I met someone ?

[Cheapjack]

I think I would have laid down the lines on the first proposal of marriage and I would be very, very, candid and I would expect her to be, too. Whether I can look, whether she can look, whether I can touch another woman, whether she can touch another man.

That would raise red flags for many women, making a list of demands/expectations during the proposal process, even if they had no intentions of having an affair. My fiancee would have dumped me a long time ago if I tried to talk to her that way, and she isn't the cheating kind. She would have thought I was thinking about having an affair. I suspect she isn't the only one who would react that way.

Well, I've been in the position where I could have had a very beautiful woman, and I would have been watching a lot of men around her, I think, and a lot of people would have wanted a kiss. We would have been in a difficult position, cos if she had flirted a lot, some men would have demanded a bit more and would have seen it as practically their right, cos she hadn't married a 'real man', like them. It could have worked out with a bit of weight training on my part. And, we would have a close circle.

Surely, most people just tentatively joke about it? Surely? Testing the water? Not a list of demands or expectations. Women aren't like those in Jane Eyre, and even those were devious and manipulative, as well as romantic.

Pre nups are a sound idea.

I know women who think it's perfectly alright if they have a 'bit on the side', think a man is sexist if he doesn't let them, but would stab, if he wandered.

 

[Itisnotlogical]

If you let yourself get led around by your penis, feelings are gonna be hurt. You need to sit down and ask yourself if you still love your wife as much as you did the day you married her, and be honest with yourself. Only and only after that can you make any sort of rational decision regarding this other woman. Spend time around your wife, maybe do something enjoyable, even if it's just going for a walk by a lake.

 

[Finn]

I think I would have laid down the lines on the first proposal of marriage and I would be very, very, candid and I would expect her to be, too. Whether I can look, whether she can look, whether I can touch another woman, whether she can touch another man.

That would raise red flags for many women, making a list of demands/expectations during the proposal process, even if they had no intentions of having an affair. My fiancee would have dumped me a long time ago if I tried to talk to her that way, and she isn't the cheating kind. She would have thought I was thinking about having an affair. I suspect she isn't the only one who would react that way.

Well, I've been in the position where I could have had a very beautiful woman, and I would have been watching a lot of men around her, I think, and a lot of people would have wanted a kiss. We would have been in a difficult position, cos if she had flirted a lot, some men would have demanded a bit more and would have seen it as practically their right, cos she hadn't married a 'real man', like them. It could have worked out with a bit of weight training on my part. And, we would have a close circle.

Surely, most people just tentatively joke about it? Surely? Testing the water? Not a list of demands or expectations. Women aren't like those in Jane Eyre, and even those were devious and manipulative, as well as romantic.

Pre nups are a sound idea.

I know women who think it's perfectly alright if they have a 'bit on the side', think a man is sexist if he doesn't let them, but would stab, if he wandered.

I was responding to the way your previous post sounded. I was under the impression you would make these demands while proposing marriage. Not so romantic. Besides, a Prenup are for those who have lot of assets.

 

[Cheapjack]

I wouldn't do it when proposing marriage. I think most people do it implicitly, anyway, and just about everyone knows when it has happened, behind their back, eventually.

Judging by the expressions on relative's faces, when they were watching sitcoms where actors were doing it, I would guess it has happened in my family, or at least mooted. You can even swing a little, it's better to sound it out, first. Or, even talk in generalisms, unless you want a pot over your head.

 

[sbk1234]

If you let yourself get led around by your penis, feelings are gonna be hurt. You need to sit down and ask yourself if you still love your wife as much as you did the day you married her, and be honest with yourself. Only and only after that can you make any sort of rational decision regarding this other woman. Spend time around your wife, maybe do something enjoyable, even if it's just going for a walk by a lake.

Absolutely right! We do have a LOT of stress going on. I know that doesn't make anything any easier. We do need some time to be together. My plan was to talk with her on Saturday, but she's working that day. Hopefully in the afternoon, when she gets home.

 

[SicOne]

I know a little something about this. I know how she makes you feel so much better, happier and confident. Being around her gives you those "butterflies". You might think (fantasize) to yourself that being with her will make you happier than the current relationship that you're in.

I've been there before. It started out as a friendship. One day I acted on my feelings for her in a moment of weakness. It changed my life. I almost lost my wife and my sanity...

The regret that you will feel from not acting on your feelings is nothing compared to the lifelong pain you and your family will feel if you do.

Turn away now before it's too late and leave her alone, forget about her...

I had my little midlife crisis last year and reconnected with a woman from my past, an old friend from high school who friended me on Facebook, but with whom I was never romantically inclined towards back then. I won't bore you with the long details, but suffice it say I went so far as to consult a divorce lawyer before I finally came to my senses and called it off.

The other woman was devastated, but it had to be done. The affair went on for ten weeks all told, and the lying and sneaking around just ate away at my body, mind, and soul. I don't think I slept over five hours a night, felt like a zombie all of the time, and lost thirty pounds (which was great, but not how I should have lost it).

When I finally came clean with my wife, I came completely clean. I told her everything, even the stuff she probably didn't really need to know, but I had to get all of that out of my system and out into the sunlight.

Ironically, she and the other woman have actually become good friends, I apologized to her husband and he and I are at least on speaking terms, and most importantly the other woman and I have salvaged our friendship.

It was the most bizarre and surreal situation of my life, and I am eternally grateful to my wife, the beautiful and inhumanly patient Mrs. SicOne, for her love and forgiveness. It was touch-and-go for awhile and a few times she was nearly out the door before we could talk, but ultimately we worked it out and are, I believe, stronger than we were before.

It takes almost losing it all to make you realize what you had in the first place. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. And there's very little that can't be resolved if both husband and wife want to work things out (something that I've told both my friend and her husband, but thus far that message has fallen upon deaf ears for both of them).

But, if I had to do it all over again? I would have never resurrected my old friendship with her in the first place.

I know how she makes you feel. Believe me, I know, and it felt great to feel that way again. But it's not worth what it will do to you or to your family. I am a child of multiple divorces myself, and growing up in that environment I swore I'd never put my kids through that. I am ashamed to say that I didn't listen to that lesson myself for awhile.

If you want to talk more about it, feel free to message me. I would see someone spared that...especially your children.

 

[SicOne]

^ Regarding your talk with the wife...another poster said it well when they said to gauge your words carefully, for they have a way of being used against you if you misspeak yourself.

Believe me when I tell you that if you and your wife devote yourselves to improving your marriage, there is no stumbling block that will stop it. You just don't want your words to become little land mines in that road, that's all.

 

[sbk1234]

Thanks for the words. As a little time has gone by, I'm thinking of this lady less and less. I have made no efforts to contact her. I know I still want to talk to my wife about our issues, since those still exist. But I'm at least not thinking about anyone else so much.
This tells me that this woman was not really the focus of this situation, and whatever I felt/still may feel for her really aren't real emotions. Just simple infatuation, and all made up in my mind. What is real is my relationship with my wife - problems and all , my children, my life that we've built for the bast 14+ years.
I feel better about things, now.

 

[LeadHead]

Glad to hear it, good luck to you.

 

[Australis]

I agree.

 

[SicOne]

Dude, good for you. I'm glad the good advice shoveled your way has not fallen upon deaf ears. Go and have a happy marriage.

 

[sbk1234]

I'm working at it. We talked last night. She says that she doesn't have feelings of affection for me since she sees me more as an anchor, rather than a partner. I don't hold up my end of things in the house. We talked about what more I need to do. Although I agreed to do what we talked about, she's skeptical, since we've been down this road before, and I'll keep it up for a short time, then fall off. There's truth to that, although at the time, I don't think I'm aware of it. We definately have different perceptions of things, and we both understand that. the good part is although she's thought about divorce, it's not what she wants to do. I believe she wants this marriage to work.
What bothers me, is that it seems all aspects of change fall upon me. When I talk about lack of affection, for instance, I hear that she doesn't feel affectionate because of my not carrying my weight. So the responsibility falls to me.
She does admit I'm a good father, which is a big part of the reason why she doesn't want divorce.
I'll try. I've made a list of everything I need to do every day as my daily responsibilities. Hopefully I'll keep it up.
I appreciate you guys letting me vent like this, and I appreciate your words of advice. Honestly, I don't really feel like I have too many people - anyone - I can really talk to about this. Even my own family are much closer to my wife than they are with me.
Thanks for everything.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

I'm glad you guys finally talked and are trying to work it out. And i really do hope it works out for you guys.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Good to hear that you and your wife are talking. I wish you well...

 

[LeadHead]

Sounds like it went as good as could be expected. She wants it to work, which is good, you're both committed. It does sound like she's putting the responsibility on you for keeping the peace for now.

Do what she wants, so that after a couple of weeks or months have gone by, you can make requests. Relationships are about give and take, if you give a little now, you'll be able to get her to give later on. Hopefully helping to establish some stability.

Good Luck Sir.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Frankly, I'm a little disturbed by the talk, at least as you've reported it. She doesn't feel affection because you don't do enough chores? She doesn't think of divorce because you're a good father? Nothing came up that she has to work on? It sounds like she's one of those women who think of marriage as a business, rather than a relationship. That doesn't fill me with optimism, I'm sorry to say.

 

[Australis]

She doesn't feel affection because you don't do enough chores? She doesn't think of divorce because you're a good father?

RJ, far more common than you might think.

 

[Mr Awe]

What bothers me, is that it seems all aspects of change fall upon me.

This attitude of hers would be a big huge whonking red flag for me. Unless you agree with this sentiment? If it's more two sided, which I suspect, then you will always be falling short. She'll always have some reason why the problems are your fault rather than hers.

I would strongly recommend counseling. If her default attitude is that everything is your fault, there's nothing you'll be able to say on your own that will get her to think otherwise. You need an outside opinion.

Do you think it's right that the all of the burden for change should be on you or do you think there are things she can do as well?

Mr Awe

 

[C_Miller]

I'm working at it. We talked last night. She says that she doesn't have feelings of affection for me since she sees me more as an anchor, rather than a partner. I don't hold up my end of things in the house. We talked about what more I need to do. Although I agreed to do what we talked about, she's skeptical, since we've been down this road before, and I'll keep it up for a short time, then fall off. There's truth to that, although at the time, I don't think I'm aware of it. We definately have different perceptions of things, and we both understand that. the good part is although she's thought about divorce, it's not what she wants to do. I believe she wants this marriage to work.
What bothers me, is that it seems all aspects of change fall upon me. When I talk about lack of affection, for instance, I hear that she doesn't feel affectionate because of my not carrying my weight. So the responsibility falls to me.
She does admit I'm a good father, which is a big part of the reason why she doesn't want divorce.
I'll try. I've made a list of everything I need to do every day as my daily responsibilities. Hopefully I'll keep it up.
I appreciate you guys letting me vent like this, and I appreciate your words of advice. Honestly, I don't really feel like I have too many people - anyone - I can really talk to about this. Even my own family are much closer to my wife than they are with me.
Thanks for everything.

I don't know, brother, if I'm reading into this correctly, I have completely been in your position. You feel like something's wrong in your relationship, you talk to your partner about it and she goes into attack dog mode, where the whole situation gets blamed on you. "If you want this to work, you have to change" and that's just poisonous. Someone above me recommended counseling and I wholeheartedly agree. It sounds like this needs some mediation.

 

[RJDiogenes]

She doesn't feel affection because you don't do enough chores? She doesn't think of divorce because you're a good father?

RJ, far more common than you might think.

No, I know how common it is; it's one reason I'm not a big fan of marriage.