ST-One
Vice Admiral
No, you don't.
I don't know how/who a person really is unless you actually live with him/her, get through all the little stuff that is going on the the privacy of one's home.
Is it okay for people to live together before getting married?
- Thread starter Puritan
- Start date
No, you don't.
I don't know how/who a person really is unless you actually live with him/her, get through all the little stuff that is going on the the privacy of one's home.
That's why you normally date them first.... it's all in stages. Date the person, see if you mesh with them, if not.... toss em.
If you do mesh with them, after a few months of being together, see if they are willing to move in with you and take the relationship to the next level.
Once you figure out that you guys can even live together without trying to kill each other in your sleep, then you can probably face a marriage as the next step and go from there.
Seem's pretty logical compared to skipping that important middle step of seeing how you guys do living together.
This is a person you are planning to SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH and to start a family with..... Nit Picking comes with the territory and if someone didn't nit pick over such a decision, then they're not thinking very clearly if you ask me, thus not making a sound judgement and increase their chances of some serious problems later down the road that become more complicated to address once you're married.
Who said this was even happening?
The core basics of dating is to get to know someone to determine if there is any chance of a future relationship together.... but mere dating can only go so far and you can only learn so much. If you leave that as your only tool of learning about your partner before deciding to marry them, you can end up with all sorts of unforseen situations, traits in your partner, things you may not have thought of before hand..... then what?
Suck it up and say "Well, I married them?"
Me thinks not. I hold more respect for myself, my family and my future then to just leave my life up for chance with a wife I never took the time to fully know about before I made a decision.
You know a lot when you date someone over a few months or year(s).... but can't learn as much as you can if you take a few months to live with that person and for you two to be a part of each other's lives in a not-so binding commitment like being married to one another.
This isn't just for my best interests, but for hers as well. Maybe I think she's great and wonderful, maybe I do want to marry her..... but what if she doesn't feel the same way after living with me? It's in the best interests of both parties involved.
To just avoid living with the person first? That's a pretty big factor of available knowledge to just simply ignore or leave up to chance.
Oh....my....GAWDAre you really that THICK?
I've seen it happen many times. Mother nags daughter about still being single at age 25; aunts and uncles nag niece/nephew about why that person is still dating the same person and should just "settle down"; mom and dad start "dropping hints" to son/daughter about how, "There comes a time when people need to become a responsible member of society, blah blah blah"; and the infamous, "I WANT GRANDCHILDREN".
Yea, my grandmother's like that. She keeps asking when I'm going to get married and give her great grand children. And she wants me to marry a POLISH girl, in some sorta "keeping the bloodline pure" nonsence. And seeing how every women in the Polish neighborhoods age....no thank you. The Polish community women here in Southeast Michigan = Bunch of fat chicks in ugly dresses. Be married to those....I'd rather throw peanuts at them.
I have no plans for marriage, starting a family, having a white picket fence, and so on. And granny can go nag someone else if she wants great grand children so badly.
Skrew society with a phillips, says I.
Rii
Rear Admiral
O teh noes! You just metaphorically equated people to mere objects, finished products, soulless merchandise! I'm just shaken and appalled by your behaviour and you should bow your head in shame for such a disturbing thought.
Like Galactus did here?
Galactus said:
I dislike all analogies and expressions that treat people as objects, although some are certainly worse than others.
That's the definition of pressure.
I've lived together, I've been married, I've been divorced, I have kids.
I don't think there is one answer for everyone, but if there had to be, then I don't think there should be such a thing as marriage. Marriage is someone or some group or some set of rules that is outside the couple forcing them to conform to an artificial structure. Marriages fail because the couple weren't able to live up to these expectations. They weren't able to stay monogamous, or they weren't able to fullfill their economic or household or sexual roles, etc.
The reason people "need" to get married is to make a show for the rest of the family/community. Also to get presents, etc. Parents throw a big party and hand over cheques. Strip away all of that, and just have 2 people show up at city hall and sign a paper and exactly what motive is there to do that? What is accomplished? It is really all done for image and show to please other people.
In saying this, I'm not disputing that couples love each other, have romance, feel commitment etc. But these things exist before marriage as well, it isn't marriage that makes it happen.
For a couple there is a certain wonderful moment when it changes from "I'm enjoying this time with you" to "I want to stay with you". And there is a legitmate desire to shout this out to the world. That is a wonderful indulgence, but ultimatly it is just a conceit. "We are special, look at us!" Actually we are not all that special. We are just like everyone else.
Having children is huge. Even buying a home together is significant. Getting married is nothing. Even Brittany Spears can do it.
There is nothing spiritual about marriage. God doesn't hate you if aren't married. Nothing is going to change because some priest claims to have given you a blessing. Spirituality comes from within, not without. No one can give it to you.
As for me, I was raised in upper middle class suburbs, a United Church mother and Catholic father, with a mismash of childhood church attendance which ended during cynical teenage years. At present I am spiritual in a personal meditative sort of way that is no one's business but my own.
I don't think there is one answer for everyone, but if there had to be, then I don't think there should be such a thing as marriage. Marriage is someone or some group or some set of rules that is outside the couple forcing them to conform to an artificial structure. Marriages fail because the couple weren't able to live up to these expectations. They weren't able to stay monogamous, or they weren't able to fullfill their economic or household or sexual roles, etc.
The reason people "need" to get married is to make a show for the rest of the family/community. Also to get presents, etc. Parents throw a big party and hand over cheques. Strip away all of that, and just have 2 people show up at city hall and sign a paper and exactly what motive is there to do that? What is accomplished? It is really all done for image and show to please other people.
In saying this, I'm not disputing that couples love each other, have romance, feel commitment etc. But these things exist before marriage as well, it isn't marriage that makes it happen.
For a couple there is a certain wonderful moment when it changes from "I'm enjoying this time with you" to "I want to stay with you". And there is a legitmate desire to shout this out to the world. That is a wonderful indulgence, but ultimatly it is just a conceit. "We are special, look at us!" Actually we are not all that special. We are just like everyone else.
Having children is huge. Even buying a home together is significant. Getting married is nothing. Even Brittany Spears can do it.
There is nothing spiritual about marriage. God doesn't hate you if aren't married. Nothing is going to change because some priest claims to have given you a blessing. Spirituality comes from within, not without. No one can give it to you.
As for me, I was raised in upper middle class suburbs, a United Church mother and Catholic father, with a mismash of childhood church attendance which ended during cynical teenage years. At present I am spiritual in a personal meditative sort of way that is no one's business but my own.
No, because the difference between dating and living together hinges on domestic arrangements, your examples do not.
If you can't see that 'knowing someone well' and 'living with someone' are two totally different things, you certainly have never shared a house or room with a friend. People can be the closest of close friends, shack em up together, and they may well be at each other's throats. If you're intending that situation to be permanent, you should at least try it out first.
You've seriously never had a bad roommate.
No, actually, you said that, he said the exact opposite.
I've heard that about 60% of married couples in my neck of the woods live with each other before marriage, and about 80% of people have lived with a boyfriend or girlfriend outside of marriage. All of my closest friends did, my wife and I did. iI's an accepted, cultural norm here.
Activist seeks divorce ban in California
Comedic movement takes jab at voters who outlawed gay marriage
The best quote from the article:
Comedic movement takes jab at voters who outlawed gay marriage
The best quote from the article:
New Jersey, USA. Atheist. My parents were from the old country, my mother never has become and American citizen. My dad was pretty liberal though, they laid a foundation for me, even thugh my mom was very religious and my dad was agnostic, they let me make my own decisions when I grew up. Living together with someone before marraige seems like a great idea, hell living together even though there won't be marraige is fine by me, I've done both. You really get to know a person from day to day.
RAMA
O teh noes! You just metaphorically equated people to mere objects, finished products, soulless merchandise! I'm just shaken and appalled by your behaviour and you should bow your head in shame for such a disturbing thought.
Even though he kept it gender neutral, we should all just assume he was objectifying women specifically. What a sexist pig.
really?
Praxius said:The core basics of dating is to get to know someone to determine if there is any chance of a future relationship together.... but mere dating can only go so far and you can only learn so much. If you leave that as your only tool of learning about your partner before deciding to marry them, you can end up with all sorts of unforseen situations, traits in your partner, things you may not have thought of before hand..... then what?
Suck it up and say "Well, I married them?"
Ah, that is my sister in a nutshell.
My parents (conservative Jews) managed to raise three children, none of whom married a Jew.
My older sister? My parents couldn't see her "living in sin"--but boy do they wish she had. Not that he's a bad guy, but both have difficult personalities, they are both ill-suited to the other (heck, likely ill-suited to any emotionally healthy person), and their children are paying the price. Not pretty at all. But...they're 20 years married and look to be staying that way.
My older brother? Married his high-school sweetheart. Ahhhh, right? Geez, last time I visited, the amount of yelling that was normal for them literally hurt my ears. Oh, Hubby and I can yell, but it's nowhere near that common.
Hubby and I? We lived together 9 years before marrying--though we knew--or at least very strongly suspected--that once we were together, that was it.
If my siblings had lived with their spouses even ONE year before marrying, I doubt they would've married at all. They would've had their eyes opened at how ill-suited they were. While some friends and family who know me and Hubby say this or that about us (we can spat sometimes, not yelling argue, but spat), when asked if they could imagine us apart or with someone else, they can't.
But, I DO think there's a difference between living together and being married. There are legal, social, and emotional effects. These very differences are the reasons gay people wish to marry.
BTW, anybody else hear about the guy here in CA who wants to have divorce banned? He says that if marriage is so sacrosanct, divorce should not be allowed. Now, most people will acknowledge that this should not happen for practical reasons (abusive marriages, etc)--yet if these couples had lived together before marriage (sans producing kids who would legally bind them even without marriage), the relationship wold be easier--at least legally though maybe not emotionally--to end. Groups against gay marriage have spoken up as against banning divorce, from what I've read, solely on the grounds of impracticality. I dunno, that seems hypocritical that they can't come up with another reason to be against it (even if practicality is sufficient).
That pretty much describes my Parents. Luckily, I turned out okay.
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