Long story short, a female acquaintance separated left her emotionally abusive husband around January of this year. I learned of it about two months later on a chance telephone call to her when I was looking for him (his cell phone was disconnected and I wanted to return an engine hoist to him). We talked for about two hours where I was able to assure her I understand what she had endured as 1) the guy has the maturity of a 14 year old, 2) he has trouble holding a job as he's always getting hurt. A lot of people think he's "Oh so funny" because he always pops off with smart-ass comments about anyone and everyone that are actually very inappropriate and hurtful. He treated her like this in front of "the group" for a long time, and I caught on quick by watching her reaction many of the times the group congregated. It's the typical spouse is an asshole Catch-22 scenario. Anyway, since I've been through what she had been through, I was able to empathize with her in many ways. I was basically a lifeline for her, because no one could understand her situation, whereas I could. That gave her a much needed level of sanity. I also gave her a book that I bought when I was enduring my divorce that aids the reader in dealing with the emotional turmoil that accompanies the end of a relationship. She's very intelligent and burned through the book in a matter of days and reported back to me that it helped her very much. As time went by, she started e-mailing me with very simple messages: "Hope you are well and have a good day!!!" Every once in a while, we'd e-mail for a while as she is a Pharmacy Technician and surfs when there isn't much going on. These sporadic, random e-mails go on for a while and she would also vent to me issues about the divorce and I would keep her grounded (she's a fiery red head ) Summer comes a long and she forced his hand to sign the divorce papers. She's free and clear of him and I invited her to come by my place on a Saturday to chat. Well, she comes by around 1:30 and we end up chatting, drinking beer, and chatting until 2:00AM I e-mailed her the following Monday apologizing for keeping her there so late, and she (lightly) chastises me saying not to worry and that she had a good time as well. So here's the deal, she's 34 with a 19 year old son who is smart as a whip. He's in college and she's starting fresh and can live her life not being smothered, like she was with her ex. She's teaching an occasional Pharmacy related course as well as taking extra classes to further herself in her field. I like that about her. She's smart. A female friend of mine told me that this woman has been testing the waters with her e-mails (by telling me to have a good day and all that) about having a relationship with me. OK, I can deal with that, but her modus operandi is a bit strange to me. A couple of weeks ago, the brakes went out in my truck and I needed a ride to town. Luckily, she had the day off as well and gave me a ride to town. She stated that she'd come out the following day to help me bleed the brakes, but for some reason never appeared. I called her in the morning and she stated she would be at my place in an hour or so, but nada. I called a few hours later and ended up leaving a voicemail. I never heard back from her all weekend, but yet a few days later, another "Have a good day" e-mail. My female friend is perplexed by what's going on, so I'm wondering if any women-folk here could shed some light. I'm debating on being more direct with her, but am not sure if I want to proceed that way.
Sounds mysterious what made her not appear when she promised to. Ask her about that, at least. Maybe she had a problem. But she didn't apologize, did she? Very strange. It sounds a bit to me like she's leading you on. Although I would have agreed with your friend. Give it a little time. Maybe she can't make up her mind.
Well, I'm not a womerns, but I'll throw my 2 cents at you. If someone says they're coming over and don't, common courtesy says to call, even if they decided they don't like you and you're not worth the effort of draining brakes. If they passed out drunk and didn't come to for 24 hours, common courtesy says they call you and apologise, not wait for you to call them. This goes whether they are lovers, potential lovers, mildly interested, not interested, friends, casual aquaintances, close relatives, distant relatives, co-workers, ex-coworkers, you name it, they should call you. If she wants your attention, she can call you, make a date, and make the effort to show up. If she doesn't do that, don't put any effort into figuring her out. You've been decent, she stood you up. I'm not saying don't give her a chance, just leave it up to her to ask for one.
I'm very curious to hear the input on this one. I've had some problems with mixed signals lately myself.
I forgot to add that the night before I needed her to help finish the brakes, a longtime friend was in town from overseas and they were up drinking until 5am. I had called at 8:30AM when she said it would be fine. She said once she was up, she's up, but yes, she didn't come over. I'm thinking she can't make up her mind, sort of like sticking one's toe in the swimming pool, pulling away, and repeating.
So maybe she was just too wasted, her intentions being good but her strengths betraying her. And she might be ashamed to mention the whole thing. Maybe she was so wasted she doesn't remember promising to come over!
The way to resolve mixed signals is to ask. Either she says she's interested or she's not. Maybe she hasn't decided herself yet. Are you interested? Say so.
Hey, my comment about passed out drunk was actually psychic or something. Intuitive. Wise. Effervescent. Flourescent. If someone is rude and undependable during the ritual mating phase, they will be worse when they're able to take you for granted.
No kidding *geez* I can't even follow my own advice, which is what I would tell someone else. The problem is that I'm trying to tread carefully without scaring her off. I like her as a friend and acquaintance and don't want to make her angry and then she won't have anything to do with me.
*ding!* Plus, fixing your brakes in not a fun date (fixing my brakes, however, is). Ask her out on a real date. Be clear that you know what she's been through, and you want to take it slow. She may just want to enjoy some time being single.
She is car-centric and that kind of thing doesn't bother her. She was enthusiastic about helping bleed them when I asked if she would mind making a return trip. My thoughts are that she decides to be indecisive -- one day she's dropping hint to me and then there's times she doesn't want outside interference.
I guess I'd call her out- state your intentions (moving toward a relationship) and see where she stands. If she hems and haws, cut your losses. Life is too short to be in a constant holding pattern.
Anyvay, bein a vo-man of ze female gendeure, I'll cher zis wit you: vimmen tend to be a bit more inconstant zan men. You ave to elp er make up er mind.
I'm not saying men are not inconstant. But when they change their minds it tends to be more definite. A woman blows hot and cold with the same man. Or am I just embarrassing myself by proving that I don't have that much practice of men? Not that it's something to be ashamed of. Women are cyclic. They might be bit more moody thah men. (If moody means what I think it means.)
Just divorced her husband? That's one red flag... So far, this reeks of a Rebound thing. That's two red flags... You may not be paying any of that kid's bills but, it's still something that would concern me. ...and this little bit of alcoholism makes for Red flag number 3. At this point, I'd be polite but direct and ask her about her intentions. "What is it that you want from me?" is the question I'd ask, in the most polite and emotionally sensitive way possible. Feel free to ad-lib. Be prepared for anything, John. This is a situation where I would consider a CCW and a concealed .45 to be very useful. Of course, I have trust issues and have dealt with more than a few crazy women over the years...
^^True she needs to put her son through college... And she had him so early I'm betting he's not even her ex-husband's son. So he might not help very much in that department.