Insulting Comments

[Thespeckledkiwi]

Since I hit puberty my aunt and my grandmother on my mothers side have had a tendency to pinch my hips and mention how I am a little hippy. Maybe I should lay off the pizza and soda.

I dont eat pizza and I dont drink soda.

Funny thing is that both of them have hips so damn big I can fit both my thighs and hips into one of their pant legs.

I dont go visit them for a reason.

Tell 'em you're damn proud of your curves, thank you very much. Even though fashion designers don't design like it, you're healthier and (at least from my womanly perspective) better-looking if you actually HAVE curves instead of looking like a rail.

QFT I am a sexy beast and I know it. I use it to my advantage as well

IIRC, I once read (and don't ask me WHERE, because I have no idea...) that men are subtly attracted to rounder hips because of child bearing - er issues. Or something along those lines.

I get made fun of simply because I am vastly underweight by around 30-45 lbs but I eat 2,500+ calories a day. It's because I am almost extra hyper that I need almost double that amount to gain anything but I don't.

 

[Hermiod]

IIRC, I once read (and don't ask me WHERE, because I have no idea...) that men are subtly attracted to rounder hips because of child bearing - er issues. Or something along those lines.

Ultimately that's what it comes down to. Fun as sex might be, the purpose of it is reproduction. If a woman has "child bearing hips" that says to a guy on a subconcious level that she will have no problem delivering healthy babies. Big breasts means she'll be able to feed them well too.

 

[An Officer]

The size of your breasts doesn't determine how much milk comes out of them.

I have gained a little weight myself (about 5kg), and at least a couple of people have made comments about it. It's quite mortifying to be on the receiving end of that. I can really sympathise with you. It's such a crass thing to do to a person. If someone has gained weight, they can easily notice that themselves, they do not need comments and jokes on top of that. It's a form of bullying actually, to point out someone else's supposed "shortcomings" so you can feel superior.

 

[Hermiod]

The size of your breasts doesn't determine how much milk comes out of them.

Instinct != Logic.

 

[RJDiogenes]

I've actually put on a few pounds in the last few years (because of being put on a diet, ironically) after being quite skinny for most of my life. Some of my friends and relatives comment on it. So what? They comment that my hairline is receding and I'm going a bit gray, too. It's a fact of life. A sad, miserable, depressing fact of life, but a fact of life, nonetheless.

There's a reason it takes eight years to get through medical school.

I do not want to be one of that doctor's patients.

Well, four years of medical school and four years of residency.

 

[thestrangequark]

Elmo, you make some very good points in your post, though while I generally agree with the rule of thumb to not be too obtrusive regarding a friend's health and weight, I think one can and should discuss such issues with their friends if they're genuinely concerned. Not everyone is as aware of their health as you suggested, and some may be in denial -- I think of it sort of like alcoholism: if a close friend of mine was on the road to alcoholism, I'd do my utmost to intervene; likewise, if a close friend of mine seemed to be gaining a lot of weight, I'd want to know why. I'd approach the issue with sensitivity, but I'd consider it my duty as a good friend to concern myself with my friend's health. I think the wrong thing to do is what the OP talks about -- making off-hand remarks. I'd be annoyed too if my friends were doing that. But having a genuine discussion about your concern for your friend is appropriate.
As for the OP, I'd suggest just politely mentioning that the comments about your weight make you uncomfortable. It'll be an awkward moment, and then it'll end. If she's a decent woman and takes you seriously then that'll be that.

at IceHoneyRose

Part of why I hate buying dresses, and pretty much always wear suits, is that dress designers don't know how to create something for a nice set of hips. To get a skirt that flows the right way would generally require me to get something that looks bad at the waist. Very irritating.

What about A-lines? I've the same big hips, big butt problem. A garment that fits a 25 inch waist usually doesn't fit 38 inch hips. A-lines are great, because you don't have to worry about fitting the bottom. The other solution is always tailoring. I tend to be size 4-ish on top and 6-ish on bottom, so for the more form-fitting dresses I just go for the size that fits the bottom and tailor the rest. It's not all that expensive.

 

[captcalhoun]

curvy girls... *sigh*

sorry, what?

 

[Cicero]

Really, our weight is nobody's business but our own. Same with our health.

My friends' health is my business. Because I love them, and I don't want to see them suffering in any way.

Unless you're their personal doctor, you don't know how healthy someone truly is. You certainly can't tell by looking at them.

That's true. While one cannot rule a person healthy by visual impression, many conditions of ill health have obvious visual signs. One can tell that a person is unhealthy by observing that they're carrying excessive body fat (around the middle, for instance, any but a very little bit of fat is unhealthy).

 

[Deckerd]

I've never understood why people feel it incumbent upon themselves to tell someone overweight that they're fat. Trust me - they know. Pointing it out to them is only designed to do one thing: cause hurt.

Families excepted of course. Everything's fair game there.

 

[Shaw]

It's kind of a steady weight in the past couple of years or so. My BMI is 26 or 27 for a guy my age and height, which is just over the ideal 25 and below range (even when I had a gym membership). It could be my metabolism slowing down as I hit my 30s; it could be the medication I've been taking. I still keep pretty active and do cardio exercise five to six days a week.

You should be careful about using BMI unless you are almost perfectly average.

For example I score a 31 on most BMI tests, which must mean I'm obese... right?

Well, at 5' 11" and 225 lb., that is what those types of test are going to tell the average person... and they suggest that I should weigh 172 lb. There is one problem with that... my lean body weight is 174 lb., so I would have to have less than 0% body fat to reach what they say I should weigh!

Right now I'm at 23% body fat... and I know that I'm between 15 to 20 lb. heavier than my doctor would like (I'm supposed to stay between 200 and 210, or at about 15% body fat), but he also gets worried if I drop below 195 lb. (because I start to look too thin).

The thing is, I can't use any of those BMI calculators because they don't cover my body type. So before putting too much faith in BMI calculations, you might want to make sure that you're one of the people it was tailored for.

 

[Mr Awe]

I may not be as svelte as I used to back in my underwear modeling days ...

This thread is useless without pictures.


OT:
I have an uncle that pokes me in the stomach and makes a comment every time he sees me. He's the only member of my family that I really don't like. There's lots of other reasons. He's pretty much an all-around tool. Thing is, he's got more extra weight than I do and as far as I can tell from old pictures the smallest he's been is the same as me.

Sounds to me like he's trying to feel better about himself by putting you down.

Mr Awe

 

[Mr Awe]

I may not be as svelte as I used to back in my underwear modeling days ... but it always bothers me when one of my old friends makes a subtle (or not so subtle) comment about the way I look. I'm not the kind of person who judges someone based on his/her physical appearance, and, frankly, I think anyone who does just that is either shallow or needs a lesson in good manners.

If it happens with someone you don't consider a friend, just an acquaintence or even a strange, don't hesitate to tell them, firmly but politely, that your health is your own private concern.

It's gets trickier with friends who feel the need to get involved. You want to maintain the friendship, and, yes, as a friend, they have a genuine interest in your well being and shouldn't be punished for that.

I'd still say that telling them nicely that you'd prefer not to discuss the issue is the best. You can say it in a very friendly way, and then move on.

If you're not up for that approach, just change the subject very quickly. Go in with a plan, if she brings up weight, you'll change the subject to X. Have it already in mind so when it happens you have something ready to roll of your tongue! That should still get the point across that it's a topic you'd rather not discuss.

I'd still prefer the direct approach but, well, figure out what you're up for and plan accordingly before you see her.

Mr Awe

 

[Kestra]

Since I hit puberty my aunt and my grandmother on my mothers side have had a tendency to pinch my hips and mention how I am a little hippy. Maybe I should lay off the pizza and soda.

I dont eat pizza and I dont drink soda.

Funny thing is that both of them have hips so damn big I can fit both my thighs and hips into one of their pant legs.

I dont go visit them for a reason.

Tell 'em you're damn proud of your curves, thank you very much. Even though fashion designers don't design like it, you're healthier and (at least from my womanly perspective) better-looking if you actually HAVE curves instead of looking like a rail.

I think these types of threads often bring on that unfortunate other side, where thin people are criticized. I'm sure it wasn't your intent, but if a woman who "looks like a rail" was reading this, she might be a bit offended.

Women (and indeed people in general) come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and the key is to be healthy and feel good about your own body without comparison to others.

In regards to the original post, I believe it's incredibly rude and I would agree that most people who gain weight are aware of this. It's slightly more forgivable coming from someone who seems to have genuine concern, but it's usually not any more wanted. In my case, it's not generally productive, either. I end up with ridiculously unhealthy dieting habits in an effort to just get certain family members to stop talking about my weight. My "try to eat healthy and exercise" plan goes right out the window and instead I'm just trying to drop whatever weight I can so they'll stop criticizing me. I've tried to pull myself out of this recently, but it's difficult.

 

[Elmo Dukat]

I've never understood why people feel it incumbent upon themselves to tell someone overweight that they're fat. Trust me - they know. Pointing it out to them is only designed to do one thing: cause hurt.

Preeecisely, QFT, and all that!

Families excepted of course. Everything's fair game there.

Unfortunately, they can cause some of the worst long-term damage with their comments.

 

[CookieMonster]

I've never understood why people feel it incumbent upon themselves to tell someone overweight that they're fat. Trust me - they know. Pointing it out to them is only designed to do one thing: cause hurt.

Preeecisely, QFT, and all that!

Families excepted of course. Everything's fair game there.

Unfortunately, they can cause some of the worst long-term damage with their comments.

Exactly, my family has made these type of comments to me since puberty. I was raised from a very young age to be very conscious about my weight. So now I slightly obsess about it. Its hard to break the pattern. My doctor tells me my weight is fine so long as I am eating healthy foods and I get 30 mins of exercise 3 days a week. Just dont get over 180 again.

 

[Elmo Dukat]

Drone and IHR, you might be interested to read this: Weight Gain is Not a Personal Failure

 

[An Officer]

It's natural for women to gain a couple of pounds each year after a certain age, or so they say... and I'm probably of that "certain age"... it's quite depressing.

As to myself... eating snacks all evening long in front of the TV or computer really isn't helping... I had always been pretty active before this, walking an average of five miles a day, at a very brisk pace. I've completely stopped such actvity now, have increased my food and alcohol intake as well, so one plus one definitely equals two in my case.

Being happy and settled really isn't good for a girl's figure. I was slimmer when I was restless and miserable....

 

[ria 75]

I get insulted when wrongful accusations are made, not when truths are told.

The truth is what hurts the most. As if we didn't know it! No need to rub it in.

I had a friend I saw every couple of years, so he would see a difference where maybe I didn't. 2 or 3 years ago when I saw him after several years, I was dressed with taste and a new style but the only thing he said was I'd gained weight. The next time we met, I'd lost weight again and guess what? He didn't compliment me on that. he didn't say, "Hey, you look like you did when me met again".
What's good is taken for granted. What's bad...
We love to tease or criticise our friends. We're not comfortable to do that with strangers. What a privilege!

 

[Captain Intrepid]

Really, our weight is nobody's business but our own. Same with our health.

My friends' health is my business. Because I love them, and I don't want to see them suffering in any way.

Unless you're their personal doctor, you don't know how healthy someone truly is. You certainly can't tell by looking at them.

I'm assuming your friends are adults. If you're in the kind of relationship where they encourage your open advice about matters on which you're not an expert, that's their business. But if not, be mindful that they're just as intelligent, responsible, and self-aware as you are. And the first people to know someone has a health problem? Besides a doctor, usually the person him/herself. If they're not actively soliciting your advice about their health, a good rule of thumb is not to approach someone about it.

Because, when it comes down to it, no, your friends' health is not your business. It's their business. If they want to talk to you about it, it's still their business, and if they shun your advice you need to back off. You're not their doctor, and you're not them.

I understand the concern you're talking about, and that you believe you're just being a good friend, but your concern still doesn't make it your business. I'm sure you won't see it that way, but take it from someone who has been "approached" by others who don't know a thing about my health profile, acting "concerned." And most were genuine. They were all wrong, and their condescension has made me distance myself from them, which is sad, since we had fairly good friendships before they decided they were better at being humans than I was. All because of what they perceived my health profile to be, simply by looking at me.

There's a reason it takes eight years to get through medical school.

It seems you're confusing "concerned" with "concerned, nosy and opinionated." Whenever I ask a friend how they're doing, I'm being concerned about their health. When they're sick, I pray for them, when there's something I can do to cheer them up, I do. It's easy to be concerned without being overbearing at all.

 

[Bluewhale]

This thread is useless without pictures.


OT:
I have an uncle that pokes me in the stomach and makes a comment every time he sees me. He's the only member of my family that I really don't like. There's lots of other reasons. He's pretty much an all-around tool. Thing is, he's got more extra weight than I do and as far as I can tell from old pictures the smallest he's been is the same as me.

I don't think we need pictures in order to comment on somebody criticising those looks. After all the topic is about insulting comments, or perhaps, more widely, perceptions of other people.