Keeping the truth from children.

[TerokNor]

I don´t think thats correct. I mean they don´t have to tell her all the details (unless she asks for them), but they could say, that he died because of an accident.
I remember that my father did not tell me the truth about a death once and when I found out the truth 10 years later I felt somewhat betrayed...sort of.
If she knows the truth she can start to heal...if she does not, she will too, but when she finds out the truth later on, she has too sort of heal again...and not only because of his death, but also because of the knowledge that she got lied too.

TerokNor

 

[Daneel]

She's twelve. I don't know her; people definitely mature at different rates. But by twelve, I think it's silly to hide the truth from her like that.

A few years ago, I could've understood where my aunt and uncle were coming from. For much of her life, she's been on the "young" side of her age. I feel she's made some significant strides toward maturity in the past couple of years, however, which is why I think she could handle this.

I feel like I'm missing something. What possible reason could there be for hiding the fact that it was an accident rather than natural causes? It's not as if it makes the loss any less sudden.

Yeah, I don't get it either; that's why the whole thing baffles me. My aunt and uncle are usually intelligent, thoughtful people, but I think they kind of dropped the ball here.

My sister couldn't figure it out either. When I told her what our aunt and uncle decided to tell our cousin, she gave me an "are you kidding me?" reaction.

 

[omgahitsbritt08]

I believe she could handle it. If not the truth might come out and the wrong time and make the situation worse.

 

[scotpens]

. . . Or they should have just told her that he got hit by a train. Lots of respectable people get hit by trains.

Or that he got eaten by a dingo. A REALLY BIG dingo.

 

[RJDiogenes]

I can see why it would be more upsetting to know that somebody died in pain and fear than peacefully in his sleep; but at twelve years old, unless the kid is particularly sensitive or unstable, she should probably know the truth.

 

[cultcross]

There's a simple rule here: If they're old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to get an answer.

Now you can be tactful and/or careful about that answer, but generally speaking we tell our kids the truth.

Trusting us when we tell them something is very important to us. We don't want them to have the experience of discovering we lied to them, and wondering what else was a lie.

I'd tend to lean this way as well. When I have kids, I want them to grow up trusting me if I tell them something important. And trust on the big things comes from an everyday trust built up before that time. If you spend their formative years lying to them, they're going to be less likely to listen when you tell them things that really matter later on.
Having said that, there is a difference I feel between lying on matters like this and allowing them to have a childhood that has a bit of magic and make-believe without stamping on Santa Claus or fairy stories because they're not true. Kids understand the difference between fun make believe where the adults have played along, and where adults are just lying to them because they don't consider them 'ready' for the truth. I absolutely hated it when adults did the latter.

 

[wissaboo]

Dont' forget one of the parents just suddenly and tragically lost thier parent. They may not be thinking straight. While I don't understand what difference it makes how he died I recently lost one of my parents and could understand how it might make you do slightly irrational things. and if you are a parent it definitly gives you a irrational need to over protect your own children

 

[Sakrysta]

It bothers me to know that parents out there habitually lying to their children about life experiences. Of course, you consider the child's maturity and just how much detail they are able to handle. But don't LIE to them. Children need to learn how life works. If the child is too young to understand the specifics, you just simplify, but DON'T LIE. I have a friend whose father killed himself. She just told her two little girls (who were both under 7 at the time) that he had died, and didn't tell them how (he shot himself). THIS makes sense - how do you explain the why of suicide to a 5-year-old? They know, though, that there will be a time in the future to tell them the whole story.

What drives me crazy is when parents tell children their dog ran away when it actually died. As others said, kids are smarter and stronger than we give them credit for. They find ways to process things. If you lie to them now, why should they bother coming to you for answers later, when it's so much more important than the death of a pet?

As to the OP's situation, I think it's a mistake to not tell her the truth. He says she's young for her age. It's events like this that can help to mature a child like that. Sometimes an immature child ends up being sheltered and coddled, which just slows their maturity further.

 

[RandyS]

Truth is always best. If the kid does not understand exactly what's going on right now, chances are she will as she ages.

This subject has brought back irritating memories. My dad lied to me well into my thirties. Of course, he wouldn't know the truth if he fell over it.

 

[bluedana]

While I believe in telling my kids just enough to answer their questions, I don't lie to them. "Grandpa fell down the stairs; he got really hurt and died" is sufficient. I mean, is going to bed and never waking up really that much better?

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ Well, one is peaceful and quiet. The other is painful and terrifying. So, yeah, I can see why people would want to keep it a secret from young kids. I don't know if twelve is that young, though; depends on the kid.

 

[cultcross]

It's peaceful and quiet to an adult. At least from my own childhood experience, a quiet death in your sleep you could do nothing about was a lot scarier than car crashes, falls, things falling from planes. You just went to sleep and never woke up. Now that's weird.

 

[Jetfire]

When I was a kid and somebody died...they just said they died and that was that...I was never curious to the how & why.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Well, you know the old saying: "I'd rather die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather, than screaming in terror like his passengers."

 

[Miss Chicken]

It's peaceful and quiet to an adult. At least from my own childhood experience, a quiet death in your sleep you could do nothing about was a lot scarier than car crashes, falls, things falling from planes. You just went to sleep and never woke up. Now that's weird.

When a was 11 years old one of my friends, Susan (who was the same age as me) died in her sleep. She had a hole in the heart and she had had a cold but told her mother she felt better and would return to the school the next day. When she didn't join the family for breakfast her 9 year old sister was sent in to wake her but was unable to wake her. Her mother than went in and realised Susan was dead.

This was back in 1969. If she had the same problem she probably would have had surgery to fix it.

I found the fact that Susan died in her sleep far more disturbing than knowing that my grandfather died in his sleep.

The teacher explained the hole in the heart to us telling us that Susan was lucky to live as long as she did as younger children often died of the same condition much younger. He Susan had touched so many hearts with her kind and gentle ways that her short life had great meaning and that she would be remembered for a long time.

Last year, 40 years after her death, I visited Susan's grave for the first time.

 

[Orac Zen]

The parents know their kid best (well, most parents, anyway; there would be plenty of parents who know stuff-all about their kids) and presumably they have reasons for blatantly lying to their 12 year old. Most kids are much more resilient and much less stupid than they're given credit for being; obviously there are exceptions to that too but surely in the long run it's best to be honest with kids. After all, they'll more than likely find out the truth sooner or later. I know I have far greater respect for my (genuine) parent who has always been straight with me than I've ever had for the "parent" (who has never been worthy of the full meaning of that term) who hasn't.

 

[scotpens]

. . . This was back in 1969. If she had the same problem she probably would have had surgery to fix it.

Operations to repair the congenital heart defect that causes “blue baby syndrome” (if that's what this girl had) have been successfully performed on children of that age since 1954, which makes me wonder if there were medical, financial or logistical reasons why your friend couldn't have had corrective surgery.

Tetralogy of Fallot

 

[bluedana]

^^ Well, one is peaceful and quiet. The other is painful and terrifying. So, yeah, I can see why people would want to keep it a secret from young kids. I don't know if twelve is that young, though; depends on the kid.

It's painful and terrifying if you frame it that way, but it's been my experience (with 3 kids) that children just want to know the facts. Over the years I've had to explain to my son about the deaths of his sisters (he was 5); about 9/11 (he was 6), about his cousin's suicide (he was 11), and to all the kids about an unexpected serious illness of mine (they were 5, 8, and 13). No big elaborate production, no violins, just the basics of what happened. To me, lying and being found out would be worse than telling the truth at their level.

 

[Miss Chicken]

. . . This was back in 1969. If she had the same problem she probably would have had surgery to fix it.

Operations to repair the congenital heart defect that causes “blue baby syndrome” (if that's what this girl had) have been successfully performed on children of that age since 1954, which makes me wonder if there were medical, financial or logistical reasons why your friend couldn't have had corrective surgery.

Tetralogy of Fallot

I don't know why she didn't have an operation. The article does say that initially it carried a high mortality risk. Maybe her parents decided against the operation.

Or maybe she had a different sort of congenital heart defect I think it was her younger sister who told me that Susan had a 'hole in the heart' but she told me that about three years after Susan's death. At the time of her death we were told that she had a weak heart.

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ Well, one is peaceful and quiet. The other is painful and terrifying. So, yeah, I can see why people would want to keep it a secret from young kids. I don't know if twelve is that young, though; depends on the kid.

It's painful and terrifying if you frame it that way, but it's been my experience (with 3 kids) that children just want to know the facts.

If it was me, I'd want to know the facts. But it would definitely bother me a lot more knowing that somebody's last moments were painful and terrifying.