I have a dilemma.

[Robert Maxwell]

I have a couple friends on another forum (not this one). I've known them for a long time--as well as you can know people you've never met, in any case. But that's not really the point. It's a couple of girls, and for whatever reason, they confide in me a lot--especially about things I couldn't give a shit about, but whatever. I try to be a good friend, right?

So, one of them is a lesbian and is "out" to her friends and family (and on the board.) The other is kind of curious but has a lot of issues in her past, plus a very conservative family that wouldn't be understanding at all. It's not common knowledge that she's attracted to women and she doesn't want me telling people, for fear it might somehow get back to her family. I wouldn't say she's necessarily gay but she is in flux, figuring herself out, and might be--or at least bi.

The problem is, this girl has admitted to me she has a bit of a crush on the "out" girl. They live about 100 miles apart and have never met face-to-face, but they live close enough that I guess some kind of relationship would at least be possible. Anyway, I can't say anything to the other girl about it.

Where things get fucked up is that the "out" girl has mentioned offhand that she likes this girl, and wishes she "swung that way." I thought about mentioning the whole crush thing to her, but that would be breaking this girl's confidence. Really, if I told either one it would be breaching trust. But it seems silly that they like each other and are beating around the bush about it.

So, what do you guys think? Is there a way I can break the ice between them without violating their trust? The whole lesbian thing really complicates the issue, at least for the girl who isn't out, and I'm particularly concerned about hurting her, even inadvertently. I have to handle it delicately if I'm going to handle it at all.

Any thoughts? Should I just mind my own fucking business?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I wouldn't say anything...let them figure it out on their own.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

Mention that you also exchange PMs with the "out" girl, and that if she would feel comfortable you could pass on the fact that she has a crush on her in a completely private setting. That puts the ball in her court and doesn't violate anyone's trust since you're not giving up any information that isn't already public or that you didn't receive permission to give first.

 

[Canadave]

I might try to ambiguously prod the non-out girl if the subject came up, you know "You'll never know unless you give it a shot" and that sort of thing. That way you might push her along, but not say anything explicitly.

 

[Gryffindorian]

While it would be fun to play Cupid, you were entrusted with a secret/confidential issue that you promised to be quiet about. The girls sound so young and naive to me.

 

[sidious618]

The girls sound so young and naive to me.

Eh, I don't think so. People sometimes discover aspects of their sexuality late in life.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I wouldn't say anything...let them figure it out on their own.

Yeah, that's certainly an option, but that's why I asked for advice--to see if there was another way.

Mention that you also exchange PMs with the "out" girl, and that if she would feel comfortable you could pass on the fact that she has a crush on her in a completely private setting. That puts the ball in her court and doesn't violate anyone's trust since you're not giving up any information that isn't already public or that you didn't receive permission to give first.

Yeah, I've thought about that. She is so timid, though. I'm not sure she would act on it. It's probably the only thing I could do and not break anyone's trust, though, or overstep my bounds.

I might try to ambiguously prod the non-out girl if the subject came up, you know "You'll never know unless you give it a shot" and that sort of thing. That way you might push her along, but not say anything explicitly.

I think, without any kind of encouragement or reinforcement, she'd never act on it on her own, so I like this idea. She's just had a lot of issues with other people (namely her family) influencing her negatively in her life and I don't want to be yet another person that manipulates her, you know? I guess I could do it carefully and not push her into anything she doesn't really want to do.

While it would be fun to play Cupid, you were entrusted with a secret/confidential issue that you promised to be quiet about. The girls sound so young and naive to me.

They're both in their mid-20s. The girl that's out, I wouldn't call naive. She's had a string of lousy relationships, though. They were always with more experienced girls, never with one like this.

The other girl is definitely kind of immature, but I think a lot of that is from her family. They really sheltered and infantilized her and she is really trying to break out and figure out who she is. I think the more experienced girl could maybe help her with that, but again, I don't want to push. It seems like such a delicate matter.

The girls sound so young and naive to me.

Eh, I don't think so. People sometimes discover aspects of their sexuality late in life.

Yeah, this girl has a lot of issues and she is trying to work them out and figure out who she is. I think that's a good place to start. Better than being complacent, but it's not like she's going to break out all at once.

 

[sidious618]

Yeah, this girl has a lot of issues and she is trying to work them out and figure out who she is. I think that's a good place to start. Better than being complacent, but it's not like she's going to break out all at once.

It takes time but it sounds to me like she's on the right path.

 

[BolianAuthor]

Tell the curious girl that she should go for it, that the worst that can happen is that the out girl will say no... that way, you don't violate any trust, yet already know that in all likelihood, nothing bad will come of things.

 

[SVD]

If you're going to nudge things, suggest that Out Girl cultivate a face-to-face, non-romatic relationship with Curious Girl, then let the dynamics between the two take the situation where it wants to go.

Another way you can do this is to send a PM to the both of them at once stating something to the effect of:

The two of you have entrusted me with confidential information. You might benefit by sharing this information with each other.

Otherwise just sit on this information.

 

[JonathonWally]

Invite them both over to your place, get them drunk, play some Ani Difranco lesbian music and leave the room.

 

[DonnyBaker]

If you're gonna get in between all this maybe you could do the right thing and try and set each of these girls up with 2 nice straight christian guys. Or Jewish, it doesnt matter. Just not someone who is going to he!!.

 

[JonathonWally]

If you're gonna get in between all this maybe you could do the right thing and try and set each of these girls up with 2 nice straight christian guys. Or Jewish, it doesnt matter. Just not someone who is going to he!!.

The right thing? How about you do the right thing and GTFO.

 

[SVD]

*Cringes at the "Straighten Them Out" approach*

I'd favor their happiness over their moral "correctness."

 

[Alidar Jarok]

My thoughts are a cross between MLB and LOB's posts. Either encourage the girl who isn't out to take a chance (never the other way around, that would be violating her trust by suggesting to other people that she might be bisexual/gay) or simply leave it be (odds are it'll be far more trouble than it's worth and there's never any guarantee of a happy ending - especially considering the distances apart).

DonnyBaker, do you have a problem typing hell on a messageboard? It's not that strong of a fucking curse word - your keyboard isn't going to catch on fire.

 

[Starbreaker]

Hook up with both of them... at the same time. Then post pictures.

But in all seriousness, no harm in telling one of them. No one is ever upset to hear somebody likes them.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Is one of the girls called "Batgirl"?

 

[sidious618]

If you're gonna get in between all this maybe you could do the right thing and try and set each of these girls up with 2 nice straight christian guys. Or Jewish, it doesnt matter. Just not someone who is going to he!!.

I'm hoping that was just a bad attempt at satire.

 

[Gryffindorian]

If you're gonna get in between all this maybe you could do the right thing and try and set each of these girls up with 2 nice straight christian guys. Or Jewish, it doesnt matter. Just not someone who is going to he!!.

 

[DonnyBaker]

Oh I dont have a problem typing the word Hel!. I just dont want to go there...