I'm dating an older woman!

[Squiggy]

Personally...I'm horribly offended that Q and the Grey reminded him of us.

I think we're good until Ted McGinley shows up.

​

 

[UndeadRedshirt]

I haven't posted in one of these... shows before, but the numbers geek in me couldn't resist.

I will see and experience things 99.999999994% of the world won't even dream about.

Significant Figures: Learn it. Know it. Live it.

I did the math on this particular "statistic". Even if you round up to 7 billion for the world's population, that only leaves .42 people to have dreamed this particular dream.

I am not quite sure how that would work. Is there an upper torso running around somewhere with crazy MadBaggins related dreams?

 

[Squiggy]

SPOILER ALERT!

 

[Noname Given]

Wow! This episode had everything. Breakups, infidelity, sexual failing, bisexuality and incest. Definitely should be a two-parter.

Next Chapter: "The Three-Way" (Staring Cousin and The Girlfriend)

 

[John Picard]

The latest left me feeling dirty and with a touch of

 

[Squiggy]

I still demand to see pictures of cousin's tatas.

 

[Trekker4747]

Personally...I'm horribly offended that Q and the Grey reminded him of us.

I think we're good until Ted McGinley shows up.

​

 

[kimc]

Wow! This episode had everything. Breakups, infidelity, sexual failing, bisexuality and incest. Definitely should be a two-parter.

Only thing that was missing was a stone cold stunner.

Yeah - did he think that throwing in the extra sex would make us forget about the stone cold stunner?

Or is it cold stone stunner? It's been so long I've forgotten!

 

[Squiggy]

"Sex things".

Really? I still feel like this is like St. Elsewhere.

 

[Kommander]

So that everyone has a name (and to avoid any more cousin/girlfriend FRAUDian slips), I think The Cousin should be renamed "Kristin" (after Kristin Bell, because the thought of Kristin Bell saying things like "I'll rip your nuts off and tell everyone what you did to me" is very amusing to me) and The Girlfriend should be renamed "Stiffler's Mom."

 

[archeryguy1701]

^Well, some of us have already started using Olga for the girlfriend.

 

[Trekker4747]

"Sex things".

Really? I still feel like this is like St. Elsewhere.

Squiggy, the DVD manufactuers are very disapointed in your lack of running commentaries this season.

 

[Australis]

^ What he said!

 

[Squiggy]

There's plenty of good commentary out there from other parties who are all saying what I would've said anyway. But give me a few and I'll whip something up...

 

[Squiggy]

Here you go...bastards...

HI GUYS!

HI MADBAGGINS!!!

Sorry I haven't updated this year (have I?)

I dunno. Every time I reason of these things I start tripping and travel through time. The 4th deminsion has no meaning here.

Things have been totally HECTIC.

Yes. You haven’t had 5 minutes to update your “fans” on your “life” with your “girl”friend.

So much has went on at home and in my head.

I doubt that. But I’ll also ignore it and we’ll move on past this little white lie like it never happened.

I am constantly redefining what I am and where I am (emotionally.)

You’re using fancy talk to describe “pathologically lying”.

It has been so hard to keep track of time.

Clocks have been around since the middle ages. You don’t even need a clock. Get a stick, drive it unto the ground, watch the shadow. BEHOLD THE MAGIC AND MAJESTY OF THE YELLOW SUN!

I'm ashamed to say…

That you fucked your cousin or are in a loveless sham of a relationship?

I forgot about you guys for a long time. I only remembered when I watched part of a Voyager episode ("The Q And The Grey", absolute shit) on tv the other night. Sorry again.

Oh! I was so close. But thanks for letting us all know the shitty Trek reminds you of us. Everytime I see “A Night in Sickbay” I think of you.

Things have been nuts here.

But do you like it?

But I like it.

How much to you like it?

Oh God I like it.

Outstanding.

I am meant for this kind of life.

Psychotic?

I'm not a drone like the rest. I will see and experience things 99.999999994% of the world won't even dream about.

It can be hard, heart-breaking at times, but you havet to take the rough up the smooth.

Take…the…rough…up…the…smooth? Is this a parrot phrase? A FRAUDian slip?

It is all part of life's rich tapestry.

Textiles are teh sux. If your writing your personal feeling on a Star Trek message board, chances are your life is more akin to a pair of Wranglers than the Bayeux Tapestry.

Anyway, my cousin has been pretty much living in my girlfriend's house all month.

I called this shit months ago! Didn’t I? You can all suck it!

At first it was quite calm.

How calm?

Too calm.

Ah.

I knew she was up to something in her huge mind,

Is this the same mind that was trying to kill you? It takes a big man to complement his attempted murder/space porn writer.

but she showed no signs on the outside.

You mean, she didn’t needlessly expose every thought, feeling, and emotion? That makes me angry.

Even when me and her would be alone in the room together she wouldn't try anything. It was weird.

I know! Whenever I’m in a room with a family member and they’re not in the process of fucking me…something is amiss. I blame Obama. WHERE’S MY CHANGE NOBAMA!?!?! Pfft. Commie.

It almost drove a wedge between me and my girlfriend,

Wait. Her doing nothing almost drove a wedge? Let’s make a note of this and safe this for later.**

but I was resolved to go on having a relationship with her,

Because…fuck it…right?

for Chuck and Lisa mostly.

Ah yes. How noble. This will in no way backfire years down the road when your drug addicted stepson finds out his common law step father has been spreading his seed all over the living room rug “for him”. Touching.

In truth I don't love my girlfriend

**Me thinks THIS might be the wedge…not your cousin not fucking you.

(it took much soul-searching to realize that) but she loves me and she is good for me.

And what she doesn’t know won’t kill her.

We have a good life together and I wasn't going to throw that away like garbage.

You have a good life…with the minor exception you don’t love her and still fuck your cousin.

So I have went through the motions.

What motions? Loveless sex? Must be real tough.

I don't think she can tell the difference.

Indeed. Not like a wedge was being driven between the two of you.

So much of human emotion is probably faked.

Did you just say:

It can be hard, heart-breaking at times…

I thought you did. Oh well.

How can anyone tell? They can't.

Yes. People can’t tell if they’re faking emotions…unless of course…they use their emotions.

My girlfriend is quite insensitive.
Sounds like you’re getting emotional. But how can you tell? You can’t.

She talks about her ex with my cousin sometimes. One time they were talking while I was behind some curtains looking for Chuck's belt and I heard my girlfriend saying she missed what her ex husband "could do in bed."

Ouch. That must’ve made the studio audience go “Ooooooooooh!” because they saw you behind the curtain. Or, your girlfriend AND cousin are not only retarded, but also blind and def…or this room you were all in is the side of Giant Stadium.

Grr.

Perhaps if you showed that “emotion” in the bedroom, she wouldn’t be going to her ex all the time for some real sex. What do you think Wildman?

But I was strangely calm.

Except for the growling. Or, perhaps your definition of “calm” is “I didn’t suplex them”. If that’s the case, super.

It's all meaningless.

Then you’ve just wasted my time. THAT MAKES ME ANGRY!

I have to tell myself I am above everyone else, that I am atune with the universe in a way my girlfriend does not understand...but my cousin might.

Here’s the wind up…

One day my girlfriend was out. My cousin was lying on the couch with her eyes closed, smiling serenely. Her shirt was so tight. I could not resist. I walked over and cupped her breasts in my hands. "They have grown," I said, which is true, though in truth she's just gained about ten pounds since we were last together. This is good because she was bordering on being too skinny.

AND THE PITCH! This was a smooth move though. I know when my mother/brother/grandmother/friend/random person waiting for the bus is near by…I let my “emotions” get the best of me and I molest them. Ha ha. Fun for everyone.

She opened her eyes and said "yes, they have. Touch them again and I'll rip your nuts off and tell everyone what you did to me."

And by “smooth move” I mean “epic fail”. Well done.

I was scared for a moment, but I know it's just her mind games. Her love games. She continues to play.

“Scared” is an “emotion” Also, I’m glad you know that she really means “touch me more” This will in no way cause you grief next season…when you’re sent to Sing Sing for exposing yourself to a class of 1st Graders.

Everything came to a head last weekend. My girlfriend took Chuck and Lisa away to visit her grandmother.

She said “grandmother” and you heard “Opportunity!”

She's really old (nearly 100 I think) and will probably be dead soon, so it was an important trip to make. I was left alone...with my cousin.

Either your dating a 55 year old woman whose children are at least 10 years older than you OR you have no idea what you’re talking about. But, since you’re atune with the universe, I’m guessing that your 30 year old girlfriend somehow has a 100 year old grandmother. Maybe her family doesn’t like all the fucking until menopause.

She took control right away. She wore that same tight shirt she'd worn the day I cupped her breasts.

Did you? Did you keep working your cousin’s nipples while your girlfriend who you don’t love was off tending to her grandmother who was born during the Grant Administration? You really are above everyone else. Teach me the ways of incest-rape. I want to be a GOD.

"I'm having friends over," she said. "You can stay if you want, but you probably won't understand what we're talking about."

Careful! It might be math!

Ha! As if.

So you…in all godly wisdom…know everything? Perhaps this is a side-effect of getting your wang washed by your cousin’s love water.

Of course I stayed.

Make sense. You can’t very well fuck your cousin if you’re not around her.

Her friends came.

Already?

Two guys, two girls.

And a pizza place! Ha ha…laughs for everyone!

I have to say, with the exception of Barry who has a beard they were all very VERY good looking. I was in awe for a moment. Even of Tom, and he's a guy and I don't normally even like guys...but wow.

“I don’t normaly even like guys [unless they’re attractive, then I’m enamored by them]. My spidey senses tell me that Batgirl’s older brother is going to make an appearance. Maybe in the extra-special season finale?

I had never met any of them before. I have no idea how my cousin met them. She has many secrets.

You should go through all her personally belongings and try and figure out how she met these Adonises. You have every right to know every little thing about your cousin. Wait…I thought she didn’t have any friends.

They talked about politics and music and science and stuff.

Pfft. Whatever.

Boring stuff.

I know! Why aren’t they talking about wrestling moves, bakeries, and imaginary European countries. These guys are a bunch of losers and deserve our ridicule and scorn.

I could have joined in if I wanted.

Or had you had any clue as to what they were talking about.

They got high too. I joined in with that.

That’s more up your alley than “discussing adult things” anyway.

I had fond memories of Matthew (my girlfriend banned me from seeing him because he's homeless)

Where would you see him at anyway? His box? You could always visit his frozen corpse. Homeless-cicles keep for a long time.

and even of Thames as I did.

Who? Oh…that supporting character from season 1?

Then they all started having sex right in front of me.

Ya know…like ya do…

I was pleased to see my cousin doing sex things with Tom and Barry as well as with the two girls (I can't remember their names to be honest.)

You don’t find it the slightest bit unusual that you remember the guys’ names but not the girls’?

I always knew she was bisexual not full lesbian.

No. You had no idea she was anything at all until you got that super-secret Christmas morning delivery.

I watched, then my cousin whispered something to them, then smiled and motion for me to join them.

Was it just a twisted mass of sweaty elbows and assholes at this point?

But when I went for my cousin she said no and pointed me to one of the other girls.

So…your first reaction when you see 3 vagina and 2 dicks is to go for the family member. Nice.

I did sex acts with her.

I think you learned about sex by watching Court TV.

Then my cousin tried to make me do sex things with Barry.

Court TV…or a phamplet on how to avoid getting groped at Boy Scout camp. “Sex things”?

If it had been Tom then MAYBE, as high as I was, I would have given him a blowjob or something mild like that, but Barry? No way, Jose!

Pfft! I know! If you’re going to suck some cock and change your sexual orientation…at least have some standards man!

When it was all over and I was sitting on the front porch looking at the stars my girlfriend came over to me.

Was Tom’s goo still on your chin?

She told me she owed me a debt of gratitude for opening her eyes about how the world really is.

I think you owe her an apology.

She said she's moved beyond me now and, in a way, I can see that she has.

Was it the fact she threatened to tell everyone about your relationship? Was that the clue that gave it all away?

I felt sad.

NEEDLESS EXPOSITION MAKES ME ANGRY!!!

But I think cheating on my girlfriend with my cousin and her friends is the first step into a larger world.

Yes. A world of being a horrible person.

She told me that she's part of a larger group.

Like a “League of Extra Horny Gentlemen”?

I was stoned and missed some of the details, but she made it sound like the Hellfire Club from X-Men.

Except without all the mutants, attractive people, and plots.

I want to be a part of it.

You do know that it doesn’t have all the mutants, attractive people, and plots.

But still, I want to protect Lisa and Chuck.

I think having gay/incest orgies in their living room while their visiting their dying great-Grandmother (born circa 1614) is the best way to go about doing this. Kudos.

I don't want them ending up like me, my cousin and indeed their mother. They are better than us.

Not if you raise them. They’ll end up just like you. I think you should leave everyone. Honestly…this is the best thing you can do for the children at this point.

We are dark creatures.

Like X-men?

Innocence ones lost can never be regained.

Whoops! Sounds like someone is feeling the emotion of regret! Stay tuned.

 

[Australis]

Squiggy, well done! Best laugh I've had all week!

Originally Posted by MadBaggins
I was stoned and missed some of the details, but she made it sound like the Hellfire Club from X-Men.

Except without all the mutants, attractive people, and plots.

Or, at a guess, spandex. Oh wait, wrestling...

 

[archeryguy1701]

See Squiggy? The rest of us can try to make up for your greatness, but ultimately, your point-by-point review is the only one that is funny all the way through! Well done!

 

[Squiggy]

It ain't easy. If all I'm getting in restitution is a free DVD...I'm going to be livid.

 

[Trekker4747]

So you…in all godly wisdom…know everything? Perhaps this is a side-effect of getting your wang washed by your cousin’s love water.

Squiggy, this is why we are happy.

You've a... "way" with words.

 

[Squiggy]

I bet it's sweet love water.