Just divorced her husband? That's one red flag... So far, this reeks of a Rebound thing.
Yeah, I was thinking rebound as well. I was looking at her as more of someone to go out with from time to time. I doubt it would develop into something super serious.
So here's the deal, she's 34 with a 19 year old son...
That's two red flags... You may not be paying any of that kid's bills but, it's still something that would concern me.[/quote]
Her son has full scholarships for school and has a job to pay his way. She loves him to death and can't believe he's all grown, but yet she understands that he needs to start making his own way in life and doesn't coddle him in this aspect. She discussed with me how he and three friends were talking about moving into a house together and she knew he was setting himself up to fail, and to her credit she stated it would have to be a hard lesson for him to learn.
And no, this son is not from her marriage. From what I know, the boy's actual dad has had nothing to do with him his entire life.
At this point, I'd be polite but direct and ask her about her intentions. "What is it that you want from me?" is the question I'd ask, in the most polite and emotionally sensitive way possible. Feel free to ad-lib.
Be prepared for anything, John. This is a situation where I would consider a CCW and a concealed .45 to be
very useful. Of course, I have trust issues and have dealt with more than a few crazy women over the years...
Believe you me, I have trust issues that stem mainly from my ex-wife (aka Psycho-Bitch). The last woman I dated wanted to marry me really, really badly. I chalked it up to her being young, starry eyed, and not wanting to be left out (most all of her college friends were all married). That made me really nervous for many reasons and I ended up dumping her, which even today I have my doubts over because we got along so well (hell, I really liked her parents who were nicer to me than my own parents ever were).
A female friend of mine told me that this woman has been testing the waters with her e-mails (by telling me to have a good day and all that) about having a relationship with me.
(Guy here)
I would have no idea why anyone would come to such a conclusion, although I have found that friends tend to try and find "signs and signals" in such behaviors because they want the object of their friends' interest to be interested in their friend.
I've personally come to the conclusion that women do not send mixed signals. It's a myth. Most "mixed signals" are women just being friendly. Nothing more.
No, my friend isn't trying to tell me what I want to hear. I prefer brutal honesty than sugar coated disappointment. She's really confused. I just think it's odd that I would get these e-mail about hoping I have a good day and all that from someone being friendly.
Hang on. This woman is less than a year out of a relationship with an emotionally abusive husband? You say her kid is 19 - is he the husband's kid? Was the marriage of that long a duration.
My advice is give the woman some more time to heal.
The MO of emotional abuse is to start by undermining the other person's self-confidence and destroying their sense of self-worth. They make their partner dependent upon them by teaching them that they are useless, incompetent, stupid, ugly etc and just lucky to have somebody as selfless as the abuser to put up with them.
Your friend obviously had the strength to recognise this in the end and get the hell out, but it takes time to rebuild the confidence that an abusive relationship has broken down.
I don't know this woman, so I can't claim to know what's going through her head. However, it's possible from what you tell us here that she like you (the emails and that), but that she's wary of the emotional dependency thar comes with a relationship.
If you care about her, be patient and supportive of the fact that she's been through hell and it takes time to recouperate from that. You say repeatedly in the first paragraph that you understood what she was going through, but do you? I don't mean to pry into whether you've been in an abusive relationship yourself - that's none of my business - but until you've actually been in somebody's shoes you can't actually know exactly what they're dealing with.
If you like each other, care about each other, have fun together and all the other things that make any relationship good, then I don't see why you shouldn't be good for each other. But it has to be on her timeline. If you try to push a person who's still working on rebuilding their own emotional strength into a relationship before their ready it's going to be a disaster.
It's also worth remembering that people who have been in an abusive relationship may have a harder time saying 'no' to others. They've been habituated to cede to the abuser's wishes rather than risk further harm, and often have a hard time learning to assert their own desires again. If she says yes to a date, but then is reluctant to actually commit, it could be that saying 'yes' was more about pleasing you, and that for herself she actually didn't want to make the trip after her night out with her friend. (Again, obviously, since I don't know your friend at all, this is pure speculation based on what some escapees of abusive relationships go through.)
Very well put and see my comments above about her son. As far as the abuse angle, see my above as well. She, like myself when I was dealing with a mentally abusive spouse, had to come to terms with it before she finally "pulled the ripcord". The difference was that I understood completely everything she had been through, how she was feeling, and what an emotional roller coaster ride it was, whereas everyone else kept asking questions regarding "what", "why", "where", and "how come" regarding her husband and trying to wrap logic around the whole situation. Sane people cannot comprehend the actions and motives around an abusive relationship until they've actually endured one.
I figured patience was the key and that with some time, maybe I could take her out a few times. I've already been kicking myself for not asking if she wanted to go with me to a Roman art exhibit that recently came to the art museum. By attending that exhibit, I received credit for a one of three papers I needed to write for Humanities class. She would have appreciated it, and I could have "shown off" as I studied Latin for 4 years in high school and I know a bit about the culture.
I'll keep my options open for the future. Again, I will stress that I understand she's on the rebound, but then "rebound" is a bit BS, because we're always rebounding from an ended relationship when dating, correct? My thoughts are that we could go out and enjoy activities like two adults. I'm not looking for a roll in the sack. Going out together may hekp both of us emotionally.
Thanks for the feedback.
If you can, listen to his program or else his pod casts for a week. Like you, all of my main bills are paid the first two weeks of the month. I'm "house poor", but once I sell my current house for something more reasonable, I'll be sitting pretty.
