Keeping the truth from children.

[Daneel]

Last week, my uncle's father died unexpectedly; he fell down the stairs at home and broke his neck.

My aunt and uncle have decided not to tell their youngest daughter, my cousin, how he really died. They're worried that learning the truth would make her even more upset than she (understandably) already is after so suddenly losing her grandfather. So instead, they've told her that he died in his sleep.

I'm not going to go against their wishes and tell her otherwise, but personally, I think this is a mistake. She's almost 12, and and this age, I think she would be able to handle the truth, unpleasant as it may be. Also, there's a good chance she'll find out the truth one way or another later on (hell, all she'd have to do is read the obituary, which actually states he died "accidentally".) If I were in such a position, I would probably be rather hurt that my parents had kept such a thing from me.

What do the rest of you think? Are her parents justified in their decision? Should they tell her what really happened?

In a broader sense, have you seen any examples of people keeping the truth from children in some way? Have you done it yourself, and if so, why did you feel you needed to? Did anyone ever keep anything from you when you were young?

 

[RoJoHen]

I am picturing this girl 10 years from now at some family event going, "Wait, I thought Grandpa died in his sleep!"

I dunno. If she knows he died, she might as well know how. I could maybe see keeping it vague, like, "Grandpa had an accident," but blatantly lying about it seems silly.

 

[sidious618]

I could see a 5 or 6 year old being told that but at 12 I think she could handle the truth. Then again, I don't know the kid so I can't say for sure.

 

[Kelso]

(hell, all she's have to do is read the obituary, which actually states he died "accidentally".)

That's how I plan to go.

I don't think it matters what they tell the kid. They're probably being overprotective, but parents do that.

They should be thankful, I know a chick whose husband accidentally strangled himself to death while masturbating. Explaining a tumble down the stairs is nothing compared to that.

Or they should have just told her that he got hit by a train. Lots of respectable people get hit by trains.

 

[RoJoHen]

They should be thankful, I know a chick whose husband accidentally strangled himself to death while masturbating.

A fellow student from my high school died that way. I couldn't even imagine being that kids' parents when they found him.

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

One of my favorite actors died that way.

I would definitely tell the kid the truth. Then again, my upbringing is rather unique. Santa Claus didn't exist for me... ever.

But this is much less arguable than that, IMO. She's twelve. I don't know her; people definitely mature at different rates. But by twelve, I think it's silly to hide the truth from her like that.

 

[Count Zero]

I don't even understand why they're doing it. Why is dying in an accident like that more disturbing than dying at all? If it was something embarrassing or terrible I'd understand, though I think at 12 you can definetely handle the truth, but falling down the stairs? I don't get it.
She'll find out eventually because people will see nothing wrong in mentioning it. I'd definetely be angry if I found out.

 

[Deckerd]

I don't think it really matters. If they hadn't told her he died then it would be a problem. Otherwise, it's not that important.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I think that most children would cope but the parents do the child the best so maybe there is some logical reason for their decision.

My mother's brother committed suicide many years ago. She thinks that he took sleeping pills when actually he poisoned himself with Ratsak. He would have had a slow and painful death. My sisters and I didn't find out about the manner of his death until a couple of years after his death and we agreed never to tell our mother about it.

 

[SiorX]

One would think it would be enough to say he took a fall or something. One can process something like that as a kid, and then perhaps later in life think about it again and understand more. Kids are pretty resilient about things like that. It's not like they have to do sound effects.

I'm sorry to take the thread further off-topic, but I really do need to ask. The three deaths through strangulation while masturbating... er - how, exactly?

 

[Danoz]

I don't have a problem with them being vague about the manner of death to their 12-year old, but telling an outright lie seems a bit pointless and counterproductive to me.

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

My drug-addict mother told me roughly twenty different stories about my father's death. Last year, my father found me on facebook, proving himself quite alive in the process.

I didn't want to bring this up before, but now I feel compelled to, so bam. Moral of the story is: it's probably a lot better to be completely honest about these matters than to hide the truth in half-lies.

 

[Mr Awe]

I think they might as well tell the girl the truth. It's already bad enough. But, it's a learning moment too, about safety. Too often you can only learn about safety by theory (you should do this or bad things happen), which isn't so effective with kids. Or because something bad happens to you. In this case, it happened to someone else and hopefully it'll be a valuable lesson.

Mr Awe

 

[1001001]

There's a simple rule here: If they're old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to get an answer.

Now you can be tactful and/or careful about that answer, but generally speaking we tell our kids the truth.

Trusting us when we tell them something is very important to us. We don't want them to have the experience of discovering we lied to them, and wondering what else was a lie.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

My drug-addict mother told me roughly twenty different stories about my father's death. Last year, my father found me on facebook, proving himself quite alive in the process.

I didn't want to bring this up before, but now I feel compelled to, so bam. Moral of the story is: it's probably a lot better to be completely honest about these matters than to hide the truth in half-lies.

OMG. I am so sorry!
OT: have you reconnected with your father since discovering he is alive?


To the OP: I believe she should be told the truth. Gently, but told the truth. It will come back to bite them in the ass someday if they don't.

 

[Cheapjack]

If they're under five, they just died, they've gone away.

Older than that, they should know the details.

 

[JarodRussell]

It's easy. "Your grandpa died." And when they ask "How?", you tell them.

Give your aunt and uncle a slap to the back of their heads. What other lies are they telling their children, just because it might be upsetting them?

 

[Jan]

I feel like I'm missing something. What possible reason could there be for hiding the fact that it was an accident rather than natural causes? It's not as if it makes the loss any less sudden.

The whole bit of 'protecting' kids from being upset ticks me off. Kids lack life experience but they're not generally stupid. In fact, in my (admitedly limited) experience they're far more observant than many adults. If I were the girl and I discovered the lie I'd wonder what else my parents were lying about.

Jan

 

[trekkiedane]

I could see a 5 or 6 year old being told that but at 12 I think she could handle the truth. Then again, I don't know the kid so I can't say for sure.

I think that would be even worse; It's a horrible way to get the lesson, but stairs are dangerous and if you didn't know before, this horrible incident is sure to teach you.

But 'died in his sleep' might make kids fear going to bed!

I'm sorry to take the thread further off-topic, but I really do need to ask. The three deaths through strangulation while masturbating... er - how, exactly?

Erotic asphyxiation -or in this case: Autoerotic asphyxiation.
In the episode Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose, the (reluctant) psychic Clyde Bruckman hints at this being the cause of death for Agent Mulder

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

OMG. I am so sorry!
OT: have you reconnected with your father since discovering he is alive?

I have. Not to derail the topic too much, but long story short, it turns out we're rather alike. Favorite bands, favorite movies... now if only I could get him into Trek.

To the OP: I believe she should be told the truth. Gently, but told the truth. It will come back to bite them in the ass someday if they don't.

Absolutely agreed.