I did not pass the Bar exam. I just couldn't let you guys know for a while--dealing with the self-recriminations and embarrassment.
I came close. If I had done as well as I had thought I did on just the performance tests, that would've been more than enough. I couldn't even recognize that I did that bad--and I usually know when I screw up. Instead, across the board, I was juuuuust a bit too low. Systemic problem. Even my worst in law school was 8-10 points above what is needed to pass the Bar.
I was shocked. Hubby was so shocked that he became physically ill a day later with concern for me. For me! He was that worried about me, that this would blow the self-confidence I had worked so hard to get--or screw my blood pressure way too much. As it was, he had me take an extra blood pressure med that night when my bp (with me upset but appearing calm) read 180/110.
My profs are shocked. This was not what they expected either. Yes, I went in believing I would fail (had been thinking that for weeks)--but after the first morning, I thought I had nailed it. This is typical for me--or was typical. After the Bar, I finally built some self-confidence--enough that my shrink said I should cut my dosage of anti-depressant in half, working towards me being off it. So the "I'm going to fail" is no longer pervasive, and for the first time, I could use past successes to help with current challenges.
So the timing of not passing pretty much sucks. I'm trying to take it as a test of my new-found confidence and move forward. Honestly, if I could have only one, self-confidence OR pass the Bar, I'll take the self-confidence.
We're wondering if my health problems contributed (my hypothyroidism has not stabilized and my dosage has been increased (again!) since the Bar. I've asked if I'm "alibi-ing" with this, but have been told by a few whose opinions I can trust (not just agreeing?) that they had noticed my lessened ability to focus and think since this problem started over a year ago.
So, now I have to decide whether I'm re-taking in February or waiting until July, when my meds will hopefully be correct and my thinking ability back to normal. I was close, so maybe without the emotions, I can do it in Feb. Of course, I'll have to re-learn everything, as I've managed to forget, of, just about all of it.
I came close. If I had done as well as I had thought I did on just the performance tests, that would've been more than enough. I couldn't even recognize that I did that bad--and I usually know when I screw up. Instead, across the board, I was juuuuust a bit too low. Systemic problem. Even my worst in law school was 8-10 points above what is needed to pass the Bar.
I was shocked. Hubby was so shocked that he became physically ill a day later with concern for me. For me! He was that worried about me, that this would blow the self-confidence I had worked so hard to get--or screw my blood pressure way too much. As it was, he had me take an extra blood pressure med that night when my bp (with me upset but appearing calm) read 180/110.
My profs are shocked. This was not what they expected either. Yes, I went in believing I would fail (had been thinking that for weeks)--but after the first morning, I thought I had nailed it. This is typical for me--or was typical. After the Bar, I finally built some self-confidence--enough that my shrink said I should cut my dosage of anti-depressant in half, working towards me being off it. So the "I'm going to fail" is no longer pervasive, and for the first time, I could use past successes to help with current challenges.
So the timing of not passing pretty much sucks. I'm trying to take it as a test of my new-found confidence and move forward. Honestly, if I could have only one, self-confidence OR pass the Bar, I'll take the self-confidence.
We're wondering if my health problems contributed (my hypothyroidism has not stabilized and my dosage has been increased (again!) since the Bar. I've asked if I'm "alibi-ing" with this, but have been told by a few whose opinions I can trust (not just agreeing?) that they had noticed my lessened ability to focus and think since this problem started over a year ago.
So, now I have to decide whether I'm re-taking in February or waiting until July, when my meds will hopefully be correct and my thinking ability back to normal. I was close, so maybe without the emotions, I can do it in Feb. Of course, I'll have to re-learn everything, as I've managed to forget, of, just about all of it.
