there is the possibility of
the parties involved finding reason they no longer want to date.

And that's what happened. I have no doubt things would have
turned out the same if we lived a block away.

Distance really doesn't matter, compatibility and desire do.

 

[FalTorPan]

LTRs can work, but I wouldn't consciously choose to become involved in one.

 

[Mr. B]

It can work for a period of time if 2 things are true:

1 It did not start as a long distance relationship. If it did, even if you feel like this person knows all about you from chatting for hours a day - they don't. It's not real. It's not the same as living with someone.

2 You will be together at some point in the future.

I would agree with this. I'm sort of in a long distance relationship without either of these things and it's not really working.

 

[SeerSGB]

It can work for a period of time if 2 things are true:

1 It did not start as a long distance relationship. If it did, even if you feel like this person knows all about you from chatting for hours a day - they don't. It's not real. It's not the same as living with someone.

2 You will be together at some point in the future.

If those 2 things are true, then it can be sustained for a time - even then there is no guarantee it will work.

Speaking as someone who has been in one of these, let me just say this - it's not real. It just isn't. A long distance relationship is like a relationship the way that solo masturbation for years is to sex with a loving partner. It's like that. It's still something, but it's just not a full relationship. It's a something, but it's just not 100% what it could be.

Well me and my wife didn't meet face-to-face for the first time till about 4 days before we ran out and eloped. It started online, we knew each about 5 or so before we started a relationship. When she came for her first visit, everything clicked perfectly, we eloped, and he we are 6 years later happy, with a wonderful son, and no regrets.

 

[Marc]

Yes they can work and sometimes without any major difficulties other than the distance factor.

Met my wife online in 2001, we met the first in person the first time in 2003, engaged in 2007, married 2008, together Feb 27th 2009.

 

[Amaris]

It can work for a period of time if 2 things are true:

1 It did not start as a long distance relationship. If it did, even if you feel like this person knows all about you from chatting for hours a day - they don't. It's not real. It's not the same as living with someone.

2 You will be together at some point in the future.

If those 2 things are true, then it can be sustained for a time - even then there is no guarantee it will work.

Speaking as someone who has been in one of these, let me just say this - it's not real. It just isn't. A long distance relationship is like a relationship the way that solo masturbation for years is to sex with a loving partner. It's like that. It's still something, but it's just not a full relationship. It's a something, but it's just not 100% what it could be.

Well me and my wife didn't meet face-to-face for the first time till about 4 days before we ran out and eloped. It started online, we knew each about 5 or so before we started a relationship. When she came for her first visit, everything clicked perfectly, we eloped, and he we are 6 years later happy, with a wonderful son, and no regrets.

I'm actually hoping something like this works for me.

Believe me when I tell you the women who live around here aren't into the "thinking" or "nice" type of guys. I don't mean that as an insult, but most of the women I've dated usually break it off with "you're just too smart for me" or my favorite "you're a nice guy but I'm looking for something else", and I swear I never pretended to be anything other than who I am. Of course, my friends tell me that in 5 years after the same girl has been with a complete jerk of a guy, they'll come back looking for me. I don't know if that's true or not.

J.

 

[Franklin]

My wife and I knew of each other in college but for various reasons, our paths never crossed socially. When I went off to graduate school, I got a birthday card from her out of the blue. I responded, and it started up a correspondence by mail (yes, SNAIL mail, this was the mid-1980s, kids). We were 350 miles apart, and after about three months, we started to meet every other weekend or so, depending on time and money.
My phone bills ran very high during that time, too. (None of that unlimited calling plan stuff back then, either. What a primitive time!)

Anyway, we actually went on like this over a year. As the relationship progressed (and my stipend improved), we'd meet for weekends in places half-way between where we were living. When we were finally married after she graduated, she moved to where I was while I finished my degree. Coincidental to how it all started, she was not able to accompany me to my first job, so we spent the second year of our marriage in a long-distance relationship, too.

Besides love, commitment is the key. Trust is an important element, too. Both want to make it work. It makes no sense to keep the relationship going if you have a bit of stuff on the side locally.

If we could do it through letters and phone calls, I'd think it'd be a bit easier these days in the era of electronic media. Still, as I said, both have to want to very much. Relationships like these are probably best if not casual. Too much effort for casual (in my opinion).

 

[SeerSGB]

It can work for a period of time if 2 things are true:

1 It did not start as a long distance relationship. If it did, even if you feel like this person knows all about you from chatting for hours a day - they don't. It's not real. It's not the same as living with someone.

2 You will be together at some point in the future.

If those 2 things are true, then it can be sustained for a time - even then there is no guarantee it will work.

Speaking as someone who has been in one of these, let me just say this - it's not real. It just isn't. A long distance relationship is like a relationship the way that solo masturbation for years is to sex with a loving partner. It's like that. It's still something, but it's just not a full relationship. It's a something, but it's just not 100% what it could be.

Well me and my wife didn't meet face-to-face for the first time till about 4 days before we ran out and eloped. It started online, we knew each about 5 or so before we started a relationship. When she came for her first visit, everything clicked perfectly, we eloped, and he we are 6 years later happy, with a wonderful son, and no regrets.

I'm actually hoping something like this works for me.

Believe me when I tell you the women who live around here aren't into the "thinking" or "nice" type of guys. I don't mean that as an insult, but most of the women I've dated usually break it off with "you're just too smart for me" or my favorite "you're a nice guy but I'm looking for something else", and I swear I never pretended to be anything other than who I am. Of course, my friends tell me that in 5 years after the same girl has been with a complete jerk of a guy, they'll come back looking for me. I don't know if that's true or not.

J.

That's where I was: I wasn't finding any girls locally that actually liked or wanted someone that would rather spend their day at a open-mic or author reading or just involved in more intellectual pursuits. It was all higschool and UT football, hanging out down by the river drinking beers with their buddies, etc.; not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just not what I was interested in.

I'd settled into accepting either not meeting anyone-- a life of a bachelor, or not meeting anyone till I moved out of state. I joined st.com back in 96, met my wife not long after that. We had long conversations online, we clicked in every way from day, one but neither of us wanted an online relationship. We got closer than friends, but we just didn't want to make the commitment cause of distance. We lost track of each other for about a year or so when the IRC servers over there shut down-- aside from he odd e-mail and chatter reunion. Then we reconnected both us discovered that we had spent that time trying to find what we had in each other in other people and being miserable. We said "fuck it, if it works it works, but beter to try and fail than "what might of have been"" and from that point on there's been no looking back and it's been the best decision I ever made.

 

[Scout101]

It can work for a period of time if 2 things are true:

1 It did not start as a long distance relationship. If it did, even if you feel like this person knows all about you from chatting for hours a day - they don't. It's not real. It's not the same as living with someone.

2 You will be together at some point in the future.

If those 2 things are true, then it can be sustained for a time - even then there is no guarantee it will work.

Agreed. Long distance, with no expiration date or plans to get together again soon, just doesn't work. Instead of being in a relationship, it's more of a crutch to avoid real life, and you're missing out on a lot in the interim. And most of the time, one party or the other will figure this out eventually, and you won't even know about it for a while.

LDRs only seem to work, as stated above, if it STARTED as a regular relationship, and then someone has to go for a while, but there's a set time they will be gone, or plans to get together again. Internet dating with some girl in another country, with no plans to move on either side, is just costing time and money, and eventual disappointment by one or both sides...

 

[Mr Light]

My fiancee and I were in a periodic long distance relationship. We met in college but only got together the week I left. For the next year I only saw her for a week every three months, but after 1-2 years of that she moved in with me and we lived happily ever after (so far ). We've been together 5+ years now.

 

[SmoothieX]

It can work for a period of time if 2 things are true:

1 It did not start as a long distance relationship. If it did, even if you feel like this person knows all about you from chatting for hours a day - they don't. It's not real. It's not the same as living with someone.

2 You will be together at some point in the future.

If those 2 things are true, then it can be sustained for a time - even then there is no guarantee it will work.

I agree with those two statements a lot. Long distance relationships can work, that's how my wife and I dated for a while.

We met at a summer internship at a college nowhere near where either of us lived. We lived in the same dorm and eventually she just starting crashing in my room. She lived on the west coast, I was on the east coast. We were both in college living with our parents, so we had neither the opportunity or money to move closer to each other. We did this for two years and saw each other 3-4 times a year.

When it came time for her to go to grad school, she went to a school 3.5 hours from me. I finished grad school myself two years later and moved in with her. It worked out and eventually we got married a couple years later and we are still happy today. All in all we've been togeter 8 years now.

 

[Danoz]

So i have a question for all you smart, relationship savvy people.
Can a long distance relationship be sustained for any length of time?

If moving isn't an option in the near or distant future is it even worth it to try? Is there a distance that is just too far to make it just not worth the effort, time and money?
Really, is love enough?

My fiancee and I have been in a long distance relationship for over a year (not just long distance, extended isolation cut off from communication for 2-3 days at a time), so I feel uniquely qualified to answer this question. First of all:

1. I love my fiancee like crazy. We have very similar interests, we find each-other crazy attractive, we are very laid back, emotionally stable, and we love eachother's parents (and they love us).

2. We are both comfortable enough with the relationship to not feel jealousy, and we are comfortable enough in our own skin to not need constant reassurance from each other.

3. We both like our jobs, respect eachothers careers, and understand that the distance is necessary as we start our lives before we get married in August 2010 and can find a like city.

4. We write each other. Novels practically. We have hundreds of pages of detailed writing, so we are very much in touch with eachother's lives because we can express ourselves well in this medium.

5. The length of separation was never indefinite. We have been counting down since day one, and we've been able to look forward to weekend and 3-4 day long "trips" that we could look forward to. Neither one of us could have handled an "indefinite" separation. We're getting married!

Really, long distance is 100% possible, but you really need to start with the kind of foundation-- it HAS to be an equal relationship (you or your significant other cannot suffer from emotional anxiety/depression... these require attention that will crumble in long-distance). You have to be a comfortable, happy person with your own, unique hobbies.

Granted, after a year of this, it's putting strain on our souls, not the relationship. We are just very, very ready to spend time together. There is other, more general advice that I don't feel the need to repeat. Only have met online is not long distance. My fiancee and I have already practically lived together for several months-- we know our habits, our dislikes, and our behaviors up close and personal.

It's a delicate balance, but my fiancee and I are living proof that it is quite possible!

 

[SeerSGB]

One thing about LDR is that you have to be sure and trusting of your partner. You'll go crazy if every time they miss a call or take a little longer than normal to return a e-mail or appear online you start thinking they're out fooling around beyond your back.

 

[Danoz]

I sure hope so, my husband and I did the long distance thing for two years. We kept ourselves sane with scheduled times to get together, scheduled times to talk and eventually getting a set plan on when we could move back to the same town and eventually in together.

It sucks and I see no real redeeming qualities in doing the long distance thing aside from stressing yourself the hell out, but if you think the person is worth it all then it's very doable.

That's really the bottom line. The person has to be 100% worth it. If not, you'll start to feel the weight of it on you in the form of:
a. crushing/flirting outside the relationship
b. getting angry or fighting from long distance
c. being miserable

My fiancee and I are long distance, but even as much as we miss eachother, we are still happy, well adjusted people who love each other more than anything.

 

[Sky]

It can work for a period of time if 2 things are true:

1 It did not start as a long distance relationship. If it did, even if you feel like this person knows all about you from chatting for hours a day - they don't. It's not real. It's not the same as living with someone.

2 You will be together at some point in the future.

I agree with this.

I am now doing the long distance thing. My husband has lived abroad for almost a year now (because of work). We've been together for eight years, married for four. The current situation is not fun, but it works because we know each other well, keep in contact daily, and know that this is just temporary and we will be back under the same roof eventually.

But it is tough. We now see each other maybe once a month and that just is not enough. What I am afraid of is that we lose touch. When you don't share your everyday life with someone, there's the very real danger of distance building up.

 

[Lookingglassman]

I dated this chick in college and she moved back to South Carolina and we tried to make it work, but she ended up with an old boyfriend and I ended up with a broken heart. I dont date chicks who are far away, but I do know people who do. I work with a Soldier whose girlfriend lives in Kansas. He drives out top visit her all the time and seems like he really loves her. Of course she is rich (she is an engineer) so that probably has something to do with it also.