How young is too young?

[Von_Steinwehr]

I had a unusual thing happen today that I am not sure what to do about, so I pose this to unbiased readers:

I am a 27 year old first year Ph.D student, which means that at the moment I don't have much free time on my hands. I am also a teaching assistant that requires me to sit in on the undergraduate survey lectures and I lead undergraduate discussions over the readings. As far as my looks go I am not very good looking compared to most guys on campus.

So.....As I said, I have been siting in on the lecture classes next to a cute young woman. She is hard to describe....very intelligent, kind of quirky, and has a sense of humor. I get to class about 15 minutes before lecture starts to set up the equipment for the professor. When I am done I take my assigned seat (the professor has assigned seat in college which sucks), that is next to this young woman. So we normally talk before class about how the day has been going, complaints, etc. This has been going on for about a month now. Then today she asks me if I want to get a cup of coffee with her sometime. I was speechless and I am sure I studdered in my response. I tried to be polite and said something along the lines of maybe not today, but I appreciate the offer. She replied maybe someother time.

It has been a really long time since I have tried the "social scene" with my reading, writing, teaching, and grading load in the Masters and now Ph.D. So I am up not current on things, but did she ask me out or what? If she did, I am concerned about the age issue...I am 27 and she is a freshman which means 18 or 19 at the most, and at this point in my life, while I am not looking for marriage yet, I am interested in working on a relationship and not a "fling." Then there is the TA/student thing - one positive is I am not her TA. She is assigned to the person I work with. I also don't want to lose what I have worked so hard to achieve, which is getting accepted into a Ph.D program. The darker side of me wonders if maybe she is wanting information on exam material (ie pumping for information).

So I am not sure what to do. I don't get this chance everyday. My insticts tell me she is a kind and honest person, but the age thing and my status as an instructor, despite that I am not her TA, is bothering me. So...is asking someone to join them for coffee a date type thing? I don't know. I would appreciate some opinions/thoughts for a socially backward grad student. Thanks.

 

[RoJoHen]

I dunno. I'm almost 24, and the idea of dating someone under 21 weirds me out. I was such a different person from 16 to 18 to 21 that I can't imagine a relationship with someone that young working out.

I mean, they can't even go to a bar with you for another 2-3 years!

 

[Von_Steinwehr]

I mean, they can't even go to a bar with you for another 2-3 years!

That is not a problem for me because I don't drink (anymore)

 

[iguana_tonante]

I am a 27 year old first year Ph.D student, which means that at the moment I don't have much free time on my hands.

That's funny, that would be my biography two years ago.

About the coffee, well, don't sweat over it. It's just a coffee. I understand your concerns and you are wise to consider them, but don't get too involved in your own head. Maybe she's too young for a meaningful relationship, maybe it's not correct since you are staff and she's undergrad, maybe she's just after some info about the course. But maybe she just fancy a coffee and a nice conversation. Nothing wrong with it. Take your cup, have fun and let's worry when there is something to worry about.

 

[Finn]

Go for it, I have a friend who's in a relationship with someone 11 years younger than him. If you did that, she'd have to be 16.

 

[Garrovick]

I feel weird about dating a woman younger than my 35 year old Daughter. Although the last time I visited her, I went on dinner and movie dates with her 37 year old friend.

Age is only relevant when it causes either person to feel weird.

 

[RandyS]

Just do it. For now though, don't go into it with any expectations other than having a nice time. Try it and see what happens. If nothing else, you had companionship for a while.

 

[Small White Car]

There's nothing wrong with the age difference, I just think it's HIGHLY likely that once you get to know her you're going to find that you don't have as much in common as you think, and you'll both have different needs from a relationship.

I'm not saying that will happen, just that the odds are against you.

Go into it with your eyes wide open to those aspects. It's not a reason to not try, but don't ignore these issues forever...if it's not going to work, don't force it.

 

[Von_Steinwehr]

"There's nothing wrong with the age difference, I just think it's HIGHLY likely that once you get to know her you're going to find that you don't have as much in common as you think, and you'll both have different needs from a relationship."

Exactly. I don't know much about her and I remember when I was 18-19 year old and my interests have changed alot since then.

 

[Ashu]

I mean, they can't even go to a bar with you for another 2-3 years!

That is not a problem for me because I don't drink (anymore)

It also depends on where you live. Im 19 and Ive been going to bars since I turned 18.
Anyways, Ive never been a fan of dating younger. Right now my boyfriend is 25 and thats perfect for me. The youngest Id date at this point in time is 18.

 

[Neopeius]

Just go for it and have fun. You may end up with a best friend for life.

 

[mythme]

I had a wonderful five-year relationship with a woman who was consideriably younger than I was. She was a week away from turning 18 and I was 29 at the time we started dating. Although we didn't have much in common, per se, we had such similar interests and points of view that it easily bridged the gap of respective "eras".

The only risk here is that if it does work out and you're in a prolonged relationship, there will come a point where you might have to decide between the urge to "settle down" with her or to let her go so she can experience life, pursue her career, dreams, etc.

 

[The Borg Queen]

Don't assume she's interested in anything more than a social friendship with you as a school buddy.

That way, you won't be disappointed if you're right.

 

[Venardhi]

Give it a shot, especially if you haven't had a chance to date lately; it never hurts to warm back up those gears and dust off the machinery to make sure it works right. Dating skills need a refresher once in a while like anything else. if it doesn't work, or she isn't interested in the same relationship goals then it isn't like you lost much except for the money for a few cups of coffee and a movie.

I'm 23 and have recently reached the age where I'm pretty sure I won't be dating any 18 year-olds anymore. There are always exceptions, but after my last relationship(we started dating pretty much right after she turned 18) I think I definitely need to seek out some older, more experienced and more confident women. The main problem with most of the younger women I've dated has been they want me to be the white knight and the strong and confident one all the time and that has really started to wear on me. I guess I just give off that loving/paternal vibe that attracts those types though.

 

[marillion]

Von....

Carpe Diem!! Sieze the Day, my friend...

Besides, she's asking you for coffee, not a roll in the hay.. Live a little!!

 

[Tim]

I am 27 and she is a freshman which means 18 or 19 at the most, and at this point in my life, while I am not looking for marriage yet, I am interested in working on a relationship and not a "fling."

Then look elsewhere. This girl is barely out of high school; expect her to have a matching level of self-maturity and introspection.

 

[Goji]

I have a number of freshmen (age 18-19) as friends at the moment, and while we work okay as friends the thought of being in a relationship with any one of them is kind of frightening to me. I'm 21 now, but even when I was a teenager other teenagers weirded me out. I'd steer clear of the lot of 'em, but you really ought to do whatever you think is best.

 

[Ashu]

I am 27 and she is a freshman which means 18 or 19 at the most, and at this point in my life, while I am not looking for marriage yet, I am interested in working on a relationship and not a "fling."

Then look elsewhere. This girl is barely out of high school; expect her to have a matching level of self-maturity and introspection.

Just because she is just out of high school doesnt meant she lack maturity. While a lot of girls are immature, it's not fair to paint them all with the same brush.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

I would advise against it. If there is even the SLIGHTEST, SLIGHTEST chance that you could be seen as abusing your position (even though you're not her direct supervisor) or your higher maturity level, you should not go for it. If we were talking about the difference between, say, 37 and 29/28, I wouldn't be so concerned--you'd be much more on the same page, maturity-wise. But in this relationship you're discussing--just your age alone brings a power differential into it that has a very bad appearance from the outside. Even if you don't abuse it, people will always suspect you.

 

[Kelso]

Absolutely not! Under no circumstances should you go anywhere near that girl!



Unless she's really hot.