I'm dating an older woman!

[kimc]

Could this be foreshadowing the long-awaited return of the Stone Cold Stunner?

Either that or the season cliffhanger...

 

[pookha]

It was inappropriate and the language was foul

hm considering that promise didnt last very long i was wondering if you had some type of weird soap opera type amnesia.
one that wipes out selective parts of your memory so you are not at fault when you break promises or forget why things went the way they did in the past.

oh and you can also write in the other soap staple a judge for the custody hearing when you all tell the father to go away.
unless you can dream up some craziness on his part why he isnt fit to be near his kids.

of course fun time could be had if you both go in for a sanity hearing at the same time.

 

[Trekker4747]

Whenever MB wants to remember something he smears Vaseline all over his eyes.

 

[Squiggy]

I want to apologize deeply and sincerely for my last post in this thread.

Just your last post? You sure you don’t want to apologize for any(every)thing else?

It was inappropriate and the language was foul.

It’s sweeps month. We won’t fault ya. Although you have raised the bar to girls with big tits bouncing around in binkis for no reason in your next episode. You’ve gotta attract those 18-34 men with disposable income!

I should not have posted when drunk, and certainly not as drunk as I was then.

You also shouldn’t post while sober…meh.

I was so drunk I fell again but luckily didn't reinjure my leg...just my pride.

Just with your last post?

I'm so sorry. If my drunk post broke any of the terms and conditions of this website which I agreed to when I signed up here then I will accept whatever punishment TheSpaceman wants to hand out.

It involves spankings.

I hope no children read it.

Because children frequent the messageboard of a television show that hasn’t aired a new episode in 4 years.

Anyway, I won't bore you with all the details of the last week,

So the page of details you’re going to write after this declaration didn’t really happen?

but things have gone shitzo again.

Good thing you cleaned up that language…for the children.

My girlfriend and I were making a new start (for real this time, not that none of you will ever believe me)

Nope.

and it was all good and then he came back.

Santa? 23rd President of the United States Benjamin Harrison?

My girlfriend's ex.

NAILED IT!

Chuck and Lisa's so called father.

“So called”, “biological”…whatev.

Hasn't seen them or her for months and he just shows up.

Of all the unmitigated nerve! Doesn’t he know that just last week you didn’t love your girlfriend and were getting blown by strangers as your cousin jerked you off? Who does he think he is?

And get this: he tells my girlfriend he wants to get back with her and be a proper father to his children.

Well, since your girlfriend DID go back and fuck him while the two of you were dating AND that whole “I might be gay orgy” in the living room AND the sexual assault of your cousin, I sorta thought you had an open relationship. I guess not even Adama can fix this mess 

He says this RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE AS THOUGH I'M NOTHING.

You’re the guy fucking the mother of his children. Bring this up as much as possible.

And my girlfriend right away told him to "FUCK OFF, SHITBRAINS" (or something like that)

Good thing you cleaned up that language, for the children. Certainly wouldn’t want any of them to read what you just typed.

but I could tell in her eyes, in her heart, that she was considering it.

Since you’re such a great reader of people.

She was fucking considering it.

And she was considering fucking it, for the children.

I felt so sick I thought I was going to vomit but I didn't.

NEEDLESS EXPOSITION MAKES SQUIGGY ANGRY!!!

It was just that EVERYTHING seemed right, I thought I had it figured out and AGAIN something beyond my control comes and ruins it all.

It doesn’t take much for you to be lulled into a false sense of security.

Even my cousin could tell how upset I was about it and gave me a hug.

Oh yeah!

And no, nothing sexual happened. But she did say "see, I told you.

Aww.

They're all like this, no matter how they appear" and I knew she was right.

How often is she right?

She's always right.

Except when she’s crazy. But you should trust your crazy cousin. She’ll never lead you down a dark path of hobo orgies. Do what the voices tell you!

I got so drunk I couldn't see then I posted this then fell over.

Just “fell”?

Then my girlfriend came home and yelled at me and kicked my bad leg.

You truly were meant to be together!

I don't blame her, I shouldn't have gotten so drunk.

Yes. Its your fault.

But what now?

Ask her if she smells “like that douche ex”. That’ll go over great and then you can watch BSG again like nothing at all is wrong because if anything…acting like nothing is wrong is the best way to fix a relationship. Also, do whatever your cousin tells you.

He's still hanging around.

So…it’s you, girlfriend, ALICIA OMG FACEBOOK, and girlfriend’s ex? That must make for a very awkward yet comical gathering around the dinner table.

He's staying with a friend nearby.

Recon!

What should I do?

I’m just going to type about my commute this morning because no matter what I type you’re going to do the most inappropriate thing one can do in that situation.

It was a good morning! Since I moved to Arlington my commute has been cut in half and this morning the weather was great. It was 52, brisk, but not to warm nor cold. I didn’t even wear a jacket. So I strolled up the hill to the Metro station and there was a train right there waiting for me. No delays on the rail and I was at work only 30 minutes after I locked my door. A new day for Squiggy!

I'm thinking of going to see him and telling him MAN TO MAN that I want to be the man for my girlfriend, that I want to be the proper father that Chuck and Lisa need and telling him to GET THE F OUT. Should I?

Yes. No way this will end up badly. I eagerly await your next post from the hospital/prison/the prison hospital/exile in an imaginary nation because you're on the run from the law because your expert stunner killed Girlfriend's ex (who we'll name Steve).

 

[MadBaggins]

Well I went to see her ex yesterday. I just had to lay my cards down on the table and show them face up so he could see what my cards were. It was the only thing I could do. He's staying with a friend near here so I just went over. He knows who I am anyway. His friend is black so naturally I was reminded of Thames and my friendship with him. I miss him so much sometimes. Time was Thames would have had my back in a situation like this, but today I went into the belly of the beast all on my own.

The ex's friend was a bit jumpy and stand-offish and aggressive when I first got there, not listening to what I had to say or wanting to let me in, which I didn't like. I almost started rolling my sleeves up at one point, but then the ex came out and recognized me and it was okay. I was quite impressed by how he handled me showing up, to be honest.

Anyway, here is the abbreviated transcript of our conversation. Obviously I'm parrot-phrasing here a bit because I can't remember EVERYTHING EXACTLY and I'm summarising and cutting down and missing out the unreleated parts like when we talked about Lost (he thinks the island is on a spaceship. WTF? Does he even watch?) but you get the general gist of it!

Me: Hello EX (not his name obviously.)
Ex: Hello MADBAGGINS (not my name obviously.)
Me: Look I love your ex-wife very much and I care for Chuck and Lisa like they were my own.
Ex: I have no doubt of that.
Me: Then leave us alone!
Ex: No.
Me: No? What?
Ex: Imagine it was the other way around, MadBaggins.
Me: I can't do that!
Ex: You don't have to imagine, MadBaggins, it was the other way around. We were still married when you entered the picture.
Me: No, that's not true! (I know it was true, I just forgot.)
Ex: Yes it's true. Maybe you and her didn't do anything sexy together until long after I had left, but she was still my wife. STILL MY WIFE.
Me: I never thought about it like that. That is an interesting spin on things.
Ex: Right, exactly. We were together in a way but that didn't stop you moving in on her and moving in with her. Why? Because you loved her. As I do.
Me: BUT YOU WERE GONE FOR MONTHS.
Ex: I was getting my head straight. Kicking my habbit of cocaine.
Me: You had a habbit of cocaine? She did not tell me!
Ex: I'm surprised.
Me: Wow. But if you are a cocaine-head then you shouldn't be around Chuck and Lisa.
Ex: I'm not anymore. I haven't done cocaine for 108 days.
Me: Hehe.
Ex: What?
Me: 108, like in Lost...
(This was when we started talking about Lost, I'll cut it out.)
Ex: ...don't understand the point of that character if they were just going to kill her off anyway. But so...I'm not going to stop trying to get my wife back.
Me: I think I understand you now. You're not trying to cause problems. You genuinely love her and care about Chuck and Lisa.
Ex: I wonder if you'll do the right thing.
Me: WHAT WOULD THAT BE?
Ex: I wonder if you'll step aside, MadBaggins. You seem like a good guy. Those kids need a father.
Me: They have me.
Ex: It's not the same.
Me: I took Chuck out at Halloween. I helped Lisa write a Buffy fan-fic. I've been a father to those kids.
Ex: Please, I'm asking you, man to man...
(He put his arm on me at this point and I mistook it for aggression and threw it off.)
Me: GET OUT OF MY FACE.
Ex: If that's that way it has to be, it's how it will be.
Me: Goodbye.

(I left.)

So that's how it has to be. He is a good man, perhaps a great man for the way he kicked his cocaine habbit, but, ultimately, I love her more. And I love those kids more. I respect him and it'll be a noble contest, but I will fight him at every turn. I'm not losing what I have here, not now that it's so perfect. I'm not giving up on love.

 

[Guartho]

Boo... hiss... The audience demands girl-girl-guy threesome, not guy-guy-girl.

 

[Trekker4747]

Did this show just turn into an after school special?

What is this? 21 MadBaggins Street?

 

[SinglePurpose]

Crap, the MadBaggins character writes dialogue that's more stilted than the MadBaggins writer.

 

[Squiggy]

Well I went to see her ex yesterday. I just had to lay my cards down on the table and show them face up so he could see what my cards were.

I do not understand you analogy. Could you please beat it into the ground a little bit more?

It was the only thing I could do.

No. You could have also not gone.

He's staying with a friend near here so I just went over.

You’ve stated that before. We’ve got the backstory.

He knows who I am anyway.

Yes, you’re the guy fucking the mother of his children. I’m sure he knows more about you than you’d like. (He’s going to beat you in the middle of the night!)

His friend is black so naturally I was reminded of Thames and my friendship with him.

Naturally. I mean, how many black people are there anyway. I remember this black guy I knew.

I thought of Cuba Gooding Jr. every time I saw him. They weren’t at all alike in any way…but they’re both black and my mind can’t grasp simple concepts.

I miss him so much sometimes. Time was Thames would have had my back in a situation like this, but today I went into the belly of the beast all on my own.

Blah blah. Get off this sentimental flashback bullshit. Thames is dead in a ditch. Move on.

The ex's friend was a bit jumpy and stand-offish and aggressive when I first got there, not listening to what I had to say or wanting to let me in, which I didn't like.

Boy…if only you had Thames (who is dead in a ditch). Too bad. He would’ve had your back and you could’ve kicked his ass! No repercussions!

I almost started rolling my sleeves up at one point,

But you didn’t, because your only friend is no longer with us. RIP Thames (pronounced Tims…like the river in England…apparently people actually name their children this in America. Who knew? I mean…Madbaggins only talks about American TV shows so he must be American. You’d have to be a idiot to ignore to overwhelming evidence that he is actually British.)

but then the ex came out and recognized me and it was okay.

Whew! That was a close one!

I was quite impressed by how he handled me showing up, to be honest.

How…by showing up? That’s all it takes to impress you? Show up and not punch you in your face?

Anyway, here is the abbreviated transcript of our conversation.

If by “abbreviated” you mean “Filled with more clichés than WWE Smackdown’s ‘backstage’ action” and by “transcript” you mean “I made this up” then I agree with you.

Obviously I'm parrot-phrasing here

Baggins. We’ve talked about this.

a bit because I can't remember EVERYTHING EXACTLY

THE WOMEN!

and I'm summarising and cutting down and missing out the unreleated parts like when we talked about Lost

1. You spelled “summarising” in the British fashion.
2. NO! Don’t leave out Lost! It might be a confusing overhyped mess of a show with no end in sight but still…compared to this…?

(he thinks the island is on a spaceship. WTF? Does he even watch?)

It probably is.

but you get the general gist of it!

No. We don’t.

Me: Hello EX (not his name obviously.)

Good thing you changed it. We might all hop on MySpace or Facebook and find out all his information.

Ex: Hello MADBAGGINS (not my name obviously.)

NO! Everything I know is wrong!

Me: Look I love your ex-wife very much and I care for Chuck and Lisa like they were my own.

Since you fuck family members, it’s probably not a good idea to treat them like relatives. Wait…I just thought of something. Do you have any healthy relationships with other humans?

Ex: I have no doubt of that.

I can imagine he was just standing there wearing a white t-shirt…stretched taught across his ripped pecs, smoking a cig (you may call it a “fag”).

Me: Then leave us alone!

Woah there Mr. Fly off the handle!

Ex: No

Oh snap!

.Me: No? What?

I’m glad you abbreviated the conversation and left out all the needless banter. This exchange is key.

Ex: Imagine it was the other way around, MadBaggins.

Oh, like her fucking you with a strap on?

Me: I can't do that!

It bottles the mind!

Ex: You don't have to imagine, MadBaggins, it was the other way around. We were still married when you entered the picture.

Oh snap!

Me: No, that's not true! (I know it was true, I just forgot.)

Did you also forget how she went back to him like…a month ago?

Ex: Yes it's true. Maybe you and her didn't do anything sexy together until long after I had left, but she was still my wife. STILL MY WIFE.

So he also speaks like an autistic 15 year old?

Me: I never thought about it like that. That is an interesting spin on things.

Weren’t you just screaming at him like 10 seconds before this? You need better meds.

Ex: Right, exactly. We were together in a way but that didn't stop you moving in on her and moving in with her. Why? Because you loved her. As I do.

I see nothing but good things in your future.

Me: BUT YOU WERE GONE FOR MONTHS.

Again with the yelling. You’re not too good at this whole “conversing” thing.

Ex: I was getting my head straight. Kicking my habbit of cocaine.

You spelled habbit an awful lot like “hobbit”, which leads me to believe that you’re an literary character.

Me: You had a habbit of cocaine? She did not tell me!

NEEDLESS EXPOSITION AND LACK OF CONTRACTIONS MAKES ME ANGRY!

Ex: I'm surprised.

Me: Wow. But if you are a cocaine-head then you shouldn't be around Chuck and Lisa.

Ex: I'm not anymore. I haven't done cocaine for 108 days.

Time to work on your timeline.
You started this thread on October 19, 2008. 116 days ago. You also said in that first post

She moved into our neighborhood about nine months ago with her kids and their father, her husband. But he was only there for about three weeks and left after a series of rows.

Meaning he left sometime in early to mid February, 2008. So…about a year ago. You’ve got a back story about 257 days long to develop and I’m not going to lie…I don’t think you have it in ya because I find it all awfully coincidental that he kicked coke one week before you started this season.

Me: Hehe.

Again, thanks for the abbreviation.

Ex: What?

This too. I don’t think you know what the verb “to abbreviate” means.

Me: 108, like in Lost...

Conspiracy!

(This was when we started talking about Lost, I'll cut it out.)

I’m telling ya, that’s a mistake!

Ex: ...don't understand the point of that character if they were just going to kill her off anyway. But so...I'm not going to stop trying to get my wife back.

Dear sweet Lord. People don’t actually talk like that. “Yada yada yada tv show bullshit. Oh yeah, I’m going to destroy you.”

Me: I think I understand you now. You're not trying to cause problems. You genuinely love her and care about Chuck and Lisa.

People also don’t react to “I’m going to destroy you” this way.

Ex: I wonder if you'll do the right thing.

Fuck your aunt? Whatever happened to her by the way?

Me: WHAT WOULD THAT BE?

MORE WOMEN!

Ex: I wonder if you'll step aside, MadBaggins. You seem like a good guy. Those kids need a father.

So, even though he says he understand that you love her and them (this week), he still expects you to step aside? His comprehension of human emotions is up there with yours. I say you two should fuck.

Me: They have me.

And your cousin.

Ex: It's not the same.

I’m actually leaning towards the derelict cokehead at this point.

Me: I took Chuck out at Halloween. I helped Lisa write a Buffy fan-fic. I've been a father to those kids.

You also felt up your cousin and had an orgy with her and some strangers in their living room…you should’ve told him that.

Ex: Please, I'm asking you, man to man...
(He put his arm on me at this point and I mistook it for aggression and threw it off.)

You mistake a lot of things for other things. How you’ve continued function and not mistaken a rhino for a parking meter is beyond me.

Me: GET OUT OF MY FACE.

STONE COLD STUNNER HIS PUNK ASS!

Ex: If that's that way it has to be, it's how it will be.

Aww. You pussed out.

Me: Goodbye.

(I left.)

As that’s what normally happens after one says goodbye. Thanks for filling us in.

So that's how it has to be.

A DUEL!

He is a good man,

With the exception of walking out on his family and the drug addiction.

perhaps a great man for the way he kicked his cocaine habbit,

God.

but, ultimately, I love her more.

This week.

And I love those kids more.

Oh yeah.

I respect him and it'll be a noble contest,

Like, knights and shit?

but I will fight him at every turn.

OOH! IT WILL BE LIKE KNIGHTS!!!

I'm not losing what I have here, not now that it's so perfect.

This week. Next week everything will be awful and you’ll be telling us how you fucked an orange.

I'm not giving up on love.

Again.

 

[Mallory]

This episode was a real let-down.

 

[Trekker4747]

Squiggy, the DVD people are pleased.

 

[Noname Given]

I HATE dialogue ridden soap operas. This season has definitely taken a turn for the worse. Where's the threesome and the fake guilt, etc.???

 

[archeryguy1701]

Well I went to see her ex yesterday. I just had to lay my cards down on the table and show them face up so he could see what my cards were.

See? The internets say no, MB says yes. It's just how the universe spins!

His friend is black so naturally I was reminded of Thames and my friendship with him.

Wait, Thames was black? When did this happen?!?

The ex's friend was a bit jumpy and stand-offish and aggressive when I first got there, not listening to what I had to say or wanting to let me in, which I didn't like.

Context as to why he was getting jumpy would be helpful in determining if he was paranoid or if you provoked. I say it's B.

I almost started rolling my sleeves up at one point, but then the ex came out and recognized me and it was okay.

Ooh, tough guy MB!!!

Obviously I'm parrot-phrasing here

It wasn't parrot-phrasing last season, and it still isn't parrot-phrasing.

<snip>

I got rid of all of that because the dialogue was more painful than anything Lucas put into the Star Wars prequel trilogy. I cried when I read that. They weren't good tears either. Fire your line writer.

So that's how it has to be. He is a good man, perhaps a great man for the way he kicked his cocaine habbit,

Great men do great things. Ex did nothing but stopped killing himself.

but, ultimately, I love her more.

Do you love her more than love? Because that's vital to any failed relationships. Wasn't it just a week ago where you said you weren't in love? And wasn't it a week ago where the latest episode of nuBSG rekindled that love? Wasn't it also a week ago where we had to remind you that watching any of the latest nuBSG is not warm, fuzzy, love-rekindling stuff? And lets not forget two weeks ago when you got it on with your cousin, a strange woman, and two guys. I give you one more week tops before you fall back out of love.

And I love those kids more.

Since your definition of love consists of your junk being inside of someone else, I think Chris Hansen needs to come have a chat with you....

I'm not giving up on love.

You will. You always do. And it helps when you're not really in love from week to week. You haven't a chance.

 

[Australis]

He had a cocaine habbit?

Brings a whole new meaning to "My preshussssss..."

"The Habbit", coming soon, prequel to "The Lord of the Spoons".

I was sure there was going to be a Stone Cold Stunner...

Agfree with the consensus, you need a new writer.

Squig's and archeryguy's DVD commentary - pure gold. Most worthwhile thing in the thread.

 

[Jono]

His friend is black so naturally I was reminded of Thames and my friendship with him.

Wait, Thames was black? When did this happen?!?

I remember back before Thames ended up in gaol another poster said Thames was black but that was just how he imagined the guy. I can't remember MB saying he was, but I've forgotten more about MB's tales then I would ever care to admit I knew.

 

[kimc]

I think this series has officially jumped the shark.

 

[archeryguy1701]

Squig's and archeryguy's DVD commentary - pure gold. Most worthwhile thing in the thread.

I'm flattered, I really am. But my commentary not worthy of even being mentioned in the same page as Squiggy's- I'm not worthy!!

 

[Jeri]

This thread is so old, I'm not even sure if I posted in it yet.

But my husband married an older woman; we met when he was 21, and I was 34. We've been together 20 years now. Here is a picture of me when I was 34 (1980's); I'm a dumpy, midwestern housefrau now. I got my man; what do I care.

Click.

 

[archeryguy1701]

^I'll take it you only read the OP, huh?

 

[Mallory]

I think this series has officially jumped the shark.

The script writing has definitely become uneven, but I still hold out hope for a blockbuster episode or two.