I need to run this by some people...

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Not a damn thing, really. Although, I've noticed I seem to be attracted to women who are extremely emotionally unstable. I seem to be moving away from that type, but I've been wrong about that before.

Not to make you paranoid but speaking from experience you might just be filtering out the overt ones and the subtle ones are still ringing your bells for whatever psychological reasons they do.

When I ask someone out, what I'm saying is "I like you, and dating seems like a fun idea. What do you think?" but what they seem to hear is "I'm into you, I want you, and I will not give up until I have you." It's kind of understandable, as a lot of men are like that, but it puts a stop to friendship developing. Although, if a woman is determined to make assumptions about me and not listen to anything I have to say that goes against those assumptions, there's really not much I can do.

I put that down to age, people become more pragmatic and willing to compartmentalize and negotiate as they get older. But it's true that once you're burned by a "friend" who can't stop pursuing you or making you uncomfortable by trying to change the parameters of the relationship every few months it makes a person very wary. It's easy to assume that it will always go down that way.

 

[Gaith]

The incident in high school, as well as others, while they were terrible at the time, they were experiences that I learned from. Because of them, I'm really good at dealing with bullshit. At this point, there's pretty much nothing someone I'm "dating" can throw at me that I can't handle.

You really think you know what's out there... ?
​

I dig the enthusiasm conveyed in your prose, hombre, but statements like the one above give me pause. The wise man is aware of how little he knows. Women are one of the great mysteries of the universe. Approach with confidence, aye, but hubris, not so much.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Women are one of the great mysteries of the universe.

To you?

 

[Gaith]

Women are one of the great mysteries of the universe.

To you?

​

(Doc Brown felt the same way)

 

[Kommander]

Not to make you paranoid but speaking from experience you might just be filtering out the overt ones and the subtle ones are still ringing your bells for whatever psychological reasons they do.

This is definitely true. It's why I tend to worry when things are going well. I always wonder if I'm overlooking something.

I put that down to age, people become more pragmatic and willing to compartmentalize and negotiate as they get older. But it's true that once you're burned by a "friend" who can't stop pursuing you or making you uncomfortable by trying to change the parameters of the relationship every few months it makes a person very wary. It's easy to assume that it will always go down that way.

Age is a factor, but not the only one. The last woman that did this was 30 (I'm 28, if that matters.) She was in one of my classes last semester. We started talking a bit, and then I spontaneously remembered that I went to high school with her, and then we started talking a lot. I liked her, she liked me, I wanted to ask her out, but was hesitant because everything I've said in this thread so far. I finally did on the last day of class. She was really happy about it, it was probably the best reaction I've gotten when asking someone out. However, she needed to find a baby sitter, so she asked me to call her the next day to finalize our plans and then, she never returned my calls.

I know what happened. She had recently gotten out of the Navy and was adjusting to civilian life. She had also recently divorced a man she described as "a total douchebag." Because of this, she just didn't want to be dating anyone at that time. It would have been nice had she told me that, but instead she decided to assume that I'm not a reasonable person and that ignoring me was easier.

I dig the enthusiasm conveyed in your prose, hombre, but statements like the one above give me pause. The wise man is aware of how little he knows. Women are one of the great mysteries of the universe. Approach with confidence, aye, but hubris, not so much.

I probably meant that differently than you interpreted it. I meant it more like if a conflict or problem comes up, there's very little that would make me completely freak out and be unable to act. I didn't mean that I can solve every problem or that everything is easy and effortless. There are also some bad situations I haven't encountered yet. For example, no one I've dated has tried to murder me. If that ever comes up I'd imagine it won't be very fun. However, it would not surprise me.

Women are one of the great mysteries of the universe.

To you?

The differences between men and women are greatly exaggerated. Other humans are often a great mystery, but very little of it is related to sex or gender.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Women are one of the great mysteries of the universe.

To you?

(Doc Brown felt the same way)

As did Captain Kirk but it had no effect on his score card.

 

[An Officer]

People act a certain way and do certain things when they're attracted to someone, and act differently when they are not. I've become very good at spotting these behaviours. She's displayed all of them. Because I'm aware of what these behaviours are, I tend to suppress them unless I catch myself doing it and consciously prevent the suppression. Even when people don't know to look for these behaviours, they still pick up on them.

This, I have to hear more about, in detail!
It would be really interesting from the perspective of someone who's been looking in to human sexuality quite seriously....

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

"I may be new to individuality, but I'm not ignorant of human behavior. I've noticed your attempts to engage me in idle conversation. And I see the way your pupils dilate when you look at my body."

Even the Borg can tell.

 

[An Officer]

Are you trying to engage me in idle conversation? Haha!

The Borg have superior senses, they are not to be be spoken of triflingly.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I am looking into your avatar's eyes but that's to be expected.

 

[An Officer]

Where many women have gone before... and we all know how that ends...

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

With.. dilation?

 

[An Officer]

After a fashion... but really, this far and no further!

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

He assimilates entire women!

 

[Kommander]

This, I have to hear more about, in detail!
It would be really interesting from the perspective of someone who's been looking in to human sexuality quite seriously....

Pretty much this:

"I may be new to individuality, but I'm not ignorant of human behavior. I've noticed your attempts to engage me in idle conversation. And I see the way your pupils dilate when you look at my body."

Even the Borg can tell.

Although, actually saying that line, while it would totally work on me, most would probably find it awkward and off-putting.

This article is mostly accurate, but doesn't include everything. Most of the other stuff I got from a quick Google search are "Guys, increase your game!" and "How to tell if that guy you like is into you" articles that are either mostly bullshit or misapplying the research. One of the big ones not mentioned in that article is touch. With heterosexuals, when there's some mutual attraction going on, the woman will usually touch the man. Brushing a piece of lint off his sleeve, grabbing his forearm while laughing excessively at one of his lame jokes, touching his hand when saying something sincere, that sort of thing. If a man does this sort of thing to a woman before she does it to him, it usually comes off as very awkward. Gay people do this too, but being the same sex either one of them can do it without making things awkward.

Although, it's difficult to apply this stuff to non-research purposes, like those 'improve your game" articles. These things could have other reasons for occurring that people dismiss. Looking for these things in someone that one is attracted to almost always leads to people seeing what they want to see; they notice one thing that fits the behavior and then assume the person is interested in them. I look for these things, but I don't make positive assumptions based purely on them. The touch thing is probably the primary thing I look for, as it seems to be the most consistent. However, I don't assume a woman is interested in me if she touches me, rather, I assume she's not interested unless she touches me. When it does happen, I look for other reasons. Like, if a woman trips near me and grabs my forearm, it probably means she just didn't want to fall on her ass.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

The voice thing has always interested me. I've long been aware that women raise the pitch of their voice when talking about men they like. I've annoyed a few friends over the years by bluntly calling them on their attraction to a guy they are telling me a boring story about. It's all very obvious within a couple sentences but you quickly develop a reputation as a mind reader if you do it too often. As to why I call them on it, it's a combination of innate trolling and getting immediately to the point so I don't have to play the role of the mirror person that reflects their conversation back to them as a way of affirming the attraction.

But what I have had difficulty understanding is when men do this, raise their voice pitch in a sweet and fake kind of way to talk to women. I get the impression they do it to seem like a nice guy, to seem sensitive. It's a huge red flag to me. If I hear any guy putting on that voice I don't trust them at all.

 

[Kestra]

I came back to follow-up in this thread but I'm completely lost now. So just want to say, good luck if you do pursue this girl!

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I think we're hip deep in the nitty gritty gears of Kommander asking this girl to have coffee. Our palms are sweaty and the smell of oil is in the air.

 

[FPAlpha]

Just ask her out for a drink/coffee or if you're feeling bold ask her out for dinner.

Try not to come off as sleazy, be respectful and if she says she'd rather not accept it and remain friends.

It really is that easy and it's even easier because you know each other and you don't have to pick up a total stranger. You be amazed how good it feels when you have jumped over yourself in that regard.. no matter the outcome.

Well, yeah, if you want to be all reasonable and level-headed about things.

Well.. don't knock it till you've tried it. I thought similar like you until i got over myself and went for it.. sometimes you strike out and sometimes you don't.

As i said you are halfway there.. there already is sympathy between you so getting a rude turndown is highly unlikely.

If that's you in your avatar i'd say you are also not ugly or repulsive (might think about a new hairstyle though but that's just personal opinion).

All the thinking and research and whatnot you do will not solve your problem.. in this case Nike had it down best when they said "Just do it".

Good luck.

 

[RJDiogenes]

The differences between men and women are greatly exaggerated. Other humans are often a great mystery, but very little of it is related to sex or gender.

This is exactly right. Women are no mystery-- they are individuals. That's one reason your story was such a great idea, whether it ultimately works or not.