Is it okay for people to live together before getting married?

[Spot's Meow]

Yes, I believe it's okay. I'm living with my boyfriend right now actually. We dated for 2.5 years while in college. After we graduated we both got into graduate schools very close to each other. It only made sense to live together since there is no way either of us could afford an apartment by ourselves. We aren't engaged yet but it is just obvious that we will be getting married. Neither of us are into the formal lovey dovey romance crap so we probably will just skip the engagement or have a very short one. In fact we don't even want a wedding ceremony, just a reception.

Anyway, we've been dating for 4 years now. Adjusting to living with him was not difficult at all, it felt very natural and after a few days it felt like we had always just lived together.

I don't know if it makes a difference to anyone but we do have separate bedrooms, for a variety of reasons. Like sleeping alone sometimes, having a personal space to do homework, we have completely different schedules and I am a light sleeper. My grandparents, married over 60 years, have always had separate bedrooms so it never seemed odd to me.

No one in my life really cared when we moved in together.

Oh the other hand, my sister is living with her boyfriend and they are now engaged, and I think that some people are uncomfortable about it. Mostly because they had dated for less than a year when they moved in together and got engaged. And I just don't think that's long enough. Also, I can easily see my sister doing these things just because she thinks it's what you're supposed to do in a relationship. She is very much into a fantasy romance fairytale, and so she jumps into things without noticing the reality that's around her.

I grew up in Northern California, usually near the Bay Area. Still living around there. I am not religious nor is my boyfriend.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

Yes, I believe it's okay. I'm living with my boyfriend right now actually. We dated for 2.5 years while in college. After we graduated we both got into graduate schools very close to each other. It only made sense to live together since there is no way either of us could afford an apartment by ourselves. We aren't engaged yet but it is just obvious that we will be getting married. Neither of us are into the formal lovey dovey romance crap so we probably will just skip the engagement or have a very short one. In fact we don't even want a wedding ceremony, just a reception.

Anyway, we've been dating for 4 years now. Adjusting to living with him was not difficult at all, it felt very natural and after a few days it felt like we had always just lived together.

I don't know if it makes a difference to anyone but we do have separate bedrooms, for a variety of reasons. Like sleeping alone sometimes, having a personal space to do homework, we have completely different schedules and I am a light sleeper. My grandparents, married over 60 years, have always had separate bedrooms so it never seemed odd to me.

No one in my life really cared when we moved in together.

Oh the other hand, my sister is living with her boyfriend and they are now engaged, and I think that some people are uncomfortable about it. Mostly because they had dated for less than a year when they moved in together and got engaged. And I just don't think that's long enough. Also, I can easily see my sister doing these things just because she thinks it's what you're supposed to do in a relationship. She is very much into a fantasy romance fairytale, and so she jumps into things without noticing the reality that's around her.

I grew up in Northern California, usually near the Bay Area. Still living around there. I am not religious nor is my boyfriend.

I know some people who get blinded by the whole love thing. My friend is dating another one of my friends and he's a bit of a dog....we all worked at the same place and he'd flirt with the female security guards and even decided to go have a coffee with one of the temps he thought was hot, all the while, hurting my friend's feelings, so what does she do? She moves in with him and wants to get married this summer.

-sigh-

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

I do find myself wondering, though, just how frank some couples are in TALKING to each other before marriage. I know that even though I wouldn't live with my fiance beforehand, if I got engaged, I would have some very serious, very direct conversations about the kinds of things that can drive couples apart, to make sure that we do indeed share the fundamental beliefs that couples need to be in agreement on in order to live together. (MONEY, priorities in life, attitudes about kids and how they should be raised, beliefs, and so on.) Once a relationship is that serious, I don't think tiptoeing is a good idea at all.

^thats the case with me and my fiancée. We talk about a lot of things. We even decided on the names for two of the three kids we want, how we quill struggle at first. But we aren't gonna live together until we are married in 18 months.

I hate to sound too cynical, I just want to point out that all these possible pitfalls might still happen, even with communication. People change, they change their minds, life events alter circumstances, and sometime people just don't know what they want when they're younger. I'm not saying you shouldn't speak about these things before; I believe it is especially imperative to speak about children and religion. Just a reminder that it's often an ongoing conversation and that things can change.

You mention that people do not know what they want when they're younger...that's a good argument for waiting until you're older to date.

And yes, things can change, but very honest conversation is STILL going to be your best way to head off future conflicts or to get a sense of if someone is not committed or not sincere, and break it off before there's the huge commitment of resources.

A long friendship, then dating, then engagement period is wise, too. But I do not think that getting your resources entangled with them, or engaging in intimacy with them, is at all wise until the commitment is absolute enough that you are willing to (and actually do) go through with marriage. It's not "just a piece of paper." It's about the seriousness of your commitment, that you are actually willing to do away with the escape clause and not treat this other person like merchandise that can be taken back to Wal-Mart at any time. (And if you've ever returned merchandise at Wal-Mart, you know what I mean!)

Seriously, it has been truly, truly disturbing to me in this thread to see people talk about men or women (as the case may be) as if they were just MERCHANDISE.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

You mention that people do not know what they want when they're younger...that's a good argument for waiting until you're older to date.

And yes, things can change, but very honest conversation is STILL going to be your best way to head off future conflicts or to get a sense of if someone is not committed or not sincere, and break it off before there's the huge commitment of resources.

A long friendship, then dating, then engagement period is wise, too. But I do not think that getting your resources entangled with them, or engaging in intimacy with them, is at all wise until the commitment is absolute enough that you are willing to (and actually do) go through with marriage. It's not "just a piece of paper." It's about the seriousness of your commitment, that you are actually willing to do away with the escape clause and not treat this other person like merchandise that can be taken back to Wal-Mart at any time. (And if you've ever returned merchandise at Wal-Mart, you know what I mean!)

Seriously, it has been truly, truly disturbing to me in this thread to see people talk about men or women (as the case may be) as if they were just MERCHANDISE.

Yeah, it IS just a piece of paper. The only thing that will change is my last name. I find it sad that you think that a commitment has to be serious only if marriage by paper is involved. I've been with my common-law hubby for 7 years. We've discussed kids and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me how much he loves me and he doesn't need one to tell him how much I love him. Sorry but it's utterly ridiculous that people think that is what makes a commitment serious. I'd say being with my first love for 7 years, living with him and having already planned our kids and future is a pretty serious commitment all on it's own without that piece of paper that will do nothing but change my last name. If anything ever did happen, the result would be exactly the same as a divorce except we are only common law married but the property and money division, it's all the same.

 

[Tom Riley]

I'm a gay man who actively participates in the gay rights movement, so I'm sure that shows right there how important I find marriage. That being said though, I DO believe that marriage has no impact on the seriousness and level of commitment in a relationship. A married couple should be deeply committed to each other, but you do not have to be married just to be deeply committed to each other. But again, even so marriage is important, and not "just" a piece of paper. It brings legal privileges and conveniences that separate individuals cannot access (case and point). That's only the secular side of marriage. For religious people, marriage is also a way of swearing their commitment to each other before God or whatever respective deity. So no, marriage is not "just" a piece of paper, but marriage also is not necessarily indicative of deep commitment, nor is it required in order to have a deep commitment to each other.

I think living together before marriage is a good thing. It's a good time to begin to establish a life together in a more complete way, and starts to set up for a lifetime together which is part of the idea of marriage. For some people, marriage isn't for them, and they would just have their lives together at this point. Either way, moving in together with a significant other is still a BIG step in a relationship, and should still not be taken lightly. There should be a good amount of consideration put into the decision to finally move in with a significant other.

(i) I was born, raised, and currently reside in a small city (just over 80,000 people) in southern New Hampshire.
(ii) I was raised in a rather religion-less household. Not to say my parents aren't religious, they are, they just never really exposed us to it in a very steady manner. We went to an episcopal church... sometimes... and both my parents are religious, but it's more something they hold personally and keep to themselves. I am now an atheist.
(iii) Just my own observations of others and my own experiences, combined with an over-analytical, science and psycho/sociological oriented mind that spends a lot of time thinking, and questioning, and (at least attempting at) answering.

 

[Deckerd]

Marriage isn't anything like as important as it used to be. The laws protecting couples living together reflects this in most secular countries .

 

[Kataaran]

I think living together is fine. My other half and I have been living together for over three years. We have the same level of commitment to each other as my married brother does to his wife.

I'm not at all religious and neither is the OH.

 

[John Picard]

Marriage isn't anything like as important as it used to be. The laws protecting couples living together reflects this in most secular countries .

QFT. i.e. The Defense of Marriage Act in the US.

 

[cultcross]

Marriage isn't anything like as important as it used to be. The laws protecting couples living together reflects this in most secular countries .

QFT. i.e. The Defense of Marriage Act in the US.

Yeah there's a swell piece of legislation that doesn't at all merely enshrine unjustifiable bigotry into law.

 

[Kestra]

Seriously, it has been truly, truly disturbing to me in this thread to see people talk about men or women (as the case may be) as if they were just MERCHANDISE.

I haven't seen that in this thread. I see people having a pretty rational discussion of their beliefs and some solid explanations for those beliefs. Also I don't understand the whole Wal-Mart thing?

 

[cultcross]

Seriously, it has been truly, truly disturbing to me in this thread to see people talk about men or women (as the case may be) as if they were just MERCHANDISE.

It's called a metaphor. It's not saying men and women are merchandise, merely drawing the comparison to trying something before you commit to it long term in retail.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Seriously, it has been truly, truly disturbing to me in this thread to see people talk about men or women (as the case may be) as if they were just MERCHANDISE.

Sorry, you need to get off your high horse if you want to engage in honest discussion. There have been some very good points supporting both positions, made by well informed individuals with different lives and experience. I have my opinion about the issue, but I respect the fact that you have different values.

Your posts, however, have been more and more rude and insulting. You started saying that people would bash you based on your religion. Nobody did. You said you do not wish to look down on others and condemn people. Yet you did. So it looks like you have some kind of chip on your shoulder about this issue, and I advice you to take a step back and think about it.

 

[JustKate]

In Nerys' defense, there is a fair amount of religion-bashing here on the BBS, and there's been a little in this thread. But not very much. I think she perhaps erred early on in assuming that there would be more, because frankly, there usually is, and when it happens, it gets pretty ugly. (And pointless. And usually boring.) You all have seen threads like that here, I'm sure. However, that hasn't happened in this thread. It's been a remarkably free of that, really, considering the nature of this discussion. I think we all owe ourselves a nice round of applause.

 

[Praxius]

Along with your answer to the above, please state (i) where you spent your formative years (i.e., what city/state/country), (ii) how religious you are, and/or (iii) any other factor that you think plays into why you think the way you do. Thanks!

I believe it is an important thing to do in a relationship prior to getting married.

Much like the issue on having sex before marriage or not, you need to know what you're getting into. The decision of marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life, so you best make sure there isn't anything that's going to cause problems down the road, or at least be aware on how to address them in the future.

What if you live totally differently to your partner?

What if you have difficulty adjusting to this person being around you all the time, living every day, every night with this person being right next to you.

How controlling or neat-freaky are you compared to them?

Are you planning to move in with them or for them to move in with you.... or find a new place for both of you?

If you move in with them, how much freedom are you going to have in changing the place around to be more like your home as well?... the counter: How much are you willing to have change in your home for your partner to feel at home?

It's a little late to easily address those things after you're married and afterwards, it can be more difficult, perhaps in some cases, even impossible to resolve some issues which can eventually put strain on the relationship.

As for sex that I mentioned earlier, the same applies. This is someone you're planing on spending the rest of your life with. I know for myself, I want to know as much as possible of what I am getting into before I make a decision..... not just for myself, but for my partner's well being as well. If I don't feel we connect on some important things I feel are key to the relationship, and there seems to be no way to solve the problem, or my partner refuses to compromise as I would expect myself to, then that's someone I don't want to spend the rest of my life with.

Life is too short.

I know from the last two relationships before this relationship I am in, if I didn't do any of the above beforehand, I might have married one of them and I can only imagine what my life would be like now.... in fact I don't want to imagine because I know I'd be miserable and going through a long divorce right about now.

I wouldn't call myself religious, not in any of the sense of relation to today's common religions and beliefs. I grew up in a Roman Catholic family, went to church every sunday growing up, had all the teachings and such shoved into my head...... found that a number of questions I felt were important were never answered or I was told to just have faith, plus a number of beliefs in the religion clash with my own (things like Abortion, same sex marriages, etc. I differ on) Thus I left the church and sought out my own path.

I have a belief in the afterlife, but it'd take way too long to explain here and is a bit complex.

I spent the majority of my life in Atlantic Canada, Nova Scotia to be exact. A majority Christian location compared to other religions, strong Celtic background/history here. Family consists mainly of people who are in the Fishing industry, medical industry, education and military. I am the Advertisement/Art/Creative side of the family.

If this helps any.

Added:

And for the record, I never once went into a relationship just for the sake of sex. All of my select few relationships were all based around the plan of a long term relationship that eventually leads to a marriage. In order to make a sound decision on my part, I need to know as much as possible about the person who will be a part of my life for a long time and they diserve the same type of information from me so they can make a sound decision themselves. In regards to partners I moved in with, there were only two others before my wife and we didn't move in until a number of months dating one another to see how things were going..... certainly not after the first date. Of course, based on how often they stayed over, it felt like that happened *oh snap*

 

[Galactus]

Threads like this and the TNZ really have made me realize how many people here are anti-religious.

People are free to do whatever they want. If you are asking me if I would do it then the answer is no. I really don't understand why anyone, especially a woman, would just live with someone before getting married. Seems to me all you are doing is waiting for a better opportunity to come along. If you think divorce rates are high, what do you think just living together and breaking up rates are. It has been said many times, but I will say it again. Who is going to buy a cow if you are already getting the milk for free?


edit:
Maybe I am missing something, but how much time are you spending with this person before you are married. I am seeing people talk about learning their habits, behavior, etc. Are you not doing that while you are dating? I will also say this living together is not the same thing as being married, if it was then you would not be willing to do one and not the other. Also how many of you actually think of marriage as a life long commitment. I am sure you would get a divorce in a heartbeat if you became unhappy.

 

[Kestra]

Threads like this and the TNZ really have made me realize how many people here are anti-religious.

Why this thread? People aren't being mocked for being religious here. I'm religious, and I posted in this thread just fine.

I really don't understand why anyone, especially a woman, would just live with someone before getting married.

Many people here have given their reasons, quite clearly. There is also the idea that some people simply never desire marriage. That shouldn't be so difficult to understand. Not everyone wants to get married.

Also how many of you actually think of marriage as a life long commitment. I am sure you would get a divorce in a heartbeat if you became unhappy.

I think of it as a lifelong commitment, and I would not get a divorce in a heartbeat.

 

[John Picard]

edit:
Maybe I am missing something, but how much time are you spending with this person before you are married. I am seeing people talk about learning their habits, behavior, etc. Are you not doing that while you are dating? I will also say this living together is not the same thing as being married, if it was then you would not be willing to do one and not the other. Also how many of you actually think of marriage as a life long commitment. I am sure you would get a divorce in a heartbeat if you became unhappy.

How can you know someone's habits if you haven't lived with him/her? Living together IS the same as being married, the only difference being formalities such as, 1) a State document, 2) the title of Mr/Mrs, and 3) name changes. Other than that, how could it be different? Marriage is a contract -- always has been and always will be.

Query -- Why is a marriage license the only non-renewable license issued by the State?

I think the big anti-religious sentiment arises because people get fed up with zealots telling them how to live their lives based on the doctrine of said zealot. IMO, if you practice a particular belief that's fine; however, you need to MYOB when it comes to what I do in my personal life if you and/or your doctrine do not approve.

 

[RandyS]

I have no problem with people living together before marriage.

1. I'm on the west coast (exactly where is my buisness)
2. I believe there is a God, but do not practice reglion of any kind
3. I think the way I do because I am presently faced with this exact situation, and am looking forward to it.

 

[Praxius]

...... Oh the other hand, my sister is living with her boyfriend and they are now engaged, and I think that some people are uncomfortable about it. Mostly because they had dated for less than a year when they moved in together and got engaged. And I just don't think that's long enough. Also, I can easily see my sister doing these things just because she thinks it's what you're supposed to do in a relationship. She is very much into a fantasy romance fairytale, and so she jumps into things without noticing the reality that's around her.

Well I'm not sure on your sister's age or her own personal reasoning skills, but Maybe it is all the way she sees it.

My wife and I although sorta knew each other over a number of years in a site similar to this one but was geared as a forum for a band we were interested in. Eventually we got talking and within about a week, maybe two, we already had plans for her to pack up all her stuff in Australia and come here to Canada to live with me and start a relationship.

We had a year to talk to one another, web cam, send pictures and all that and had plenty of time to simply talk to one another before she came over and even then it was risky.... we may not even be the same people when she arrived.... but sometimes people need to take risks.

She came, moved in and neither of us looked back...... we got engaged last Christmas, got married this past September and here we are.

It isn't for everybody, and many people do things differently, each has to decide for themselves what risks are worth while and which one's are not.

Your sister may be setting herself up for disapointment in the end.... then again, maybe she sees something others don't. Either way, these are things we all have to figure out on our own and learn the hard way.

 

[Galactus]

Kestra
No one has been attacking and demeaning, just hey are anti-religious. I understand that some people don't want to get married, but the thread is about those people that do want to get married. So this is a different discussion than that.

John Picard
If marriage is the same as living together, why would you not get married instead of living together? You are right that contract is the very reason people get married. Be it for religious or other reasons, people want that contract that says this person and I are one under the law.

I don't know about you or some of the other people here, but when the people I know are in a relationship, they are spending all their time together. When they are not at work they are together. The only times they are apart are when are doing activities with other. The rest of the time they are together. So they are spending everyday together. How much more time do you think you will spend with the person just because you are living together?

Seems to me people think that living together will automatically tell you everything you will need to know about how this person will behave when you are married (which rarely comes about after living together). It won't. You don't know how someone will react to something until it happens and you see how they react.

And why do you think religious people need to check their beliefs at the door when being a part of society when you don't. If I am religious and it influences how I vote, etc why do you think that is any more wrong than you being anti religious and using that to influence how you make decisions?